This story is a spin off of my story Goodbye, My love. It goes behind the note and tells what happens when Beck finds her.

Disclaimer: My name isn't Dan so Victorious isn't mine.

It was dark outside now. How much time had passed since I had first agreed to meet Andre and Tori here? I couldn't tell you. Time didn't really seem to matter as much now as it use to. Either way, I found myself spending the afternoon with my two friends who were basically dating. Although I knew they were doing this whole "lets go grab some pizza" thing for my benefit, I couldn't help but feel like the third wheel as they sat there all starry eyed at each other, talking about who knows what, I had lost track of the conversation moments ago.

"Hey man, you okay?"

I looked up to see Andre starring at me.

"Yeah, I'm cool." I replied half-heartedly.

"So," Tori began, trying to get me to participate in their discussion, "Is everything okay, really okay, I mean? You know, since...yeah...?"

Her casual jumping around the situation irritated me some. I had only agreed to come here because it would keep me from stalking Jade's slap page, so Tori could at least come out and say the purpose of all the awkwardness.

"Oh you mean since Jade and I broke up two days ago? Or since Jade decided to ignore me and act as though I don't exist even though I'm trying to be mature and be civil toward her? Or maybe since Cat glares at me anytime I see her now because she's Jade's best friend? Yeah, Tori, things are great, just peachy."

The two stared at me in silence for a moment. Tori cleared her throut. "Look Beck, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that you were...I just know that this is probably hard for you, and I just wanted..."

"I know." I interupted her. "It's okay. Sorry I snapped a bit there. It's fine, just a little stressful. I'm trying to get a balance back.

She nodded and let the subject drop. Andre covered the weird pause by asking about an assignment due the following week.

"I don't know what I'm going to do for it." Tori informed him. "Jade was assigned as my partner, but she hasn't been at school since..." She looked over hesitantly at me. I acted as though I didn't notice and took another sip of my soda.

"Well, I'd go ahead and pick a topic, then when she comes back, you can fill her in." Andre suggested. Tori smiled at him. "Yeah I probably should. Thanks."

"Who did you get partnered with?" Andre asked me, but before I could answer, my phone started buzzing. I pulled it out of my pocket and checked the I.D.

Jade?

"Hello?" I answered, a little excited and nervous. I mean, she has been avoiding me since our break up, and I was caught off gaurd.

"Beck?" I heard her ask quietly.

"Yeah...what is it? Jade?" I asked, trying to make my voice sound composed and strong.

"I...I did something...you wont like it, but I don't care." She answered. Her voice was small, and I was immediately worried.

"What is it? What's going on?" I asked, telling myself not to play into her words incase this was just some set up to get back at me for not opening that dang door. This is Jade after all, and I knew better.

"I need you, Beck...Come home..." Okay, now I was feeling a little panicky. Why was Jade saying this?

"What's wrong, Jade? Where are you?" I could feel Andre and Tori's eyes on me, but I ignored them and walked outside the resturant so I could hear her voice better.

Her answer was faint, with a weary humorless laugh. "You have to ask? Beck, I need to see you. Come home. And please...hurry." I could barely hear the words, as they were so close to a whisper now.

"Jade?" I called into the phone, but it beeped at me, assuring that the call was over.

Home...what did she mean? Her house? No that wouldn't make since, she hated it there. That's why she had spent so much time at my R.V when we were dating. Then it hit me. My R.V! Jade always called it "our little home" because she said it should be considered part hers because of all her things there.

I ran back inside to tell Tori and Andre.

"Hey guys," I said when I spotted them, in line to pay the bill. "That was Jade, something's up, and I think she's at my R.V."

"What's going on?" Andre asked, while handing the waiter some cash.

"I don't know." I exclaimed. "But she sounded, weird. I'm worried."

"Okay, we'll follow you out there, just incase." Tori insisted.

"Fine, whatever, but I'm going now." I proclaimed, and walked out to the parking lot.

I barely remember the drive back to my place, or much of the chaos that followed. But the memory haunts me still. I walked in and the R.V was mostly dark, the only light was coming from my beside lamp. But that was all the light I needed to see her. Jade was lying on my bed, almost completely still. I ran to her, noticing there was blood around her. Blood coming from her arms.

Her eyes were closed and for a moment I froze next to her. I could feel my head shaking and a groan escaped my lips. This wasn't real, she couldn't have...but oh, she could have. I had forgotten among all our fights, pointless bickering, and endless battles how fragile Jade really was. I moved forward to her, regaining my sense, sliding under her body, so she lay in my lap.

"Jade?" I shook her slightly. To my relief, her eyes opened.

"Beck?" She whispered, hardly making any noise.

"What is this, Jade? What did you do?" I almost shouted, scared now, her eyes were fluttering. Her eyes drifted next to where we sat. Her favorite pair of scissors lay there, stained with blood.

"Sorry..." she choked. Tori and Andre finally rushed in. I had beat them here, not exactly paying mind to traffic laws, and I heard a shocked gasp escape the latina's mouth when she took in the scene.

"Call an ambulance!" I told her, before turning back to Jade.

"Jade, you promised, no more hurting yourself. Why would you do this? Your better than this!" I kept talking, noticing that her eyes were focusing better the more I did.

"Sorry..." she mouthed again. I had begun to use my blanket, trying to stop the blood from her arm.

Andre, noticing my attempts, ran to my small bathroom and wet a cloth rag for me.

"The ambulance is on the way!" Tori assured me as I grabbed the wet rag.

"Jade, hold on! Just a bit longer!" I urged her.

She didn't appear to be listening to me. Just watching me. I wondered if she was going into shock.

"Jade!" I was getting frantic now. I wrapped the cloth around her wrist, applying pressure there. I needed the blood flow to stop.

"I...I - I love you." She huffed quietly, but it was enough to steal my breath.

"I know." I told her. "I love you too, Jade. Hang on, please."

She shook her head and tried to say something. It looked as though she were fighting exhastion.

" Cant...Don't...I- I don't know...without you...just...easier...this...sorry."

I caught enough for all of this to click. "Oh, Jade!" I could feel tears welling in my eyes. "Please, please sweetheart...hang on...for me." I begged and pleaded with her until the paramedics arrived.

Our friends followed me up to the hospital.

Once there things were even more of a blur. Doctors coming in and out, updating us. Jade's parents arrived, and soon after, Robbie, with Cat, who was in tears. I just sat in the waiting room on the floor, impatient for more news. At some point Andre came over to me.

"Hey man...can we go talk?"

I nodded, warily, and got up from the floor to follow him into an empty hall way.

"What?" I asked, a little edgy from the situation.

"I just...thought you might need a break. Man, your beating yourself up over this, I can tell. And it's not your fault."

"Whatever.." I mumbled, turning to leave, but Andre ran around me, forcing me to stop.

"Just look at yourself Man!" he insisted." I've never seen you this quiet, and it's freaking me out. I get that your'e scared, we all are, but closing down right now isn't gonna help her!"

Tori came into the hallway then, alerted by the loud voices. I could do nothing but stare at my best friend.

"You think you get it?" I asked him. I could feel my anger rising with each word. "You think you know what I'm going through? You don't! You can't understand. Without Jade I...I just...I can't lose her! She's everything to me, she's perfect. Everyone's always complaining about her and how screwed up she is, but I was the only one who ever accepted her as she was, and now look at her! She did this because of me, because I quit us, I gave up! We wouldn't be here right now if I'd just opened the door and went after her. It's what I should have done!"

Andre stayed silent through my entire rant. Tori's face had loss some color, but I was barely aware of her presence.

"I know that you guys had a lot going on." Andre breathed deeply, as if he was measuring his words. "But, how do you know this isn't survivor's guilt? I mean, this happened right after ya'lls major break, and you feel like it's your fault, and that you should have done something different to save her, but it's still the same thing man. If this hadn't have happened, you wouldn't be saying all that."

It took barely a second for the words to leave my mouth.

"Yes, I would." Now I was the one taking a deep breath. "I love her, man. I miss her and I'm sick of trying to pretend like I don't care while she's out thinking I feel nothing for her. I should have just been honest with her. Because if she doesn't pull through this..." I choked, tears of the impossible thickened my throat. Tori patted my arm.

"Don't worry, Beck. She's going to make it, Jade's a fighter."

I nodded, trying to find comfort in her words.

"Hey man, I'm sorry, alright?" Andre addressed me.

"It's fine." I answered stiffly.

Oh but it wasn't. This situation was fine...

We went back into the waiting room where the others were talking to a doctor.

He had mentioned something about blood infusions, unplentished, undernourishment. And then he said the word that confirmed what I already knew, "Suicide." Jade's mother let out a gasp, or a moan. It sounded like a combonation of the two. The doctor also informed us that a policeman was there to question us about Jade, as to get a better understanding of the situation.

I had nothing of importance to say to him, though he seemed skeptic when I told him Jade and I had broken up two days prior. After finishing with his questions, the policeman asked if anyone could take him to the places Jade had been most recently, and Tori agreed to go, along with Mr. West. They left and the rest of us had nothing to do but wait again.

After a moment, Jade's mother moved to sit next to me. I looked up at her swollen blue eyes, same as Jade's, but red from crying.

"Jade didn't tell me the two of you broke up." She said, her hands shaking. I swallowed hard.

"I'm sorry Mrs. West. It only happened two days ago. I'm sure she would have..." I trailed off, not really sure what Jade would have done.

"Yes," Mrs. West said thoughtfully, then looked into my eyes. "You were the best thing for her, Beck. I truly believe that. I know her father and I haven't exactly given her an easy life, and I will always regret that. But she was happy with you. She trusted you...please, Beck, if you know why...if she said anything..."

I shook my head. "No, Mrs. West, I'm sorry. I'm just as surprised as you. She called me from the R.V and asked me to come there. I found her like that...I didn't know either." We fell into a strained silence. Then two things happened. First, a doctor came out, declaring that Jade had made it through alright, and that the transfusions were a success. She was now in I.C.U, but we could visit her soon. My heart lifted immensly. Second, a counter nurse interupted us with a note the police department had faxed over. It had been found in my R.V and I recongized Jade's handwriting at once.

"Give it to him." Mrs. West directed, pointing at me. "I want to see my daughter."

"Of course," the doctor said, "but only one at a time."

Jade's mother looked at me again. "Go," I assured her. "I'll go in after you."

She nodded and allowed a nurse to lead her toward Jade's room.

Once she was gone, the others, being Cat, Andre, and Robbie, started talking with relief.

I ignored them easiy, sitting down to read Jade's letter. As I suspected, it was a note explaining her self-inflicted death.

To whom it may concern,

Wow, first it must be said that it kills me(ha) to begin this note with such, but considering I have no idea who it concerns to, it seemed appropriate, even if its also horribly cliche.

Oh, Jade, don't you even realize how many people care about you? I thought looking around the room.

Now to the purpose. These are things I have considered for a while...nothing was just spare of the moment, oh my god lets just go off the deep end type thing. I dont have any clinical problems, nor do I need pyschiatric help, contrary to the beliefs of others. It's just...well, my life I suppose. Parents split when I was ten, my little brother, barely two. Of course we were fed the usual lies of how it would be better now and how we were going to benefit so much from this. Ha, yeah...thanks Mom and Dad, Mom for completely emotionally losing it, forcing me to care for my brother until, finally you decided to care. About him at least. And Dad, for being the dream smashing workaholic you are. It really did us good! This lasted up until I reached fourteen, Mom talked Dad into paying for me to go to Hollywood Arts. Admittedly these were the best years of my life. It's where I met my best friend Cat Valentine, Andre Harris, and him...Beck Oliver. He had this persistance about him. Shocked, I'm sure, that I failed to fawn over him like all the other hormone infused, overlyinfatuated girls, Beck took interest in me. That wasn't exactly true. Yes I had been intrigued that Jade wanted nothing of my attenion, but that's not what drew me into her. She had this way about her, her attitude, appearence. It all screamed power, but her eyes, they gave her away. From the day we met, there was such a sadness in them. It made me want to help her, fix what was once broken.

He attempted to ask me on a few dates. Each request answered with coffee on his precious hair, or a stomp on his toe, even once a death threat.

Ha, yeah, I remembered that all too well.

But he was persistant and eventually I gave in. I didn't realize until the first date that this was probably the best and worst decision I'd ever make. He took me to a Coffee House, then out to see the new Horror flick, after presenting me with a dead rose. Thanks to this, I agreed to go out with him again. A few months of dating he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no a lot at first. I didn't want us to have a label, because labels can be taken away. I guess you could say I was very distrusting(thanks again mom and dad). But this was Beck, he eventually convinced me to try it. This I'd say, is where this little game of our started. We could never quite manage to outdo the other. He couldn't make me be his, and I could make myself deny him. The night he told me he loved me was the first night he saw me cry.

That night. It was wonderful and horrible in its scope. Jade had come to my R.V, upset by a fight with her parents. We had been officially boyfriend/girlfriend for 2 months, dating for almost 8. I had invited her in and let her rant it all out of her system. Only when she was so worn out, she collapsed on my bed, her body shaking from sobs, did I pull her to me, and whispered words of comfort in her ear. Her tears and make up ran down her face, staining my shirt. I didn't mind though, she was still absolutely beautiful to me. Besides, this meant I had gotten behind that cracked shell she always wore. And when she looked up into my eyes, I knew this wasn't some silly infatuation. It was the real thing. I loved her, and I told her so as I wiped away her tears. She seemed so surprised, but a smile played with her lips and she pulled mine down to meet them. After we came up for air, she said she loved me too, that was also the first time she stayed the night, sleeping in my arms and I had never been happier.

I didn't want to love him. I didn't want to put my heart out there for him to break later on. But I couldn't stop myself. Two wonderful years together. We got into a routine, something would make me angry, we would fight, apologize later, make up after. He would by me coffee, or make it on the mornings following the nights I stayed at his RV. And each morning after our sleepovers, I'd dedicate at least twenty minutes to cleaning the thing, given that most of it was my mess. We would go to school, sometimes together, sometimes not, and we would spend all day together. Sometimes girls looked at him and I snapped, but he always managed to assure me of his love. Then Tori Vega enrolled at Hollywood Arts. She's funny and perky, and always happy go lucky. It was gross. But it got Becks attention. I was threatened by her, and in return made extra sure that she knew who she was dealing with. But unfortunate for me, the girl had to go and make herself friends with our entire "group", after, might I add, kissing MY Beck on her second day of school. But we overcame this obstacle. And not that I think Tori and I could ever be besties,but she did manage to help Beck and I get back together once, so I suppose she isn't all bad. And eventually things settled into the same routine as always...only now I had a person to inflict suffering upon. Then things began getting worse. The fights got a bit longer and he just wasn't as into the trying part as usual. This scared me even more. I pushed for our normality, and tried to force us back to that bitter, yet passionate life we had wrapped around ourselves. Our love and anger and life, just thriving from the essence of it all. But it didn't work this time. I walked outside, I thought he'd come after me...but this time, he didn't. I guess he got tired of chasing me. All those nights together, all those fights, and make up sessions, all the I love you's, and holding me after an arguement with my parents,all of that time...they meant nothing now. Almost three years, washed away in a single night. All of it, leading to this note. You see, I fell, hard. I made Beck my very life. I did everything I swore to myself that I wouldn't and it doesn't even matter, because in the end, it wasn't enough. I lost him, and everything ended. About 5 months after Beck and I started dating, he found out I cut. He didn't like it, to say the least, and begged me to stop. And for the longest time I did.

I remembered that situation as well. Once I figured out her "bad habit" I'd made her promise not to do it again. She had agreed hesitantly, but after that, I had never noticed any more marks, just faint scars.

With him I had no reason too, but the idea was still there. Using my scissors to cut deep enough one day to end my life in a crimson flow. Just watching the blood run tempted me, but I promised Beck I'd stop. I slowly stopped thinking of suicide. Life was worth living if Beck was apart of it. But then he broke his promise. He said he'd always love me. He said he'd never leave. He lied. So is it so bad for me to break my promise to him now? I think not.

I thought she knew better. I meant what I said then as much as now. I love her, I always will. I was just tired of the fighting and thought a break would help us out.

So this is a final testement to my life. By the time it's read, I should be all bled out. The scissors are right here in my hands. I can do this, one last time, only this time, I'm not going to cut aimless lines...my body will forever hold the essence of my life. His name, carved into my skin, his name, the last thing I see in this life. It's the closest to happiness I can get now. I have it all ready. I'm sitting here in his RV, for the last time. He is out, who knows where? But I kicked in the door. I want it to happen here. In this little moving house that was more of a home to me then any other place. I want to die surrounded by his smell, his everything. I'm just about through with this last piece of the puzzle, almost time to get to work. I will call him once I am done...I'll be dying soon, so does it matter if I lose my dignity in begging him to come home, so I can see him one last time? Hear his voice once more, or at least just stare into his eyes as I take my final breath? I can last long enough for that.

I was feeling sick to my stomache then. I knew she had to be hurting, but she's a better actress than I gave her credit for. If I had only made an effort to confront her, then maybe I would have seen the pain in her eyes, like in the beginning.

I will...Well enough with the words and time for the actions. In closing, Cat: Thanks for always being a friend and cheering me up. Andre: You're gonna make something of yourself one day. You have amazing talent. Take care of Cat. Robbie: Get rid of Rex, Kay? seriously, your life will be better...and ask Cat out finally please? I know she feels the same! Tori: Well, Vega...we've had our run, but in all honesty, I envy you. Do something with your life. And make sure Beck's okay after this. He's strong, but just in case. And I wouldn't mind if anything happend with you two down the road. After me, you're probably the only person good enough to deserve him. Just make sure he's happy no matter what. And Beck: Babe, I love you more than anything in the world, more than life itself...I don't blame you for this...so don't blame yourself. Be happy, love. Go somewhere with your talent and dont let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough. Reach every dream you've always had. Move on, but please remember me. Thats all I ask. Just know that those years with you were the reason for my existance. You gave me peace during chaos. You proved to me that love can exist, that it is real and precious and should not be taken for grantite. I'm sorry for anyway I have ever hurt you. Just know I love you, forever. Goodbye.

- Jade West

Her words broke my heart. For days I thought I was suffering over our break up. I missed her more than anything in the world. I loved her, and that hadn't changed. I kept telling myself I should have just opened the door, but I was stupid and let her walk out. I guess I thought after a while we would talk it out, say our peace and be okay again. Because when it came to me and Jade, we were never really over. Even when we were over. She said it was like I quit trying, but in all honesty, I'd never tried harder than these past few weeks. It was just getting to a ridiculous point, and something had to give, but I never imagined it would all come down to this. I needed to see Jade. I had to explain to her what I felt. That I had never stopped loving her. She was everything to me that she thought I was for her. And she had even mentioned Tori in the note. It was funny that I finally got to see Jade not be flat out mean to our friends, but this was too high a cost. And all because of me, because she thought she'd lost me. I would make sure she knew, from here on out, every single thing I feel for her. No more fascades or pretending. And I would rather have her next to me now, raging up a storm, and us riled up, fighting, than in there on that hospital bed. I just hoped it wasn't too late.

I looked over at the others who were talking about going down to the cafeteria for some food.

I checked the time. We had found her around 8:30ish and it was now almost 1 a.m. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned. Mrs. West stood there, fresh tears in her eyes. "She wants to see you dear." She told me. I nodded, then hugged her before following after a nurse who led me to Jade's room. I took a deep breath before stepping inside.

It smelled like chemicals and the light was harsh, but at least Jade was there, sitting up on the bed, waiting expectantly.

I walked over to her, sitting at the foot of the bed. "Hey," I started.

"Beck, I'm sorry..." She said, looking down at her hands. I looked at them too, or more so her arms. It wasn't bleeding anyore and there were small stitches on some parts the wound where the cuts were deeper. I wanted to cry again when I realized that the slices did indeed spell out my name.

"Jade, I don't want an appology." I pulled her chin up, forcing her to meet my eyes." If anything, I owe it to you. I read your letter, I get why you wanted to do this, but it's not right Jade, and I'm not okay with it."

Her lip quivered and she cleared her throat before answering. "I know...I just couldn't do it Beck. I- I still love you. I've spent the past few days telling myself I can let you go and move on, but I realized that it wasn't going to happen that easily. I missed you, I wanted to be with you, but I wasn't going to humiliate myself further by groveling on my knees for you, just to be rejected again. I...I wanted to just be around you, but it hurt to much. There was nowhere I could go without being reminded of you...and things started feeling more and more helpless."

"Jade...you could have come to me at any time." I insisted.

"No..." she sighed. "I couldn't have Beck. You know that. I missed you so much, and I tried to be strong, but I couldn't live without you in my life, you were everything to me Beck. All my dreams and plans meant nothing without you to share them with. So I went to my last resort. It's all I knew to do to end the pain."

I grabbed her hand, causing her to flinch a little, but she didn't pull it back. "I missed you too." I assured her. "Every moment of each day. I still love you too. Everything you just told me is exactly how I feel toward you. Things got really pointless and boring after we broke up. There was no spark in my life, making it better." Tears ran down her face as I lifted her hands, kissing each one, careful not to pull the staples. "I don't want us to move on Jade, I want us to start over. Be those people we were three years ago who just loved. No bickering, no drama, just loving each other. I want you back Jade. I was stupid. A complete idiot! I never shold have let you walk away from me. And it took almost losing you for good to realize that. And I'm sorry for this. For the pain I put you through, put us through." I leaned in dangerously close to her mouth, our bodies almost completely side by side, as I had been inching closer to her.

"Beck," she whispered breathily, and that was the only invitation I needed. Leaning in, I captured her lips with my own in an heated kiss. I had missed this, I had missed her. I pulled her closer, just thinking about how close I was to losing her forever. Never again.

"Let's not do this anymore, Beck." she pleaded, leaning against my forehead. "Lets not put each other through this again."

I smiled. "No problem babe. I'm never letting you go again, ever."