Random one-shot I wrote an hour ago to drive away the stress creeping up on me.

I don't think I succeeded. Oh well.

Disclaimer: Bleach isn't mine, yada yada blah...

WARNING: Attempt at humor -FAIL.

To Be a Captain

The ten current captains of the Gotei 13 stood in two rows, discussing the most promising candidate they have for captaincy.

"He is almost perfect," Yamamoto remarked.

Ukitake nodded in agreement. "His bankai is acceptable. It is clear that he has been practicing with his bankai for a few decades now. Maybe in another hundred years, he might be able to master it."

"He's a good warrior," Zaraki grunted. "Just enough reiryoku to be a captain. I want to fight him next, just zanpakuto to zanpakuto, without using those wimpy spells that everyone considers attacks."

"He is proficient in Kidou," Hitsugaya stated. "A level fifty Hadou without incantation is impressive among those of lower rank."

"His Houhou could use some work," Kuchiki muttered, "but otherwise, he's fast."

"His Hakuda is somewhat lacking," Soifon said dryly.

Kyouraku chuckled. "For you, maybe. To us mere mortals, he's adept."

"Did you see how flexible he is?" Kurotsuchi asked, a glint in his eyes. "I wonder how far he can go... He would be the perfect vic –volunteer for one of my latest prototypes."

"Please stay at least five hundred metres from our possible captain," Unohana said gently, but firmly. "I do not want to have to treat another patient with mental problems and unexplainable injury."

Komamura ducked his anthropomorphic head. "He is loyal to the Gotei 13, having served for almost five centuries without a spot on his record. Unlike Aizen..." He shook his head, clearly holding back what he truly thought of the traitor.

Yamamoto called for attention. "Captains... what are your decisions?"

And so, the most powerful people in the Gotei 13 voiced their unanimous opinions. The Commander nodded sagely and called for the candidate, who was pacing anxiously outside the huge doors.

The man looked unremarkable. Brown eyes, brown hair, and an oval face sprinkled with freckles.

"We have made our decision," Yamamoto announced.

The man's eyes widened in hope. This was it. This was the moment he had been waiting for. It took him hundreds of years, but finally, he achieved bankai. It took him a few decades to become adept at fighting with it, but all that has paid off.

After all those hours he spent training in rural areas, he was finally going to be a captain.

"We have decided that you are not suitable for captaincy."

The man's eyes bugged out. "Wha... what?"

"I am sorry," Yamamoto said in an uncaring tone. "You are very capable, the ideal captain. Well, almost ideal..."

"Almost?"

Yamamoto looked at his ten current captains, a faint smile lingering on his lip. "To be a true captain, you need to have a certain attribute that all of the captains have always possessed. It is this trait that separates the captains from everyone else in the Gotei 13. Unfortunately, you lack this characteristic."

The man looked nonplussed.

"To put it simply," Yamamoto explained. "You are not weird enough."

The man's face creased. "Pardon?"

"All of the captains you see now have that one thing in common."

The captains dipped their heads in assent.

Yamamoto continued, "Captain Soifon has an unhealthy obsession with cats –blacks cats, specifically. Captain Unohana," he shot a look at her warily.

"Well, perhaps we will not go into that. Captain Kuchiki... has problems expressing his emotions." He glared at said captain momentarily.

"Captain Komamura, as you can see, is an anthropomorphic wolf. Captain Kyouraku," he rolled his eyes. "Where do I start?

"Perhaps at the reason as to why exactly he wears that ridiculous kimono. It would take too long to list, so we will not go into that either.

"Captain Hitsugaya is a freakishly-powerful child with white hair. That is, to put it bluntly, very abnormal.

"Captain Zaraki is invincible to those of lower rank. Despite his bloodthirsty attitude, he keeps a small, pink-haired little girl as his lieutenant.

"Captain Kurotsuchi..." He looked at the scientist-captain. "Everyone knows about him and his... experiments. Captain Ukitake –"

"I'm the only captain who manages to retain his rank despite an illness that shoots up at random," he said with a kind smile.

Yamamoto nodded. "Precisely."

"Although, he is the most normal of us all," Shunsui said with a chuckle.

Ukitake looked mildly offended.

"But what about Aizen?" the man asked, desperately trying to figure out if this was some kind of joke.

"Despite his normal outward appearance," Yamamoto said, "we all had a feeling that he had an unusual degree of oddness." He grimaced. "It turns out that we were right, although not in the way we expected.

"Ichimaru Gin used to be one of the strangest of us all, what with his eternal creepy grin and disturbing aura.

"Tousen Kaname... He just won't stop spouting reasons as to why he should be made into a captain. Justice this, justice that..."

"That's bullshit!" The man looked scandalized. He didn't realize that he was insulting the most powerful people in the Gotei 13. "Why the hell do I need to be weird to be a captain?"

"Tradition," the Commander said simply. "Every captain had always been weird. In fact, the Central 46 collectively agreed that strangeness is a requirement to be a capable captain."

"But that's... that's..."

"You are dismissed," Yamamoto ordered. "You may apply for a higher seat, and we would gladly approve, but you may not apply for captaincy until you gain some semblance of strangeness."

The man left looking taken aback. All those hours spent on training... only to be shot down because of his ordinariness?

The man stomped back to his division, irritation seeping out in the form of reiatsu.

He resolved to spend all his free-time into making himself as weird as possible.

Blah. I don't even think this deserves a review.