Warnings/Disclaimer: I do not own Shirosaki who belongs to Bleach. Warnings include Shiro's potty mouth (aka bad language), a hinted AU, and just sheer CRACK. Warning: Pointless.

xD my friend, southernsorceress, and I just had a conversation about our combined hatred of essays in college, and were talking about how we added "fluff" to our essays to meet length requirements. I joked about an essay that involves picking up a fork, and then the idea amused us so much that I promised her a fanfic of a character writing such an essay, so here it is! xD

~x~

Shiro writes an essay

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"How th'flippin' fuck am I supposed ta write a three page essay on how ta pick uppa fork?" Shirosaki hissed unhappily, slapping his hands on his laptop keyboard (though obviously restraining himself from full force- how else was he supposed to continue playing Sims3?)

"Fuckin' dimwit teacher." The albino continued to grumble, leaning his cheek into one palm, no less annoyed but much more passive about the unreasonable assignment now that he'd released a little bit of aggression. It was still stupid as all hell, but then again, college had made Shirosaki become a master fluffer. Because if you don't know what fluffing an essay means, then you haven't done it before.

"Alrighty then~ let the bullshitting begin." Shirosaki pretended to crack his knuckles (no premature arthritis for him, thank you very much) and poised his fingers in position.

Firstly, distinguish the utensil of choice. We shall choose a fork for this explanation. Secondly, to describe the fork. A fork is an average of several inches long and broadens towards one end, separating into usually four individual tines that can cause damage if enough force is put behind it. However, forks are used for eating, not violence.

Shirosaki snorted to himself before continuing.

Thirdly, distinguish what the material the fork is constructed from. If it is a clear or white color (or of any solid color not reflective), then chances are high that your chosen fork is plastic. If it is the color of silver, steel, or iron, chances are high that your chosen fork is metal. This is important to distinguish because which material the fork is constructed from can help you decide the amount of force to use whilst picking up the fork. With a plastic fork, one can use a marginally tighter grasp on the utensil than one would on a metal fork, which could hurt an individual worse.

Now to pick up the fork. If you are an average human being, with no ailments, then simply think to move your arm. The muscles in your arm should contract and begin to move. If not, then you may have to apply more conscious effort. Moved your arm yet? You have? Congratulations, you're already on your way to picking up a fork.

Once your arm has been lifted, extend your fingers (also known as your phalanges), which involves further muscle contractions. If you have trouble with these movements, seek your local physician immediately. Direct your arm so that your fingers come within reach of the fork in question. Lower your hand onto the handle part of the utensil. Curl your phalanges inwards consciously. Caution: if the fork is of a thinner type mold, one may have to use their fingernails to get a grip underneath the fork in order to lift it. However, most have an average thickness that the pads of your fingertips should be able to easily pick up without the nails having to be used.

Do you have a grip on the edges of the fork yet? Good! Now, quickly as you can, slip your fingers under the edges of the fork you just gripped, so that your phalanges are now curled around the handle. But don't lift yet! Your fingers are not contracted yet and you could drop the fork! In order not to do so, contract your fingers. They should tighten in a smaller circle around the fork and hence grip the handle. You are now ready to lift the fork.

Direct your conscious thought to the muscles in your arm, and think upwards movement. Your arm should move upwards upon command, muscles further contracting. If you experience any pain, please seek immediate medical attention. In short moments, your arm should have lifted, and with it, your hand also and hence also the fork.

Congratulations! You have lifted your first fork! Now you are ready to move onto how to use the fork. But that is not this essay you ignorant fuck, so go find another essay that will teach you how to stab that fork in your goddamned eye and put your stupid ass out of its own fucking misery. Jesus fuck.

Shirosaki smirked to himself, before selecting the last two sentences he had typed and deleting them. He didn't think the teacher would much appreciate the sentiment. Instead he concluded simply.

Congratulations! You have lifted your first fork!