chapter one: Vast

*Note* *Please read this note*

Hi there, just to clear up a few questions or problems. Ketamine is a drug that when used recreationally, induces a state called 'dissociative anesthesia'. It causes hallucinations, depersonalization, derealization, and with high doses, trouble speaking and moving. People may experience new worlds, and feel out of their body. The effects last one hour, taken as intramuscular. Intravenous use of Ketamine is not advised or even used, because the onset of the drug is so quick, that the person would become unconscious before removing the needle. Dilaudid is taken orally and IV. In Spencer's case, Intravenous. Since he was tricked, he administered it IV, so lets just pretend that IV would have the same effect as IM. I have never done anything related to Ketamine or any drug, so my writing may not even resemble the truth of it. I'm only writing from research, Okayy.

He held the two little glass vials in his hand, staring at them, the clear liquid staring back at him. The one-year medallion that the man had lent him, sat across from him on the dark blue sheets of his bed. Owen Savage's face flashed in his memory, and that image wasn't really bugging him so much, as was Aaron Hotchner's voice, coming back to memory, again and again and again. Saying his name, asking him questions, telling him to catch up on that movie. He hadn't gone back to that 'movie' when they returned from the case. He had gone home, and kicked his furniture around. He had thrown books every where in pure rage, hitting the walls, the lamp on the couch's side table, the mirror in his bathroom, until his neighbor had knocked on his door, wondering what the hell had been going on. His apartment looked wrecked, like a robbery had just occurred. But there he sat, after scouring the town for someone who fit a 'drug dealer' profile - who may have even tricked him or given him something fake -, on the carpet floor of his bedroom, holding the tiny glasses. His cell phone was god knows where, and he had already held his gun at himself twice, contemplating suicide. His shirt was half way unbuttoned, and his hair was messed up from all the times he had pulled on it, or hit his head against the bed. He had tried to resist. But he couldn't.

After a few moments of dead silence, he looked back at his gun, which was at his side. He brought his head back, and hit it against the wall he was leaning on. His knees were brought up to his chest, holding his hands, and the two little bottles. He reached for the syringe to his left, and inserted the needle in the bottle, filling it up halfway. After putting the vials in his hands down at the carpet, he held out his arm, and injected himself with the substance.

A few seconds later though, was when he realized that he had not injected himself with Dilaudid. As he looked around his room, things seemed to be moving awfully slow, and there was a loud buzzing in his ears. He began to panic as he tried to stand up, but realized that he couldn't move much. His soul and body seemed separated, and he didn't feel like himself. He tilted his head back, trying to calm his breathing. Chill, Reid.

He started regretting not having called Hotch when he felt like he should. He should have wanted help. He should've kept on resisting his urges. But part of it was, he didn't want anyone to see him in that state. Every time he pictured himself in his mind, he was painfully reminded of his mother. It would make him feel even more distressed.

If he were being calm, he would hope that what he'd taken wasn't lethal. But he wasn't calm at all, and at this moment, he feared death so much. He didn't feel 'there'. He quickly thought of dissociation, as he looked towards the door of his room.

On the other side of the hallway, he could see into the bathroom, and notice the tiled floor slowly cracking. His immediate thought was earth quake, but he couldn't trust his judgement under a drug, so he observed. The tile looked like it was being lifted, and it cracked apart, a single plant growing out of the soil under the tile. A leaf grew on the green stem, and the plant started growing quickly, reaching up a few feet above the floor. Leaves started sprouting, and small flower buds were appearing. One by one, they slowly bloomed, and became bright yellow roses. The roots of this plant, were running alongside the bathroom walls, and growing more and more stems, which were flowering with different colored roses. Pretty soon, the whole bathroom was covered in green growth and bright roses.

He looked back towards his bed, where a dove appeared. This dove was white, but it's mouth was green. He asked the dove what was happening, and his voice sounded far off, like it was not his. He very slowly reached his hand towards his lips, and spoke again. His lips moved, but he didn't feel like they did. The dove roared, like a lion. Spencer's arms felt like they were burning with fire. He struggled, uncomfortable, to get up.

At that moment, he heard Hotch. Very distant and far off, Hotch's voice called him. This was followed by a distorted image of Aaron in his room, staring at him. His ears felt like they were in sloshing water. A constant 'whoosh' was heard over the other sounds. His arm was lifted off, and he reached towards Hotch, but then his arm fell back onto the carpet. Was Hotch really there?

"Ho..." he spoke, but only the first letters were pronounced.

"H.. Hoo.. Hocch" he said, putting maximum effort in his speech.

"Reid" he heard. A distant, but oh-so-real echo. Hotch's face came closer, and started getting distorted. His face seemed to be melting off his head. Spencer started breathing heavily, and his vision started becoming blurry.

"Hallu..hah.. hall.. ci.. ci.. ciiiinn.." he slurred.

"Wrr.. wrooo...wron.. d..drrruug" he continued. Hotch's mouth kept moving, but he couldn't hear the words the man was saying. The earth shook, and the room started spinning, Spencer stared off into the ceiling, as a faint image of his mother appeared.

"M..muum" he slurred. His mothers face looked calm and welcoming. Her arms reached out, and she wrapped them around him. For a moment, he felt extremely safe, and very comfortable. Her shirt smelled of cherry blossoms, and her hair smelled like orchids.

"Di.. dii... disso... disso! Disso! veh veh!" he tried communicating.

"What is it?" his mother asked, her voice being replaced by Hotch's. The room shook again, and Spencer was on the beach. It was almost night time, and the waves were coming in small, but more often. He was barefoot, and the sand under his feet was wet. He stomped his foot on the sand, and made a little hole with his heel. The wind blew at his face, reminding him of the familiar scent of salt water. He smiled, as the sun set, right on the horizon. The sky was slowly drained of its reddish color, and was replaced by a dark blue blanket. He walked along the shore, his feet occasionally getting wet. The water was cool, and it felt nice. As he started to sit down on the sand, a dog appeared, and started running towards him. The dog had long, golden, shaggy hair, and a sincere expression.

"Spencer... do you know what you took?" the dog asked. Spencer rested back on the sand, and felt the water hit his toes. He nodded his head slowly, and stared up at the starry sky. After a few seconds, he looked back towards the dog, but found himself in a completely different place. He was in the desert. The sand was now dry, and there was nothing around him, at all. He started panicking, when he didn't know where to go.

"G..get.. mmmeh .. ouut" he slurred.

"What are you on?" a woman asked, as Spencer turned around in her view. She had long black hair, reaching her hips, and she was wearing a white dress, almost resembling a wedding dress.

"K..K...Keta.." he stuttered, and reached out his hand for her. She slowly walked towards him, reaching out her hand as well. When their hands connected, he was transported back to the religous Miami case. The noise of a very loud tea kettle was ringing in his ears. Morgan appeared, with a bag full of a victims fingers. He felt nauseous, and ran away from the crime scene.

Every step he took seemed lighter and lighter. He seemed like he was looking down on his body, from the sky. He was stepping on clouds, jumping them, one by one. A bird flew by him, and started talking about 'the end'.

"Wh..what?" he questioned, and the bird flew away before he could ask another question.

"Ketamine? Reid there's an ambulance coming. I need to make sure that you're okay. This vial says Dilaudid, Reid." Hotch's voice sounded far off, in a vast room. Vast like a concert hall, or like the ocean, or like the sky. Vast, just like the universe. Then, he found himself in space. A million, billion tiny stars stared back at him. An eternal loneliness. Earth stood, alone. His body, suspended in nothing, flowing with the emptiness around him.