DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, anything to do with the Boy Wizard, and I don't own Twilight, OR the Lovely Hunger Games…don't sue me, I'm just a kid.
DARKNESS.
Harry: what the…? Where are we?
Hermione: I don't know, Harry.
Harry: Hermione? Is that you?
Ron: No, it's Cinderella.
Hermione: Ron, I can't believe that you're still on that.
Ron: what? It's true, it does sound like some kind of disease…
Hermione: Ronald, for the last time- Cinderella is a muggle fairy tale. Not a disease.
Harry: Anyway…where the hell are we? I can't see anything! Ron, where's your deluminator?
Ron: I think I left it in my trunk, mate.
Draco: Nice thinking, Weasley.
(Silence)
Harry, Hermione and Ron: MALFOY?
Draco: caught on quickly, didn't you?
Hermione: Malfoy, what are you doing here?
Draco: I don't know, Granger. Maybe Potter can explain.
Harry: I don't know why we're here either, Malfoy. Maybe your death eater-clan-family can enlighten us on this-?
Draco: I wish they could- but they can't. They're not here and they have nothing to do with this.
Hermione: Are you sure, Draco?
Ron: Hermione don't liste- wait, did you just call him 'Draco'?
(Hermione goes quiet)
Hermione: Y-yes I did, Ron.
Ron: WHY?
Draco: Oh back off, Weasley. Maybe it's because I'm a human- unlike you, of course.
Ron: Since when are you human?
Harry: Or even capable of human EMOTIONS?
Draco: Shut it, Potter!
Hermione: Can you all just stop fighting, please?
Ron: Why are you defending him, Hermione?
Hermione: I'm not defending anyone, Ronald! I just want to get out of this place!
Ron: …wherever this place is….
Harry: Exactly.
Peeta: Hello?
(Limited silence.)
Harry: Whose there?
Peeta: Peeta, why? Who's that?
Harry: It's Harry. Harry Potter. Who's Peeta?
Peeta: (whispers to person next to him) who the hell is Harry Potter?
Hermione: I'm sorry, but who exactly are you?
Peeta: I'm Peeta Mellark.
Hermione: Hermione Granger, nice to meet you.
Ron: WHO THE HELL IS PEETA MELLARK?
Draco: Calm down, Weasel.
Peeta: Your name is Weasel?
Ron: No! IT'S NOT!
Draco: (sniggers) I like this kid already…
Harry: Shut it, Malfoy.
Peeta: Your name is Malfoy?
Draco: It's Draco, actually. Draco Malfoy.
Peeta: (shrugs) never heard of you before.
(Ron sniggers)
Hermione: I know it probably doesn't help, but the other guy is Harry. I'm Hermione, this is Ron and the other one is Draco.
Ron: Stop calling him Draco, Hermione!
Draco: Hermione can do as she pleases, Weasley!
Hermione: …you called me Hermione?
Draco: (hesitates) Uh…yeah, I guess I did.
Peeta: Excuse me, but where are we?
Harry: Trying to figure that out, myself.
Draco: I hope we haven't been sucked into one of those FanFiction universes. Not again…
Hermione: I doubt we are, Malfoy. It's too dark meaning the author hasn't thought of an idea, yet.
Draco: Back to last name basis, are we Granger?
Hermione: I didn't- Ah, whatever.
Draco: I'll tell you what, Granger. Come to Hogsmeade with me this weekend and I'll start being nice to you.
Hermione: In your dreams, Malfoy.
Draco: It sure is.
(Ron grits his teeth)
Peeta: Wait, 'Fanfiction'? I've heard this term before.
Harry: You haven't? By the way, your name sounds awfully familiar…
Ron: Yeah, it does. Peeta, did you say your name was?
(Light bulb moment)
Hermione: *clicks finger* Got it!
Peeta: Got what?
Hermione: You're Peeta Mellark!
Draco: …I though we already established that, Hermione.
Ron: Stop calling her Hermione!
Hermione: Ronald, Please!
Draco: Better listen to her Weasley.
Hermione: Anyway! Peeta, you're from the Hunger Games!
Peeta: Yes, that's correct.
Ron and Harry: What in the name of Merlin is the Hunger Games?
Peeta: You don't know what the Hunger Games are? What district are you from?
Draco: What the hell's a district?
Peeta: Are you guys even from Panem?
Harry: What the hell is Panem?
Ron: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
Hermione: Ron, calm down!
Ron: NO! SOMEONE TELL ME WHO IS PEETA MELLARK, WHY ARE WE HERE AND WHAT IS GOING ON?
Hermione: Ron, please. Control yourself.
Harry: …so, you're not from Hogwarts, then?
Peeta: What is Hogwarts?
Draco: Oh God, he's a muggle.
Hermione: Or a squib.
Peeta: Who the hell are you people?
Hermione: isn't it obvious? We're wizards.
Peeta: …
Ron: I think he's fainted.
Peeta: No, I'm still here.
Harry: So, what's Panem?
Peeta: It's a nation of people in North America set by the Capital-
Draco: Boring. So Mellark, where are you from, exactly? You can't be a muggle, since they're rarely portrayed in FanFiction…
Peeta: Well, I'm not a wizard, and I don't have any powers. I was in the Hunger Games though.
Harry: What are the Hunger Games?
Peeta: I think I should let Hermione explain…
Draco: Yeah, since she's like a walking, talking encyclopaedia.
Hermione: Thanks, Malfoy.
Draco: (grins) you're welcome, Hermione.
Harry: Will you stop hitting on Hermione, for merlin's sake, Malfoy!
Draco: I'm not doing anything, Potter!
Hermione: As I was saying, The Hunger Games are these games established by the Capital where 23-
Peeta: 24.
Hermione: Sorry. 24 kids between eleven and eighteen train and go and fight to the death until only one person is left standing. Quite brutal, if you ask me. So Peeta, you won the Hunger Games?
Peeta: I won alongside my girlfriend Katniss Everdeen, yes.
Draco: Peeta Mellark's a player!
Ron: Oh stuff it, Malfoy.
Draco: I will in your girlfriend, if you don't shut your mouth.
(Ron lunges at Draco, but Harry holds him back. Peeta takes hold of Hermione and keeps her held back from Ron and Draco's scuffle)
Peeta: Bit feisty, aren't they?
Hermione: You should see them in Hogwarts.
Peeta: what's Hogwarts?
Hermione: Oh, it's this school for wizards and witches in Scotland. If you're interested, I can lend you my copy of Hogwarts: A history…
Draco: Oh God, please don't. Spare the boy.
Peeta: that sounds kinda cool. So you guys practice magic?
Harry: Pretty much, yeah.
Ron: What can you do?
Peeta: well, I can't do magic…
Draco: Must be a muggle, then.
Peeta: what's a muggle?
Harry: Non magic folk.
Peeta: Ah. Well, I'm alright at baking, painting…
Draco: Hah, woman things.
Hermione: Malfoy, don't you DARE…
Ron: Great. He's set her off.
Hermione: Actually, I think it's rather sweet that you can do those things. Not many men can…besides, you have a girlfriend so that must stand for something.
Draco: And we don't have girlfriends?
Ron: Pansy Parkinson doesn't count as a girlfriend. Not even a human. A troll, maybe.
Draco: Your sister doesn't count as a girlfriend either, Weasley.
Harry: HEY!
Draco: Oh, right. Forgot that you're swapping spit with she-Weasel…
Peeta and Hermione: Ew.
Ron: Exactly.
Harry: Ron, I thought we already discussed this…
Ron: sorry mate couldn't cast an opportunity like this away.
Peeta: So, where exactly are we?
Draco: I think we're inside the mind of the author.
Harry: JK Rowling?
Draco: No, not her. A FanFiction author. Rowling finished our story in 2007…
Ron: So it's a Fanfiction author. Great…
Peeta: What's a Fanfiction author?
Hermione: wait, I don't get it. If we're stuck in the minds of some author, then why is Peeta Mellark from The Hunger Games in here, too?
Harry: Maybe he's just brainstorming…
Hermione: Or she.
Draco: I think he's contemplating a cross-over FanFiction.
Hermione: Or she.
Harry: I think I remember the Hunger Games; it's like the next big thing, right?
Hermione: oh don't say that, Harry. There will always be Harry Potter fans.
Draco: Potterheads...
Ron: And those awkward ships…
Hermione: Not this again, Ron!
Ron: Oh come off it, Hermione. You know it's true. I bet the Hunger Games fandom doesn't have the weirdest pairings on the planet!
Peeta: Actually, we do believe it or not. The Hunger Games isn't as big as Harry Potter, I guess.
Draco: Dear God, anything to drive the attention from scar-head will do me alright…
Hermione: And risk your sex-appealed popularity with the ladies, Malfoy?
(Silence.)
Draco: (Grinning) You think I have sex appeal, Granger?
Ron: Stop putting words into her mouth, Malfoy!
Draco: I could put something other than words into her mouth-
Harry: OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH!
Peeta: Okay, but I still don't get it. Why am I here if this is in the Harry Potter fandom?
Hermione: I've got a strange feeling that Draco's right. I believe that this is a cross-over FanFiction.
Peeta: But I don't get it, if this is a cross-over, then where's Katniss?
Draco: Oh, the hot chick with the bow and arrow?
Peeta: Yes. My GIRLFRIEND.
Draco: Ah.
(Lights begin to flick on and off)
Hermione: The author's here.
Ron: then where the hell is she?
Harry: Wait, Ron.
(Lights flicker on, but still dim.)
Ron: Hey! We have two blondies in the house! (Pointing at Peeta)
Harry: Maybe Peeta and Draco are related…
Draco: I seriously doubt it if we are from two completely different fandoms, Potter.
Peeta: Yeah, we're definitely not related.
Hermione: Yes Peeta, you're too kind to be related to a Malfoy.
Peeta: Oh, thank you Hermione. (Smiles)
Ron: what is this, 'flirt with Hermione' day?
Draco: Yes, I believe it is. Now Granger, go out with me.
Ron and Harry: WHAT?
Draco: I said it loud and clear. What do you say, Hermione?
(Peeta looks at Hermione and nods.)
Hermione: I…well…
Harry: Hold up. I just realised something. Why is Draco asking Hermione, of all people, out?
Ron: I think he's finally come to his senses…
Harry: But Ron, don't forget WHERE we are right now.
Ron: Oh God. (His eyes broaden and he looks around frantically.) WE'RE IN A FANFICTION!
Author: Welcome, welcome, welcome...
Peeta: (knots eyebrows) Effie?
Ron: Who the hell is Effie?
Peeta: Never mind.
Author: I take it you guys have figured it out.
Draco: You BITCH! You planned this from the start!
Author: Yes Draco, I did. Now- shut up and snog Hermione.
Draco: No! I am NOT kissing Hermione-
(Author begins to type on keyboard and presses shift, and then ENTER.)
Ron: (gets pushed back by Draco as he steps forward) what the-?
(Draco grabs the back of Hermione's head and forces his lips onto hers, makes slight moaning sound as his tongue slips into her mouth.)
Ron: GET OFF HER!
Author: Can't let that happen, Ron. Sorry.
Ron: Yes you can! Stop it now!
Author: Sadly for you, Draco now has the hots for Hermione. He did from the start. I was just slowly planning this out…
Peeta: What the heck am I doing here, then? And where's Katniss?
Author: Oops. Almost forgot about her. Sorry Peeta…
(Author beings to type, presses shift, and then ENTER.)
Katniss: Peeta? Peeta, where are you?
Peeta: Katniss, where are you? I'm right here!
(Katniss steps into view, runs and hugs Peeta.)
Peeta: I've missed you!
Katniss: Where'd you go? I couldn't find you!
Draco: (groaning) oh take your twilight shit and get out…
(Peeta and Katniss look at him, confused.)
Katniss: What's Twilight?
Draco: Consider yourself lucky for not knowing what it is.
Author: Okay, I've decided to spare Ron the thought-
Ron: Oh thank GOD!
Author: - and pair everyone in a crossover, but Draco and Hermione stay the same.
Ron: $%£&!
Draco: What the hell was that?
Ron: She won't let me curse properly.
Draco: Tough shit on you, Weasley.
Author: Okay, Katniss you're with Harry. Draco you're with Hermione and Peeta- you're going to develop the hots for her, too.
Ron: What about me?
Author: You're alone, Ginger.
Hermione: Don't turn me into a Mary Sue, please…
Author: Don't worry, I won't. I promise.
Ron: Please keep this a rated T. I can't stomach a rated M anymore…
Draco: Weasley you should get used to the fact that I'm going to end up shagging Hermione…
Hermione: DRACO!
Draco: What, it's true!
Katniss: What the hell, who are you people?
Harry: I'm Harry Potter, welcome to the Harry Potter fandom. Leave while you still can.
Author: I'm afraid she can't. Not yet, anyway.
Katniss: Don't I get a say in this?
Author: Nope.
Katniss: So Harry, who exactly are you?
Peeta: Oh, not this again. By the way Hermione, you have very nice eyes-
Ron: DEAR GOD NO!
Peeta: What?
Hermione: It's starting…
(Katniss peels herself away from Peeta and runs into Harry's arms)
Katniss: I LOVE YOU, HARRY!
(Ron looks up at Author)
Ron: Okay, that's just cheesy…
Author: Sorry, I had to.
(Silence.)
Draco: What now?
Hermione: I guess we kiss?
Peeta: Hey, what about me?
Draco: What about you, baker boy?
Peeta: when do I get to Kiss Hermione?
Author: Not until Draco dies…
Draco, Hermione, Ron and Harry: WHAT?
Author: Just kidding…
(Door swings open, and pale girl with long curly brown hair and Alice band walks in, dazed and confused.)
Girl: Where am I?
Harry: Who the hell are you?
Girl: I'm Bella, Bella Swan.
Harry: Oh for God's sake!
(Ron faints.)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A/N: Haha! That was SO much fun to write. Unbelievably funny. I couldn't help but laugh the whole way through. Well, this is my first cross-over, and I hope you enjoyed it!
Sophie
X