Title: The God Of Accidentally Breaking Stuff.
Summary: A fic written for this prompt on Norsekink: "So many prompts and fills seem to have Thor being the one confused with the way things work on Midgard (especially with microwaves). I'd like to see some Loki being confused by Midgardian things. Can be 5+1 format or something else." I only managed about 3+1 ;-)

~8~

~8~ The God Of Accidentally Breaking Stuff ~8~

~8~

List of films Loki is no longer allowed to watch by order of Tony Stark (Billionaire, genius, playboy, philanthropist esq.)

~o~

E.T. – Cried for 4 days.
Titanic – Cried for 5 days (Tony, that was because you kept whispering "I'll never let go" to him! - Clint)
The Empire Strikes Back – Loki, you owe me a new TV. LUKE I AM YOUR FATHER! LOL
Any Lord Of The Rings film – You owe me ANOTHER TV, stop trying to stab the bad guys

IN FACT any film other than kid's animated Disney stuff, but not Beauty & The Beast. Yes, it's a magnificent library. No you can't read the books.

NOTE TO LOKI: FILMS ARE NOT REAL!

~o~

Thor read the note pinned to the Rec room wall beside the shelf of DVDs and nodded his head in approval, remembering what had happened the previous night when Loki had slunk back into the mansion like a cat with its tail between its legs, while Tony glared at him as he poured himself an extremely large drink.

The 'incident' was on the news, in the gossip columns and all over the internet. There were still reporters at the gates outside, waiting for official comment.

Deciding a little culture might cheer up their new, suddenly-decided-to-fake-being-good-whoa-back-off-Thor-I-didn't-mean-it, house guest, Tony had decided to take Loki to see a play and guessed he might like to see some Shakespeare. It seemed the kind of thing a Norse god might like it and he would probably actually understand what the actors were saying much better than Tony ever could.

"So these people will tell a story?" Loki had asked, as he took his seat in the box.

"They'll act it out, you know like the DVDs we watch? They don't actually read the stories out."

"Ah. I understand," Loki said as he gazed at the beautiful theatre that was decorated in red and gold. "This is very pleasant, Stark. Thank you for bringing me."

"You're welcome."

Loki had seemed a little down lately, finding earthly customs and technology difficult to understand and becoming increasingly frustrated that he couldn't get anything right. Tony thought it was strange that Thor had fitted in so easily, learning how to use cell phones, the internet and the DVD player within days, yet his brother couldn't even use a waffle iron without setting off all the fire alarms. Thor seemed a lot more practical than Loki, preferring to learn with his hands, and by watching others.

Loki had sat and read the instruction manual from cover to cover and then demanded that he be allowed to take it apart and see how it worked inside. Tony had to give him his dues, the guy was extremely intelligent and grasped incredibly intricate physics concepts in seconds. Hell, he'd even explained the complex atomic basis of the workings of the Arc reactor to a level that even Tony himself could barely comprehend, but when it came to 'Batter goes in here, press this button, produce waffles,' he just couldn't get it.

The play started and about 30 minutes into it Loki turned to Tony and whispered, "Tell me Stark, where have I seen that man before? He looks terribly familiar."

"That's Ralph Fiennes. You remember him, he was in Harry Potter."

Loki tried to think, but still could not place him.

"You probably don't recognize him without the make up. He's Voldemort."

"Voldemort?" Loki asked, shocked. "That is Voldemort? He is here?"

"Yup, he's a fantastic actor. I thought you'd get a blast out of seeing him in person."

Loki stood up, pointed at Ralph Fiennes and shouted, "You!"

The whole theatre was silent, the actors stopped and looked up to the box in the balcony.

"What the hell are you doing?" Tony said, grabbing Loki's sleeve and pulling. "Sit down!"

Loki yanked his arm away, and suddenly appeared down on the stage in a flash of green light.

"That was a magnificent trick Voldemort," Loki said, menacingly, stalking across the stage. "Faking your death and changing your appearance."

"What the hell?" Ralph Fiennes said, backing away. "Security!"

"It's time for you to pay for what you did to Harry!" Loki said, raising his hands.

"Loki! NO!" Tony shouted from the box.

Ralph Fiennes started to scream, his body folding in on itself, growing smaller by the second until a small fluffy bunny rabbit hopped out from inside his empty clothing.

Loki bent down and grabbed the bunny by the scruff of its neck and held it up to the audience.

"Behold The Dark Lord!" Loki said. "He will never harm Harry Potter again!"

The audience applauded wildly and within an hour a video entitled "The Voldemort Incident", filmed on a cell phone, had accrued more than 1 million hits on Youtube.

Loki didn't think that was anything special. He didn't understand Youtube either.

~o~

~o~

Loki's scream echoed round the Avengers mansion and within seconds Thor was by his side.

"Brother, what has happened?" Thor asked, as he stood in the laundry room doorway, and Loki ran towards him, tears streaming down his face.

"It's ruined!" he cried, wrapping his arms round Thor's neck. "It's ruined!"

"What is ruined?"

"Everything!" Loki sobbed.

As he held his weeping brother, Thor looked over his shoulder. The washing machine lay on its side in the middle of the room, and most of its moving parts lay smoking in the other corner.

"What has happened to the cleaning device?" Thor asked.

"It attacked me!" Loki said, tearfully. "Luckily it disemboweled itself before I came to any harm."

"It attacked you?" Thor asked, shocked. "We must inform Stark that the mechanical devices have turned evil."

"Waaa!" Tony shouted as he arrived at the laundry room, followed by Steve, both drawn down by the screams. "What the hell happened to my washing machine!"

"It has been possessed by an malevolent spirit!" Loki said, still huddled in Thor's arms. "It ate my helmet and then tried to attack me!"

"You put your helmet in the washing machine?" Steve asked.

"It is a cleaning device, is it not?" Loki asked. "My armor required cleaning."

"It's for clothes!" Tony shouted.

"Armor is clothes," Loki replied.

Steve bent down and pulled Loki's helmet out of the drum. One of the horns was bent and the rest of it was covered in dents. He handed it to Loki, who cradled it in his arms like a sick child, and cooed about how he would have the finest Elf craftsmen repair it.

"Uhh… I think this was your cape," Steve said as he pulled out a clump of shredded green cloth and Loki made a whining sound. Steve pulled out a separate piece of cloth, "And maybe this was cape too."

Steve pulled out a black clump of sodden, smelly leather and said, "I don't know what the hell this was."

"My booooottsss," Loki whimpered.

"You put your BOOTS in the washing machine?" Tony asked.

"They were dirty!"

"You owe me a washing machine! And what the hell are you wearing?" Tony asked, casting his eyes over Loki's Captain America pyjamas.

"I thought it was customary in Midgard that on washing day you wore your night attire," Loki replied.

~o~

~o~

Loki stalked from room to room in The Avengers mansion, enjoying the flow of his new cape at the heels of his new boots, as he turned in deliberately tight and flourishing circles

It was a novelty still, to be allowed to walk freely in the corridors, although he had never actually admitted to anyone but his brother that he was already very familiar with the layout. He used to sneak in all the time when the avengers were out on missions and no one was home. He had spent many hours happily rifling through every drawer, reading any printed sheets he could find and occasionally stealing Tony Stark's expensive cashmere socks.

Even now, when he was an invited guest, old habits couldn't be broken and he still felt the same urge to snoop around. He had been searching for secrets back then, but had never dreamed they would be concealed inside a machine. He knew it was called a laptop, Thor had tried to teach him how to use it and shown him the internet, but Loki had ended up on a page where a person told him to delete something called 'system 32', so he did and Thor wouldn't let him use the device again.

When Loki went into the kitchen he noticed that Stark had left his laptop on the table when he went out. The lid was closed, but a small light glowed, tempting Loki to touch it. He ran a finger over the shiny, red metal surface and felt the warmth of the air that blew from the grill at the back of it. He picked it up awkwardly, held it to his chest and went to the door. He peeped around the corner, checking there was no one around and then quickly carried the laptop to the Rec room.

He sat on the couch with the laptop on his knee and tried to open it, but it would not budge. He knew the lid lifted to reveal the screen so he squeezed his fingers into the gap, pulled as hard as he could and then let out a snarl of frustration when it refused to open more than a fraction.

RING RING

Loki jumped to his feet at the sound, allowing the laptop to slide off his knee and hit the floor with a dull thump. He had been discovered. Someone knew he was using a machine he shouldn't and had set off some kind of alarm. He moved round the room quickly, looking for the source of the sound. Loki span, his cape flowing out behind him, sweeping over the small side table and knocking everything on it to the floor. He heard a thump and the ringing stopped.

"Hello?"

Loki froze.

"Hello?" He asked, nervously.

"Hello? Who is that?"

Loki realized there could be only one explanation for this disembodied voice: another magic user was in the room, and obviously a skilled one if they knew how to make themselves invisible to all eyes. He backed against the wall and raised his hands, ready to attack.

"Show yourself! I know you are here, now SHOW YOURSELF COWARD!"

"Loki?"

His eyes widened. They knew his name. The sorcerer knew his name. He quickly compared two lists together in his head – people who knew his name and people who were skilled enough at magic to perform this kind of spell. He could find only one person who was on both lists.

"Doom?" he asked, his voice unsure and more wavering than he had hoped it would be.

"What?"

"I knew it was you!" Loki shouted, trying to sound slightly more menacing. "Show yourself, wretch. Let us fight like real men!"

"Loki, what?"

"I may not be able to see you, but that does not mean you are invulnerable" Loki said and shot a bolt of magic from his hands that hit the shelf on the other side of the room and destroyed it. DVD cases exploded and charred paper rained down to the floor.

Across the city, Steve, still holding the phone to his ear, turned to Tony and said, "I think we need to get back home as soon as possible. It sounds like Doom has shown up at the mansion and Loki is fighting him."

"My brother fights alone?" Thor asked, overhearing the conversation. "Come, we must return at once!"

~o~

"Brother!" Thor boomed as he ran through the mansion. "Where are you?"

"I'm in here," he heard a voice say from the Rec room and ran towards the sound.

Loki stood, a bright smile on his face, and he said, "I did it Thor! I vanquished Doom at last!"

"OH MY GOD!" Tony shouted as he entered the room, with Steve on his heels. "Where is he? Where's Doom?"

The room was wrecked, the couch was smoking and burnt black at one end, the shelves and their contents were strewn across the room in a mix of splinters and broken DVDs and the TV was shattered on the floor.

"I defeated him," Loki said proudly. "He thought he could trick ME, but I showed him I am no fool!"

"What happened?" Steve asked.

"Doom had cast an invisibility spell, but the clod set off an alarm, and then he spoke which revealed his position to me. After that it was very easy to chase him away."

"He was invisible and he spoke?" Tony asked.

Steve bent down next to side table and picked up the phone, still intact, still beeping with a dialing tone. He held it up so Tony could see it.

"So what exactly did Doom say?" Steve asked.

"He said hello, but he also said my name."

"That was STEVE!" Tony shouted.

Loki's mouth dropped open, he turned to Steve and said, "You know how to cast an invisibility spell?"

~o~

~o~

"What's going on?" Steve asked as he and Loki sat on the new couch and watched Tony fly round the room.

"Oh ya know, international emergency, world threatening stuff."

"Shouldn't you be suiting up?" Steve asked, and then added, "Actually, shouldn't I be suiting up?"

"Not that kinda emergency. This requires the attention of a genius, a completely brilliant scientific mind, so naturally they called me. You can come along, just in case there's any heavy lifting. I don't wanna get my new shirt dirty. It's Armani."

"I'll just grab a coat," Steve said, standing up.

"Leave it, we need to get there as soon as possible, like yesterday, preferably."

"Perhaps I can help," Loki said, quietly.

"The god of accidentally breaking stuff wants to come along? I don't think so," Tony said.

"No, but you forget I can teleport, and more than one person at a time," Loki said, but then turned his face away and sniffily said, "But if you don't want my help that is fine."

"You can teleport all of us there?" Steve asked.

"Well, I could have," Loki said, "but it is awfully hard to teleport when your feelings are hurt."

"Tony, apologize," Steve said, waving his hand towards Loki.

"Loki… I'm sorry you're upset."

"A real apology," Steve said.

"What? It's not my fault he can't take a joke," Tony said and Steve glared at him. "OK, OK… Loki, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, it was mean of me."

Loki smiled up at him and said, "Well, shall we go and save Midgard then?"

~o~

After teleporting into the alley, with Tony's feet in a puddle of dirty water, they headed into the building. At the laboratory on the top floor a shaking scientist met them.

"I'm so glad you could come, Mr Stark," the man said as he shook their hands. "I'm professor Warwick, I lead this project."

"And what exactly is the problem?" Tony asked.

"We were trying to create a singularity," The man said, leading them over to a window. A machine stood inside a room on the other side, it was buzzing and shaking violently, threateningly to snap off its base, even though it was bolted to the ground.

"You mean a black hole."

"Yes, but it was supposed to evaporate almost instantaneously."

"But it didn't, obviously," Tony said. "Show me your data."

Tony, the scientist and Steve moved over to the consoles.

Loki stood at the window, looking in at the machine with one arm wrapped round his chest and his elbow propped on his wrist, as he rubbed his finger across his top lip idly. He moved his hand from his face and rested his palm against the glass, feeling the stream of energy emanating from inside the room buzz through his fingertips. He felt the particles of atomic matter as they flowed through his body. He knew what was wrong.

He turned and walked to where the others were stood round a screen and said, "Show me the readings."

"No offence Loki, but you can't even operate a TV remote," Tony said, taking hold of Loki's arm and pushing him out of the way.

"Unhand me Stark and show me the readings, or I will let your realm perish, and you along with it."

"It's worth a try," Steve said.

"Pull up the data," Tony said.

Loki looked at it briefly, touching the screen with one finger and then he said, "These readings are incorrect."

"That's impossible," The technician said. "Our sensors are completely calibrated."

"The readings are wrong, and you are about to have an extremely large problem," Loki said menacingly, glaring at the technician, and then an alarm sounded.

"What the hell is that?" Steve asked as a siren blared and a red light started flashing in the corner of the room.

"We're losing containment," One of the techs shouted. "It's gonna blow!"

"You never HAD containment," Loki said, as he waved his hand, dematerialized and reappeared inside the chamber, stood next to the shaking machine.

"Oh my god. Get him out now!" Warwick shouted. "That room is flooded with radiation."

Steve ran to the window, he banged on it and shouted, "Loki! It's dangerous in there. Come out now!"

"Do be quiet, Captain. I am trying to work," Loki said, not even looking up. He held his hands up, both hovering about a foot from the machine, and closed his eyes.

"What the hell is he doing?" Steve asked, looking over his shoulder at Tony, who was stood pointing at the screen with one of the techs.

"I have no idea," Tony replied, walking over to the glass, "But whatever it is, it's working. It's shutting down."

They watched as Loki stood with his eyes closed, by the shaking machine that occasionally pulsed with bright flashes of light, his fingers deftly flicking, and his lips moving as he mouthed a silent spell. After a moment his brow furrowed and he opened his eyes.

"How do I see inside this infernal contraption?"

"You can't open it, without the shielding it'll wipe out half the city," the nervous scientist replied.

"Mortal, where I am from we have been controlling bridges like this since before life even existed in this realm. Now tell me how I see inside."

"From what I've read of your data this thing is beyond its critical limits, so tell him how and we might just have a chance of surviving this," Tony said.

"You have to key in the numerical sequence on the touch pad and then release the handle," the tech said. "It's quite complicated, but I can talk you through it."

"Oh," Loki said, "Never mind."

He raised his hands till they were together, brought them down like he was about to say a prayer and then pulled them apart. There was a metallic creaking sound and a flash of searing white light as the machine ripped open, revealing the tiny singularity inside it. It blazed like the sun, but was simultaneously black as night, and it wobbled furiously like an unstable whirlpool.

Loki raised his hands again, nearer to the swirling mass this time, and his eyes narrowed as he concentrated on controlling the very atoms, trying to seal the rift shut. His hands grew closer, one on top and one below, and for a brief moment he seemed to struggle, fighting against the singularity as it briefly flickered brighter.

"If he can't do this what happens?" Steve asked.

"We all die," Tony said, not taking his eyes off Loki, amazed that he watching someone hold a black hole in their hand, "And by all I mean ALL."

Loki winced slightly, moving his fingers, and the strange whirling thing in his hand started to glow white hot. He clamped his hands around it tightly, knitting his fingers together to cause a tight seal, but the light was so bright inside it caused his hands to glow.

"Can you see what's going on in there?" Tony asked the technician who was still sat watching readings on a monitor.

"Most of the sensors are inside the chamber of the machine, the readings from the external ones are strange," he replied, tapping on his keyboard. "The singularity is collapsing, but I'm detecting something else."

Tony walked over, looked at the readings and said, "That's impossible."

"What is?" The tech asked.

"It's strange matter."

"Don't be ridiculous, that's just a hypothesis, it couldn't possibly exist."

"Then what do you suggest this is?" Tony said pointing at the readings, and the technician opened and closed his mouth a few times, but had no reply.

"Is that bad?" Steve asked.

"Well, ya know," Tony replied, "Runaway fusion, the whole of the Earth turning into one giant star. I guess you could call that bad."

Loki was bent over now, his hands still clasped together, brought in close to his chest, and his lips still moved as he recited an ancient spell. He scrunched his face up as he gave one last push, and his palms finally slammed against each other.

The light was gone, Loki looked briefly like he might pass out when he drew his fingers apart, revealing that the tiny whirling rift had vanished and put a shaking hand onto the broken machine for the moment to steady himself.

"You OK, Loki?" Steve asked.

"I am fine," Loki said, coughing once, but still not letting go of the machine.

"How did he do that?" Warwick asked, now stood at the window too.

"Magic," Tony replied.

Loki moved towards the window, put one hand on the glass and said, "Open the door."

"I can't," A technician replied. "If I do the radiation will kill us all."

Tony put his hand on the glass near Loki's and said, "This isn't going to be like the end of The Wrath Of Khan is it?"

"What?" Loki said, and he waved his hand, appearing back outside the chamber.

"Oh good," Tony replied. "That would've been kinda embarrassing."

"Who is this Khan you speak of? I have encountered no villains named that," Loki asked.

"No one important."

~o~

"How did you do that?" Tony asked, as they exited the building. "I mean, you held a black hole in your hand. How is that even possible?"

"Magic is science, I've told you that before, but obviously you did not believe me."

"I believe you now."

"And perhaps now you will allow me to use the microwave oven?" Loki asked.

"I think we can have another try at appliances."

"Stark, what are you doing?" Loki asked as Tony raced over and held his hands over Loki's eyes,

"Nothing," Tony replied, but he held his hands in place until Alan Rickman had finished walking past.