Matt tipped the bottle of scotch and let the vile liquid snake down his throat. He sat on the floor of their apartment. It was a cheap dirty apartment with an ugly green patched up couch. Empty candy rappers and take out boxes covered the floors. He sat curled in a ball in the same clothes he was wearing yesterday. He stood up and made a wobbly attempt to drag himself to the light switch. It was getting dark and he knew that if he couldn't get to the switch soon he would be impaled in the darkness all night.

Mail Jeevas was not a drinker. He almost never drank. It was never safe to drink. With Mello there was no way he could risk it. But his beautiful roommate was fast asleep. He had been for awhile. And knowing the kind of cold he had, he would be for a long time. And that was okay. He had given up halfway through his attempt and now lay belly up staring at the ceiling. And that's when the dumbest, most out of character, and just plain stupid idea struck him. Crawling on all fours he made his way to the kitchen. He pulled himself up by gripping the table and fell into one of the chairs. The room spun for a few minutes until it slowed down enough for Matt to see. He forcefully grabbed a pen from a cup on the table causing it to spill the rest of the contents on the ground. He giggled slightly and found the piece of paper he had abandoned earlier. He really shouldn't have gotten drunk.

"I should be able to write this letter now." He said words slurring. He read them out loud even though his pen never actually hit the paper. He knew better, even in his drunk state, to leave that sort of thing on paper.

"Dear, asshole." He said creasing his eyebrows. Snicker.

"No…no wait. Sincere, okay." He stated starting over sighing trying to divert his drunkenness so he could make coherent thoughts.

"Dear, Mihael." He smiled softly knowing that was a perfect start. It didn't take long after those first few words for him to forget where he was. Who he was. And what he was actually doing in the first place.

"I have waited a really long time to say this. Not only have I sat back and watched you hurt yourself time and time again against Near, I have never been good enough to convince how amazing your really are. He has nothing on you. Nothing. And I don't see how you don't see that. It wouldn't matter if he beat you. Not to me." His eyes held back un-shed tears weakly and his voice was starting to shake.

"I wish I wasn't a coward. We've been best friends for so long. I feel like I don't deserve to be in your presence Mels. I can't tell you how much it hurts to be. I don't think you'll understand the torture I put myself through to keep us friends. To keep myself from fucking it up." he sighed sadly.

"And I know…I know you don't want to have a distraction. But don't worry about it because I won't bother you with me. I can hurt by myself. I'm used to it. Its okay." he said a little more softly. His eyes darted down to the table as the depression and hopelessness of the situation really sunk in.

"And I…" Matt's voice cracked. "I wish I could be good enough for you. I would do anything for you. Anything you asked. I would put my life on a silver fucking plate." He said through clenched teeth. Trying desperately to keep the tears from escaping. The familiar throb in his lower stomach rising up. Making his whole body shake and him to take a short shallow intakes of breath.

Despite his desperate refusals his tears somehow broke. They flew freely down his face and off his chin. He pulled his legs up on the chair and wrapped his arms around it. He sobbed for a good ten minutes he'd guess before he wiped his tears away and felt the 'oh so welcome' numb feeling overcome him. He dropped his legs and stared endlessly at the table and pen still in hand.

"I don't want to disappoint you." He said slurring still completely evident. He was still very, very drunk. He opened the full bottle on the table, despite the almost empty one in the living room. He pulled it to his lips and took a huge gulp. His throat stung but he only winced a slight bit.

"Because I love you." He said. He sat in silence as if still thinking about it and then nodded his head vigorously.

"Yep, yep. I definitely love you…" a tear fell down his cheek and he closed his eyes tight as he felt a familiar shaking in his body start. He didn't want to start sobbing. What if Mels saw him? What would he tell him?

He shook his head 'no' and let out a long breath. Same old routine. Same old pain. Yet, even after years of this he felt like he had a new open gash in his heart and god fucking damn it, it hurt. He hadn't drank in the beginning. But he stopped cutting himself because he didn't want Mel to see it. He snorted. Even though he told himself he should stop taking shit from the man he couldn't. He obeyed him like a dog. He was the only, and I mean only, person Matt would let talk to him like that. But he still didn't want Mello to hurt the way he did. Mostly he didn't want his fucking pity. That would be even worse than this. Seeing Mello feel bad for him. Make him feel pathetic. No way in bloody fucking hell.

A hand brushed the tears away from Matt's cheek and it took him a whole second to realize. He snapped his eyes open and fell backwards in his chair fumbling. He felt a panic rise from him as he looked up to piercing blue eyes.

"I…I'm…" he fumbled over his words. His heart sunk deep down in his chest. So low he wasn't sure he'd ever find it. He wanted to look away. Hideaway his shame but he couldn't keep his eyes off the man. The man sitting in front of him. The one who was looking in his soul searching for an answer. He held absolutely no expression. He always hid his feelings from him. He shouldn't be surprised. But knowing that made him pissed.

He felt that same heat rise in his face again. "I'm drunk." He stated after a few moments of silence. The blonde across from him just chuckled.

"I see that." He replies.

He tried not to look at him. It would knock down all those beautiful walls he kept up so well. His psyche was already being compromised by being so drunk. Matt, again, was a terrible drunk. You know that saying, 'You don't do things you don't want to do when your sober, you just have more balls when your drunk'?

Well, that was Matt. He always had a habit of doing stupid things but when he was drunk it was like the only things he did.

"So…just out of curio-osity." He started frowning trying to pronounce the word. He must be more drunk then he thought. "Curiosity," he smiled.

"How long have you been standing there?" he asks innocently looking up at the blonde trying hard as hell to make his words understandable.

There was a long silence and Matt knew exactly what that meant. Of course he hadn't expected for the blond to come running up to him, hugging him and telling him he loved him but he couldn't help but feel a little disappointed at the lack of general behavior. He didn't seem to be phased at all. Okay, maybe a little. But not enough. Matt looked away quickly and shut his eyes. He gulped and let out a shaky breath. That hurt.

Nothing to say Mello? For once in your god damn life you have nothing to say?

"Long enough." Mello said softly.

"Well, I am really drunk. And my tummy hurts. And I think I'm going to go to bed." Matt said.

Mello opened his mouth to speak but Matt shushed him.

"I'm going to bed." He said firmly. No matter how bad he knew it was true, he just couldn't take Mello saying the actual words. It would hurt too much. He would just go to bed and hopefully blame this on him being drunk or say that he didn't remember it in the morning.

Mello didn't press him. He just furrowed his eyebrows. Which was weird, because he always had something to say. Instead he just held out his hand to help the brunette off the floor.

Matt shook his head. "I can do it." He said trying to lift himself on wobbly legs.

Mello sighed irritably. "No you can not. Let me help you." He said. He reached out to grab Matt but Matt moved out of the way. Instead he went fumbling backwards and fell over the kitchen chair bringing broken dishes down with him.

"Jesus Matt!" Mello exhaled and quickly knelt by Matt to pull him up.

"No!" Matt screamed feeling tears come out of his eyes. "I…I can do it." He said voice cracking.

Mello froze.

"Jesus matt…" he said almost inaudibly. He clenched his eyes shut and let out a deep breath. He knew his friend just needed a moment. There was no way he was going to get to the couch without him.

"Please let me help you." He said softly. Causing the man across from him to stare at him.

"Please?" he said lifting his hands up. "Your finally saying something nicely? Sheesh Mels. I didn't think you had it in you!" he said drunkenly letting a goofy smile run across the gamers face.

Mello couldn't help but smile back. "Well shit Matty, you almost cracked your head open." He said.

Matt giggled. "I know, I couldn't feel my legs." He said frowning and looking down.

"You mustn't drink so much." He said back to his friend while pulling his arm over his shoulder. Matt didn't refuse this time. Instead he let Mello wrap an arm around his waist and carry him off the floor.

"I don't drink!" he said pouting. "Only now. When you sleep." He said cheerfully. Not understanding what he truly said.

Mello swallowed hard. He hated seeing him like this. This wasn't like the gamer at all. He flopped Matt on the couch and threw a blanket over him while he curled into a ball.

He left the couch to move into the kitchen and clean up the shards of glass. It wasn't like he was a neat freak. Because he wasn't. It's just he didn't want to walk in here bare foot and cut himself. Or Matt to cut himself.

Once he accomplished his task he returned to the living room. Matt was passed out. Cold. He walked over to him and cleared a few hairs from his face.

"What am I supposed to do with you…?" he asked softly. The only reply he got back was silence. The eerie silence of night.

Once he was sure Matt was sleeping he went to the window that looked out over the slums of the city they lived in. He had led them here. To this disgusting place. Matt had tried to convince him he really didn't mind but Mello wouldn't listen. He would never forgive himself…not for Matt, not what he had done. And now, he had hurt him again. And he hadn't even known!

He felt a pinge of pain rech his heart and tears started to form in his eyes. He shook slightly and put his hand over his mouth. He screamed silently and dropped to his knee's letting his head hang.

"I'm sorry matt… I'm so sorry." He sobbed breathlessly.

Mello had dreamed of telling that boy that he loved him. Dreamed night after night since they were kids. Dreamed about kissing his soft lips, running his fingers through his hair, owning him, kissing him, claiming him. He didn't know anything else he wanted so bad. He wanted him so bad that it hurt. He had fucked up. Fucked up bad. He hadn't told him because it wasn't safe. People like him didn't get the happy ending. The one they loved. And now, he had made Matt love him back.

He squeezed his eyes tighter and dug his nails into his palm. His other hand was still up to his mouth as he held onto any strand of reality he could. He couldn't break down. Not now.

It wasn't safe. Matt wasn't safe. It wasn't as if Matt couldn't live on his own. He could. It was that Mello wasn't sure he could live without the brunette. He couldn't, no, wouldn't let Matt know that. No matter how much it hurt him. He had to protect him. If nothing else, he had to protect.

"I'm so sorry…" he breathed. His eyes continually to shed silent tears. Tormented by everything that was himself. He screamed again into his palm and bit his quivering lip so hard he bled.

"No no no no no no…." he shook his head. His heart ached and he was crying so hard he could barely breath. Soundless screams and sobs left the blondes lips causing him to clutch his side painfully.

Mello turned back to look at the sleeping man, curled up in the blankets, furrowed eyebrows, and mumbling in his sleep.

You know how when people think they're going to die, their life flashes in front of their eyes? That's what it was kind of like. He saw every moment of his and Matt's life together. When they were kids, running around at Whammy's. Fighting about stupid things. Reconciling by buying each other chocolate, or a new video game. When they laughed so hard their sides hurt. Seeing Matt's hair in the sunlight, him smiling that goofy at him. That smile that made Mello's heart clench and soften at the same time. The one that showed all his teeth. The way he looked at Mello when he got him his new game consol. The way he looked at Mello when he broke that new game consol. The day he made up for it. The time Matt had spent all day looking for German chocolate for Mello's birthday. The cute frown he wore when he burnt thanksgiving dinner. All the times he told Mello to be careful, that if 'he wanted to live he wouldn't die on him or else he's go to hell and bring him back just so he could kill him himself'. Didn't make too much sense, but it showed Mello he cared. The temper tantrums the brunette always tolerated. The time they watched the sunset from the roof. The colors danced across the sky. But even that had nothing against Matt's true beauty. He was angel. Perfect. Those eyes he hid behind those orange tinted goggles made Mello melt. They were just so….Matt. He smiled softly. Sure they fought all the time. He would bend him so far he would break but he was always right here waiting when it blew over.

He thought about dozens of other times the two had spent together. The way he made him feel. He felt the walls around start to fall away around him. He felt the glass he was made of shatter into a million pieces. God damn it. Mihael Keehl did not cry. But here he was. Sobbing. No, sobbing wouldn't give dignity to the pain and how hard he had hit the bottom. He didn't want to hurt him anymore. He wanted to see the boy smile. He wanted him to be happy. Not, fine. Not okay. Happy.

That's when he decided. He had to do it. He had to do it before he changed his mind. He stood up and walked to his room. Only whispering slightly before shutting the door to his room.

"I fucking love you Mail…" he said voice cracking. It wasn't the voice of a mob boss. It wasn't the voice of a rebellious man. No. It was the voice of a broken hearted Mello. A Mello that was about to break himself, more than he had ever broke Matt.