Blaine smiles at his shirt, the fabric soft under his fingers and smelling like washing powder. He used way more shower gel than necessary, scrubbed his skin raw to get rid of Sebastian's scent. Now his body feels cleansed, new, and it feels good.

Maybe he could burn this bridge.

It's not a maybe. He knows he could. He could tell Sebastian; I'm sorry, thanks for everything but I can't do this. Have a nice life. There would be a flash of disappointment in Sebastian's eyes, sadness too, maybe, but it would only last a moment. Sebastian is good at hiding his emotions. He would shrug and snort and probably say something like The sex sucked so it's okay, good luck trying to find your one true love or whatever silliness you believe in. And he would probably mean it, would be relieved he doesn't have to deal with the confusing, stupid mess that Blaine is now.

And it would hurt for a few weeks, when Blaine would be lying in his bed alone, wondering what Sebastian is doing now; maybe writing his paper after his shower, wearing his comfortable soft bathrobe that was too big for Blaine. He would glance away from his laptop and see the empty vase Blaine bought him, and he would remember Blaine, his handsome face twisted into a bitter scowl.

But they would both get over it. God knows, maybe Blaine could even forget it all, and there would be no Kurt or anyone to bring the memories back, since no one knows about what happened between them but the two of them.

He could – but he won't.

He won't, because Sebastian's umbrella is hanging next to his coat, and Sebastian let him sleep in his bed, and run after him in the rain when Blaine left without saying anything. He won't, because he remembers Sebastian's relieved grin before getting into the taxi, fingers holding Sebastian's umbrella tight, and Blaine isn't this much of an asshole.

Some beginnings – reunions, second chances, whatever – are rocky, and sometimes life just fucking sucks, but that doesn't mean things can't get better.

His small smile is actually honest when Sebastian calls him up.

"Hi." Sebastian's voice is quiet and a little tired. "Hey, sorry if I'm bothering you, I know it's late and everything. I just… How are you?"

It sounds like Are you okay?

"Yeah," Blaine licks his lips. He doesn't want Sebastian to worry about him. Blaine cheated, and he doesn't want anyone to feel pity for him. He has to deal with it on his own, without others feeling sorry for him. "I'm fine. You?"

"I'm fine too. Hey, listen… I think it would be, um, good for us to do something that, well, isn't sex."

A part of Blaine feels glad Sebastian apparently wants him for more than sex. A bigger part of him, though, feels ashamed and just really awful; so he isn't good enough for Sebastian. Sebastian expected him to be an awesome lover, he had all those fantasies… But he had to find out that Blaine is a disappointment. And now he doesn't want Blaine to embarrass himself even more trying to make Sebastian feel good. Awesome.

"Like what?" Blaine asks, trying not to show that he feels hurt. He isn't sure if Sebastian is trying to be nice or he wants to make Blaine feel humiliated. He gave up trying to understand Sebastian or predict his next move after the slushie, if he wants to be honest.

"Not dates, 'cause we are not boyfriends, I know that. But… we are friends. So… Let's go somewhere. I don't care where. Cinema, bowling, museums, opera, the fucking zoo, anything, really. Just… in the apartment we would inevitably end up having sex and I… want to do other stuff with you, too."

"Translation: you don't want to have sex with me." Blaine screws his eyes shut, cursing his stupid mouth for not consulting with his brain before letting the words slip out. But he feels humiliation burning inside him, bile rising in his throat, Sebastian's voice ringing in his head; Should I give you a map to find my prostate?

There's a long-suffering sigh, and Blaine wonders if Sebastian is just too tired to hide it or if he wants Blaine to know he is getting frustrated.

"I'm trying to make it work, Blaine." Blaine raises a skeptical eyebrow at that and then he immediately feels a bit bad. If Sebastian didn't care he wouldn't have called Blaine up, wondering how he is. "Believe it or not, I want you for more than just your ass."

"Yeah?" Blaine asks. "For example?"

"Don't make me talk about things like that," Sebastian says, and he must be scowling or maybe pouting, Blaine isn't sure. He can't decide whether to laugh or roll his eyes either. "Why do you want me?"

Because… Because why not? Because Blaine is single now and so is Sebastian and wouldn't it be silly to not even give them a chance after everything they went through in high school? Because Sebastian looks lovely with his bangs and Blaine wants to know more about his dreams and plans and kissing him feels so good, and the sex could be just as good, much better, even, they just have to find out how to fit together.

"I told you before, Sebastian. I liked you in high school, there was attraction between us, but I was with Kurt then. Now I'm single. You want me, I want you; there's no reason why we shouldn't try to… to be together."

There's silence, and Blaine wonders if Sebastian expected something else. But it would be a lie if Blaine told him he loves Sebastian and can't live without him, and Blaine doesn't want to lie. There are already too many lies. And anyway, Sebastian wouldn't want a love confession; he would run for the hills if he heard Blaine utter those three little words, probably.

(Maybe one day they will tell it to each other, and it will feel just as natural as it used to feel with Kurt. Probably not, probably they will fall apart way before that, but…)

"So you don't want to do something other than sex?"

"Of course I do," Blaine sighs. "It's just that, well… When it comes to a relationship, any kind of relationship, you know, there are problems. And if we ignore them, if instead of resolving the, um, issues we act like there's nothing wrong and focus on other things… It won't disappear. I know it won't, Sebastian. I have more experience when it comes to relationships."

"Ooh," Sebastian doesn't sound like he actually understands. "So you suggest…?"

"We have to fuck without either of us feeling awful, humiliated, unsatisfied, hurt, and so on. It doesn't have to be perfect, but…"

"Dinner is here!" Blaine hears Kurt shout and he quickly whispers a Sorry, have to go now into the phone before ending the call. Living with Kurt has lots of advantages; they share the housework, they take care of Courage and the new kitten together, they can discuss their woes and joys in person instead of using the phone or the webcam. And living alone would suck; Blaine isn't sure how Sebastian can do it. Blaine would start to feel depressed after the first week if he had to wake up in an empty house every morning, and if there was no one he could speak to when he gets home. But he remembers Sebastian talking in high school about how his parents were hardly ever home, so he is probably already used to it…

Right now, though, he wishes he didn't live with Kurt. But he can only spend so many nights in a hotel room before Kurt would get seriously worried and probably tell Rachel and Cooper and Burt and even Blaine's mom and dad and Blaine really doesn't want that.

Blaine hurries into the kitchen and takes the pizza out of Kurt's hand as Kurt grins at him.

"So you bought a new umbrella, huh?" Blaine looks up from the pizza. Shit. He should have hidden the umbrella or something. He doesn't want Kurt to find out about Sebastian. Not now. Not yet. "It's cute."

Blaine smiles weakly. He wonders what Sebastian would say if he knew Kurt called his umbrella cute. It is cute, a lovely pastel green color, and Blaine has the feeling it was a present; he doubts Sebastian himself would choose an umbrella like this.

"Yeah," Blaine nods. He licks his lips, wanting to apologize again for something he doesn't even remember, but what would be the point? It would be pouring acid into just reopened old wounds.

He watches Kurt wash his hands thoroughly with a heavy feeling in his chest.

Did he really cheat on Kurt? Did he actually sleep with another boy even though he loved Kurt so, so much? Because he remembers that; he remembers being in love with Kurt so much it made him want to scream and cry, a hole in his chest where his heart used to beat, growing bigger and bigger with every day Kurt didn't pick the phone up.

So silly. So fucking ridiculous. He used to be such a child.

Blaine thought – hoped and feared at the same time – that having sex with Sebastian would bring the memories back.

It didn't. He still can't remember anything; neither the boy's face nor his name, how far they went and what Blaine felt during it…

But he stayed there, in Sebastian's embrace, until his orgasm. Again. Just like the first time they had sex, when Blaine felt like it was empty and impersonal. This time it wasn't empty and impersonal. Instead it brought the worst out of both of them, and Sebastian was right; Blaine was the one who started it, talking about cheating on Kurt instead of focusing on Sebastian. Of course Sebastian wasn't happy about that.

Once upon a time Blaine thought he needs love to have sex. That he just simply can't do it if he isn't in love with the other person.

Oh, how naive, how wrong he used to be.

"So," Sebastian starts as Blaine takes his shoes off. "We should fuck and it should be… it shouldn't be bad. That's what you want?"

"Yeah," Blaine straightens up, shrugging his coat off. "Believe me, if we don't it'll slowly but surely poison our, um, friendship and our friendship already isn't exactly…" Blaine falls silent, but Sebastian nods in understanding, giving Blaine a tight little smile. "It's both of our fault, okay? I shouldn't have thought about… anything else during it. I'm sorry. And you shouldn't have mocked me. So we know what the problems were, and all we have to do is, well, not repeat them. It shouldn't be too difficult."

"This really isn't how I expected it," Sebastian runs his hand through his hair. He looks frustrated, the corner of his lips twitching.

"What?" Blaine asks, his stomach twisting.

"Everything." Sebastian laughs sharply. "The moment I first saw you at Dalton… I had no idea years later we would end up like… this. But it doesn't matter. It's okay. We have what we have."

"We don't have to," Blaine spits out, feeling nauseous suddenly. He reaches for his coat, wanting to leave. Fuck this. Blaine won't force Sebastian to do anything Sebastian doesn't want to.

"Don't be so overdramatic, Blaine." Sebastian's hand catches his wrist, his hold gentle but sure, making Blaine's heart skip a beat.

"Now you're being a condescending asshole!" Blaine turns around, pushing his index finger against Sebastian's chest. Sebastian's fingers tighten around his wrist. Blaine isn't sure why he doesn't just pull his hand away. "You weren't expecting this, hm? Well, neither was I, actually! And you think I have never been disappointed? Or you think you're so perfect? And hey, if you don't want me just say so and I…"

"Hey, no, stop." Blaine obeys, even though what he wants the most is to scream into Sebastian's face that he can't just interrupt him like this in the middle of his sentence. But there's a look in Sebastian's eyes that makes Blaine listen to him. "This is your problem. You're so quick to overreact, Blaine. True, I had done things to you that were truly hurtful, but now I was only saying that things are, well, weird between us, which you can't deny either. That's not reason enough for you to get all huffy and leave."

"Get all huffy?" Blaine scowls. "I'm not a child, Sebastian!"

"I know," Sebastian sighs. "But you're certainly acting like one."

Blaine feels all anger leave him as he looks away, his arm falling to his side. Sebastian is right; he is acting like a child. Ever since he met Sebastian again, jumping into his bed and thinking they are boyfriends, Blaine has been nothing but childish and stupid.

"We can wait for a few days. Even weeks, if you need that." Sebastian lets go of his wrist. "If that would be better. Maybe things are too much, too raw now, and you need some time to be alone. It's totally fine, I understand. Sometimes you just need to not be near a person because it's…"

"What?" Blaine laughs in confusion. "You think I need a few weeks to hide in shame because you humiliated me while fucking? Sebastian, what kind of a delicate little flower do you think I am?"

"Fuck it, you cried! Sorry for trying to care!"

"I'm not saying you shouldn't care, but you should trust me enough to believe I know what I want."

"Do you really?"

"Yes!" Blaine fights the urge to stomp his feet. He doesn't want to seem even more childish. "You don't have to worry about me, I'm fine. I'm totally fine. I thought about it last night, and what we need, the most important thing? It's honesty."

"Honesty," Sebastian echoes, rolling the word on his tongue like he has never heard it before.

"While we were waiting for my taxi, what you said about feeling like you only have half of me now, and that it frustrated you that I didn't focus on you, that was a really good start." Sebastian rolls his eyes. Blaine smiles softly, trying not to act like a teacher praising a little kid for doing his homework. But in a way he feels proud of Sebastian, for swallowing his pride to admit that he is hurt, especially to the person who hurt him, even if that really wasn't Blaine's intention. It certainly helped Blaine. He feels guilty; how could he be so selfish he didn't even think about how Sebastian must be feeling? Was it how it was with that boy, too? Was Blaine too busy thinking about Kurt and hating himself to even really look at the other boy? Probably. "You also said that you don't like to be on the bottom, not in the Missionary position." Sebastian opens his mouth, somehow looking both quite pissed and a little flustered, but Blaine quickly continues. "Which is totally understandable, not everyone likes every position. But you should have told me that before, not after. I wouldn't have gotten offended."

"It's not such a big deal," Sebastian scoffs. He looks at Blaine, and there's surprise in his eyes, like he wasn't expecting Blaine to bring it up. Or even remember it. "Really, it's not."

"If we want to have sex that feels good for both of us we have to do it in a position that we both like," Blaine explains. "For me, for example, eye contact is important. The first time we had sex I really missed it, and the second time, well, too many other things were happening to think about that. But I'm telling you now; unless it makes you uncomfortable I think we should look into each other's eyes."

"This sounds a lot like a council of war." Blaine crosses his arms in front of his chest, tilting his head to the side and glaring at Sebastian. Sebastian quickly raises his hands. "Don't get upset, I'm just saying that… I'm not used to it. With the other guys the only thing we had to discuss is whose condom to use."

"Well, we tried to fuck without discussing it, and it didn't work. We have… issues, both of us, and we have to talk about them. If you're not willing to talk let's just end this right now. That was the problem with Kurt too, you know? I wanted to talk with him and I couldn't. And with us, Sebastian… I know this is news for you but sometimes your cock isn't enough. I know it's not easy for you to imagine that any man might needs something more than your majestic penis up his ass, but actually…"

"I know, I know," Sebastian grimaces. "You told me already, you think Kurt was a better lover. Whatever. You come here saying you want to talk and be honest and trying to act mature and then you insult me. Great."

Blaine doesn't say anything, his fingers gripping his arms more tightly.

Can they really work? Is it worth trying to make this work? Wouldn't it be easier if they just gave up now, before they start to truly hate each other instead of only being frustrated as hell?

Maybe Sebastian can read his thoughts, maybe they are written on Blaine's face, or maybe he just came to the same conclusion at the same time, Blaine isn't sure, but Sebastian turns away from him. He walks to the couch and picks up his cardigan, putting it onto the table before he sits down and pulls his laptop into his lap. He doesn't even glance up at Blaine before he starts to type, probably continuing writing his paper.

Blaine doesn't know what to do. Should he just leave? Should he say something? Explain, apologize, ask? But suddenly his mind feels empty. It feels like he has already told Sebastian everything, and there's nothing left to say; if Sebastian still doesn't understand him, well, that's it. They reached a dead end.

He stares at Sebastian; the other man reaches blindly for the bottle on the table and raises it to his lips, drinking so greedily a drop of water escapes and slides down his chin, and Blaine follows its journey with fascination until it disappears under Sebastian's shirt. He watches Sebastian run an annoyed hand through his hair; well, it's good to know Blaine isn't the only thing that makes him frustrated, Blaine thinks with a wry smile.

"Hey?" Blaine tries, his voice quiet and tentative, even though he would really, really like to grab a pillow and just whack Sebastian's head with it, hard. He doesn't like to be ignored. Especially not right now.

"You sorted out whatever you had to sort out?" Sebastian asks calmly, still not looking up from his laptop. "I told you, it's fine if you need some time to…"

"What if I rode you? What do you think about that position?"

Sebastian's eyebrows disappear under his bangs. Blaine decides to take it as a look of pleasant surprise instead of mocking incredulity.

"Sounds good." There's silence again, until Sebastian closes his laptop and puts it carefully down onto the table before patting his thighs. "Come here already."

Blaine climbs into his lap and Sebastian's lips are on his and his hands are grabbing his ass before Blaine could even blink. It's not desperate or needy, but it's sure and confident, and, in a way, it steadies Blaine. There's no urgency in the way Sebastian's lips press against his, and when Blaine opens his mouth for him Sebastian's tongue moves slowly, curiously, wanting to taste and enjoy without any hurry. It's good, it truly is, but they have no problems with kissing. It's only when it's more…

Blaine closes his eyes, scolding himself for not being able to enjoy the moment. That was the problem last time too.

Blaine's tongue brushes against Sebastian's, and he stiffens, his fingers twitching against Sebastian's shoulders; Sebastian tastes faintly of something sweet; tea with too many spoons of sugar.

"Whoa." Blaine leans back, and he can't help the giddy grin, lips tingling from the kiss. "You made me tea and then drank it?"

Sebastian laughs. "Not bad, Sherlock. There's still some left. You want it?"

"No," Blaine shakes his head. He doesn't remember feeling so light in a while. "Did you miss my kisses? So you made tea to have its taste in your mouth while you're working on your paper, reminding you of me?"

"No," Sebastian scowls, but then the curve of his lips softens into an amused smile. "Maybe."

And Blaine kisses him for it, for his honesty and for the taste in his mouth and for that lovely little smile. He kisses him hard, imagining Sebastian standing up to move his stiff muscles and walking into the kitchen, glancing at the teaspoon lying on the edge of the counter and remembering kissing Blaine.

"Hey," Sebastian's hand moves from Blaine's ass to his face, cupping his cheek, his fingertip brushing the corner of his eye, making his eyelashes flutter. "You remember the Eglantine Roses? When Dave was in the hospital, and you told me on the phone I should give them to him." Blaine nods, feeling like all that happened a lifetime ago. "I think I'm gonna buy a bouquet, tomorrow morning. To put into your vase."

"Really?" Blaine grins.

"Yeah." Sebastian's thumb finds his mouth, pressing down against his lower lip gently, making it tremble. Sebastian's breath hitches, but when Blaine glances into his eyes it's not lust he sees there. It's something lazy, soft, quiet, something Blaine has never seen before. Not in Sebastian's eyes, not in Kurt's or anyone else's expression. He remembers Sebastian's eyes blaze with anger, and turn icy cold with cruel mockery, and darken with raw hurt, and become completely unreadable, he remembers flashes of bright desire, too, but this is something very new.

Warmth curls in Blaine's stomach, and he imagines waking up and raising his head from Sebastian's chest and seeing Sebastian's eyes look down at him like this, imagines finding the same look in his eyes when Sebastian greets him with a kiss as he opens the door, or as the back of their hands brush as they buy popcorn in the cinema.

"I like you," the words rush out of Blaine's mouth and bring such relief that Blaine is left gasping for breath. Suddenly it's like something shifts into place. His love for Kurt, and whatever happened with Facebook boy, they're the past. And the future, god, Blaine doesn't know anything about that. But he knows the present. He knows it now. Some awful mistake in high school Blaine doesn't even remember won't ruin this. Blaine won't let it. If his relationship with Sebastian fails it will do so because of other reasons. "A lot. Sebastian, I really do like you a lot."

"Okay," Sebastian whispers, clearly confused. His eyes lose that unfamiliar but lovely something, and instead fill with concern. "Are you alright?"

Blaine presses a little peck to Sebastian's lips before grinning down at him happily. He isn't sure why, but it feels like his heart is too big for his chest, so filled to the brim with a joy that makes him feel relieved and silly and vulnerable all at the same time. "Yep."

He wraps one arm around Sebastian's waist as he grabs Sebastian's fingers with his other hand, pulling his hand away from his face. He intertwines their fingers and just looks at them. Sebastian's fingers are long and pale, and Blaine remembers how Sebastian kissed the back of his hand at that café. It was such a strange thing; it should have been a sweet and romantic gesture, but it was more like something teasing, mocking, even. That was Sebastian's specialty even back in high school; giving Blaine that one Eglantine Rose and cheering him on and sometimes smiling warmly at him and calling him sunshine and flawless while being, well, Sebastian. Confusing the fuck out of Blaine with a cocky, flirty grin, making Blaine feel too many conflicting emotions for him, being such a… a horrible and stupid and interesting and lovely person.

He draws Sebastian's hand to his lips, his tongue darting out to lick at the tip of Sebastian's thumb, quirking a challenging eyebrow. Sebastian's lips open in a wide smile.

"Are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Anderson?"

Blaine bursts out laughing, ducking his head and pressing his forehead against Sebastian's shoulder. He feels Sebastian's body tremble under him as he laughs with Blaine, wrapping his arms around Blaine's shoulders. When the laughter subsides they remain like that, the warmth of Sebastian's body and the scent of his cologne, the feeling of his strong arms around Blaine's shoulders making Blaine smile into the fabric of Sebastian's shirt.

They move to Sebastian's bed only because it's bigger than the couch and because the lube is on the bedside table. Blaine worries his lip with his teeth as he slowly sinks down onto Sebastian's cock, gripping Sebastian's shoulders tight.

"You okay?" Sebastian murmurs. Blaine nods, their naked thighs pressing together hot and sweaty as he shifts on Sebastian's lap. There's an ache as Sebastian fills him, but it's expected and more than bearable.

"Tell me something," Blaine whispers, not wanting to speak loudly. The position is intimate, face to face and close to each other, but in a way it gives Blaine confidence, the knowledge that if Sebastian says anything awful he can just get off his lap and leave him. Though the chances of Blaine ruining it is just as high, actually… "Something nice."

"You feel good?" Sebastian tries with a half-smile. "Should I go for 'dirty nice' or 'cheesy nice'?"

Blaine laughs a little, closing his eyes as he tentatively raises his thighs a bit. He would lie if he said he didn't miss sex on a purely mindless, instinctual level. It never became a need strong enough that he had no choice but to find a one night stand, but now that he finally has it again he suddenly remembers how great it felt with Kurt. His boyfriends after Kurt just weren't what he wanted, but Sebastian, fuck, he is what Blaine wants. He has always been, even if not as a boyfriend, but Blaine can't remember a moment he didn't think Sebastian is smoking hot. He loved Kurt, but fuck if he wasn't attracted to Sebastian just as much as he was to his actual boyfriend.

"You have pretty eyes, Sebastian." Blaine sighs, lowering himself again until Sebastian is completely inside him again. "Very greenish." Sebastian laughs at that, said eyes sparkling a little with mirth. "Not that that can be seen very well. Your pupils are big now. You're aroused. Not that your," Blaine gasps in surprise as his curious wriggling in Sebastian's lap make the head of Sebastian's cock press against his prostate, and he grinds back against the pleasure, head falling back before he remembers that eye contact is important and that there is a sentence he has yet to finish, "your dick up my ass isn't a good enough clue, of course."

Sebastian smirks, pleased and proud, smug, even, but instead of making Blaine angry or insecure this smugness only lights a fire in his stomach, making him shiver all over. Sebastian's hands find Blaine's hips and curl against his skin like they were made for that place on Blaine's body. For a moment he is worried Sebastian wants to change Blaine's slow, tentative rhythm to something harder and quicker, to something more, but Sebastian's hands just remain there, warm and sure on Blaine's hips. Blaine is glad; he wants all the control he can have now. "Your eyes are even prettier."

"I know," Blaine grins. "I mean I know you think that. You told me after Regionals, when we became friends again after the slushie. You even asked me if I have contact lenses."

"You remember that?"

Blaine shrugs. "I had no reason to forget about that."

It's as if the sun suddenly disappeared behind dark clouds and left the world gloomy. Sebastian must have noticed it too, or maybe he is just good at reading Blaine, because suddenly his fingers are under Blaine's chin and he gently forces Blaine to look him in the eye. Sebastian's eyes are serious and soft, but it feels like too many things are still hidden from Blaine in them. The thought makes Blaine feel vulnerable and annoyed; he has no idea what Sebastian is thinking or feeling even though Sebastian seems to be able to look through him frighteningly easily. But Sebastian has always been good at understanding others, finding their weak spots, their insecurities and fears. That made him such a great manipulative asshole in high school, after all.

"Should we stop?" Sebastian asks him. Blaine hesitates, screwing his eyes shut. What would be worse; stopping now and leaving them both unsatisfied, or finishing but not being able to concentrate on Sebastian yet again?

"Tell me something," Blaine says, his voice pleading. "About you, about me, about us. Anything. As long as it's nice."

"I had fantasies like this." Sebastian pauses, like he isn't sure he wants to continue. But Blaine quickly smiles down at him, lips shaking in his pleasure, and Sebastian starts to speak again, his fingers grabbing Blaine's erection. Blaine moans appreciatively, raising his hips and fucking himself down on Sebastian's dick again and again, moving with confidence. It's surprisingly easy, but Blaine guesses it's like riding a bicycle; once you learn it you'll always know how to do it. "We were at Dalton, doing homework in our room, and you got bored and took the book out of my hands and just climbed into my lap and then moved on my dick until you came, and I fucked you through the aftershocks. And there was another one where you had your hands behind your back, tied together, and…" Blaine stares down at him, feeling sparks of shock and desire rush through his blood at the image, and Sebastian kisses him once, quick and soft. "Sorry, if that was too much or…"

"Fuck no," Blaine shakes his head, and he isn't sure what pushes him over the edge; the flush on Sebastian's cheeks, the weight of his hands on Blaine's hips or the thought of seventeen years old Sebastian in his bed, touching himself thinking about Blaine bouncing on his cock, wrists tied together behind his back. Blaine comes in messy white stripes across Sebastian's stomach, fingernails digging into Sebastian's shoulders.

Sebastian comes a moment or two later, his face pressed against Blaine's neck – and even in the haze of his pleasure Blaine can't help but feel just a flicker of disappointment; he wanted to look into Sebastian's eyes when he came. But maybe that would have been too much, too intimate for Sebastian. Honestly, Blaine was surprised Sebastian agreed to any kind of eye contact.

"So…?" The word is a puff of warm breath against Blaine's skin.

"It was okay," Blaine nods, sighing both in relief and loss as he climbs off Sebastian's lap and falls onto the mattress, staring up at the ceiling before turning his head towards Sebastian. Sebastian tilts his head, looking a bit offended. "Fine. It was great. Fist bump? To celebrate?" Sebastian laughs, shaking his head in amusement, but he accepts it. Blaine raises his arms toward him to pull him down to lie next to him, but Sebastian is already out of the bed.

"If you wanna celebrate let's do it properly," Sebastian winks down at him, and Blaine wonders if he wants a round two. He isn't against that at all but he needs at least ten minutes to be able to get hard again. And he wants to bask in their success first, no matter how ridiculous the whole thing is. He had sex with Sebastian Smythe and it didn't make him feel any kind of negative emotions, at least not for more than a few heartbeats, and that's great. "Courvoisier and cigarette? And I wanna wipe your come off my stomach. I'll be back in a minute."

"You smoke?"

Sebastian shrugs. "Not really. But mom accidentally left a packet here a month ago. I don't know if I like it but it makes me feel cool, so…" Sebastian laughs, and this time he is clearly laughing at himself. "You know how I am. I like to seem cool. It's quite important for me, even if no one else is actually there to see it. And… smoke makes things disappear or something like that. It's some kind of illusion thingy." Blaine tries to follow the train of thought, but it's not very easy, and he must be frowning in confusion or something because Sebastian's eyes flicker to his face and it makes him laugh at himself again. "I know it sounds dumb. But at least I understand it now better than I did in high school. That there are certain parts of me that I'm not exactly sure I want to see. Not that nicotine helps with that, but… It's about the smoke part of the cigarette, you know?"

Blaine isn't sure he does, but Sebastian doesn't expect an answer, because the next moment he is gone. Blaine smiles into Sebastian's pillow, thinking about how lovely Sebastian looked in nothing but his slippers, with Blaine's come on his stomach and his cheeks the slightest pink from sex, struggling with his words.

That there are certain parts of me that I'm not exactly sure I want to see.

Blaine knows how that feels, of course. He went to absurd lengths – somehow managing to fucking wipe his memories out and change his past, like in some movie – so that he doesn't have to see those certain parts, doesn't have to live with the knowledge that he…

"Shit, I forgot to ask," Sebastian reappears, now wearing a dark green bathrobe, tied so Blaine can't see much skin. "Do you even like Courvoisier?"

"I guess," Blaine smiles. To be honest he doesn't know much about Courvoisier, but it's some kind of cognac, isn't it? Its alcohol content must be way more than a beer's. Blaine really isn't sure he wants to get drunk. That could turn into a disaster quite easily. But if he drinks only a little that surely won't hurt anyone.

"You can have something else. I went to the grocery store last night, so I have beer, mineral water and orange juice."

"Courvoisier is fine," Blaine nods. Orange juice, really? He is not a kid.

It's certainly better than drinking cheap beer in a hotel room all alone. Sebastian looks glorious in his bathrobe, a collarbone just peeking out and begging Blaine to tease it with his lips and tongue, a cigarette between his fingers and a content smile on his lips.

"Life is golden now," Sebastian grins. "Courvoisier, mom's cigarette and a recently fucked Blaine Anderson with his legs tangled in my blanket."

Blaine almost chokes on his Courvoisier.

Not that you did much, is his first thought, which, actually, couldn't be further from the truth. Sure, Blaine's thighs did most of the work, but without Sebastian's eyes and words to reassure and comfort him they couldn't have done it.

Sebastian offers him the cigarette, and Blaine takes a drag slowly, careful not to cough.

"One evening I smoked and then I went home and mom caught the smell on my coat." Blaine smiles fondly at the memory. "I was chatting with Rachel in my room and mom screamed to come to her right now and I was like 'Whoa, mom, I didn't do anything'. I was already eighteen at that time and she was overreacting a lot, but she was just worried about me. But it made me a little scared of her, like 'Can I get away with anything without her knowing about it?'. Actually she knows about my sexuality too, so do my dad and my big brother."

"Are they okay with it?" Sebastian takes a sip of his drink, his eyes solemn. "I mean if you don't want to talk about it I understand, of course."

Blaine shrugs. He stretches his legs, moves his arm to find a more comfortable position.

"They are mostly okay with it, I think. Cooper really doesn't care whether I have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Mom and dad, well, they support me too, but I feel like, I don't know. Like they still hope that one day I'll realize that I like women too. Not that they wouldn't come to my wedding with a man, or that they would disown me if I adopted a kid with him, and I think they would love me just as much, but I feel like they would be, you know, disappointed. Like when I was dating Kurt in high school mom was totally cool with it, she was all smiles and kinds words, but I feel like she hoped it's just a teenager thing. I don't know if this makes sense."

"It does," Sebastian takes the cigarette back. "I think my parents only care that I'll be an attorney one day. Like I could fucking die and as long as I come back as a ghost to follow in dad's footsteps they don't give a fuck about anything else." Sebastian sighs, pushing a hand into his hair. So it seems that not only Blaine and his university paper, but also his parents frustrate him sometimes. "Okay, obviously that's not true like that, I was a bit overdramatic. Never mind."

"Your mom seemed nice, that one time we talked." Blaine knows that doesn't necessarily mean anything; the way parents act with others is often quite different from the way they are with their own children. "A bit strange, though. In some ways. No offense."

Sebastian snorts. "None taken."

And then he takes the glass out of Blaine's hand and then they are kissing, Blaine making a sound of surprise muffled by Sebastian's lips. The kiss tastes like Courvoisier and cigarette, and it's a mess of tongue and teeth, hard and demanding, and there, with his naked body pressed into the bed by Sebastian's bigger, bathrobe-clad body, his fingers grasping the soft fabric, his eyelids drooping half closed, it hits Blaine how different this is than how it was with Kurt. And there's no point trying to compare the two. It's something else.

It's something new.

Even if it only lasts for a few days, even if Sebastian calls him up next week to tell him he got bored of him, even then, for that little while this is a new chapter of Blaine Anderson's life. And it doesn't belong to Kurt or to that boy on Facebook, or to either his or Sebastian's parents. It belongs only to the two of them.

"You taste different now," Sebastian's eyes are bright and confusing, mysterious above him, and right, Blaine almost forgot; he doesn't know what the fuck Sebastian feels or wants. "You tasted so sweet before, all that sugar and tea. Now you don't taste like that."

"Yeah, well, I suppose that's what I am." It doesn't make Blaine feel sick anymore, he doesn't hate himself so fiercely now. He just feels resigned, almost calm. "At first I'm all sweet and sugary, and then I'm… not."

Sebastian stares down at him like, eyebrows drawn together. "That's not what I meant. It was just an observation."

"I know," Blaine nods. "But if you can go all poetic or whatever with your mom's cigarette and talk about feeling cool yet disappearing in the smoke I can do the same. I know you're disappointed in me, you told me, after all. And I can and I will and already did apologize, but… but I can't do anything about what happened in the past."

"Idiot," Sebastian scowls, but there's no anger in his tone. There's a bit of bitterness in his eyes, though, and it makes Blaine feel quite sad all of a sudden. "Took you so long to get it. I could understand it years ago, after all the lying and blackmailing and hurting others and being the worst little shit a teenager could be. The past only defines our future if we let it."

"That sounded super cool," Blaine grins, wriggling under Sebastian to wrap his legs around his waist, heels digging into Sebastian's bathrobe. "Who cares what your parents want? Fuck being an attorney; obviously your true destiny is to be a philosopher."

"That was common sense, actually." The cigarette is back between Sebastian's lips, and before Blaine could turn his head away there's smoke everywhere in his face, making him cough and glare up at Sebastian through the smoke. Sebastian looks half-amused, half-guilty.

"Is this about what you said before?" Blaine frowns. "Wanting to disappear or make me disappear with your cigarette?"

Sebastian snorts. "I just wanted to see you look adorable coughing and glaring at me. Sorry."

Blaine rolls his eyes. "That's pretty mean." And suddenly his hands are tugging Sebastian's bathrobe open and he is tickling Sebastian mercilessly, and Sebastian is making these soft little half laughing, half protesting sounds, his face pressed into the pillow right next to Blaine's head. Blaine listens to him, thinking about how unrestrained Sebastian sounds now. Neither of them is very vocal when it comes to sex, at least not with each other during all three times they fucked, though Blaine wasn't really a screamer with Kurt either and he doubts Sebastian made lots of noise with strangers in gay bar restrooms. But the way Sebastian laughs now, breathless and free and almost giggling tugs Blaine's lips into a happy smile.

We have what we have.

The echo of Sebastian's words this time doesn't make him feel sick. He turns his head to the side, pushing his nose into Sebastian's hair, inhaling its scent. His smile widens.

Sebastian is right.

They have what they have, and maybe – probably – it isn't enough.

But maybe it is.

(He doesn't have the chance to think about what it is or what it should be enough for, because Sebastian's lips are on his own and Blaine melts into the kiss, legs tightening around Sebastian's waist and hands roaming under his bathrobe, making Sebastian tremble above him.)