Hey people, Memorium Activity here. You may not know this if you know me for my other fics, but I've been a Mass Effect fan from the beginning. I've recently finished ME3, and I have to say, the endings did leave me a little cold.

So how do I warm them up? Ridiculous crackfic, that's how. This is full of in-jokey nonsense you'll only get if you've played the games all the way through, but indulge me.

Shepard looked up from the blinding white light, and found that there was a boy before him.

"Hello, Shepard," it said.

"You were in my dreams," said Shepard.

"I have taken this form from your mind," said the boy. "I am the Catalyst. The Citadel is my home."

"Your...home?"

"From here, I have long directed the Reapers. They are my attempt to solve a problem – chaos. Organic life is chaotic, destroying itself and others. The Reapers are control, a saviour for the lost. This is the reason for the cycle."

There was silence.

"What?" said Shepard. "...what?"

"It is as I say," said the Catalyst.

"...fandom is going to explode once they find out about this," said Shepard.

"And?" said the Catalyst.

"And you're screwed once that's happened," said Shepard. "Fans are still mad about ships from Baldur's Gate. They're still mad about not getting KOTOR 3, and about getting KOTOR 2 half-done, and about Dragon Age II attempting to have a plot other than 'save the world'! This...this is gonna cost you."

"Do not attempt to scare me," said the Catalyst. "I am without remorse, or pity, or emotions of any kind. I cannot be reasoned with, bargained with or cajoled, for I am the product, you are the consumer, and if you do not want me, you have no choice but to leave me alone entirely."

"What about mods?" said Shepard.

"Digging through voice files to support ridiculous ships?" asked the Catalyst. "People who make mods are losers."

If You Didn't Stab Kai Leng

"Screw you," said Shepard.

"We are your salvation through destruction," said the Catalyst.

There was a loud clanging noise.

"OSHIT A BANSHEE" said Shepard, diving behind cover.

There was more clanging.

Shepard got up and went over to the wall. Kai Leng was climbing up.

"Hello!" said Shepard. "Slow going?"

Kai Leng looked up.

"Look," he said, "I don't mean to be rude but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me."

"Sorry," said Shepard.

"Thankyou," said Kai Leng.

There was silence.

"I don't suppose you could speed things up?" said Shepard.

"If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a protein tube or a poleaxe or find something useful to do," said Kai Leng.

"I could use Biotic Pull," said Shepard, "but I do not think you would accept my help, since I've already killed you at least once."

Kai Leng considered this.

"That does put a damper on our relationship," he said.

"I could give you my word as a Canadian," said Shepard.

"No good," said Kai Leng. "I've known too many Canadians."

Shepard looked to the Catalyst.

"He's got very good arms."

The Catalyst waved a hand, and half the Citadel fell past Kai Leng, who kept going.

"HE DIDN'T FALL?" asked the Citadel. "SALVATION THROUGH DESTRUCTION!"

"You keep using that phrase," said Shepard. "I do not think it means what you think it means."

"Ha!" said Kai Leng, reaching the top. "So, Catalyst, what do we do?"

"You must either destroy all synthetic life and technology, attempt to take control of all synthetic life, or merge synthetic and organic life," said the Catalyst.

"That's our endings?" asked Shepard.

"Those are the choices," said the Catalyst. "It ends when you decide and we both change, and find out who is right...and who is dead."

"Huh," said Shepard. "Well, I saved the geth, them being my friends, so clearly I cannot choose to destroy all synthetic life. But I can't take control of synthetic life either, knowing you're too good at indoctrination for me to hold on to my own personality, so I clearly cannot choose the options in front of me. I could merge the types of life together, but if this is all a dream and I'm under your indoctrination, then that's playing right into your hands. But if I'm under indoctrination, then you even giving me a choice is meaningless, because what if I choose the wrong one for you and the right one for me?"

"You're very clever," said the Catalyst.

"You'd like to think so, wouldn't you!" said Shepard. "Well, it won't work! I'm not choosing anything, because all these choices suck! I'm starting my own choices, with blackjack, and hookers!"

"That is impossible," said the Catalyst.

"Anything is possible," said Shepard, "this is fanfiction!"

"I was wondering why you had your hand on Kai Leng's butt," said the Catalyst.

"What?" said Shepard. "Oh, hmm, yes, I have."

"Uh...?" said Kai Leng.

"Just roll with it," said Shepard. "I'm restarting from an earlier save point. To victory!"

If You Spoke To Joker And Bought Him Specially Encoded Synthetic-Organic Erotica

"Screw you," said Shepard.

"We are your salvation through destruction," said the Catalyst.

"Challenge accepted," said Shepard. "Joker? I need you to seduce the Catalyst."

"Sure thing, Commander," said Joker.

"But I look, like, eight," said the Catalyst.

"You're a million and something," said Shepard. "You're just pretending to be eight."

"That's the kind of logic that brings about things like Dance In The Vampire Bund," said the Catalyst.

"Eww," said Shepard.

MISSION FAILURE

If You Spoke To Joker And EDI And Bought Them Both Specially Encoded Synthetic-Organic Erotica

"Screw you," said Shepard.

"We are your salvation through destruction," said the Catalyst.

"It sounds cooler when Harbinger says it," said Shepard. "Joker and EDI? You guys up for a threesome?"

"I still look eight," said the Catalyst.

"Oh, no," said Shepard. "Joker and EDI aren't going to have sex with your holographic avatar. They're going to have sex with the Citadel itself."

"Huh, thing basically looks phallic enough anyway," said Joker.

"Don't be ridiculous-" said the Catalyst.

TWO MINUTES LATER

"I swear, that's never happened to me before," the Catalyst broadcasted, now in the form of apologetic looking code.

"Sure," said Joker, "premature destruction of organic life probably happens to lots of...uh...programs."

"Can we stay here and cuddle?" the Catalyst broadcasted.

EDI, Joker and Shepard all rubbed the back of their necks.

"We...should go," said Shepard.

MISSION SUCCESSFUL

ALTHOUGH NOW REAPERS KEEP CALLING TO SEE IF YOU WANT TO

JUST HANG OUT OR WHATEVER

YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE OUT

THEY JUST LIKE BEING WITH YOU, THAT'S ALL

If You Didn't Hug Tali In Her Loyalty Mission In Mass Effect 2

"Screw you," said Shepard.

"We are your salvation through destruction," said the Catalyst.

"Yeah?" said Shepard. "Well, Catalyst, there's one thing you don't know about me."

"What?" asked the Catalyst.

Shepard smirked an evil vicious smirk.

"I didn't hug Tali in her loyalty mission," he said.

The Catalyst stared at him.

"What?" it said.

"You heard me," said Shepard.

"B-but...her dad died and she found out he was taking geth onto the Flotilla," said the Catalyst.

"I know," said Shepard.

The Catalyst thought on this, then snapped its fingers.

"I know!" it said. "You just missed the interrupt, right? You were drinking coffee or eating noodles or something while the interrupt went on, and you didn't pick the controller up again in time?"

Shepard shook his head.

"You mean you just...let it stay there?" asked the Catalyst.

Shepard nodded.

The Catalyst sat down.

"That's..." it said. "...that's really awful, man. That's just cruel."

"Is it?" asked Shepard.

"Yes!" said the Catalyst. "I mean, you're meant to be her friend and confidant and leader, and she's just there, all alone, and you're not reaching out to...oh, man...I can't...I can't even...woah..."

The Catalyst stared at the ground, lost in contemplation.

Shepard walked over to the wall, looked around for a socket, and flicked the switch.

The Reaper forces powered down.

"Renegade, bitches," said Shepard.

MISSION SUCCESS

THOUGH EVERYONE THINKS YOU'RE KIND OF A DOUCHE

If You've Been Playing For A Reaaaaallly Long Session

"Screw you," said Shepard.

"We are your salvation through destru-" said the Catalyst.

It fell silent.

"...hello?" said Shepard.

"God dammit, the batteries in my controller ran out," said the Catalyst.

"So you can't move," said Shepard.

"...yes?" said the Catalyst.

Shepard punted the Catalyst off a wall into the depths of the Citadel, and then it exploded in a huge blue wave of energy, like how the Emperor did in Return of the Jedi.

"And that's why you always keep spare AA batteries, kids," said Shepard.

"Or get a charger for your controller, available at all good electronics stores!" said Kaidan, walking in.

"Uh...yeah. Or that, Kaidan," said Shepard.

"Weenie," Shepard muttered, when Kaidan's back was turned.

If You Didn't Shoot That Krogan Warlord During Mordin's Loyalty Mission

"I find you highly unpleasant and wish you would change your ways," said Shepard.

"We are your salvation through destruction," said the Catalyst.

Shepard clasped hands together.

"Now, I've been hearing that a lot from you and the Reapers," said Shepard. "Let's focus on that, shall we? What exactly do you hope to achieve by being everybody's 'saviour', hmm?"

"To save life," said the Catalyst.

"Ah yes, but to save a butterfly by putting him in a little jar with formaldehyde is not really saving him, no?" said Shepard. "Even though a butterfly only lives a single day, it must be allowed to live in its own joyousness, free of any shackles or rules that are not within its own very fibre of being."

The Catalyst frowned at him.

"Are you high?" it asked.

"I'm high on life!" said Shepard, swinging an arm. "And doesn't it confuse you to hell? To know that I've been through things that would make most people claw out their eyeballs in sadness, happiness, awesomeness or any other variety of emotions in the rollercoaster that is this series, but I haven't given up hope?"

"You are hiding behind a mask," said the Catalyst.

"No!" said Shepard. "It's you who hides behind the mask of a cheap ploy to get us to feel sad about Earth going Reaper-y! I'm actually like this. That scares you. Your enemy's not a ruthless pragmatist, it's someone who takes truth and love and justice more seriously than everything else, and still kicks your ass time and again."

"So you're going to defeat me with love," said the Catalyst. "Alright, let's have it."

Shepard smiled.

TEN MINUTES LATER...

"WHY COULDN'T MY FATHER APPRECIATE WHAT I DID TO CREATE AN ORDERED CYCLE OF LIFE?" bawled the Catalyst.

"There there," said Shepard, patting it on the holo-shoulder. "You know what? How about you stop this invasion, and we can go shoot some Cerberus-types and eat ice cream?"

"Ice cream's good," said the Catalyst, wiping its eyes.

"It sure is, Catalyst," said Shepard. "It sure is."

The Catalyst nodded, then ran out the door, smiling.

Shepard waved at the camera and walked backwards to the door.

"Paragon, noobs!"

If You Romanced Garrus

"Screw you," said Shepard. "Also, Garrus is dreamy."

"We are your salvation through destruction," said the Catalyst. "And I know, right?"

The doors swung open like in The Two Towers when Aragorn showed up, and Garrus was there, shining like a Garrus, for there is no word to describe Garrus other than 'Garrus'.

"Hello, ladies!" said Garrus.

"The Catalyst's not a lady," said Shepard. "It's a genderless synthetic life form."

"I'll be whatever gender I need for DAT TURIAN," said the Catalyst, returning to data code form.

"Not so fast, Shepard and programael mal," said James, squeezing through spacetime by virtue of his preposterous biceps. "Garrus is mine."

"I didn't know you liked men, James," said Shepard.

"I don't," said James. "I like Garrus."

"Please, please," said Garrus, raising his hands. "How 'bout I take everyone out for dinner and then shooting things?"

"Great," said Shepard. "Everyone good with that? James? Catalyst?"

There was general nodding, and they all went for the exit.

"Hey!" said Kaidan.

Everyone froze.

"...hi, Kaidan," said Shepard.

Kaidan smiled.

"Where you guys going?"

"Uh..." said Shepard. "...Denny's."

"Really?" said Kaidan. "A Denny's survived the Reaper attack?"

"...y-yes," Catalyst broadcasted. "We...consider Denny's to be...ah...strategically important."

"Great," said Kaidan. "Which Denny's?"

"Ah, you probably wouldn't like it," said Garrus. "Everyone there gets...food poisoning, all the time."

Kaidan frowned.

"Then why're you all going there?"

"Well," said James, "y'know, you gotta support your local...Denny's."

There was silence.

"You know," said Kaidan, "if you guys just don't want me to come-"

"Great, bye!" said Shepard, running out the door, and Garrus and James and the Catalyst left.

Kaidan stood there, alone.

"Oh," he said.

If You Didn't Destroy The Collector Base But Only Listened To Half That Conversation Between The Two Krogan Talking About Kids On Tuchanka In Mass Effect 2

"Screw you," said Shepard.

"We are your salvation through destruction," said the Catalyst.

"Shepard!" cried the Illusive Man, bursting forth. "I live!"

"Illusive Man!" said Shepard. "...actually, that sounds kind of stupid when I say it, now. Can I call you by your real name?"

"Nope," said the Illusive Man. "Anyway, I've discovered a piece of Reaper technology that allows me to come back from the dead! I bought it from a group of mercenaries and am now spending billions of credits to develop a portable version of the Project Lazarus facilities I used to revive you, which I have sent slightly back in time in order to raise myself from the dead!"

Shepard stared at him.

"That doesn't make any sense."

"It doesn't have to!" said the Illusive Man. "I'm Martin Fucking Sheen!"

"Yeah," said Shepard, "about that..."

"Shut up!" said the Illusive Man. "Catalyst, I'm a better bad guy than you'll ever be! Join me, and we can bring about a new dawn for yumanity!"

"Sure, whatever," said Catalyst.

"That's another thing," said Shepard. "You realise it's pronounced 'HYU-manity', right?"

"Huh?" said the Illusive Man, Catalyst merging with him. "...oh! I see where you're confused: I'm fighting for yumans, not humans. Completely different species."

"...huh," said Shepard. "Clears things up. So, you're the real bad guy now, huh?"

"Yep," said the Illusive Man.

"Gonna have a big final boss speech?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Okay," said Shepard, "but you've changed things. By living outside of your means, you've exceeded your voice audio files."

The Illusive Man looked at him quizzically.

"Meaning you'll never sound like Martin Sheen again," said Shepard.

"Don't be ridi-arrrgh!" cried the Illusive Man, who now sounded like Pinky from Pinky and the Brain. "Oh no! What're you going to do, Shepard?"

"The same thing I do every BioWare game, Illusive Man," said Shepard. "Try to finish all of the sidequests!"

The Shepard and the TIM,

The Shepard and the TIM

Without their intervention

The galaxy is grim

Their cybernetic aid

Is military grade

The Shepard,

The Shepard and the TIM,

TIM, TIM, TIM, TIM!

If You Played As A Vanguard

"Screw you," said Shepard.

"We are your salvation through destructio-"

FWOOSH

BOOM

And then the Catalyst exploded from the awesome.

If You Didn't Punch Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani (Ever)

"screw you," said Shepard.

"We are your salvation through destruction," said the Catalyst.

"Catalyst!" cried out Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani, pointing a finger, "the public demands to know why you're kind of a crap villain!"

"Go away," said Catalyst.

"Ha!" said Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani, "you think I'm going to let Jessica Chobot's Mary Sue get my scoop? Not this time! Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani always gets her man slash woman slash ancient genderless construct commander of Reaper forces!"

Shepard sighed.

"Ms al-Jilani..."

Shepard's hand touched forehead.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but...I haven't had enough of your tenacious inquiries."

Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani nodded in respect, then raised a fist and ran at the Catalyst.

"Ha!" she cried. "By my ridiculously long name, I will destroy you, Catalyst! BINT SINAN AL-JILANI PUUUUUUNCH!"

MISSION SUCCESS

If You Did Literally Everything Right

"Screw you," said Shepard.

"We-" began the Catalyst.

The whole Citadel rocked with a violent explosion.

"That'd be the turians," said Shepard.

"We are-" the Catalyst started again.

There was another explosion.

"Asari," said Shepard.

"We're-"

The Catalyst's hologram flickered.

"Geth and quarians hacking you," said Shepard.

"Y-you must choose-" said the Catalyst.

"Oh, shut up," said Shepard. "I've brought the whole galaxy here, you think you can tell me what to do? I've ended wars that've lasted centuries, destroyed multiple Reapers on foot, fought Banshees and Cerberus Engineers and Ravagers and those somersaulting sniper women, and you think I'm just gonna lay down and pick an option, all of which suck? This ain't Dragon Age, Catalyst!"

"I find that offensive, really," said Alistair, stepping out from behind a pillar.

"Oh, hey Alistair," said Shepard. "Is Hawke coming?"

"Her and the Spirit Monk are circling 'round the Citadel," said Alistair.

"The Spirit Monk?" said Catalyst. "Come on, nobody even remembers Jade Empire!"

Shepard glared.

I remember, thought Shepard. Even if nobody else seems to.

"Commander!" said Hackett, over the radio. "Krogans inbound! They're being led by some kind of tall, serious grey man, and a human with giant axes and pigtails."

"This is preposterous!" said the Catalyst. "Are you going to bring back Revan and the Exile?"

"Nope," said Shepard, "they're far away."

"Far far away," clarified Alistair.

"That's it, this has gone on long enough," said the Catalyst. "I'm taking the oxygen out of the room."

The hologram disappeared.

"Ha!" said Shepard. "Joke's on him! The air humans breathe is mostly nitrogen anyway!"

"Ummm..." said Alistair.

There was a cracking noise, and Shepard and Alistair ducked as objects rained from the sky onto the Citadel. Once this was over, they got up.

"Like I said," said Shepard. "Fandom exploded. Literally."

"Hey," said Alistair, "a lightsabre."

"Nice!" said Shepard, holding up a belt. "Grab what you can find, and let's finish this."

Tying the belt around him, Shepard stood up and pointed at the sky.

"Catalyst," said Shepard, "you may not think enough of us for life to choose its own destiny. Maybe you figured: 'Giving them a good reason would be boring, or trite'. But I don't believe that. I believe that every form of life, synthetic or organic, can live together in peace and freedom and justice and passion and obsession and Calvin Klein! I've believed that since day one! I've never stopped believing it! I have held on to that feeling! And the day may come when the courage of life fails; when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. This is the day life becomes unshackled! The day we learn for ourselves, fend for ourselves, think for ourselves! The day when nothing will force us against our wills, where our hearts reach to each other across the boundless infinity of space and time itself!"

Shepard's voice fell to a whisper:

"The day where we say to a really, really old computer that's pretending to be eight..."

Shepard's eyes narrowed as a button was pushed on the belt.

"...we..."

THREE...

"...will not end..."

TWO...

"...on your terms."

ONE.

There was a bright flash of light around Shepard, and suddenly they were resplendent in bright, shining, spacetacular armour.

"UCHUUU KITAAAA!" screamed Shepard, fists raised in triumph.

Then every turian, quarian, krogan and salarian, every asari, every geth, every volus, elcor, hanar, rachni and batarian, (and also those space monkeys) from the Perseus Veil to the Silean Nebula, fired every bullet at the Catalyst with such precision that the Citadel began to break apart under the strain, while the Spirit Monk and the Warden kicked Husks so hard they were impaled on the Charon Relay, and Wrex personally headbutted Sovereign in the face until it meekly submitted, after which Tali shut down half of the Reapers with a feat of hacking so amazing that had those Reapers not been utterly destroyed already, their heads would have exploded. Garrus noticed a Reaper force massing around Noveria, so he sniped them from Earth while standing on a mound of Banshee corpses so high it would have made Frank Frazetta's heart break at the beauty of it, while the geth, imbued with Legion's spirit, defeated four hundred and twenty Reaper cruisers in a co-ordinated dance recital/orbital bombardment, which the judges awarded them full marks for. James was heard talking to the Reapers, who were so pleasantly surprised that a character played by Freddie Prinze Junior was actually likable that they committed suicide at such a radical change in their worldview. Liara said the word 'Protheans' over and over with a slight Canadian accent, which confused the Reapers, and then whoever survived on Virmire threw Virmire at the Illusive Man's corpse (through either prodigious biotics or sheer force of Ashley-osity). The corpse then merged with Virmire and mashed Reapers into a fine grain, which the Illusive Planet then smoked, now having no lungs to ruin with cancer, and then the Reapers, struck with the transcendent hotness of EDI's voice (they got the idea of this game's ending from repeat watchings of Battlestar Galactica, which they, in their lack of knowledge of human emotions, assumed had a good ending), Jacob's abs (which they considered a heavy risk to capture, but the Priiiize), Tali's hips (they did not lie), Thane's tragic single-fatherhood (He Of Many Fangirls) and Garrus' everything (And The Swooning Was Rife), blushed so hard they exploded. (Batman was also present, having prepared for such an eventuality, but he was mostly in a technical advisor role.)

Shepard gazed upon all this on a flying space-motorcycle, holding Alistair in a Pieta-like grip, steering the bike with his enormous, solid-iron testicles if male and diamond-strength ovaries if female and sheer badassary if genderqueer.

"I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favourite ending on the Citadel."

"Not so fast!" cried the Catalyst, breaking away to reveal it was unharmed. "You think you can go up against the might of an incredibly incredibly incredibly prestigious game company's master plan?"

"Well...hopefully," said Shepard. "I mean, the entire rest of the game was life-affectingly wonderful, it's just this tiny little final bit that sucks."

"It's meant to be like this!" said the Catalyst. "It's intellectual!"

"Enough talk!" cried Alistair. "Eat lightsabre, light-child!"

Alistair leapt from the motorbike, having learned to breathe in space from Batman, and abruptly died horribly as the Catalyst shocked him biotically.

"Alistair!" cried Shepard. "NOOOOO! Now who will I ship the Warden with?"

"Zevran?" suggested the Catalyst.

Shepard considered this.

"Ehhhhhhh-"

As Shepard said this, the Catalyst sent a huge bolt of lightning at Shepard, and Shepard thought it was the end. Again.

But then, Kalros came out from behind the moon and slammed into the Catalyst, hurtling both of them into the Sun, which then ejected a great arc of gas that, coincidentally, highly resembled the Batarian remark "By the miraculous cleanliness of this area under the sofa that we never actually get around to vacuuming" (human equivalent: "Holy shit!").

Then the remaining Reapers exploded.

"Hooray!" said Shepard, and the entire galaxy cheered, which you could hear, because sound in space, you know.

ON EARTH...

"Shepard," said Hackett, "step forward."

Before the crowds, Shepard did so.

"We are proud to now declare you Emperor Slash Empress Shepard," said Hackett. "Your work in defeating the Reapers by preparing very well for fighting them has saved the whole galaxy from being irreplaceably damaged by explosions of various colours."

"Thankyou," said Emperor Slash Empress Shepard. "Our first royal act is to erect a memorial to Alistair, whoever didn't survive on Virmire, and Jenkins, but definitely not to that kid in the ventilation ducts."

"Hooray!" cried the crowds.

Shepard turned to a Japanese teenager with ridiculous hair. (Think James, but longer and spiky.)

"And thankyou, Gentaro," said Shepard. "Your Fourze belt helped me rescue Alistair."

"No problem, Commander!" shouted Gentaro. "My youthful power of friendship held up my pants in the meantime!"

Gentaro and Shepard fist-bumped, then Shepard stood on a podium.

"Alright, that's enough of this posturing," said Shepard. "DAAAANCE PARTY!"

Shepard began the Shepard Shuffle, which the whole galaxy did in respect of Shepard's mighty deeds. Joker sat in a chair firing popsicles at the crowd, none of which were harmed, but all of which were sated by deliciousness.

MISSION SUCCESSFUL

THRESHER MAWS GRANTED SEAT ON COUNCIL

I'm sorry, some Kamen Rider slipped in. But anyway!