DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING FROM GLEE OR CP COULTER'S DALTON. THEY BELONG TO THEIR CREATORS. I JUST BORROWED THEM TO ACT OUT MY STORY.

"David! Oh my God, help!" Wes screamed barrelling down the corridor of Windsor house and into his best friends room.

"What in the name of Grilled Cheesus is going on out here?" Kurt yelled his countertenor voice echoing through the previously silent building. A rare occurrence considering the house's occupants. "You're interrupting my moisturizing routine!"

Reed poked his head out of the dorm room and made a shushing gesture at Wes. "He hasn't had his coffee yet," the small boy whisper yelled before ducking back inside nearly banging his head on the doorframe in the process.

"What the hell man? It's like six in the morning. What could be so important that you couldn't wait until I'm properly awake to tell me?" David demanded groggily lifting his head from the pillow to look at a dishevelled Wes standing in his duck pyjamas panting in the doorway.

"Gavin's missing. I suspect it was spies from a rival glee club. They know that we can't possibly win Sectionals without him around to enforce the Warbler rules. We must alert the authorities immediately. I have to go call my father to get some of the Mafia on this immediately and-."

"Wait, what?" Kurt asked walking in and cutting Wes off midsentence. "Firstly, who's Gavin? Second, how did the Mafia get involved?"

"Gavin is the name Wes gave his gavel," Blaine said following Kurt into the room. "I just asked everyone and all I could find was this." He produced a slip of paper with the Dalton and Windsor crests on it. "Dwight thinks it might be a ransom note."

"You can't be serious," Kurt groaned sitting down on David's bed while Wes paced the around the room. "Just read the thing and get it over with."

"It says," David scanned the note over Blaine's shoulder as the soloist began to read. "Be in the Senior Commons by seven to receive further instructions. If you don't come the gavel gets it."

"No!" Wes howled, "not Gavin! He can't be firewood. He just can't. He has so much to live for!" He clutched David for dear life as he sobbed. "He's too young to die."

"Don't worry," David said soothingly. "We'll get your gavel back. Kurt and Blaine will help us look." He shot a pleading look at the two other Warblers in the room.

"You…you will?" Wes resembled a small child as he wiped at his tears and looked at his friends with wide pleading eyes.

"Of course we will," Blaine said patting his friends arm.

"Good, now the first thing we have to do is dust my room for fingerprints," Wes said going from lost child to Warbler Council leader in seconds. "Then we-"

"Wes," David interrupted. "Relax. No need to go all CIA. Let's just look around the school and see if we can find it. Maybe someone will know what happened."

"Oh no. I am not running around Dalton looking for a hammer," Kurt said standing up and walking to the door. "Have fun with your little scavenger hunt. I have a moisturizing routine to finish."

"Please Kurt, for me," Blaine pleaded using his best puppy dog face and grabbing his boyfriends shoulder as he walked past.

"Nope, no way. Just because you pull out your puppy dog eyes does not mean that I'll melt and do whatever you want," Kurt says shaking Blaine's hand off of him.

"How about this," Wes said. "You either help us find Gavin or I burn every single piece of Marc Jacobs that you own."

"I'm in," Kurt said walking backwards into the room and plopping down on the bed again.

"We're coming Gavin!" Wes yelled as he ran out into the corridor with Blaine, David and Kurt trailing behind him.

"Come on, this is the only place we haven't checked yet," David said walking towards the Senior Commons. "Most of the school is pissed at us for waking them up on a Saturday so we can't go back onto the main campus for a while. Let's just hope that we find a lead in here or we'll have to wait for hours or risk getting chased out by angry, sleep deprived students."

"Gavin was here," Wes said freezing in place and looking around like he was possessed. "I can sense it, guys."

"How? Mother's intuition or something?" Kurt asked leaning against the wall.

"Both of you shut up," David said. "I think I hear something." Blaine pushed open the heavy double doors and they filed in silently crouched down like ninjas.

"Wevid. Klaine. So glad you could make it," a voice echoed through the empty room and all the boys heads snapped up at the same time.

"Nick? Is that you?" Wes called. "Did you take Gavin?" he demanded spinning around to search for the boy who owned the voice.

"No Wesley," Jeff said striding into the room and closing the door behind him with a bang. "We aren't the masterminds behind this."

"Then who is?" Kurt asked swinging his head to look at both of them.

"To find out more you must journey to Alice's home," Nick began.

"And see the Diva Queens of old," Jeff said in a creepily deep voice.

"Then they will point you in the direction of your precious gavel," Nick continued where Jeff stopped.

"But beware," Jeff intoned.

"Your quest will lead you to dangerous places," Nick said

"Trust no one." They said the last line in perfect unison then the lights flickered and they were gone without a trace.

"Okay, what just happened?" Blaine asked.

"Why were they completing each other's sentences?" David questioned searching the room for the two creepy boys who were just standing in front of them.

"I knew it!" Kurt yelled triumphantly. "There's no way those two are just friends. They are so secretly dating. I can't wait to tell Reed that he owes me ten bucks."

"More importantly," Wes said looking distraught, "what did they mean?" He was nearly shrieking by the time he finished his sentence.

"Well it's kinda obvious," David said. "Kurt is Alice and he's from Lima so we have to go there first but I'm not sure about the rest."

"The Diva Queens would be Mercedes and Rachel," Kurt said. "Other than me they are the best divas in Ohio."

"Road trip!" Wes yelled pumping his fist in the air. "I get to drive."

"That was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced," Blaine said as he fell out of the car. "Wes is never allowed to drive again." They were all standing in the McKinley High parking lot recovering from the mini heart attacks that Wes caused.

"It's a good thing New Directions decided to have a practice today," Kurt said. "I have no idea why they're having it but it's lucky for us."

"Boo!" a blond girl yells and tackles Kurt to the ground then attacks him with kisses. "I missed my dolphin."

"I missed you too, boo," Kurt coos and kisses her right back.

"What the hell is going on here?" Wes hissed to Blaine and David.

"I thought only Blaine was allowed to kiss Kurt," David said.

"Kurtsie your hands are still so soft," the girl says pulling Kurt up. She was wearing a cheerleader uniform and her hair was in a ponytail. When she spotted the three boys she leaned in close to Kurt and tried to whisper, "Are they dolphins like you?"

"No Brit," he said. "It's only Blaine but we're not sure about those two." He pointed at Wes and David, "They seem like more than friends to me."

She nodded her understanding and looked at them like she knew a secret they didn't. "Blaine is you're dolphin, isn't he?" Kurt smiled one of his special smiles that actually showed teeth and nodded. She marched right up to Blaine and said, "You're Kurt's dolphin so you have to be nice to him. If you aren't then all the sharks will find out and come get you," she explained slowly like she was talking to a small child. "And just 'cause Kurt's a dolphin doesn't mean that his teeth aren't sharp enough to hurt you so be careful. If you're nice like he says you are then I won't have to send Lord Tubbington to claw your eyes out."

"Um…I promise I'll be nice," Blaine said uncertainty looking to Kurt for help but his boyfriend was too busy laughing with the rest of New Directions who had heard what just happened.

"Blaine, I believe I speak for all of us when I say that I agree with Brittany," a brunette he recognized as their lead singer said.

"Basically if you hurt him I'll cut you," Mercedes said and everyone else nodded. All the Warblers have met her from the many times Kurt had sleepovers in his room.

"So, I'm psyched you're here and everything but I thought you were staying at Dalton this weekend," Finn said.

"We're looking for my gavel," Wes said without a trace of embarrassment in his voice.

"Why are you looking for gravel?" Brittany asked looking around in confusion to see if anyone could explain.

"Coach Sylvester has it," Mercedes said.

"What?" Kurt asked frowning. "Are you sure it's her? She has absolutely no need for it. Everyone's so scared of her that she already has total control."

"We don't know why," the tiny brunette said. "She told Mercedes and I to direct anyone looking for a gavel to the gym."

"Sorry that's all we know," Mercedes said.

"Thanks Rachel," Kurt said. "I'll talk to you later and explain this whole mess Cedes. Bye guys, we'll all catch up later. We have to find Coach." Kurt began walking off towards the largest building which was probably the gym.

"Who's Coach Sylvester?" Wes asked.

"She's my insane cheerleading coach who happens to own my soul so I don't know why she'd go through all this trouble if she wants to lure me here," Kurt said. "It must be one of you she wants. Stay quiet and let me do all the talking. She likes me." He pushed open the gym door and slipped inside. The other Warblers exchanged nervous glances before following him.

"Porcelain," someone barked causing all the boys except Kurt to jump at least three feet straight up into the air. There were two lines of girls dressed in red and white uniforms standing at attention in the middle of the room. Brittany had somehow managed to get there before them and gave them a little wave before returning to her stance. "I see you brought the others from gay Hogwarts. Tell me have those Garglers given you more solos than that idiot Schuster did?"

"No Coach," Kurt said. "No solos but I'll keep trying."

"They have to be deafer than William then," she said from her place on the stage in front of her miniature army of cheerleaders. "Or just plain stupid."

"Ma'am, we're called the Warblers," Wes said ignoring Kurt's furious attempts to shush him, "and we didn't give him a solo because-"

"Don't correct me!" she roared. "and no excuses either." She turned her attention back to Kurt. "Now Brittany tells me that you got yourself a man. That true?"

"That's him," Kurt pointed to Blaine and all eyes were suddenly trained on him. The cheerleaders shot daggers at him with their eyes and Coach looked like a lion examining her prey before she pounced. "His name's Blaine."

"Listen up Frodo," she said. "You had better be good to my sweet, little Porcelain. He's the only Cheerio other than Becky who hasn't been a disappointment to me in any way, shape or form. If you hurt him in any way and I find out, which I will, then you had better run for the Shire because I will be hunting you down. After I catch you I will shave that menace off your head and then remove your oddly triangular eyebrows from your little hobbit face. Then I shall cut you open and feed your guts to my pet sharks and mount your head on my office wall and dispose of your body in a ditch where no one will ever find it. Understand?"

"Yes sir. I mean ma'am. Yes ma'am!" Blaine stuttered out looking thoroughly terrified and shifting around looking for some way out of this.

"Good," she said nodding. "I expect all of you to take good care of him. That is all. You'll find that hammer you were hunting for in my office. Now get out of my sight and take your identical friends with you. They give me a headache." Suddenly, Evan and Ethan popped up behind Wes and David grinning and clutching Wes' gavel between them.

"Hi guys. She said that if we lured you all here then we'd get to watch the talking flowers dance," Evan said.

"It was really fun," Ethan said. "Did you have fun too?" They all stared incredulously at the twins who just smiled back at them.

"All of you, out now!" Coach yelled. "I expect to see you at practice, Porcelain." They all ran out of the gym as fast as they could with Kurt walking calmly behind.

"Bye Coach," he yelled. "See you later girls." Blaine tugged on his arm sharply and yanked him out of the gym. Wes was clutching his gavel to his chest and talking to it quietly while David and the Tweedles watched.

Once they were all safely back in the car with Blaine driving Kurt turned to glare at the boys squished in the backseat. "I am never helping you all with anything ever again," he said. "Next time you can find the damn gavel on your own."

One week later:

"No!" Wes screamed. "Gavin is missing. Quick call the police, marines, army-"

"Shut it Wes. I am not helping you again," Kurt said covering his head with a pillow and burrowing deeper under the covers.

"I'll burn your scarves."

"Let's go," Kurt leapt out of bed and dragged Wes out of his room and away from his wardrope.