Willoffire123: Happy early Palm Sunday! I'll make this quick since I have a big show tomorrow with the choir I sing in. (I have to be there by seven in the morning!)
Harry: On with the chapter!
Harry's POV
Bill continued reading. By now, quite the crowd had come to join us. This crowd included: Mr. and Mrs. Weasely, Charlie, Fleur, and Percy.
" 75.)I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.
76.)I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
77.)I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.
78.)I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father."
"That's disgusting," I complained. "I don't want him to be my father! He tried to kill me!"
"Relax Harry. We all know who your real father is," Hermione said soothingly.
"Yeah, Voldemort," muttered Fred.
"79.)Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka."
"Who?" asked Ginny.
"No idea," said Ron. "I'll read next."
Ron tried to keep reading. But burst out laughing every time he opened his mouth.
"Oh, I can't read this with a straight face! It's definitely my new favorite, but I can't read it."
"Try, Ron," coaxed Ginny.
"80.)Professor Snape's proper given name is not… Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles."
We all roared with laughter. I could see tiny lights dancing in front of my eyes, swimming with tears of mirth.
"81.) I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter."
That sobered me up. "Why are so many of these about me?"
"Because you make for a funny joke inspiration," said Ron, smirking.
"82.)Harry Potter and Ron Weasely are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin"."
That wiped the grin off of Ron's face.
"That would make me Batman, wouldn't it?" I asked, smirking at Ron. To avoid further discussion, Ron kept reading.
"83.)I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape.
84.). - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.
85.)If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.
86.) I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.
87.)I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.
88.)I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.
89.)I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times."
"No comment," I said.
"But you just did," retorted Ron.
"I'll keep reading," volunteered Charlie.
"90.)It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says All the good-looking ones die young with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.
91.)I will not yell "Hey look It's Lord Voldemort!" when in Hogsmeade
92.)I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad, bad nightmare about Harry"
"That's my new favorite," I declared, the others positively shaking with suppressed mirth
"93.)I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall
94.) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work."
95.) I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.
96.) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it.
97.) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive."
"Gryffindor, duh," said Ginny, the rest of us nodding in agreement.
"98.) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast."
"That might actually be very cool," said Hermione. "I wonder if I could get Professor McGonagall to-"
"Let's cross that bridge when we get there, dear," said Mrs. Weasely. "I'll read next."
"99.) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."
100.) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling."
"I'm starting to really hate this author," I said, my face going red at everyone's uncontrolled laughter.
"101.)I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways."
"That sounds like fun," Ginny mused. "Pity I don't know how to use a sword."
"102.) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.
103.) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself too seriously."
"He most likely already knows that he takes himself too seriously," said Ron.
"104.) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions."
"That's my favorite," declared Mr. Weasely.
"105.) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
106.) I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."
107.) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween."
"But, that was already number 102," said Ron, sounding very confused.
"Beats me," I said, shrugging. "I want to read now."
"108.) I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".
109.) I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmacy exams.
110.) Dumbledore is not Gandalf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.
111.) There is no such thing as the chamber of Double Secret Probation."
"George, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Fred, a mischievous glint in his eye.
"If it's we tell the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher that some random chamber is the chamber of Double Secret Probation, then yes, yes I am," said George.
"112.) My name is not "the Dark Lord Happy-Pants" I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
113.) Bringing fortune cookies to divination class does not count for extra credit.
114.) I will not douse Harry Potter's invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room."
"I'll have to try that myself before this guy does," I said, scowling at Ginny, who was giggling uncontrollably.
"115.) I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
116.) I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
117.) I will not give Gryffindors pixie sticks."
"Well, it depends on the Gryffindor in question," said Fred. "Us, for instance, should never be trusted with that much sugar…"
"118.) I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.
119.) A time turner is not a flux capacitator I should therefore not try to install it in a muggle car.
120.) I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine.
121.) When fighting death eaters in the annual June good vs. evil fight I will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can only be ONE".
122.) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become.
123.) It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.
124.) 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S."
"I'll keep that in mind when I take them," said Ron, sounding perfectly serious, only to receive a whack on the head by his mother.
"You most certainly will not," she said hotly.
"125.) I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
126.) No matter how good an Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
127.) I will not refer to the Defense against the Dark arts professor as Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak."
"That's the end of the list?" asked Ron.
I nodded. "Thank god it's over. I don't think I could stand life at Hogwarts if any of the ones about me happened. Wait a second. There's one more."
"What does it say?" asked Percy.
My face turned white as I read aloud.
"128.) I will break every single rule on this list as soon as I get to Hogwarts"
Willoffire123: The end! Just to let you know. I came up with none of these rules, except for number 128. Hope you thought it was funny. Voting on the poll on my profile page would make my day. Reviewing would also make my day. If you don't know whom the people mentioned in the poll are, that's okay. You can look up a picture. Or you can pick two at random.
Harry: Until next time!
Willoffire123: You stole my line again.
Harry: What are you going to do about it?
Willoffire123: Torture you some more in my Batman Beyond crossover fanfic.
Harry: Oh crap, I'd forgotten about that one.
Willoffire123: About that, now that I'm back in school. Or at least, I go back on Monday. I won't be able to post chapters as frequently as I usually do.
Willoffire123: One other long term notice, once I get out for summer vacation, I'll be going on a 2-3 month Hiatus. I really don't want to. But the sleep away camp I go to has no wifi. Sorry! (I meant I don't want to go on the Hiatus. I do want to go to camp though)
Willoffire123: That's pretty much it. Oh, wish me luck for my Palm Sunday performance! Until next time!