Summary: "Y'know, sometimes I wonder. If my sweatshirt had been just a lil' more fireproof, could I have gone in and saved that girl?" Tag to 9x21 "Rekindled": The conversation between Tony and Ziva as they went to pick up Mary Gardocki (the creepy woman who sold explosives ... legally).

Disclaimer: Never in a million years could I have broken Tony's heart so, with such a past and such a story, and that makes it very obvious I don't own NCIS :(

Spoilers: Major 9x21 "Rekindled" (although I've probably already spoilt you with Summary); 8x23 "Swan Song," and the episode where we learn about what happened to Shannon and Kelly :/

Look, look, it's my contribution to the tags to this week's episode! Yea, I know. There's probably already a plethora of fics like this out there. But I just wanted to write some angst ... again. I'm fantastic that way :D

This is one of those, I think, that is close Tiva friendship fueled by a bit of lurrrve. And therefore, it is not exactly a shipper fic. Just so you know :D

-Soph

Help

"Y'know, you shoulda let me drive." His words cut into the silence inside the car as Ziva swung onto the highway, and he didn't need her ninja Spidey senses to know that she was staring holes into his head at that moment. "Watch the road."

"I am watching the road."

"No, you're watching my head. And I'm tellin' ya, my hair's nice an' all, but it's no GPS." He heard her frustrated sigh. "Just say it."

"You do not have to joke around me."

"Wow, that's new." He turned around to meet her eyes. She'd returned her gaze to the road by now, though. Disappointed, he stared out through the windshield at the long black expanse ahead of them. "Thought you were gonna tell me that I wasn't okay or that you were worried about me."

"Yes, well, I would tell you both of that if I thought it wouldn't annoy you."

"Nawww. And what makes you think what you just said doesn't annoy me?"

She shrugged and bit down on her lip, a movement that Tony was sure she didn't think he noticed. "I needed to say something."

"You don't have to say anything."

"No, you are not hearing me," she replied softly. "I don't have to say anything. But…" She glanced at him, a sad smile on her face, "You are not okay, and I am worried."

"Hah, you said it in the end," he pointed out, but the glee died halfway up his throat. He slumped back into his seat, feeling so, so tired all of a sudden. Maybe it was a good thing that she hadn't let him drive, after all. "I hear her screams sometimes."

Ziva's breath caught in her throat.

"I mean, what's it been?" he continued, ignoring the sound. "Almost twenty years? Yeah … she would've been twenty-three, twenty-four by now. Maybe gotten her degree, started on a new job, breaking men's hearts all over the place…"

"It was not your fault."

"Oh, I know." He lowered his head, closing his eyes. DiNozzo men never cried. "Yeah, I know. By the time I got Jason out, the whole house was collapsing … y'know, sometimes I wonder. If my sweatshirt had been just a lil' more fireproof, could I have gone in and saved that girl?"

Ziva's fists were clenched tightly on the steering wheel, and Tony watched as she unconsciously frowned. He thought the gears in her head were probably turning furiously as she tried to come up with an appropriate response.

"Yes," she answered eventually, and his heart dropped into his stomach because it sounded like she blamed him for not having been able to do more, too. "But it wasn't."

"Yeah. Brilliant observation." The sarcastic words tasted like sand and felt like heartbreak. But hey, he was the one hurting here.

Her eyes, filled with what seemed like surprise, blinked at him once. He muttered an apology and returned to his occupation of staring out the passenger side window.

xoxo

He didn't know how long they'd been on the highway, but it startled him when she suddenly turned right and pulled into a somewhat dingy rest stop without cutting the engine.

"Pee break?" he asked, not looking around, and she didn't answer. Maybe she was mad at him, too. He heard the click of her seat belt being unfastened. And then he jumped when his was unfastened, and had to flail a bit to avoid being painfully hit by the retracting belt.

But nothing could've prepared him for the fact that before he could even turn back to glare at her, her soft, warm arms were suddenly around his torso.

Nothing.

Shocked into stillness, he sat staring down at her head. He knew he had to say something, but he didn't know what. A DiNozzo joke, probably. Something dirrty (with two Rs); something that would make her roll her eyes in disgust and sit up properly so that they could return to normal. Except that they hadn't been that kind of Normal in months, if not years, and … he didn't really want her to let go.

So he tentatively laid a hand on her back. "Um…" he began to say, but his voice came out kind of soft and scratchy. Numbly, he cleared his throat and tried again. "Ziva … isn't this … isn't the way you're sitting uncomfortable?"

She shifted in her seat. "A bit," she admitted, her voice slightly muted by his suit.

"Then … I mean, don't get me wrong. This is nice an' all, but why…?"

She finally loosened her grip and pulled back to look at him. "I owed you for Mike Franks."

So that's all it was. "You know I never would've collected from you."

She gave him the tiniest of smiles, but it was really the hand on the side of his neck, her thumb brushing lightly across his jaw twice, that caught his attention. "I know."

He breathed out slowly. "Is it because of Mike Franks?"

"Only if you want to think that."

"What do you think?"

"I think that you looked like you needed a hug, and I wanted to give you one."

He blinked at her unexpected honesty. Wow. "Are we sure you're not hitting on me?"

She snorted at that and rolled her eyes. "Well, if I were, I clearly need to work on my charm."

He chuckled for the first time that night. Breathing in deeply, he pulled her hand from his neck to hold it in his own. "Thanks."

She removed her arm from behind his back and twisted in her seat again, but let him hold her hand. "Of course."

"D'you think it ever goes away?"

She paused. "I wish I could say 'Yes.'"

He met her eyes; she shrugged and looked away. "I have a dark past."

"How … how do you not get bogged down by guilt?"

"I do, sometimes." The smile she offered him this time was brittle. "Sometimes it comes and takes my breath away. But … I … try not to think about my past. I have a tendency to run away from it, where you have a tendency to never leave yours behind."

"Huh. That makes us sound very messed up."

"That, we are."

He listened to the faint sound of the car engine running. "Togetherness in suffering."

She squeezed his hand lightly in response.

"Ziva?"

"Mmm?"

"D'you think that's how Gibbs feels? Losing a … child."

"I don't know." Her brilliant, beautiful eyes searched his. "Is that how you feel?"

"I guess … not. I don't know. I mean, I guess nothing really compares to losing a biological child. But I heard her screams and…" He struggled to breathe, trying to get rid of the heaviness in his chest. "She was four. She probably didn't know that many words, and yet one of the words she did know was 'Help.' And I … I'm just … damn lucky I haven't lost another child, on or off the job, because Jason or not … I don't think I could've survived that again."

A sharp twinge in his hand brought him out of his nightmares and made him look down, and he found that Ziva was clutching onto him in an iron grip. Her eyes were teary again; sad, and so full of pain that he almost lost track for a moment of whose grief was deeper. He opened his mouth to ask her what was wrong, but she beat him to the punch, her words so soft and full of compassion as they slipped past her lips.

"Oh, Tony. It was not your fault."

And the dam broke, after all.

xoxo

"Y'know, Gibbs is gonna kill us for taking so long." His words cut into the silence of the car again, and a faint smile curled the corners of her lips.

"That's why I'm driving."

Ziva had finally pulled out of the rest stop after he had managed to get his emotions back under control, and they were now flying down the highway towards Maryland. He grumbled and tightened his grip on the door's hand-rest as she swerved past a car going at legal highway speed.

"Hmph. Then you might kill us."

She rolled her eyes again. "Perhaps you should bother yourself with looking presentable enough to bring a suspect in for questioning."

"Are you saying this isn't a good look for me?"

She looked away from the road for a millisecond to eye him up and down. "Not bad. But perhaps not quite the tough cop."

He puffed out his chest, about to retort, but she interrupted with, "Yes. That looks more like you."

That made him smile and shake his head. "Hey … Zi?" he enquired hesitantly.

"Yes, Tony?"

"So, now that you've used up your 'Mike Franks' card … do you have … anymore?"

Her gentle laugh came out as a hum. "Yes. One."

"What would that one be?"

"The 'I'm Going to Owe Tony for This' one."

He breathed out, hoping that she knew that this was him, trying to tell her that sometimes … he just needed her support. "Fancy. I like it."

"I thought you might. You have always been generous with recyclable gifts that have no strings attached."

He chuckled, overwhelming relief bringing a lump to his throat. He swallowed his tears. "Technically, I'm not big on recyclable gifts, but I'll let this one slide."

She giggled.

"Thanks, though," he added, suddenly feeling horribly open and vulnerable.

But she only nodded and reached out, finding his hand and giving it another gentle squeeze that lasted a moment longer than necessary. "Always."

A/N: And that's it! I hope you all enjoyed reading it :)

One thing, though: A friend and I recently started up a petition to see more Somalia on NCIS. I realize neither petitions nor this particular topic are to everyone's taste, but if they are to your taste, please lend us some support by reading and signing! www(dot)ipetitions(dot)com/petition/more-somalia-on-ncis

If they are not, never mind. Thank you for your time :)

And thank you for reading! Please leave a review on your way out!

-Soph