OK ... i know I said I`m putting the story on hold, but here is one more chapter. For the good old times LOL

I hate you

It`s been eight days now and most children begin to show clear signs of starvation. Some of the weaker ones hardly stay conscious, let alone play or even talk a lot. Those of us who hadn`t passed to a gloomy state of mind are getting fewer and fewer. One of the little girls is ill and we cannot do anything but watch her slowly die. For there is no escape.

A few fifth graders tried to get out the very first night, frightened and hungry. But that state of theirs didn`t provoke the Peacekeepers mercy. All of them were brutally beaten to death, their cold corpses left at the entrance as a warning to other children. Today I noticed the hungry looks some of the older ones shoot the bodies. Eating the remains of your classmates, apparently, is better than dying.

The Capitol`s ultimatum was pretty clear. Your children stay locked in the school, without food as long as you keep fighting. It is probably the most disgusting thing I`ve ever heard of. Our parents, however, wouldn`t succumb to the temptation of freeing us. In fact, they probably think of us as dead, sacrificed for the greater good. Probably the future generations will call us heroes.

But having seen a 5 year-old girl dying from starvation and her older brothers licking their chops for a corpse, there is exactly one thing I know.

We are no heroes.

`Johnny …` whispers Cassandra and dissolves in tears `Where are you, my little boy?`

`It`s better this way.` a slight shiver goes down my neck as I hear dad talking like that `One less child to feed`

`How could say that?` Cassandra's voice goes up dramatically. `He was your son, you loved him, I know that.`

Father slightly twists his feet, as if struggling to keep his balance. A tired look crosses his otherwise unreadable face. He looks like a troubled teenager now, rather than a serious old man.

`Just … Let`s try to forget him. We still have Leeroy, we have each other `

`Leeroy didn`t even manage to save my little Johnny ` her lips start trembling `He is not my child, he has never been …` She turns to the bed, where I lay, supposedly asleep `Did you hear that? Did you? You are not my son. You have never been, you never will. And if I am letting you live here it`s only because I love your father.`

Dad is by her side now, holding her so tightly that I`m unable to understand weather he`s trying to protect me or her. His words of soothe and wisdom come out calmly, but I can see the pain in his eyes.

`That`s enough, that`s enough …`

`Did you even try to find food for him when you were in there? Or you just saved yourself. He wasn`t your real brother, so he didn`t deserve help, right?` She`s in hysterics, unable to control herself. Still I cannot forgive her.

`I starved so that he could eat the few biscuits we found. I took care of him while the other children were thinking of eating each other. And I ` I take a deep breath as the memory of Johnny`s death comes to me `I held his hand until he finally died.`

With this I`m gone, rushing out in the rain. It`s pelting down, but I don`t really care. Staying outside is better than hearing Cassandra`s desperate howls and curses. Ever since she married dad she has hated me and I know that perfectly well. But Johnny, he was different. He never seemed to pay any attention to his mother`s hatred towards me. Johnny loved me from the day he was born. His first word wasn`t Mom, but Lee. My name. He was like a real brother to me, though Cassandra never accepted that. And now that he is dead, she blames me.

I don't care. She can hate me if she wants. I don`t care… I`m trying hardly to convince myself. She can blame me …

No, actually she can`t.

`Leeroy Vaugh` the Capitol women had said it in such a tiny, ridiculous voice that I didn`t got scared. In fact, I almost laughed at her accent and made my way to the stage with a twisted smirk playing on my lips. I knew I was wrong to underestimate the situation, but no worry managed to cross my mind. It was only the funny way my name was pronounced jingling in there.

It`s also all that stays as I shake the girl`s hand, as I enter the room when I`m supposed to say my goodbyes, as the door flies open … And then, all of a sudden, it stops. It is not father or some friend of mine or even Carat (I suppose she really thinks our relationship is over) . It`s Cassandra.

Her unbelievably huge brownish eyes are red, as if she has been crying and that long, curly hair of hers looks incredibly messy. I didn`t expect her to come. And even if I have expected her I would have never imagined her to look that way. She should be happy that I might die, right?

`What do you want?` I say in the harshest tone I can.

`I came to appologise. For last night I mean. I don`t really believe you hadn`t helped him, but without Johnny my world seems to be destroyed and …` a lonely tear rolls down her face ` And I never accepted that he loved you more than me. It was hell, Leeroy, you can`t imagine how it feels to know that your child doesn`t like you. `

`He loved you.` I say, amazed that she dares to share all this with me.

`And I love you. Not like a son, I love you like a man.` she sobs silently `Don`t look at me like that, I`m not so old. I was 16 when I married your father, you know that. My parents made me, because he was a baker and quite well off. Your mother had just died, he fancied me … But then the fire at the bakery and mom`s disease. And then father died and we moved into our house. And then Johnny … ` Her eyes look just as big as her crazy smile `But I`ve loved you since the day that I saw you. I`m twenty-one, Lee, three years older then you. And when I saw you, you looked older. So strong and nice … I thought pretending to hate you would stop my feelingsq but it didn`t.` She stops suddenly and dead silence falls between us.

`Say something, please.` Cassandra begs, but I do not intend to speak `Forgive me then, at least forgive me.` She thinks for a while and adds `Would you kiss me? Would you, just once, let me imagine that you loved me back? I love you. `

Her face slowly comes closer and I see the sadness in her eyes. I almost feel the taste of her lips on mine. But instead I slap her trough the face and shove her away from me.

`I hate you.` I shout and watch her leave, probably to never see her again.