Hope and a Fighting Chance

by The Lost Girl

SPOILERS: Everything up to and including Mass Effect 3's ending.

SUMMARY: "Give us hope and a fighting chance. Hell, the Reapers better watch themselves." Every hero needs a hero every now and then. And Kaidan is exactly what Shepard needs.

DISCLAIMERS: All the characters in the story belong to Bioware, and whoever else has the rights on Mass Effect. Some quotes will directly be borrowed from the games.

WARNING: Eventual character(s) death(s).

Hope and a Fighting Chance

Chapter 1...

Let him go!

Nooo!

Hold on, Kaidan...

Don't give up... saved my life, and I can't... Oh Goddess... Please pull through, Kaidan... We all need you, but Shepard... I'll go see how he's doing... be right back... better not go anywhere...

Hey Kaidan... Don't know if you can hear me... take my chances... Don't die, Kaidan... You've got to fight... need you in this... I could use you... Come on Kaidan, fight... that's an order...

Back when... fought Saren... glimpse of Shepard's mind... just the way he looks at you... seen you look back... Shepard... his main reason to fight... lost so much already... Please live, Kaidan, for his sake as much as yours... You're a good friend... care for you...

They said that hearing was the last sensory faculty to go when people were dying... Or being near death, anyway. After the beating he'd taken on Mars, Kaidan figured that he'd been close enough. He'd overheard some doctors say that his survival had been nothing short of a miracle, and the fact that he'd managed to make a full recovery even more so. While they were quick to give credit to Dr. Michel and her team's outstanding medical knowledge and skills, they seemed rather impressed with the strength of his physical constitution, as well as his will to live and get better.

Despite the migraines, his ability to adapt to an L2 implant seemed to indicate that he'd been gifted with a mind and body that was more resilient than most, they'd said. But then, he guessed he'd always been lucky that way. Now more than ever, he found himself determined to use that strength, and every other advantages he'd been given, to protect others from the Reapers and from anyone else wishing to abuse their own powers.

Though he hadn't exactly come back from the dead as Shepard had, he felt that, in more ways than one, he'd been given a second chance to try to make things right... Probably one of the reasons why he found himself unable to find sleep tonight and was making his way towards T'soni's quarters. He hadn't gotten the chance to speak to her ever since the coup on the Citadel... Last time they'd really seen each other, Shepard and he had been holding each other at gunpoint, while she'd watched helplessly, her own gun trained on him, wordlessly pleading for him to trust them.

While he felt that he had some apologizing to do, that wasn't the only reason he wanted to see her... Memories of the time he had spent in a coma were very scarce and hazy, but he kept hearing some voices in his head that... Troubled him? No, that wasn't the right word. It wasn't anything negative just... He couldn't quite figure out if what he'd heard had been real, or simply the product of a dying mind desperately clinging to the hope of something he'd always believed he could never have.

It wasn't an emergency, though... He would just see if there was still light coming out of her "lair", as the Normandy's crew liked to call it. If the place seemed dark, he would let her get some much needed rest. He had to wonder if asaris needed as much sleep as the average human usually did. Ever since she became the Shadow Broker, he'd been told that Liara spent entire days and sometimes nights going through her information networks. He supposed that it was a good thing that her VI, Glyph, was helping her out.

Still, he wondered what he was going to say... If the voices he had heard had indeed been the product of his imagination; a way to give himself a reason to fight through the darkness and make his way back to the living... Then what? He knew that he could trust Liara to keep his secret safe. She was, after all, one of the most sensitive and discrete persons he'd ever met. Beyond that, he also trusted her. They both were private people and had very few friends. But those that they did consider such meant the world to them. And Liara had been a good friend. He hoped that after his little stunt back on the Citadel, she still was.

But the matter made him feel incredibly nervous nevertheless, and he had to fight the urge to double back and return to his own quarters when he saw the bright light coming out of Liara's room. He knew that he was being silly, but part of him felt like a high school kid all over again. All feverish at the thought that his latest crush might be sharing his feelings, and anxiously trying to gather more information about what said person thought about him through mutual friends.

He gently knocked on the half opened door, and slowly proceeded to take a peek inside. Liara, who had been working at her console until then, turned around with a surprised look. She evidently hadn't expected anyone else to be up at this late hour. However, as soon as the surprise wore off and her eyes found his, her whole face lit up, and she offered him a very happy, almost relieved smile.

"I'm sorry to bother you Liara. I couldn't sleep and... Well, if this is a bad time, I could always come back later..."

"No no, please, come in. Actually, it's really good to see you. I didn't get much chance to talk to you since you've been released from the hospital, and I'd like to know how you are doing." she said while proceeding to guide him inside.

"Wow... This... This is rather impressive, really." he said while taking a look at the high tech surveillance equipments and communication networks. "Shepard told me about how you managed to track down the Shadow Broker, and took over his operations. What you've accomplished took some amazing skills. You must be proud."

"Well, from what I've heard we've all been pretty busy... Major." she stretched out the last word, clearly meaning it as a compliment. "But I doubt that you came here to talk about work..." she said, offering him a place to sit on the edge of her bed "At least, I'd much rather talk about you."

"Me?" Kaidan asked, a bit taken aback by her concern.

"I didn't get much of a chance to visit you in the hospital except for that one time... But you hadn't regained consciousness yet, and the doctors couldn't tell me if you ever would... Shepard has kept us all updated on your progress following his visits but, after everything that's happened at the Citadel, and with you rushing back into the action like that, I just wanted to make sure that you were feeling alright... I should've checked on you earlier, actually, made sure that you didn't have any trouble settling back in, I'm sorry, and..."

"Liara, stop." he said, surprised by how worried she sounded. "Shepard already helped me get settled when I first came in, and EDI showed me around the ship." he paused, offering a brief half-smile "That is, once I recovered from the heart attack she almost gave me. I appreciate the concern, but I sense there is more to it."

"Back on Mars, when Dr. Eva got out of the shuttle, you immediately pushed me out of the way and positioned yourself between she and I..."

"I was doing my job, Liara..." he gently tried to interrupt, but she only shook her head and put her hand up to indicate that it was important for her that he let her finish.

"I knew you were going to say that. Actually, I don't know anyone on this team that wouldn't be ready to take a bullet for a friend, or to sacrifice their own life so that the others could get to safety. But when it comes down to it, it only shows how many noble, brave and dedicated souls we've got on this ship. That still doesn't take anything away from the fact that you risked your life on that day and probably saved mine. If she'd grabbed me instead of you, with the very little protection I was wearing, I most certainly would have died." she said, grabbing his hands in hers.

"You may feel that you were only doing your job. But it's still a job that you chose to do. You chose to become a soldier, and you chose to put yourself in harm's way to protect a friend. That's all part of who you are, and I am grateful."

"Then you're welcome..." he said, smiling back at her, and giving her hands a little squeeze. "Does that mean that you've forgiven me for the rather uncomfortable situation I put you all in with the council back there?"

"Well, you were only doing your job..." she replied, making him chuckle a bit.

"Yeah..."

"Seriously though, I believe that everyone that was there understood. The Citadel was under attack, Cerberus had assassins going after your elevator, and out steps Shepard, who has not only been collaborating with Cerberus in the past, but was also entirely rebuilt by them... Not to mention that Miranda did say that they had considered putting a control chip inside of him at some point..."

"See, now you're really easing my mind..."

Liara laughed "Don't worry though, they didn't. Apparently, the Illusive Man objected to anything that could have altered Shepard's personality in any way. And I believe that Miranda and Jacob can be trusted on that. I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I understand why you hesitated. And I'm sure that the others do to, Shepard included."

"Thanks Liara, that means a lot..." he said, feeling relieved that he hadn't managed to alienate some of the best people he had ever known. "And just so you know, I promised Shepard that from now on, I'll stop doubting him. After everything that's happened, I guess I'd rather take the risk and let myself fully believe that it is him, even if I happen to be wrong, than add to everything he must have been through since they brought him back. The Shepard I know and lo... I mean... Uh... He deserves better."

Smooth... Real smooth Alenko... At least, if he was blushing, Liara had the generosity not to comment on it.

"And I'm so glad to hear it!" she said, positively beaming.

"So you and I, we are good, right?"

"You're a good friend, Kaidan. One of the best I've ever had... I remember when I first arrived on the Normandy, you were the only human, besides Shepard, that came to see me and made sure that I was feeling welcomed. And then, you were always so patient and helpful whenever I had questions or needed help. I care for you... After everyone we've lost to this war, I'm both glad and very relieved we've got you back."

"Thanks Liara, so am I. And I'm happy to call you a friend, too." he sincerely said, before his mind wandered to the main reason of his visit... Well, considering what he'd almost blurted out earlier, and he had no illusions that Liara would indeed have caught that, it should be easier, right? Then why did his brain refuse to come up with something to say, and why couldn't he stop fidgeting?

"Was there something else?" the asari offered with a knowing smile, coming to the rescue.

"Yeah... Ummm... In fact, there was..." he took a deep breath. Come on Alenko! You're a 35 years old military Major, not some love struck teenager, for god's sake! "You mentioned coming to visit me when I was still in a coma at the hospital?"

Liara's smile grew a bit wider. Oh that's great, she's actually enjoying this, isn't she? "What of it?"

"I, uh, have been hearing these things that you said and... Well, at least I think that you're the one who said them... It was your voice and..." Alright, if she keeps smiling like that, I'm running out of here within the next 5 minutes, I swear!

"And you're wondering if I really did tell you that Shepard may have feelings for you?" she offered, apparently taking pity on him. Good to know that while she still seemed to find the situation rather amusing, she wasn't just plain evil.

"No. Well yes, I mean... These weren't the exact words but... Did you?" So when exactly have I unlearned how to talk?

Liara couldn't help but chuckle a bit "I may have mentioned something along the lines of you being Shepard's main reason for fighting this war... Or that I had gotten a glimpse of his feelings for you back when we were fighting Saren, and Shepard and I linked our minds in order for me to help him better understand the information that he had received from the Prothean beacons... I may also have mentioned that I have noticed the way that both of you look at each other, especially when you think that none of us will notice... Is that what you were referring to?"

"I... Yes, but how?" You have reached Kaidan Alenko's brain. I am undertaking some heavy maintenance right now. Please come back later, when I'll have resumed basic functioning.

"How can I be so sure?" Well, at least Liara's brain was working properly, and even seemed to be reading his. Perhaps that whole "embrace eternity" thing with the black eyes was just for show after all, and asaris could always get into your mind whenever they wished to.

"Come on, Kaidan. While the Commander has many friends and people that he cares about, there's no one else that can captivate his attention like you do. Whenever you're there, it's like he simply tunes in to you... Actually, so do you. You two have this kind of chemistry together both on, and out of the battlefield. This little "extra care" you give to each other's opinions and actions. And when you got hurt back on Mars and we feared that we would lose you... That was the only time where I saw him almost giving up hope. I can't guarantee that Shepard loves you, of course, but I can tell you that his feelings for you do run deep. You have to decide if the risk is worth taking."

"Nobody ever fell in love without being a little bit brave…" came a voice from the Normandy's communication systems.

"EDI! Have you been listening to the whole conversation?" Liara asked, her tone disapproving.

"Only parts of it. I thought that Major Alenko would be glad to know that I agree with Dr. T'Soni's assessment of the situation. When I asked Commander Shepard his advice on how to provoke Joker into an emotional commitment, he suggested that I create more opportunities for us to spend time together, despite not knowing how he would respond to my… interest… in him. His exact words were "Nobody ever fell in love without being a little bit brave…" I believe that the Major isn't lacking the bravery department".

"Thank you EDI, but I don't know if being brave on the battlefield has anything to do with the kind of courage required when seeking... to provoke someone into an emotional commitment." Kaidan replied, apparently having found his voice again.

"Nonetheless, time is short… And both you and the Commander have already defied the odds by surviving this war as long as you have. I suggest that whatever you choose to do, you do not delay too long before reaching a conclusion."

"Thanks, I will… And EDI…"

"I won't inform Shepard or any of the crew members that we've had this discussion…"

Kaidan couldn't resist smiling. He hadn't known her for very long, but he could understand why the Normandy's crew had grown particularly fond of EDI… The AI showed surprisingly strong humane qualities, including empathy. A few still felt that they were venturing into the unknown by allowing her to care for the Normandy's systems, and wandering around the ship without any restraints… But apparently, Shepard had been completely opposed to the idea of imposing any sort of artificial controls on EDI. He believed that the more he and the crew showed that they believed in and trusted her, the more the AI's thought processes were allowed to grow and individuate. Thus, helping EDI to understand more complex beliefs and notions, and to acquire a sense of right and wrong. Allowing an AI to build a strong personal moral compass seemed like the safest and most ethical way to respectfully gain her loyalty, instead of forcing her to remain loyal through the usual coercive methods that most organics reserved for synthetics.

EDI cared for the crew, and fought alongside them not because she was programmed to do so, but because she chose to, because she felt personally invested in their well being. And in turn, they had become very protective of her, treating her with the same level of respect and consideration that they would show any other member of the team.

He knew that part of it was Shepard's influence, and the thought made him proud. Shepard approached any issue that he didn't fully understand with a very humble and open mind, seeking to observe and learn instead of judging. Life was one of the greatest mysteries of all… So who was to say that a being born through synthetic means wasn't alive as well? Especially when she had seemed to develop a conscience… A soul…

Organic cells and tissues were, after all, a very well crafted and complex "machine" that followed specific rules in order to keep the body and mind working. So if you could reactivate a synthetic without loosing any of the data it had gathered over the course of its life, or altering its personality… Was it that very far fetched that Shepard could have been brought back to life once they had repaired his body, without altering who he truly was? Perhaps the Commander was living proof that organics and synthetics weren't so dissimilar after all. And perhaps both could acquire a conscience, a soul, a living force that was entirely unique to each individual, and seemed to form the very essence of who that person is. So Shepard... Really was back…

"That is very much appreciated EDI, thank you… And thanks to you too, Liara. You both have given me much to think about."

"It was good talking to you." Liara replied, pulling Kaidan into a heartfelt hug. He returned the embrace before excusing himself from her quarters, heading towards the lounging area of the ship on the port observation deck.

He would probably come to regret it later in the morning, considering that he could already feel the first signs of a headache coming up, but right now, he needed a drink.

Apparently, he wasn't the only one. A turian was already seated in one of the couches, holding a glass in his hand.

"Mind if I join you, Garrus?"

"Not at all, in fact, I had meant to come and see you. Things got... Pretty tense back there..."

"That's putting it mildly!" Joker said as he burst through the door, looking mightily pissed.

"Uh. Hi Joker."

"Oh, so we're your buddies now? You trust us? Everything's good?" Alright, so mightily pissed was an understatement.

"Joker..." Garrus warned, apparently feeling like this wasn't the time.

"Jeff, the Commander did ask you to go easy on Kaidan."

"Ask all he wants, it won't stop me from speaking my mind!"

"It's okay, EDI, I've got this." Kaidan said calmly, hoping to defuse the situation.

"Of course you do, just like you had the whole situation under control back at the Citadel. Threatening to shoot the Commander, Kaidan? Really?"

Wait, was he really suggesting...? Making a stand to prevent someone from being killed without proof of his guilt or proper trial was one thing. But actually pulling the trigger? His temper flared up at the thought that anyone could ever think that he would have been able to kill Shepard. "I never would have shot!"

"Well DUH, of course you never would have! You'd just have stood there, between Shepard and his target, to make some grand statement about "not giving in to terrorists and protecting the presumed innocent" or some shit! And then, poor Garrus here would have been forced to take you down; 'cause of course there's no way that the Commander would ever have been able to pull the trigger either! Then, it would have been Horizon all over again, except so much worse because Shepard would be left with absolutely no hope of ever making things right between you two. Garrus would have had to spend the rest of his life with the guilt of having gunned down a friend. And Liara, Chakwas, I, and every other member of this crew that actually cares about your sorry ass would have been left mourning yet another friend to that goddamn war!" As he spoke, Joker's tone went from anger, to frustration, to something akin to concern and despair. They had all lost and sacrificed a lot to this war, and all of them were acutely aware that this was just the beginning.

Listening to Joker's rant, he realised that the pilot was just under as much stress and pressure as anyone else, perhaps even more. It was clear that Jeff saw the people on board "his" ship as his responsibility. And that included him, apparently.

"I'm sorry, I hadn't realized you cared so much..."

"Why else would I be so upset and shouting?" he replied, as if it should have been self-evident. He sounded a lot calmer, though.

Something else in his speech had caught his attention.

"I... Uh... Wait... What do you mean by Horizon?"

" Horizon, also known about "that time Shepard got his heart crushed, and spent the next month mopping around the ship and skipping meals". Just ask Garrus how hard we had to work to cheer him up and get him to remain focused on the mission."

"Chakwas did consider putting him on antidepressants, but decided against it since she feared it would slow down his reflexes, and put him at risk in combat situations." the turian reluctantly admitted.

Kaidan was shocked. He knew that what he'd told Shepard on that day had hurt... And thankfully, they had gotten a chance to open up about it, and work through their issues during the few times that Shepard had come to visit him in the hospital. He'd never imagined that it had affected him so much, though.

"I... Had no idea..." he replied, his voice barely over a whisper.

"Yeah, well that time positively sucked. And since Anderson basically ordered me to take care of him, I'm going to make sure that Shepard isn't being put under more stress than he already is! After all he's been through, he deserves better."

Joker was right, he really did. And Kaidan was determined not to add more on Shepard's already overflowing plate.

"He does, really. And I'm sorry... I never meant to hurt him, I just... We both watched him die, Joker... Organics don't usually come back from the dead and... Well, I guess that it would have helped if I had met with EDI earlier..."

"Why's that?"

He smiled. "She's got a kind and beautiful soul, no matter the platform she is operating. It might have helped me get over the fact that Shepard had been rebuilt, and encouraged me to truly take a look at the person within instead."

"Are you saying this to get on my good side?" Joker asked suspiciously, but you could see that Kaidan's words had deeply touched him.

"No, I mean it. When Shepard died... Well, let's simply say that for a little while there, the world I was in stopped making sense... Although he ordered me to take care of the crew and get them to the shuttles, I never quite forgave myself for having left the Normandy before he did. Some part of me always felt like I should've stayed, no matter what..." he looked down, swallowing hard. Talking about his feelings was a very difficult thing to do, especially without having to relive them.

"I cared for him, perhaps more than I was supposed to. When I saw him on Horizon, I was still reeling. I had only begun to accept that he was gone, and suddenly there he was, standing right in front of me. I can't think of any situation that's ever felt as surreal. It's like my mind was refusing to cope with it, and let myself hope... Each time I looked at him, all I could see was his body floating in the vast open space, hopelessly fighting to stay alive. It sounds terrible, but back then, it was easier for me to believe that all of it was some cruel Cerberus trick to try to gather more Intel on the Alliance and lure us into letting our guards down... Because letting myself believe that Shepard really was back only meant that I could risk losing him again... And I don't think I would have been able to survive it this time."

"And now?" Joker asked quietly, urging him to go on.

"Now, I find that in this war, hope is probably the only thing that any of us truly have left. I've been given a second chance to fight alongside him, and try to make a difference. No matter what, I'm not going to waste it. I've got his back, a hundred percent." It was promise that he was making both to them, and to himself.

"Well, then I'm sorry for jumping on you like that."

"Feeling better now?" Kaidan asked with a sheepish smile.

Joker returned the smile, letting him know that as far as he was concerned, all had been forgiven and dealt with. "Yeah... Okay I'm good. We're good."

"And I'm glad you two kids kept it civil and didn't force me to intervene."

"Come on Garrus, you know that I wasn't actually going to really kick his ass. I might have broken my foot or something." the pilot replied with a shrug.

"Still, you can be pretty scary sometimes... Not to mention that you've now got this super hot girlfriend that could easily beat the crap out of me."

"Damn straight!"

Kaidan had to admit, he really had missed it. The playful banter and good natured teasing that seemed to be the rule on board the Normandy.

"I have no wish to follow in the footsteps of this platform's previous occupant, and can assure you that I would never use this body to harm you, Kaidan."

"I know EDI, that was..."

"...a joke. Then it is good to know that you can already find humor in these things. It means that we won't have to worry about the psychological after effects of your previous ordeal."

Surprisingly, they really didn't. Memories of watching Shepard getting spaced, or watching that bomb detonate on Virmire seemed to have left a stronger imprint on his mind than his own near death experience. He remembered instinctively pushing Liara out of the way and shooting at Dr. Eva while she'd rushed him with inhuman speed. Then, the next thing he knew he didn't have his gun anymore, and he was helplessly being suspended in mid-air with the lower part of his helmet painfully pressed against his windpipe, effectively cutting his air flow and leaving him gasping for breath... And then everything had gone black. While unpleasant, it had happened so fast and hadn't been more painful or traumatic than any other injuries he'd sustained in the past while fighting. Also, Kaidan didn't really fear death... His greatest fear was watching people close to him get hurt or die, while being powerless to do anything about it.

"Don't worry EDI, Kaidan won't curl himself into a ball and start rocking back and forth each time he encounters a mech."

That earned a chuckle from Garrus "Now that would be quite the show..."

"Sorry Garrus, but I fear Joker's right, and I won't start panicking any more than you would if we encountered a gunship."

"Still, I prefer to stay clear of those. I won't curl into a ball, but you'll sure see me running for cover."

"A very sound plan." Kaidan agreed. There was, after all, a difference between cowering in fear, and avoiding tempting fate.

"I don't know about you Alenko, but I could really use a drink right now…." Joker said, eyeing Garrus' own glass of turian brandy. "Think you can grab us some glasses, and a bottle of non-dextro from the bar?"

"Aye aye." he replied, making his way to the bar as Joker took a seat next to the turian.

"And guys, thanks." he said as he plopped down into the couch facing them, uncorking the bottle and pouring both he and Joker a drink.

"What for?" Garrus wondered.

"I can always yell at you more often, if you'd like." The pilot added with a smile.

"Thanks Joker, but I'll pass. Though if I start acting stupid again, you can go ahead and bring me back on track." He said, returning the smile.

"You can pretty much count on it!"

"I meant thanks for watching over Shepard, and for the support you've given him ever since he came back. I know I should've been there for him, but it's good to know that at least, he wasn't alone in all of this." He sincerely told them, feeling the familiar wave of guilt and regret take a hold of him.

"Yeah, well you staying out of that whole suicide mission with the Collectors made us look good." Joker replied, trying to keep his tone light, though he knew that the whole thing must have been pretty hard on the Major as well.

"Plus, I suppose that having someone with your history of faithful services to the Alliance speaking up on Shepard's behalf during his trials helped make a difference. The way everything played out was probably for the best." Garrus added.

Kaidan sighed. "Yeah..." Perhaps the turian was right. Perhaps the fact that he hadn't abandoned his post and his duties to the Alliance in order to follow Shepard against the Collectors had made a difference when it came down to giving credibility to Shepard's claims about the imminent Reapers threat. His being a well respected officer testifying about what he had seen on Virmire and Ilos, and backing up Shepard's findings and decisions may have made a small difference in the fact that the human council had ultimately begun to believe him, and had been willing to quickly drop most of the charges against the Commander. And least, he hoped.

"So, when are you going to ask him out?" Garrus asked, pulling him out of his musings.

"Excuse me?" Kaidan replied, momentarily confused.

"Shepard. Now that you're back and you two have managed to put the past behind you, aren't you going to ask him out?" the turian clarified, as if it should have been evident.

The L2 was shocked. Okay, so he'd just admitted to caring about the Commander more than he probably should; and from what Joker had told them, it seemed that Shepard cared a lot about him, too. But with the war going on, and the fact that they all had to deal with rather pressing matters, "dating" didn't seem to be something that he'd expected to be on anyone's mind, much less Garrus'.

"Come on, Alenko! It's not like everyone hasn't noticed the sexual tension between you two. Better act on it while you still can." Joker said with a roll of his eyes. This really wasn't helping in making that whole conversation any less surreal. And what did he mean by…

"Wait... Everyone?" he asked, now somewhat horrified. He did feel attracted to the Commander but… To think that the attraction was mutual, and that other people among the crew had been able to notice it when he himself had been completely blind to it…

"Yeah. It's difficult to be any more obvious."

Oh god... He only hoped that he wasn't blushing right now. Perhaps he could blame it on the drinks.

"And you guys are... Okay with that?" Having noticed that Shepard and he might be interested in each other was one thing… But were they really encouraging him to do something about it?

"Sure, why not?" Garrus answered with a shrug.

"Because we're military. He's my commanding officer, and last time I checked, there were regulations against that sort of thing."

Joker immediately dismissed the argument with a wave of the hand. "Pffft! Aren't you two Spectres? Allowed to break the law and all that..."

"In order to do whatever must be done to protect people and keep the galaxy safe, sure." He quickly clarified. He doubted that when the Citadel council had chosen to allow their agents to disregard certain rules to get the job done, two military officers getting it on was what they had in mind.

"My point, exactly." Joker replied, looking rather smug.

"I'm sorry Joker, but I fail to see how Shepard and I breaking the law to be together fits into the job description."

"I don't. It makes perfect sense, actually." Garrus agreed.

"Alright, enlighten me."

"Both Joker and I have been with the Commander long enough to know that the more Shepard feels emotionally invested in a mission, the higher are his chances to succeed. What could be considered as a distraction for most people, in Shepard's case, becomes his strongest motivator. The Illusive Man knew this, and this is why he insisted on surrounding Shepard with trusted allies that he would strongly care about. Each of us represents a connection to what he is trying to save, gives him a personal reason for fighting. For example, he sees the quarian people through Tali... The krogans through Wrex... These individual connections allow him to create a general attachment to these people, and care for their welfare as much as if they were a part of his own family." The turian began to explain. And while he could indeed recognise Shepard's behavior and the description, and understand where Garrus was coming from, he still wasn't sure where exactly he fit in.

"And what would I represent for him?"

Garrus smiled knowingly… Or, at least, it looked like a smile. "Home. Safety. The one place in the universe where he can allow himself to be human, instead of having to live up to the pressure of being the larger than life savior of the galaxy. Someone with whom he can share his burdens. Someone that can be there to pick him up, and give him hope when it seems that all hope is lost and the world is crumbling around him. Someone that would fight with all he's got, and give all that he is to keep him safe." He went on, leaving Kaidan speechless. Given the chance, there was no doubt in his mind and in his heart that he would indeed gladly be all that for Shepard. Actually, there was nothing in the world that he would wish more than to be there to love and support him. Make things easier if he could.

Beyond family, beyond friendship, Shepard was his main personal connection to this war. The main reason why he'd held onto life so fiercely, and why he'd refused to give up the hope that they could win this. Shepard's presence gave him strength, and made him believe that anything was possible if they only fought hard enough for it…

"Every hero needs a hero every now and then, Kaidan. I think you should be his." Garrus added, leaving him visibly moved. Garrus and Shepard were brothers in all but blood. That he'd had such faith in him after all he'd put the Commander through…

"Even though I let him down?" he asked quietly, his voice laced with regret.

"Despite my little outburst earlier, I can understand why you weren't exactly eager to jump on the Cerberus train." Joker offered compassionately, knowing a thing or two about regrets. "And as Garrus said, everything turned out to be for the best. The Commander deserves to be happy, and have someone to live and fight for. As far as I'm concerned, you're still the best candidate."

"You guys almost make it sound like all that Shepard needs to get through this and succeed in stopping the Reapers is someone that loves him."

"Pretty much." The pilot confirmed "Especially when it's the man that he's been pining for over the last three years."

"Two of them he spent being dead." The two longest years of his life, Kaidan recalled.

"I'm sure he was still watching over you. Especially when you were taking a shower..."

"Joker!" Garrus exclaimed in a mock horrified voice, but had to fight to keep himself from laughing.

"What? Seriously though, if we all died tomorrow, what would you regret?"

Kaidan didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. The look of pain and longing in his eyes spoke volumes. The thought of loosing Shepard without ever having told him how he felt… Ever having known if they could have shared something more…

"I believe you have your answer." Joker stated.

"I... Think I do..." he acquiesced, still feeling a bit unsure of what to do exactly, but knowing that he couldn't go back to pretending that his feelings for Shepard were anything less than they were.

They stayed in silence for a few minutes, all of them enjoying their drinks and lost in their own thoughts, until Kaidan noticed something that had been bothering him ever since he entered the room.

"Say, do you guys know what happened to all the cushions that used to be lying around here?"

Garrus guffawed, almost choking on his brandy, while Joker turned 3 shades of red. Wait, what did he miss?

"Joker and I deny any responsibility in the sudden disappearance of these cushions." Came EDI's voice from the com. systems.

"I never implied… Now why would you two?…" Oh. OH. It was Kaidan's time to turn red, much to Garrus' amusement.

"Well, this has been fun." The turian said, standing up, "But although tomorrow is shore leave, there are a few supplies that I need to go buy from the Citadel, so I don't intend to spend the whole day sleeping in. I think it's time for me to go get some shut eye."

This was probably a good idea. Not that Kaidan thought that he would be able to get much sleep after all he'd heard tonight, but at least it wouldn't hurt to rest a bit. "I think I'll call it a night too. Thanks for the talk..."

"Anytime."

He quietly made his way back to the starboard observation deck, where he'd elected to sleep since most of the beds that were in the crew quarters had already been taken, and sat down on one of the lounge chairs, checking his e-mails from his private terminal first.

To his surprise, he had received a message from Aria T'Loak requesting…

Oh god... Kaidan didn't know how long he just sat there, gapping, both horrified and amazed… But then, he started laughing until his chest hurt. Wiping out the tears from his eyes and catching his breath, he finally decided that his companions had been right. He loved Shepard, always had… With so much being uncertain in this war, now may be the only chance they would ever get to be together. Perhaps Shepard would refuse, either not returning his feelings or considering sharing an intimate relationship with another crew member a distraction from their mission.

But would it really hurt to, at the very least, give him the chance to make this decision?

He went through his contacts and began writing a message to the Commander:

Hey Shepard,

I don't know about you, but I could sure use a little breather. Next time you're on the Citadel, let me buy you dinner. We should try Apollo's. It's that little restaurant in the courtyard overlooking the Presidium.

Kaidan

Smiling, he pressed "sent".

A/N: For those of you wondering what the e-mail that Aria sent him was, it can be found here:

http: / thelostgirl21. deviantart. com / gallery / 36268664# / d4w99mz