Surrender

"When you decide to die, little things begin to happen. You stop looking both ways before you cross the street; you start answering the door without asking who's there. You don't hold onto the railing when you go down the escalator, you play with matches. You smoke, and breathe it in, actually praying it will make a difference. Deciding to die is actually almost nice, in a way. You stop caring. Even if you are not pro-actively looking for ways to kill yourself, you stop looking for ways to survive."

Three words were all it took for me to make my decision, to finally surrender.

Three words, and I'm sure when you read that, you knew exactly which three words they were.

That's right, I love you.

It's funny how those three simple words can make or break a person. Those three words, three of the simplest words in our English language, can provide joy and happiness. However, they can also provide pain.

And that's what they did too me.

But heck, no one even said the words to me! No one told me they loved me, no one told me they didn't love me. Really I should have minded my own business, because it had nothing to do with me at all.

Then again, if you love someone, if you really love someone, don't you kind of lose your sense of what's right and wrong? You start to think crazy things, like how I thought that Scorpius Malfoy telling his girlfriend Kathrina Zabini he loved her and wanted to marry her in front of a whole gathering of friends was my business. It was none of my business, right?

Right.

However, I loved him, he was my best friend, and had been for 10 years, ever since we were 11. Pathetic excuses, I know, pathetic to think I was even involved in their relationship, pathetic to think I had some sort of claim over Scorpius because we were best friends, pathetic to think he ever loved me in the first place!

He never loved me in the first place, exactly!

Despite all this, I still think back to the night when I made the decision.

xxx

I was attending a cocktail party, hosted by Scorpius himself, for more than 100 guests. Apparently it was for some 'special occasion', but no one could really see the reason for this title. It was just another of Scorpius' parties. So we just flirted and talked and ate and drank and danced for most of the night, enjoying ourselves in general.

Scorpius had been going around flashing off his girlfriend of the time, Kathrina Zabini, to everyone. They mingled with their friends, and were basically inseparable nearly the whole night.

I had been chatting with Scorpius' father, listening to one of his stories about just how fabulous his yacht was, and how I simply had to come with him, Astoria and Scorpius on a trip very soon. I had to laugh at how classy these parties were, but it was kind of nice all the same.

"You must come out Rose, Scorpius tells me you adore sailing, didn't you two go out on a boat when you were kids?" Draco asked, probably the first question he had asked me since we had begun our conversation.

Not that I minded much, my mind had been on Scorpius, and watching him most of the time.

"Yes, Mr Malfoy, Scorpius was quite right, I absolutely love to sail," I said, grinning.

"So I'm guessing that's a yes then?" he winked at me.

I laughed, "Of course sir, I'd be honoured."

Just at that moment Scorpius and Kathrina appeared, smiling around.

"Sorry to interrupt Rose, father," Scorpius said politely, "but I want my dear Rose to meet my lovely Kathrina!"

"It's very nice to know you Kathrina," I said, warmly, holding out my hand.

She laughed and took my hand, grasping it firmly. "Please, call me Kat."

I smiled at her, she seemed quite nice, but I didn't know why Scor was making such a big deal about her, sure they had been together for a few months now, but surely she was just another flame?

I mean, I hoped she was.

Just then a slow song started to play, and Draco held out his hand to Kathrina.

"Please, miss, would you like to dance?" he said, winking at her.

"I'd love to, Mr Malfoy," she laughed, "be right back, Scorpius."

She kissed him on the cheek and went off to the dance floor with Scorpius' father.

"So," I said to Scorpius, sitting down with him at a nearby table, "Kathrina is lovely."

"She's absolutely perfect Rose," he said, looking dazed.

I laughed at the look on his face, and replied sarcastically.

"A lot better than the last one, I must say," I giggled.

He laughed too, "indeed! She was a bit too crazy for my liking. No, Kathrina is definitely the best thing I've ever had.

I smiled at him half-heartedly, as we continued to talk like we hadn't done in a while.

"I'm still your best friend though, right?" I said, trying to seem light-hearted about it, but seriously worrying about being replaced.

"Of course," he said, getting up and kissing my cheek, "no one could ever replace you, Rosie. Come on, let's dance."

We both stood up and he led me to the dance floor.

Twenty Minutes Later

"Everyone! I've got an announcement to make! If we could all just be quiet for one second!" Scor spoke into the microphone, earning silence from everyone seated and standing.

"Thankyou so much for all coming tonight, it has been fabulous having you all here, especially since you all got to meet my wonderful fiancé, Kathrina."

Everyone was silent, thinking the same thing, fiancé?

And in my mind, something was screaming. A choked, wordless scream, coming from my subconscious, which I couldn't quite work out.

"Well," he continued, "I hope she'll do the honour of becoming my fiancé. Kathrina, I love you like I've never loved anyone else, will you marry me?"

He turned around, got down on one knee, and pulled out a ring.

Judging by the cheers of the crowd, I'm guessing she said yes.

I wasn't listening though, because that was when I knew.

I knew that yes, I really did love him, and that it was way to late to tell him.

I also knew that I had to make a decision, then and there.

That was the night I decided to die.

xxx

From then on, things got simpler in my life.

I didn't have to worry anymore, didn't have to stress out about anything, like my phone bill, health, what anyone though of me, anything.

I stopped eating, and mostly drank lots of alcohol, and smoked instead.

I'd look in the mirror, and I'd smile at myself, my pale, ghastly skin, the circles under my eyes, my skinny frame, and ever though I was sick and in pain a lot, I knew it would be over soon.

It would be over soon.

So my survival instinct was shut off, I stopped caring, and I stopped feeling bitter.

Scorpius could be happy with the girl he loved, and I wouldn't have to live with my love loving another.

Was I selfish? Yes. Was I stupid? Yes. Was I completely reckless and irrational? Yes.

A small part of my brain screamed constantly that I should tell Scorpius how I feel, live with what he said, whether it be good or bad, and then wait for the right one to come along.

A bigger part of my brain screamed that if I didn't have him, I didn't have anything, and he didn't want me at all.

So when I met him in the street within a few days, I was blissful and smiling.

xxx

"Hey, Scor!" I said enthusiastically, running up and kissing him on both cheeks, "What are you doing out today? Where's Kathrina?"

"Hey," he said, grinning obliviously, "I'm just out picking up some groceries from the muggle supermarket. What are you doing? I rarely see you in muggle London."

"Oh, just going to the pharmacy," I lied smoothly, "feeling a bit under the weather, so just picking up some aspirin. I mean I don't know why most wizards don't use it, it works something marvellous for a hangover."

We both laughed, but then, as his eyes took me in, his brow furrowed slightly.

"You do look a bit ill, actually," he commented, sounding a bit unhappy, "is everything alright?"

I laughed a bit unnaturally, "of course, Scor! I'm fine, really, like I said, hangover. Well, I best be on my way."

"Okay, love, if you say so," he grinned, even though it didn't quite reach his eyes, "you'll have to come over for dinner sometime, alright?"

"Of course! See you later Scor," I said, smiling warmly.

"Bye Rose, love," he said, hugging me tightly.

He walked off, and I continued on my way.

He had noticed, noticed that I was sick. Which I was, there was no denying it. It kind of hurt a little bit, in a weird way, knowing that he still cared. He shouldn't care, I didn't want him to care.

That trip to the pharmacy suddenly didn't sound like such a bad idea.

xxx

I stood in my bedroom, unscrewing the lid of the small bottle of codeine-based pills that I had purchased from the chemist.

I stood there and let myself think a few final thoughts. I wasn't having second thoughts; of course, I just wanted to be thinking of Scorpius when I died.

"Flashes left in my mind, going back to the time."

So, as I began to down the pills, I let my happiest memories with Scorpius flash through my mind.

"Playing games in the street, kicking balls with my feet."

Playing Quidditch with Scor, anywhere and everywhere. Any type of game we played really had been happy, we had always loved to play all types of sport together, whether it was muggle or wizarding.

"There's a numb in my toes, standing close to the edge."

Scor and I went jetty jumping on a camping trip with our friends to South England one summer; it had been lovely for swimming, but when Scorpius had tried to get me to jump off the seemingly high jetty, I was awfully frightened. In the end, he pulled me in, and it had been the most exhilarating thing I had ever done.

"There's a pile of my clothes at the end of your bed."

That happy summer night I had shared a bed with Scorpius, and given myself to him completely. The night I first realised that I really was in love with him.

"As I feel myself fall, make a joke of it all."

Moments after the last pill slid down my throat, I felt myself beginning to lose consciousness, as I fell to the floor, slowly, I let myself think of him one last time, and how much of a joke this had all been.

"I love you Scorpius," I slurred, laughing bitterly.

Then my head hit the ground.

God my mind is twisted. So here's another one shot, to make up for leaving for so long. I actually really enjoyed writing this though, so I hope you like it too. However, I hate killing characters off, it hurts so much! So yes, enough rambling, unknown credit for the first quote, I found it on Tumblr, and as for the last few quote snippets, they're from a song called Moments by One Direction. Hope you enjoyed, please review!