Eighteen

Authors' Note: Wow! Last Chapter! You guys have really been great – we've loved every review we've received. We're sorry that we couldn't use every death idea you sent to us, but we appreciate them, too. WE aren't entirely sure whether or not we'll do a sequel – we might to "A Bazillion Ways To Die At Hogwarts" instead. But either way we go, we've been happy to have you guys along for the wild and wacky ride that was this story. May the odds be ever in you favor!

-Valjavertjinn and Wjiaei

"I'm tired, Katniss!" Peeta complained. "And I'm hungry! And thirsty!"

"Peeta, shut up!" Katniss commanded him, not even bothering to turn around. She kept her gaze focused on the forest ahead, which would hopefully soon give way to the flat area that stretched to the lake's shore. She was ready to face Cato, once and for all…

"And I'm booooooooored!" Peeta wailed.

…And hopefully let Peeta get taken out in the process.

"Look, we're here," she told him impatiently, and he immediately let out a huge sigh of relief.

"Phew! That was one long and pointless hike that I'll never forget!" he informed her, and flopped to the ground, closing his eyes. In a few minutes he was sound asleep and snoring.

But Katniss knew that she could not do the same. She glanced warily at the horizon, where the sun was setting in a fantastic display of purple and orange hues, and saw no sign of Cato. She continued to sweep over the steadily-darkening landscape with her eyes, searching for the large Career.

"Pretty pony!" Peeta murmured in his sleep, startling her. She turned to stare at him, bemused. "I want to pet the pretty sparkly pony!"

Katniss shook her head in amazement at his dorkiness and then went back to keeping watch.

"I WANT THE PRETTY PINK PONY NOW!" Peeta shrieked suddenly, and bolted straight upright. His eyes were still closed.

Katniss was starting to get worried. Peeta had gotten to his feet and was stroking the empty air in front of him gently. "Nice, nice pony," he crooned.

A twig snapped in the woods, and Katniss spun quickly around to see what it was. She could now hear more sounds from that area – she knew that something was rusting around in there, and coming even closer.

Cato burst out form the trees, running straight toward them flat out. Katniss drew her bow and fired as fast as a Whedonite running into the theaters to see The Avengers, but Peeta, still moving around in his sleep, knocked into her bow, disrupting her aim.

So instead of hitting him in the heart, like she had planned, she hit him directly in the eyeball.

"OW!" he screamed, and fell over. "You shot me in the froggin' EYE! Who does that?"

Behind him, another form burst from the trees – one of his backup dancers. As Katniss watched, a huge wolf (one that wore a designer hot-pink collar) emerged right on her heels and messily devoured her.

Oops.

Katniss grinned, and then glanced at Cato, who was doing the weird death-rattle thingie. She thought about recording it to be her cell phone ringtone, but then she looked at the mascara-wearing wolf. It was gaining.

"Come on, Peeta!" she yelled desperately, turning and shaking the tribute. He opened a bleary eye.

"Katy-poo, I need my beauty sleep!" he said reproachfully, and then was zonked out again.

Panicked, Katniss grabbed his arm and dragged him across the open grass. When that was too slow, she hefted him up onto her shoulders and carried him to the Cornucopia that way. He snored irritatingly the whole time.

Before she could reach it, however, a cannon fired. She looked back to see the stylish wolf roll her eyes and pop a hip (as well as a canine could, at least) before being sucked into a hole in the ground.

A loud trumpet call pierced the silence that had followed, and Peeta suddenly sat up again.

"That was a great nap!" he proclaimed as the announcer began to speak.

"Attention, everyone! We've decided to change the rules about two people being able to live and stuff, since nobody likes Peeta. Over and out!"

Peeta chuckled as the echoes of the loudspeakers faded away. "That announcer guy is so silly!" He slapped his knee mirthfully, and then looked up at Katniss. His smile widened when he caught sight of the maniacal grin on her face. "See, isn't he funny, Kat-"

Before he could finish, she had lodged another arrow in his mouth. He toppled to the ground without letting out another peep.

Katniss stared at the body for a moment longer, and then threw back her head and let out a shriek of delight. "YES! YES! FREEDOM!" She ran in ecstatic circles until the hovercraft came to take him away. Before the metal claw could grab onto him, however, she grabbed onto its arm and hugged it tightly. "No! Me first!" she commanded, and the pilot of the ship shrugged once before carrying her away.

Peeta was left behind, and nobody ever did manage to get around to removing him.

Nineteen

Katniss shielded her eyes against the glare of the sun as the platform she was standing on rose up to stage-level. She blinked away the sting – and then gasped at the sight of the huge crowd that stood before her.

This mob looked nothing like the one that had greeted them at the train station. For one, everyone looked really mad – not giddy with excitement, as they had been before. For another, they were all holding pitchforks and baseball bats and torches. A few were brandishing signs. When she looked closer, she saw that most of them read things like, "DEATH TO PEETA" and "KILL THE SISSY!" And they were all screeching and yelling.

"Execute Peeta!"

"Shoot him now!"

"I'll do it!"

"No, let me!"

"I want to obliterate him!"

Peeta ran across the stage to stand by her. He was beaming and jumping up and down with excitement. "They love me, Katniss!" he squealed. "The crowd loves me!"

At this, the crowd gave a roar so loud that it shook the very ground they stood on. Peeta threw out his arms in response and basked cluelessly in the glare of their hatred and fury.

"Uh, Peeta?" Katniss said nervously. "I don't think that that's what they really mean…"

Peeta favored her with a big grin that showed just how stupid he thought she was being (nd also did a good job of illustrating how unintelligent he was). "Don't be silly, Katy-poo! They positively adore me!" He turned to face the angry mob. "Isn't that right?" he hollered.

Someone in the crowd threw a rotten tomato at him, and the rest of them laughed cruelly.

"I love vegetables!" Peeta exclaimed. "Why, you guys are just too thoughtful!" With that, he wiped the tomato goop off of his face and licked it up.

The mass of angry Capitol dwellers booed loudly, but Peeta just giggled. "Hey Katniss," he whispered, sidling up to her, "do you think that they'd like it if I took a stage dive?" Before she could say anything, he chuckled jubilantly and answered his own question – "Oh, of course they would!"

Peeta then ran to the edge of the stage and threw himself happily into the waiting arms of the angry crowd.

Within seconds, they had beaten him to a pulp, dismembered him, ripped him into tiny pieces, and ground him underfoot.

After the few minutes of silence that had followed his death, they all began to whoop and cheer. Some started dancing in celebration, while others wept with joy.

President Snow shuffled awkwardly onto the stage after a few minutes. He stuffed a silver crown onto Katniss' head, and then turned to face the mob, clearing his throat as he did so.

"Ladies and Gentlemen!" he called. "I give you the victor of the Seventy-Fourth Hunger Games!"

The crowd began to cheer – but this time they were actually excited. Simultaneously, they all flipped their "I HATE PEETA" banners and T-shirts around to reveal their opposite sides, which were plastered with slogans like "Katniss Rocks!" and "Go Katniss!"

Katniss looked around at the whole happy mess of people, and a slow smile spread across her face. It widened substantially when her gaze landed on a small smudge of Peeta that was smeared across the floor.

"Now this," she said happily, "I could get used to."