A Bazillion Ways Peeta Could Have (and Should Have) Died

Disclaimer: We don't own Peeta or his darkish tendencies. That bucket of weirdness belongs to Suzanne Collins. We're just having fun…

One

"Come on up!" Effie called cheerfully, gesturing towards the stage. The rest of the district watched silently as Peeta Mellark approached, a look of shock and confusion plastered across his face.

All except for Katniss Everdeen, that is.

"You son of a banana!" she screeched, and launched herself off of the elevated platform and straight onto him.
"What the-" Peeta started to yelp, but was interrupted when Katniss' fist was jammed into his mouth, knocking half of his teeth out.

"Oh, you know what you did!" Katniss continued to pound him to a pulp as she yelled at him, and he sank to his knees. The closest people in the crown started edging away, and a few tried to alert the nearby Peacekeepers to the disturbance. The Peacekeepers, however, were too busy examining their blindingly white uniforms for specks of dirt and stains to notice what was going on.

"What?" Peeta mumbled through a mouthful of blood. "What did I do?"

"You threw nasty burnt bread at me!" she yelled, a murderous look in her eyes. "And I'm not the type to forget that sort of thing!" Running over to the knot of busy Peacekeepers, she quickly snatched one of their guns out of its holster and turned back to Peeta.

"No, wait-" Peeta was unable to finish his sentence, however, as Katniss had already shot him directly in the philtrum.

'That's what you get, you poo-head," she spat, giving his beat-up body one last kick. There was a long period of silence, until Effie cleared her throat and pasted a large grin onto her powdered face.

"So," she said brightly, "are there any volunteers?"

Two

The mob of television reporters clustered around the train tracks was much smaller than those of the other districts, but they still made it difficult for Katniss to get to the train. But even they were not her real problem.

"Peeta!" she called, irritated. "Hurry up!"

"I'm coming Katy-poo!" Peeta yelled cheerfully. "I've just got to get my stuff!" He yanked on the handle of his enormous suitcase and stumbled when it refused to budge.

"Peeta!" Katniss was exasperated. "Why are you bringing all of that crap with you?"

"We're going on vacation!" Peeta replied brightly, giving his immovable luggage another futile tug. "I want to bring my favorite hat and by beach towel and my blankie!"

"We're not going on vacation!" Katniss smacked her palm into her face. "We're going to the Hunger Games! To DIE!" She then considered fully what he had said. "Wait, you have a blankie?"
"No!" Peeta hollered, suddenly defensive.

"Uh-huh," Katniss said skeptically.

"I don't! I don't! You can't prove anything!" Peeta let go of his suitcase's handle, bent over to unzip it, and rose back up with a worn and tattered blankie in hand. "You'll never take this from me!" Peeta ran away as fast as his stubby little legs would carry him while Katniss shook her head hopelessly.

Hearing a low whistle, the girl suddenly looked up. "Peeta! Look out!" she yelled, waving her arms. Peeta paid her no heed and continued to zoom away. "Peeta!"

The psychotic boy finally ground to a halt. Jumping up onto the single rail of the train tracks to make himself look taller, he held the blankie triumphantly in his hands. "YOU WILL NEVER TAKE MY BLANKIE!"

Just then, the train rocketed into the station at two hundred mile per hour and ground him into applesauce.

Sighing in annoyance, the conductor turned on the windshield wipers as Katniss climbed aboard.