A one-shot in dialogue, in which Gol D. Roger eats a Devil's Fruit, and I run wild with a plot bunny.

Rating: T for language and C for crack.

–

"Look Rayleigh! Look what I got from that ship!"

"Why, it's a Devil's Fruit, Captain."

"Neat, isn't it? The captain gave it to me so I wouldn't kick his ass, but I did anyway, and I got this fruit too!"

"Quite a bargain, Roger."

"Uh-huh. Say, ever heard of a fruit like this? It looks like a pawprint. Wonder what'll happen if I ate it."

"Well, apart from the common knowledge that you will never be able to swim for the rest of your life, I can't say much on this topic. None of us have a reference book or encyclopedia on the Devil's Fruits, and from what I know they number in the hundreds, and can be any thing under the sun. Some times, It can turn out to be a disappointment, other times, a gift."

"A pawprint- maybe it's a Zoan? You know, 'cause animals have paws and this is shaped like a paw and-"

"I highly doubt that the shape of the fruit influences the power it holds, but you can never know these things until you taste it, in this case."

"I don't really want a Zoan, I want something more like a Paramecia, or a Logia... or maybe it's a Mythical Zoan! Something like a Dragon or a Sea Monster-"

"I don't think a Sea Monster Devil's Fruit would be properly functional, giving the drawbacks, and therefore exist."

"Tch, Rayleigh, stop ruining all the fun."

"Whatever you say, Captain."

"There you go again! Ugh, damn this is a hard choice. On one hand, I'll never be able to swim again; On the other...I could end up with something really cool. Like a Logia. A wind Logia, so I can fly, and make the ship fly too, so we can sail the sky and the sea."

"What a thrilling thought, Roger. Tactically speaking, we'll always have an advantage around Shiki that way."

"Yeah, that's a great idea too!"

"So you'll eat it, then?"

"I don't know for sure yet, I can't seem to make up my mind."

"Well then, just in case you decide not to, I've heard that Devil's Fruits usually manage to rake up 100,000,000 beri or more in auction houses, and you can get an expert to identify what type and ability it is, too. We could surely use the money."

"You mean you can use it for your gambling."

"Likewise with your food, Roger."

"Whatever, I'm not interested in it's worth, we can get money from the next ship that attacks us. I want to know what it does."

"I paraphrase, Captain: A Devil's Fruit can be anything you can imagine, and then there are those you would never have imagined at all. Think about that. Good night, Captain."

"See ya tomorrow, Rayleigh."

–

–

–

"Good Morning, Captain."

"Morning Rayleigh."

"So, what did you decide on the topic of the Fruit, Roger?"

"Eeh, I still don't know."

"Still...?"

"It's a hard choice. I love swimming, but I'd love to fly too."

"...You're jeopardizing your ability to swim for the sole hope of obtaining a power that may not even be available?"

"Huh?"

"If someone already ate a wind Logia, then that means that the Devil's Fruit you have won't be it. It's that simple."

"We've never met somebody with a wind Logia."

"That doesn't mean they don't exist. I think we're better off selling it, if you want to reach the end of the Grand Line you're going to have to have all the swimming skills in the world. How many times had the ship capsized in all those storms?"

"There you go on again- sell, sell, sell. You just want to have more money for your little escapades at the casinos we stop by."

"May I remind you of our last food bill, Captain?"

"I don't spend as much as you do."

"Try three times as much, Captain. I have my limits."

"Poorly enforced, if I may add to this conversation."

"Scopper*? Who asked you?"

"Good Morning, Gaban."

"Morning Captain. I hear you found a Devil's Fruit?"

"That's right. Rayleigh here is trying to get me to sell it."

"Now Rayleigh, Roger found it, it's Roger's choice."

"I understand that, Gaban. But we're a little tight on beri and Roger can't make up his mind already, so I am merely giving him a suggestion in the way I see fit for the good of the crew, as a dutiful first mate."

"Uh-huh. For the good of the crew, and for the good of the bar tab and the tips to the casino girls."

"Implying much with that, Scopper?"

"Only as you yourself interpret it, Silvers."

"Before even breakfast, Scopper?"

"Eh, why not? I don't mind."

"You know what? I'll eat it."

"What?"

"Is that so, Captain? Well, good for you."

"Why?"

"Because, I want to. I found it, I decide."

"But- I- We- The money-"

"Captain's order."

"... Fine. Do as you wish."

"Exactly Roger, as you wish."

"..."

–

–

–

"So you really want to do this?"

"Yes, Rayleigh."

"You're sure? No swimming, no auc-"

"Yes, Rayleigh, I'm sure. I've decided, I'll give up swimming. I haven't had the chance to swim that much for some time anyway, too many damn sea kings, and the excitement is eating me."

"Bu- Alright. Take a bite, that's all it takes."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"UGH! Oh, god, it tastes horrible!"

"So I've heard."

"Ugh, like shit. Can you throw the rest out?"

"Might as well, it's useless anyway."

"I'm going to need a lot to eat to cover up the taste."

"I'll be sure to tell the cook."

"...Blech...ugh, I'd never thought I'd taste anything worse then Rayleigh's cooking."

"..."

"So, Roger... feel any different?"

"No."

"Try to voluntarily use your fruit power, like moving your arm."

"Like this?"

"..."

"..."

"Hey, everything's so big, even you guys! Did I get smaller? Does the fruit let me change my height?"

"..."

"..."

"What're you two snickering for? Answer me!"

"Well, Captain, you seem- to have- changed- pfft-"

"It's like this, Roge- ffff-"

"What? Finish already! Out with it, both of you!"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-!"

"What're you two- did I turn into something stupid?"

"HAHAHA- Oh god, Roger, look at your hands- HAH- your hands-"

"Or your feet- AHAHAHA-"

"My hands? They're paws! And my feet-!"

"Here's a mirror, my tiny Capta- HAHAHAHA."

"I'm a SQUIRREL?"

"A flying squirrel, to be exact. Guess you're wish was half-granted- AHAHAHAHAHAHA."

"A squirrel! So it was a Zoan! I was right!"

"It seems your judgment was accurate, for once- though still- AHAHAHA."

"Well, Roger- pfft- it seems you had stumbled upon a "useless" fruit. I've heard of people eating those things and being cursed with something utterly ridiculous, never being able to swim again."

"So what? I can still do lots of things. And there are things I can do now better then before."

"Like climb trees?"

"And eat more nuts?"

"Are you going to have to hibernate in the winter now, Captain?

"Flying Squirrels don't hibernate, Gaban."

"It was a joke, Rayleigh."

"You could ask something more accurate, like whether or not Captain's going to be nocturnal from now on."

"Are you, Roger?"

"Shut it, both of you."

"Aww, he's getting angry. Look at how the tail's starting to bristle and- GAH!"

"AHAHAHA! You had it coming, Rayleigh!"

"Get off me, Rog-AH! Stop scratching my fa- OW! IT HURTS, DAMMIT."

"How's that for useless?"

"Alright, Alright, so it's not completely useless, but still... how the hell are you going to fight as a squirrel, of all Zoans?"

"I can turn into a squirrel-man too, see?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Roger, you look even more ridiculous than before."

"That little mustache does not fit on that face."

"And those membranes- are they restrictive?"

"No. I can move fine."

"Well, great. Now all you have to do is change in front of Newgate or some marine ship and while they're too busying staring or laughing we can just take 'em out right there."

"AHAHAHA, yeah, Captain."

"Ha. By the way, did you say this was a flying squirrel type?"

"Correct."

"So that means I can fly?"

"Well, not exactly 'fly' as flying goes, per se, it's more gliding."

"Gliding? So I can't even fly?"

"You got what you bargained for, Roger. Nothing you or any of us can do about it now."

"...Damn."

"Oh don't be disappointed, Captain. A little rotten luck isn't such a bad thing, you're plenty lucky as you are. If you weren't, we would've been dead a mighty long time ago."

"I suppose..."

"In the off-chance, though, If you ever feel like wanting to fly we could always unfurl you with the masts on a windy day."

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

"We'll pin you up on the ropes, near the Crow's Nest, and paint you with our Jolly Roger, Roger. We'll have the most unique flag in all of Grand Line."

"You want a few more scratches, Rayleigh?"

"No Captain, I'm good."

"Captain Roger! Captain! Enemy ship, sighted!"

"I'M COMING! Now, I want neither of you bastards to go off running your mouths on this, OK? I'll tell the rest of the crew myself when and if I want to. Captain's order."

"Whatever you say, Captain. Whatever you say."

"Alright then, to battle!"

"Here's hoping for a soaring victory!"

"Shut it."

-FIN-

Foot Notes: Why?

Because I can.

If you can spare two minutes of your time, please critique. I'm very anxious about the pacing and flow of the story, and of course the characterization.

Thanks for reading.

* Scopper Gaban is that one guy in Strong World on Roger's crew who grabbed Buggy's hat during the Edd war flashback. The one with the long black hair and the sunglasses. He was given a name in the Deep Blue databook that recently came out.