Being dead, Tidus was coming to conclude, was not nearly as fun as one
might think.

Well, not that he had given it much thought at all before belly-flopping
into the Farplane but looking back it seemed natural to assume he'd at
least get to hang out with his parents and float around a lot. Jecht and
Tidus' mother, however, went straight back to doing the whole
smoochyface-hugglehuggle-let's-neglect-our-son thing upon their
reunion (except for a brief interlude when Tidus challenged Jecht to a
one-on-one blitzoff which had ended in the incorporeal equivalent of
internal bleeding, broken teeth and Auron calmly explaining to Tidus
why one should not pull a flame-thrower on one's next of kin). And the
novelty of floating wore off after awhile.

In short, Tidus was bored.

"Wanna play cards?"

Auron, meditating or something, snorted. "With what cards, genius?"

Tidus kicked himself a few feet away through the ether and crossed his
arms. "Well excuse me for breathing."

A voice behind him said, "Is he /still/ unclear on the concept? I knew he
wasn't bright, but this is getting silly."

That was another thing. Sure it was nice to see his mom again and his
fans and Auron (although he hadn't really had time to /miss/ the old fart)
and Jecht (in theory), but--

"What's vein-boy doing here anyway?" Tidus said, jerking a thumb at
Seymour sitting in the lotus position.

"You killed me, remember?" Seymour cracked an eye open
reproachfully. "Four times."

"Huh, yeah." Tidus paddled his way back to Auron and elbowed him
conspiratorially. "Wasn't that a pain in the ass? Remember, we'd be
trying to eat dinner or something and then Seymour'd show up with a
few more tentacles tacked on, going, 'Oooh, look at me! I have risen
from the grave! Oooh...spooky!' and we'd be like 'dammit, whose turn
is it to kill him /this/ time?" Tidus sighed nostalgically, rolling onto his
back. "Good times."

"At least I didn't sew parts of six different articles of clothing together
at random to make my outfit," Seymour said.

"My hair doesn't understudy as a weathervane," said Tidus.

"I kissed your girlfriend."

"Oh yeah, well, I kissed my girlfriend too!" Tidus thought about that
statement. "Oh shut up."

"Both of you shut up," said Auron.

They did. For a good half a minute.

"I'm bored!"

Auron sighed. "Here's a flashback. That'll keep you quiet for a few
minutes."

~~~~~

Auron walked into Tidus' Zanarkand penthouse from the fuzzy white
round-frame effect. Tidus wasn't in the conversation pit but his voice
could be heard from the hallway singing the Abe's theme song and
making up the words he didn't know. "Aaaaaaaand when the Abe's
shoot aaaaaaaaaaaaaa pooison shot's pure venom aaaaaaaaaaaand when
they paaaaaaass, they're, um, citrus fruit is not a lemooon... Yo, Auron!
Is that you?"

"You in the bathroom?"

"Yeah man!" Tidus said cheerfully, never one to question how often
Auron showed up unexpected and unannounced when Tidus was in the
bathroom even though the older man didn't have a key to the apartment.
"S'okay though, I'm decent. An Abe is an Aaaaaaaabe down to the last
maaaan, the finest athleeeetes in the laaaaand -- 'specially Tidus! 'Cause
he's so cooooool!"

Auron sighed, shaking his head, and pushed the door open. Then he
blinked. It wasn't often that he blinked.

"Uh...hi," Tidus said sheepishly, fiddling with the piece of foil in his
hand identical to many sticking out either side of his head like antennae.

"What are you doing?"

Tidus cleared his throat. "Well, y'see, I figured that since my picture
gets taken a lot now and I'm on TV and stuff that I might try dying my
hair the color it was when I was a kid."

"You're dying it brown?"

"Ha ha," Tidus said, turning his attention back to the mirror. "It used to
have...highlights. And stuff."

"Right," Auron studied him critically. "I guess this is like that side-part
phase you went through a few years ago. I just hope you know what
you're doing."

"Shut up! I'll have you know that I have everything perfectly under
contr-- OH SHIT! MY EYE! I GOT BLEACH IN MY EYE!
OOOOWW! SHIT! MOTHERFUCKER!"

Auron sighed again.

~~~~~

Tidus blinked. "What was the point of THAT?"

Auron shrugged. "The rest of us found it entertaining."

"I can see that," Tidus glared at a chuckling Seymour and Jecht (who
had showed up upon hearing his son was going to be humiliated) who
was howling with laughter and rolling around on what would have been
the floor. "Shut up! I hate you all!"

"Yeah, yeah," Jecht said, wiping his eyes. "But seriously, kid. You're
really just upset because you miss that Yuna of yours and yer finally
beginning to understand how long it'll be before you see her again,
right?"

Tidus was stunned at this display of parental insight. "Y-yeah."

Jecht smacked him upside the head. "Then use a portal and SEE her,
dingus!"

"Huh?" Tidus rubbed the back of his abused skull. "You're talking
gibberish, old man."

"No, a portal sphere," Auron explained. "They're like Jecht spheres, but
they allow you to view people in Spira as they are right now. Sort of
like a spy camera."

Tidus gawped at this plot device. "We have those? We can do that?
Why didn't anybody tell me about it, when all I've done here is cry and
wring my hands and scream Yuna's name to an indifferent sky?"

There was a collective shrug from his collected audience. "Must have
slipped our minds," said Auron.

Since the Farplane was devoid of matter, Tidus had to settle for
smacking his head against his hand many, many times.

****

After several amusing events the author didn't feel like going into, a
portal sphere was procured and set to 'Yuna' frequency. Tidus, Auron,
Seymour and any random spirit who had happened to stop by were
gathered round.

"The reception's kinda fuzzy. Is it going to be fuzzy when we see her?
Is there any way we can make the picture bigger? It's kinda on the small
side now. Oh, I'm so excited! I wonder how she looks! Do you think
she's okay? Wait a sec, how's the sound on thi-- OW!"

Auron blinked, innocently.

And then, oh and then, the picture focused, centered on Yuna's lovely
face, her mouth as sweet and her eyes as steady as the day they had met.

Tidus forgot how to move. He would be hard-pressed to give a tutorial
on breathing.

And then the picture zoomed out to show the object of Yuna's
attention. Tidus frowned. "Hey... isn't that...Dona? What's /she/ doing
there?"

"Shh!" someone shh'd. "She's saying something!"

Indeed, Yuna was speaking. "Oh, Dona. These past few months would
have been horrible if you haven't been here to teach me how to love
again!"

"Are you as deliriously happy as I am, darling?"

"Oh, more so!"

"Then I am truly blessed." Dona took her hand. "Come, my angel, let us
have a hot lesbian threesome with Lulu."

"Since you have no actual physical body except a model your
subconscious set up as a way of easing yourself into the metaphysical
state of non-existence," Seymour said. "There was no reason to faint."

"Waaaarrrrrrgh..." Tidus replied.

"Feeling better then, is he?" Jecht called from a few feet away.

Tidus shook himself. "I'm going back!"

"Huh?"

"To Spira! To living! I gotta go back before it's too late and Yuna...."
he shuddered. "I gotta win Yuna back!"

"Sorry to break it to you, buddy," Jecht said. "But that's notoriously
hard to do."

"I don't care! I'll -- Jeez, turn that sphere off already, would ya?"

"But they were just about to take a shower!" Jecht protested.

Auron quietly shut the sphere off while Jecht was busy being throttled.

"I'll find some way to get back," Tidus said when he remembered the
real Crisis at hand. "I'll think of something! Yuna, I'm coming!"

And with that, Tidus charged off into the smog.

Jecht, Seymour and Auron looked at one another.

Auron was the first to break the silence. "So Gin Rummy sound all right
to you?"



Notes -- Oh hell, I don't even know. It's all about the hair flashback,
everything else is just gravy. ^_^ This feels as though it needs a second
chapter, but as of now I don't see myself writing one.