One-Tailed Brat

A Naruto oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

In the plane endless of white that was the collective telepathic consciousness of the nine bijū, two figures sat atop the head of a monstrous, sulking tanuki. They both had bright red hair, and they both were dressed in the fashion of shinobi.

The elder of the two sat across from the younger, seated in a meditative pose. His hair was done up in a ponytail, and he had a short, scraggly beard and mustache. His eyes were closed as he sat, motionless, in the lotus position.

"Focus," he quietly rumbled, "Focus on the chakra, solely on the chakra. Do not allow its thoughts into your mind, filter them out. Take in only the chakra."

A ways behind him, a gigantic four-tailed monkey with thick red fur and pale green skin snorted derisively. "How like a shinobi," he drawled imperiously. "'Only the chakra' indeed... Are you even trying to teach the child, Rōshi?"

The deceased jinchūriki studiously ignored the bijū's remark. While he was on better terms with Son now than he had been in life, the Four-Tails nonetheless still enjoyed criticizing his former vessel.

"Do not let the beast's words shake you, no matter what it says." Here he cracked one eye open, almost lazily regarding his pupil. "Do you understand what I'm saying, boy?"

Gaara, as stoic as ever, simply said, "Yes."

Rōshi nodded. "That's good. Now try reaching out for the One-Tails' chakra."

Gaara returned the nod and briefly closed his eyes. A blue aura surrounded him, and a similar aura soon appeared around Shukaku, upon whose head they sat. For a second, the two distinct chakra signatures simply sat there, touching but not reacting. Then, with a great soundless rush, chakra rose from Shukaku's form and streamed into Gaara.

The great tanuki grimaced as it felt its chakra being sucked into the coils of the Fifth Kazekage. "Tch... Hate this so much..." it grumbled petulantly.

Son Gokū rolled his eyes. "Don't be such a baby, Brother Shukaku. What would Kurama say, if he saw you pouting about having to give chakra to your jinchūriki?"

Shukaku snorted. "Kurama? That scrooge? Pfah! He'd probably..." He paused. "...well, he'd probably laugh, honestly. But that's just 'cause he's such a dick!" the cantankerous One-Tails growled insistently.

Gaara frowned at this, opening his eyes as he addressed the bijū. "You are the murderous, demonic psychopath who gnawed on my psyche like it was his own personal chew toy for the first thirteen years of my life. You are a bloodthirsty lunatic who revels in murder and mayhem. You are not in any position to be criticizing others."

Shukaku stuck his tongue out and blew a raspberry. "Don't be such a baby, jeez."

Gaara raised a nonexistant eyebrow. "Do you really want to try me, Shukaku? I'm no longer the scared little boy you used to torment. I am the Kazekage." His eyes hardened as his tone turned icy. "If you start a fight with me, I can't guarantee you'll walk away in one piece," he said coldly.

Shukaku swung his head back in a fit of laughter, throwing off Rōshi and Gaara. The former flipped through the air and landed skillfully on his feet. The latter flew a few feet before stopping in mid air, sand swirling at his feet.

"Ga-haaahahaha-hahaHAHAHAHA!" Shukaku cackled. "Kazekage? HAH! Don't make me laugh! A meaningless title! How amusing, you humans are, thinking that your titles and your so-called accomplishments would hold any weight with us tailed beasts! GAAA-HAHAHAHAHA! You remind me of that fool father of yo—" Before he could finish his sentence, Shukaku was slammed in the face with the haft of a massive, ornate halberd formed from hardened sand.

"Saikō Zettai Kōgeki: Shukaku no Hoko," Gaara growled, pointing the tip of the spear at the One-Tails' neck. "Extreme Tempered Ultimate Attack: Shukaku's Pike." Glaring at Shukaku, he intoned, "Give me one good reason I shouldn't run you through, here and now, and be done with it."

Shukaku's black-and-yellow eyes glinted mirthfully. "A pale imitation of the real thing," he crowed. "But still impressive fo a human. Ga-hahahahah—"

Again, Shukaku was cut off. Only this time, it was by a barehanded backhand that he was silenced.

SMACK

It was silent for a moment.

Then Shukaku burst into tears. "WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Gaara rubbed the back of his hand. Looking at the massive One-Tailed Shukaku crying like a little bitch, he rolled his eyes and said, "Ichibi, please."

A/N: If you don't get the punch-line, go back to the final line and read it aloud like "Bitch, please." It's really lame, but this thing was stream of consciousness the whole way through.

A simple little drabble I typed up around lunch time. Like its spiritual predecessors, Totally Less Than Threatening and No More Moon's Eye Plan, it's just a silly, stream of consciousness little thing lacking any sort of real plot. I'm not even going to try and fit this into the Naruto timeline, because I'm not putting any real thought into this.

Also, the text is kinda ugly with the bijū talk bolded like that, but the convention of bolding bijū talk has been around practically forever, and I'm sure as hell not gonna argue with it.