When did this feeling started to grow? I remembered myself staring at those amber-colored eyes, trying to find a way to his heart. The next thing I knew, he has found his way to mine.
NOTE: This is Antonio's part of the story. It's semi drabble-ish. Sorry for spelling and grammar errors, and my confusing way of writing. Writing this was harder than I imagined… There were moments when things turned out differently from what I was hoping for. So sorry if this sucks…
When the Vargas mansion has been burned down, Feliciano and Lovino Vargas were left orphaned. The younger brother, Feliciano was almost inconsolable. He cried for days, asking for his grandfather, begging not to take his brother away as well. But it was impossible. The Edelsteins took him, while Lovino was left with the Carriedos. And he was destined to live in Austria with his new found family.
Meanwhile, the older brother, Lovino was always the cold one. He had been known for his grumpiness and indiferrence. And he didn't even shed a tear on his grandfather's death. He remained hard-faced while Feliciano was weeping on his chest. He did not even show sadness when he was separated from his brother. Antonio hated it. That blank face. Those empty eyes.
I want to see him sad. I want to see those eyes tobe filled with tears. I want to see them to fall until they run dry.
It was his peculiar wish. He want to break the wall that Lovino has created. He wanted to see the vulnerable child beneath the strong façade.
But Lovino was careful not to let anyone near him, careful not to let anyone get too close to him. Not even Mrs. Carriedo, Antonio knows that. Lovino just chose not to push her away, but he never let her in either. As for the rest, especially Antonio, let's say that Lovino has his own way of making others angry with him.
Antonio doesn't hate his father. In fact, he loves him very much – as much as any son can love their father. But Mr. Carriedo doesn't always show his love for his son. To the point that it became questionable. Perhaps because he really isn't the showy type, unlike Mrs. Carriedo. But nonetheless, Antonio finds himself longing for his father's elusive attention.
And then, Lovino entered the picture. At first, Antonio was very happy to have a younger brother, enough to make him forget his wariness of Lovino. But as soon as Mr. Carriedo started giving Lovino the devotion that Antonio had pursued for the longest of time, he felt himself growing to hate the "outsider."
That's when the father and son started to fall apart.
And Antonio blamed Lovino for this.
He ruined everything.
Antonio loved his toys. He was a child, alright. But they were special. Because they were all from his father, when he was still the only child, the center of his world. Then, Lovino just had to break them. Just like how he stole his father, Lovino just had to take even the memories away.
He ruined everything.
It was frustrating, maddening even. Why does he have to come to their life? Why does he have to turn everything into a mess? They were happy enough without him! He's just a bother. An annoyance. He was better off gone.
He ruined everything. And he's continuing to crush the broken pieces.
"I wish we got Feliciano instead."
He said it without a thought. It's not like he meant it, but he sure did mean it either. At least half of it. He was angry and hurt. And he wants Lovino to be as damaged as he was.
But he wasn't happy that he has succeeded.
"Toño, do you understand the pain you had inflicted the poor boy? He just lost everyone, everything he has! He's still broken! And then you just had to make him feel unwanted. He already feels that without you telling him! No matter how much love and care we give him, it will never return the things he once had, and it's natural not to easily believe that what we are showing him is genuine. It's natural to take time for him to trust us as his family, and you just crumbled everything we tried to build."
Antonio never saw his Mama this angry and disappointed before. But still, he was angry and hurt himself. Why is Lovino getting special treatment? Isn't he the real son here? Why is he being neglected for an mere stranger?
"Lovino just lost everything he has!" His mother's voices echoes inside his head.
Now he's ruined everything Antonio has.
To please his mother, Antonio apologized the next morning to Lovino. He didn't plan to be that embarassed and shaky throughout the process. He just wanted to finish it as quickly as possible, but his nerves were playing pranks on him. He wonders why.
When he looked at Lovino's eyes, he found the forgiveness he didn't sincerely ask for.
They say the eyes are the windows of the soul. Could they also be the doors to the heart?
Antonio found a new fascination on Lovino's eyes. Despite the frowns, the ever irritated demeanor, the Spaniard realized how Lovino's eyes could betray everything. Looking back, when he was thinking how hollow those honey-colored orbs were during his grandfather's death, it must have meant the desolation that the Italian was feeling inside. Somehow, it irks him how he never noticed them before. If he had, things might not have been this bad.
Mrs. Carriedo was right in thinking that everything they had done before has gone to waste. That is why Antonio exerted double-effort to make Lovino feel loved and accepted. Cleaning his room, paying for his clothes, playing with him and always being together. Antonio realized how he looks forward to seeing the sparkle in Lovino's eyes whenever they hang out, the gratefulness he so shyly shows. Before he knew, it isn't just about his want to make Lovino feel wanted. Somehow, he also wants Lovino to accept him. But he'd rather not think about it that time.
"Yer such a feisty little beast aren't ya?" Sadiq growled at Lovino while holding him on the scruff of his neck. "What were ye sayin' awhile ago?"
"Put me down, bastard!"
"No, not that. Did you just call me cu-"
"Don't hurt Lovi, you *insert c-word here*!" Antonio's blood was boiling. Boiling in an anger that he doesn't know where had come from. All he knows is that he doesn't want his brother to get hurt, and he doesn't want that Turkish bastard holding him roughly.
It didn't matter if he had to get dragged home by Francis and Gilbert.
"Oh my, Toño! What happened?" Mrs. Carriedo asked worriedly as she fetched her medicine box. Lovino just watched silently as the mother scold her son while dabbing ointment over his bruises. When Antonio told his mother the story, her expression softened.
"That's so brave of you, Toño. You make your Mama proud. But I don't want you getting hurt again, okay?"
"But I also wounded him, Mama! Even more!"
That very instant, Mr. Carriedo came and asked what happened. The little Spaniard was quite nervous over his father's reaction. But he just received a weird pat in the back.
"Why are you grinning dear?" Mrs. Carriedo asked incredously.
"It's nothing, Mama. I'm just happy."
That night, Lovino invaded his room.
"Hey..."
"Hiya, Lovino~" Antonio welcomed his brother, though he is quite curious as to why he was there.
Antonio watched Lovino walk towards him. The Italian hesitated for a moment, but sighed after a while.
"Does it hurt?" he asked quietly.
"Oh, these... not really, hehehe..." He can't afford to worry Lovino, and make him feel guilty.
Lovino poked his bruised cheek.
"Ay!" the Spaniard winced.
"Don't lie," the Italian said bitterly.
"But I wasn't lying Lovi! It really doesn't hurt~ Well, I was just..." he thought deeply. Come on, brain, give me a valid reason. "Uh, surprised! Yeah, I was surprised when you poked me!" Antonio cheerfully reasoned. He tried to laugh it off but it turned out awkwardly.
"Why did you do it, Antonio?" Lovino avoided his gaze.
"Did what?" was the automatic answer.
The Italian grunted irritatedly. "This! Why did you defend me?"
"Ah... I would always defend you Lovi," Antonio answered solemnly. He sighed and continued while looking outside the window, "Because you are my brother. You and I are brothers," he repeated, as if more to himself.
That's right, they are brothers.
Lovino just gaped at him looking unconvinced. Antonio patted his head, then ruffled his hair. He's just so cute like this.
"H-Hey...!"
"Don't worry Lovi, I'm fine..."
"Wha- Who says I'm worried! Shut up!" and Lovino bolted out of the room, leaving a chuckling Antonio.
He really isn't too honest.
After Lovino's departure, Antonio found himself thinking deeply over the question.
'Why did you do it?'
Why did he do it, really? He can't seem to remember. It seems that his mind went suddenly blank except for the strong desire to remove the Turk's filthy hands off his brother.
His brother.
They were brothers. So… it's only natural to be protective, right?
Right?
Why doesn't it sound too convincing?
Years pass and slowly, they begin to grow. Together, they watch the world change its colors.
"The tomatoes were also good this year, Lovi," Antonio announced as he placed a bowl-full between them. "The music must really helped them grow well."
"Yeah," Lovino murmured while chewing his tomato.
"Play for me, Lovi?"
"No."
"Please?"
"…no."
"Pretty please?"
"…okay fine, just stop whining."
When Lovino's drawing the bow, he looks beautiful. I think there's a very uncaring air around him when he does. Not concerned, as if he was in his very own world. It all comes out naturally. And he looks like he's enjoying every sound that he makes. Aside from the stunning music that he creates, the way he looks while playing is simply breath-taking.
And then that smile of his whenever he finishes a piece. It would have been enough to make any woman fall in love with him.
But I won't allow it. Because there's still many things that they will never know about Lovino, Antonio thought. His scowls, his potty mouth. Oh no, they would think of those as a flaw. They would never understand that those things makes Lovino even more beautiful. Like a delicate pearl, Lovino is just hiding inside the hard shell of his demeanor.
Only I can take that pearl.
He didn't just thought of that.
Lately, Antonio noticed that he is becoming too possessive over Lovino. It's like, he doesn't even want anyone else around his brother. Or he doesn't want the Italian to wander off his sight. That being said, Antonio finds himself tailing Lovino anywhere he goes, whenever he can. Every class they have separated makes Antonio feel anxious of what his brother would be doing with someone else.
They don't know Lovino and how fragile he is. They are bound to hurt him. Antonio cannot let that happen. He must protect Lovino from those people.
That is what he always answers himself whenever he asks why he's feeling that way over his brother.
Which brings us to the point where Antonio and Lovino can no longer be seen without the other. For some, they think that Antonio just takes pity of his brother who doesn't seem to get along with anybody else. Unknown to them is the fact that Antonio enjoys the company perhaps even more than Lovino does.
Those were the happy days.
Ahh, how Antonio loves to see Lovino smile. But some good things never last.
Failed. A single word meant to change everything he had strived for.
Mrs. Carriedo said it was okay, but Antonio noticed how forced her smile looks. Of course it wasn't okay. That scholarship was his only hope for college without needing to make his parents double or triple their already immense amount of work. Mr. Carriedo stopped speaking to him altogether.
It was very hard on Antonio. He didn't want to fail in the scholarship as well, but he felt like everything was blamed on him. It was a great stab on his self-regard. He felt that he lost the ability to do anything right.
"See Antonio, now you know what happens when you mess with my pirate (boats). We will annihilate you!" Arthur said mockingly when Antonio's boats got swallowed by the waves.
Good. Another spectacular way to show how deplorable I am.
Lovino got fed up of the Brit's arrogance and snapped, "Don't get so cocky, you eyebrow bastard! You made it so that the waves are againsta Antonio's fleet!"
"Just suck it up, you bitchy Italian wanker! I still won and your pathetic excuse of a brother ate dust!"
"Why you-"
Before Lovino even made a run to the offender, Antonio had already landed his fist on the shorter blond's cheek. And so the rumble began.
Ahh, there it goes again. The desire to protect. To treasure him.
"Antonio! Why did you have to get into a fight with the Kirkland boy? Your father might lose his job!" Mrs. Carriedo bawled at him. She looks as if she's very close into tears. Antonio couldn't make himself look at his mother's upset face.
"The Bonnefoys seem interested with Lovino," Mr. Carriedo said from the corner. Suddenly, Mrs. Carriedo shot a reproachful glance at her husband and quickly shooed Lovino away. When sure that the Italian was out of the earshot, he continued grumbling, "I'm planning to let them adopt him."
"He's not someone you can just give, Papa!" snapped Antonio.
"We can barely afford your college education, we will just entrust him to the people who can take care of him better!" Mr. Carriedo snarled back.
"He's not like a puppy that we can just give to anyone else! He's a family!"
"You don't understand anything! You're just a boy, what do you know about a family?"
"All I know is that family stick together no matter what! Unlike you, I cherish that!"
Mrs. Carriedo returned to witness his husband punch Antonio on the cheek.
"Why can't you understand? With our current state we can only afford one son to support!" Mr. Carriedo beseeched his son.
"Then choose Lovino, Papa. He needs you more than I need you. Give me one week, and I'm no longer your son."
"Why are you doing this?"
Why? Antonio thought. The pounding in his chest was screaming the answer to him.
"Because I love him. I love Lovino."
The answer has always been there.
"You… you don't know what you're putting yourself into. Either way, you'll really have to leave. You can't even live together anymore. God won't allow that. I won't allow that."
Mr. Carriedo glared at his son. Sensing conviction, he turned away.
"But you have to return," Mr. Carriedo added in a whisper only Antonio could hear.
Mrs. Carriedo quickly approached Antonio.
"Antonio, you didn't mean what you said, right? You wouldn't leave us? You wouldn't leave Mama, right?" she begged her son. "Right?" Antonio just buried his face on his neck and cried.
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry."
After calming down, Antonio went to Gilbert and Francis.
"This is sudden, but I'm running away from home."
"What?" Gilbert asked.
"Why?" Francis asked, simultaneously with Gilbert.
"I have to. Or else they'll have Lovino taken away," by this part, Antonio glared at Francis. The Frenchman scoffed.
"So, what are your plans?"
"What plans?"
The other two raised an eyebrow each.
"Where will you go? What about college?" Gilbert probed.
"College is the last of my worries. I guess I'll just have to work."
"It doesn't work that way, mon cher. You're barely of age. You'll better be at a fine university."
"Don't you understand? My primary concern would be how to live away from home!" Antonio said, irritated.
Francis just tutted. "You're forgetting that you're good friends with moi."
And so, it was decided that through Francis's extra allowance, he would pay for Antonio's expenses in the same dorm-school that he and Gilbert would be going to and the Spaniard can just pay him once he got a job. Antonio was beyond grateful of his filthy rich friend. ("Hey, what about me? I'm your awesome moral supporter!" Gilbert lamented.)
Then they decided to go drinking for their eternal friendship.
"So, Antoine, mon ami, tell frere about your feelings for our pretty Italian boy," Francis purred.
"Huh? What are you talking about? We're just brothers…" Antonio, not feeling ready to talk about the issue, feigned indifference.
"Ohonhonhon, that's not what it looks to me. The way you look at him, dear Antoine, is that of someone who is in love."
Antonio almost choked on his drink.
"That's not true…"
"Kesesese, I agree with Franny with that!" Gilbert exclaimed after downing his mug of beer. "Yo, bartender! Another mug!" ("We are not in a bar, mon ami, there's no such thing as a bartender here.")
"See? It's quite obvious, really…"
"But I don't understand, it shouldn't be that way!" Maybe it was the wine talking but he was talking loudly now. Antonio's heart was beating so fast that he was afraid it might escape his chest. Why are they taking things so lightly?
"Ohhh, you don't have to understand l'amour, silly. It's a very curious thing."
"But we're brothers," the Spaniard said throatily.
"You can't be two things at the same time," Francis said. "You'll have to choose."
Why did the idea of being lovers seem so perfect in my head?
"But really, Antonio, you'll have to choose wisely. Or you might lose everything."
I already know that.
That conversation was left forgotten afterwards. As well as the idea in Antonio's head.
That same night, Antonio decided to tell Lovino about his departure.
"Why?" Lovino simply asked.
"Well, Franny, Gilbert and I decided that we will go to the same dorm-school in France," he explained, trying to sound cheerful.
"Is that so," Lovino said shortly. It seems that he is not interested a bit about the Spaniard's parting. It stabbed Antonio a bit but he set that aside.
"I'll always write you letters Lovi," he cooed. So you'll remember that I remember you.
"Okay."
"And I'll miss you everyday." And I hope you'll remember me, too.
"If you'll miss me, then why are you leaving?" the Italian snarled, revealing his unease. Antonio's expression softened.
He can't answer that. Especially when he doesn't want to hurt Lovino.
"I'm sorry, Lovi…" I'm sorry for loving you.
How many times has Antonio said sorry that time? He couldn't remember. All he knows is that 'sorry' is just a word. It didn't changed reality whatsoever.
Everything is still wrong. Everything is still broken. He still has to leave.
Throughout the three years of being away from home, Antonio barely made it through. Once in a while, he would feel so regretful of the decision he made, he longs for the warmth in their house.
But it's no longer your home.
There were also times when he would imagine if Lovino didn't barge into their life, where would he be at the moment? The mere thought made him even lonelier.
If everything didn't happen, then I wouldn't have known the most beautiful man in the world. He might have ruined somethings that I thought were precious, but he created even better things to treasure.
At nights when he can't sleep in the cold bed, in the mornings when he's rather be one with the sheets, and in the afternoons when his feet wants to drag him back to Spain, he would read Lovino's letters. It was his only relief when the world becomes too cruel and painful to stand. He would read them, reread them until he memorized each word, wishing at least a part of Lovino is there with him to ease his sufferings.
But it's wrong. This is so wrong. I have to forget about this feelings.
Three years… three long years to forget Lovino. To forget that he loves him.
Three years was such a long time. But somehow, he managed to survive.
On his last letter, Lovino mentioned that they might be fetching him from the dorm school. At last, after three long years, he would see Lovino! And of course, his Mama.. and Papa. Did he change? Of course he would have. It's been three years after all.
Did he become the fine man that Antonio imagined him to be? He would be stunning. The ladies probably swoon over him. But Antonio wouldn't want to think of that. He never mentioned having a girlfriend (or a boyfriend)in any of his letters so at least, Antonio hoped, that he haven't got one. But if he did… nah, Antonio can't bring himself to see that.
"I think they are here," Francis commented as a red mini-cooper stopped in front of them.
But he didn't need to be told, because in an instant, he caught himself looking on those golden orbs. God, Lovino was gorgeous, not different from what Antonio imagined him to be. He was so enthralled… that all the conviction he had these past three years seem to crumble.
Why does he have to be so beautiful?
He averted his eyes from the forbidden and caught the sight of his father. The man knew where Antonio's eyes had rested for a short while, and perhaps he had seen the look of l'amour that Francis has been talking about.
It has been three years. If nothing has changed, nothing would. There was an unspoken understanding as he nodded at his son and motioned the rest to the car.
"He was really eager to fetch you, you know? He really missed you," Mrs. Carriedo whispered to his son. "Oh, and of course Lovino…" she added off-handedly and skipped into the car.
The pounding in Antonio's chest was really hard. But he doesn't dislike it.
Ah. I'm nervous. I wonder how much have changed.
After his fail attempts to try to strike a conversation with Lovino in the car, Antonio became more edgy around him. Everything seems so awkward. It's like every move must be refined, because he feels like if he got too close, he would realize that everything was just a dream (like the dreams he always had when he was in dorm school) and he would have to wake up.
"No worries, Lovi! I can manage!" he hastily said when the boy approached him.
"Shut up!" Lovino snapped.
And so he did.
"I... I-I m-mi... I m-mean..." Now he's stuttering, how cute.
Lovino looked up to see the Spaniard staring intently at him. Antonio couldn't help it.
"I m-missed you too," Lovino finally said. "Bastard," he added. Antonio can't almost stop himself from cooing at the charming boy.
He patted Lovino's head and then ruffled his hair, earning an annoyed "H-Hey..!" from the little Italian which he brushed off with a chuckle.
"You've grown," he solemnly said.
Somehow, it saddens me that I wasn't there to watch his line of vision become closer to mine.
"Of course I've grown, you retard." Lovino growled. "What else would I have been doing these past three years?"
"Uhhm," Antonio hummed playfully. "You could be, hmmm, praying, cooking, tending our garden or, let's say, writing letters~"
"Wr-Writing letters?" the Italian flinched.
"That's right, writing letters. Like, ehem, 'Dear Antonio, I've received your last postcard, alright. Its really cold here right now, but I guess it's colder there, right? Don't get sick or else- gyahhh!" Antonio gagged he felt fingers snuck up his nostrils.
"S-Stop it, stop it right now, you b-bastard...!" Lovino shakily warned.
"But it's funny~"
"SHUT UP! It's embarassing! Why'd you have to memorize all those crap!"
"Ohh! How d'you know I memorized everything?" Antonio asked, thrilled. He's really fun to tease.
"Damn it! It was a rhethorical question! S-SO, you actually-?"
"Yep! And I kept it with me all the time~"
"No, don't. Throw them away. Burn them!"
"But Lovi-"
"I don't care... Burn them! Or I would!"
"What about my postcards Lovi, did you keep them?"
Oh, I wish he did. I wish he read and reread them like I did.
"Food's ready dears!" Mrs. Carriedo called from the kitchen. This stopped the bickering of the stepbrothers but suddenly they realized their compromising position. That is, Lovino still has his fingers shoved up the Antonio nose and Antonio grabbing Lovino's face.
Simultaneously, the two removed their hands from the other, and Lovino wiped his fingers in the Spaniard's shirt.
"Ewww..."
"Shut up, I should be the one grossed out!"
"But you did it on purpose~"
"I did not!"
"You look like a tomato~" Antonio cooed even more.
"I don't!"
Then the Spaniard laughed. Laughed real hard.
"H-Hey... why so sudden?"
"Cause it's funny! You never fail to amuse me, Lovi."
"I don't feel a bit honored," the boy said dryly.
"But really... I was very nervous that things between us would be so different after all these years... So," Antonio glanced at Lovino, smiling. "Thank you... for making me feel at home, that is."
"Toño! Lovino! Food's waiting!" Mrs. Carriedo called again.
Antonio walked to the door. "Come on Lovi, I've missed Mama's cooking."
"Toni."
He looked back.
"Welcome home, bastard," Lovino said, grinning. Somehow, Antonio could feel his blushing reflects Lovino's.
Ah. I'm at home, at last.
Antonio tried, honestly tried to forget about hin love for Lovino. He wouldn't have returned home if he hadn't. He wouldn't have been able to face his father… But he knows that it was a vain attempt. Those three years weren't enough to crush his feelings. And now that Lovino proved to be really stunning, the feelings that he tried to slay just came rushing back. And it's even more intense than before.
It's wrong. It's wrong. It's wrong.
"Why are you still awake, kid?" Antonio flinched at the raspy growl of his father from behind him. He can't sleep so he was trying to cool his head off first on the garden. He never expected his father to come and accompany him.
"I'm just - er - trying to make myself sleepy."
"Hmmm… remember when I told you that you'll have to return?"
Antonio did. It was the very first time that Antonio felt that he father truly loves him.
"You returned too early," Mr. Carriedo huffed. Antonio realized that his father is talking about his still unsorted feelings for the Italian.
"…I'm sorry."
"Your mother and your brother had too much of your apology for these past three years. I'm not allowing you to make them any sadder."
He felt guilty.
"You'll have to leave again."
"Y-Yeah."
"But this time, you have to bring everything you failed to take with you before."
Antonio glanced at his father, only to find his back disappearing in the darkness of the night. He felt warm behind his eyes. As the tears fall, he felt most grateful and lucky to have the greatest father in the world.
"What do you mean you're moving out again?" Gilbert increduously asked.
"Weren't you happy to be reunited with your family? With Lovino?" Francis inquired.
"I am most happy, of course. But it's not yet time for me to return home."
"Did you get kicked out again? Man, your old man really hates you."
"Nah. It's not like that. He even told me that I can bring everything I left before."
"Cool. That man's off his rocker, alright."
"So you're going to take Lovino with you, mon cher?"
"Y-Yeah."
"Do you think he'll come?"
Oh. I didn't think of that.
"Stop being so negative, Franny. I'm sure Lovino would want to live with Antonio, as well."
"I-I'll try asking him."
I'm so stupid. I've forgotten about the most essential part!
Lovino and Antonio are brothers. They have been brothers for more or less six years. And even though Antonio had loved Lovino for some time now, it doesn't mean that the Italian would readily love him back. He doesn't even know if Lovino swings that way! He'd have to be careful or else Lovino might hate him forever.
That's what you get for jumping to conclusions.
It's decided then. He has to act normal. He need not rush everything, and risk Lovino being disgusted with him. Besides, wasn't he contented with the way they were before? That's right. It has been enough for Antonio to be Lovino's older brother. Whether or not Lovino would return his feelings is not significant. What's important is that the two of them can be together now. Even if that means that they will just and always be brothers.
I don't want to lose him. Again.
One morning, Antonio found Lovino holding a letter.
"Hey, what's that?"
"Letter from the university," Lovino answered in a small voice. His hands were trembling as he reads the mail. Antonio joined him in his reading.
"Culinary scholarship… Woah! Isn't that nice? Congratulations!"
The Italian blushed. "T-Thanks…"
"That school, it's in the city, right? I'm planning to rent an apartment near the city, you know!"
"What? You're moving out again!" Lovino asked loudly that Antonio was speechless for a moment.
"But I'll ask you to move out with me Lovi," Antonio announced cheerfully. Great, he now has a good reason to take Lovino with him. However, the Italian just gaped at his announcement. Uh-oh.
"But only if y-you want t-to!" He added hastily and tried to laugh it off. In the end, he didn't get Lovino's approval (or disapproval) for that matter.
That was close.
For the next few days, Antonio tried to be more cautious around Lovino. Sometimes, he even tries to recall how he used to treat his little brother. However, despite his efforts to act natural, there still comes a few slips. Somehow, some things just don't seem to be the way they were before.
"Hey Lovi, are you free on Saturday?" Antonio asked casually. They were watching the television together.
"Why?"
"Well, there are still many catching ups that we have to do, you know! So, let's go on a date!"
Lovino face instantly glowed red.
"Don't call it a d-date, dammit!"
"Why not?" Antonio pouted. Ah, this is fun.
"It just sounds so wrong!" Lovino spat.
"Why? We're brothers. We'll just have a simple brotherly date, silly," he said nonchalantly..
But Lovino was still flushed. How cute.
"Or... don't you want a simple brotherly date?" he asked Lovino huskily, his face inches from the boy.
Lovino just reddened even further. Antonio realized at once that he had crossed the line again. He withdrew himself very quickly.
"Heh! I was just kidding! Of course you wouldn't even think about that, right Lovino? Aha ha ha," his laugh sounding very silly. He noticed the Italian cringe.
"Y-Yeah. Of course, n-not..." he looked away.
Calm down. It's just been three years. Our brother relationship can still be re-found. It will return for sure. And then… things will come back to how they were.
Antonio heard a familiar whistling as he was saying his goodbyes to his pupils. He felt his heart skip a beat and he quickly searched for the source of the melody.
"Lovi!"
Lovino turned to look at him. He looks very restless to say the least.
"Good to see you, where have you been?"
"The post office," he answered curtly.
"Oh, so you finally got your letter?" Now it's Antonio's turn to be a bit uneasy. Lovino was waiting for a reply of another school. If he chose that other school, his plans of living together would be gone.
"N-No," he said quietly. "I haven't."
"Ohhh, then it's settled then," Antonio cheerfully announced.
"Huh? What's settled?" Lovino asked, puzzled.
"You will be taking the culinary scholarship, right? After all, it's already a good choice~"
Lovino gawked at him for a moment. He has to remain smiling… "Maybe..."
"That's great, Lovi. You see, the apartment I've found is near your college so it will be nice to move out with me~" he said excitedly.
"What?"
"Haven't I told you? I've found an apartment. Well, actually, a parent offered that place to me, so..."
Antonio droned on and on while Lovino seem to be thinking deeply.
"I know, let's visit the place on our date!"
"I haven't said I agreed yet!" the Italian suddenly snapped.
Oh.
"But yeah fine, I'm going with you, then I'll decide!" Lovino added hastily.
Antonio was very glad. His dream of living with Lovino is becoming clearer. How he wished that the days would run quicker until the time they move together.
But it was still Thursday. And there is still a Friday after that. But oh well, he had waited for three years for this. Three more days won't do him any harm.
That afternoon, he found a familiar Italian hiding in the bushes.
"Hey Lovi, what are you doing here?" he asked from behind Lovino.
"Chigyyyaaa!" Lovino shrieked.
A couple of minutes later, the Italian finally calmed down.
"So... you just passed by here again when you come home from the post office to see if there's a letter for you already," Antonio repeated Lovino's expalanation to himself.
"Y-Yeah, right."
"Okay~ so, since you're already here, let's go home together! I'm just waiting for Little Luke's sister to go and fetch him anyways," Antonio cheerfully said as he pointed the boy sitting on the swing.
"Okay..."
"So, Lovi, what do you want to talk about?"
He wanted to act casual. The Italian seem hesitating for a moment though.
"Well... Tell me, how did you choose your college course?"
Antonio never expected the question. But he has an answer though.
"I really love children, Lovi. But it's not like I've always had. You just made me realize that hidden part of me," Antonio answered serenely. It was true. The moment he arrived at the school in France, his course made him remember Lovino so he chose it instantly.
"Huh? But how?"
"You became my brother, that's how," he said. Then he paused for a bit to reminisce. "You made me want to protect you, to nurture you, to care for you. And the next thing I know, I was craving for that duty. Which makes me what I am now."
"Thats-" Lovino seems speechless at that.
"I bet they like you very much," Lovino finally said in a small voice, his ears redenning faster than the traffic lights.
But Antonio was also blushing. Somehow, it felt like Lovino is saying that he liked Antonio very much. "T-Thanks..."
"Antonio," a sweet voice suddenly called. They both turned to see a woman with a cat-grin.
"Bella, hola!" Antonio greeted politely.
"These are some leftover cakes from Luke's birthday last night, so, please take it," she handed him a cute basket.
"Wow, thanks~"
"I'll be taking Luke home, now. Thank you for your hard work," she bowed politely.
"It's my pleasure," Antonio swiftly brushed it off.
"By the way, Daan would be fetching Luke tomorrow."
"Is that so," Antonio was a bit disappointed. He was hoping not to see the Dutchman again.
"Oh, see you on Saturday, then," and she finally waved goodbye.
Lovino was silent all the while Bella was there.
"She's pretty and nice," Lovino finally supposed.
"Yeah, but she already has a boyfriend," Antonio quickly said, emphasizing the last word. Oh no. Is Lovino taking interest with her? Antonio suddenly felt furious.
"Well, that's really given," Lovino said dismissively. "But why are you seeing her on Saturday?" Tsk. Is he being jealous of Antonio?
"We'll be seeing her Lovi," the Spaniard corrected. "She's the one who offered the apartment," he explained.
"Oh. Okay."
They walked home together but both was careful to avoid the issue.
I thought I can stay loving him only as a brother. But I can't. Imagining him with another person is painful. It hurts.
Friday come and go without Lovino passing on the Day Care Center. Antonio can help but feel like there's something wrong.
His agitation lasted until Saturday that he woke up earlier than usual. He glanced at his wall clock and read, 7:02. He can no longer go back to sleep, might as well get up. As he walks to the door, he noticed his guitar. It remained of good condition even after three years. It makes him happy that Lovino took a good care of it for him.
When he walked out the door, he saw Lovino come out of his room as well.
"Yo, Lovi... good morning," Antonio greeted.
"Yeah, morning," Lovino greeted back lazily. "What's with the guitar early in the morning?"
"Oh, this?" Antonio gave him a toothy grin. "I'm going to our tomato garden."
It's been three years since Antonio watched and listened to Lovino's music. He guess he must brace himself to fall in love all over again.
Antonio remembered himself always wanting to watch lovino as he engages himself with music. He remembered thinking how beautiful he was when he draws the bow. He remembered him adoring Lovino's smile.
And then he remembered how he wished to see Lovino cry when he first saw him. How he hated that empty expression on his face. Now that he thinks about it, maybe he didn't actually want to see his crying face. Maybe he just wanted to see an expression, an emotion on his blank face back then.
Why though? Why would he want that?
Maybe I was in love with him for longer than I had supposed. Maybe I was already in love with him back then.
When they finished their piece, Mrs. Carriedo invited then for breakfast. After they finished their meal, Lovino asked the strangest question.
"Say, Antonio."
"Hmmm..."
"Why did you choose the dorm-school?"
He felt his breathing got hitched and Mrs. Carriedo also become a bit rigid.
"Erm... Let's talk about this later okay, Lovi? I'll just have a quick shower before we head out," he avoided his questioning gaze and quickly walked off to the bathroom.
As soon as he closed the door, he slammed his fist on the wall of the shower.
I was hoping to forget that issue forever. He need not have to know…
When they arrived at the apartment, Antonio was glad to see Lovino open-mouthed and amazed.
"Wow, Antonio, this place is beautiful."
Knowing lovino and his perfectionsit nature, Antonio seeked the help of Francis to decorate the place elegantly. It also helped that the area was at the heart of the city, giving beautiful views on the windows. It was worth every penny.
"So, you really want it here?"
"Yes!" he breathed lovingly. "But why are you asking me the question? Aren't you be the one living here?"
"Haven't I asked you to move in with me?" he pushed his luck.
"Uhm, well, about that..." Lovino fidgeted. He seemed to be thinking deeply. Antonio felt a bit nervous as well.
"So, about the dorm-school, Antonio," Lovino hastily changed the subject. Now, Antonio felt fully tense.
"Y-Yeah, what ab-bout it?"
"So, I talked with Francis y-yesterday..."
"Ah..."
So that's what made him dig the issue. I have to make sure to show Franny my gratefulness.
Feeling that he no longer needs to hide anything, Antonio sighed and talked.
"I run away from home that time, Lovino."
"W-What-? Why?" Lovino was obviously shocked at the declaration. Antonio tried to search for an answer. As mush as he hates to remember that heated argument with his father, Lovino is waiting for his response.
"I can't stand Papa any longer, so... that's why..."
Lovino looked unconvinced.
"And so, right now, I'm freeloading at the house. I guess it can't be helped. But I'll be moving, say, next week and it will be running away from home for real," Antonio simply said. He doesn't have to tell Lovino everything, does he?
"It makes no sense..."
He huffed in irritation. Lovino is being too prying.
"It does, Lovino. I had to be disowned by that damned bastard or else...!" He paused, he had said too much. Mierda.
"Or else what?" He's not really giving up.
Antonio stared at him pleadingly. Stop it now, Lovi. Please. You wouldn't want to know. You wouldn't have to know.
"Good morning," Bella suddenly arrived. Antonio never felt happy to see the girl before. He ceremoniously turned his back to Lovino. "Hola, Bella~"
He could feel Lovino glaring at them. Was he angry because Antonio didn't answer him? Or was he angry because Antonio is talking to Bella alone? Whatever the reason is, he still can't bring himself to look back at the Italian.
But Bella didn't have all day. And she left quickly too. Antonio turned to see Lovino who seems paler than usual. He got worried.
"Are you feeling alright? You look awful," he said as he placed a hand over the younger's forehead."You don't feel that warm..."
"We're brothers, right?" Lovino suddenly whispered. Antonio felt his heart sink a little but it doesn't matter.
"Of c-course! Why d'you ask?"
"You like us being brothers..."
"Absolutely, I can't imagine not being with my little brother~" Antonio tenderly said. His hand found its way to Lovino's hair. He patted it. But he can't help but feel the sudden coldness of the atmosphere.
"But why d'you ask?" Antonio couldn't stop the question. Even if he dreads the answer.
"'C-Cause, I also like b-being your b-brother," Lovino said chokingly.
Antonio's mind suddenly went blank.
"We will be like we were before," Lovino continued. "Like these three years never happen," Antonio saw the plea in Lovino's eyes.
"O-Of course...!" was all he could say.
"Then," Lovino sniffed. "That's good. All is well..."
He shouldn't make his brother feel uneasy. This is his answer to his feelings. So he must accept it.
"Lovino."
Lovino stared at Antonio.
"You'll always be the same to me. Whether its three years... four, or another six," Antonio assured him. "We will always be brothers," he added, more to himself.
You will always be the same to me. And I will always love you like I did six years ago.
The next week passed with them moving their things little by little. Every afternoon after Antonio's work, the two of them would bring their cardboard boxes to the apartment. Antonio felt happy. He was still hurt but he is happy.
And he haven't noticed the significant look that Mrs. Carriedo was giving him.
When Friday arrived, lovino was earlier than usual to fetch him in the Day Care Center. He can't help but feel glad that Lovino seem to look forward to their moving out as much as he is. When he came to him, he saw the Italian grinning.
"Oh hi there, Lovi," Antonio greeted him. "Why are you grinning?"
The Italian must not have noticed that he was until Antonio pointed it out. He quickly morphed his usual scowl murmuring, "Nothing, bastard."
He's so cute when he's embarassed.
Antonio brushed off the thought.
They decided to eat first.
During the meal, Antonio talked animatedly to Lovino. He noticed how apprehensive Lovino looked a while ago, so he tried to erase the unease by chattering away. However, he can't help but notice how Lovino was staring at him. He got nervous. He felt his heart pounding in his chest. Why can't his feelings take a break even just for a night?
When did this feeling started to grow? I remembered myself staring at those amber-colored eyes, trying to find a way to his heart. The next thing I knew, he has found his way to mine.
Antonio found something in the Italian's eyes. Something he had never seen before. Something that he might have worn whenever he was looking at Lovino.
"Stop staring at me, Lovino. Or else I can't restrain myself any longer."
Lovino blanched. He looked down in shame. Antonio felt his heart break.
On their way to the apartment, Lovino was a step behind.
"Lovi, stop crying," Antonio said as he faced the Italian, wrapping him in an embrace. "I didn't came back to you to make you cry.
"These feelings, I will never deny them. For a moment, I want to show them to you, even if it's not right.
"No one will ever know, because we are brothers," he whispered, trying to stop Lovino's weeping.
"Antonio," Lovino held his cheeks to face him. Antonio saw his vision become blurry. "For one moment, please... let me want you. And please… want me."
Antonio let his tears fall as he planted his lips over Lovino's.
Only for now…
I seized his hair with my hands and kissed him. I slid my tongue in his willing mouth as I felt his hands seize my hair, too. He squeezed me, kissed me back, kissed me hard. He nipped my lips and our tongues danced in in passion, in desire.
I never knew that I was waiting for this kiss all along, until now. Suddenly, I felt myself rushing back to the first time I met him. That vulnerable child I so wanted to protect with all my might. That beatiful boy I so wanted to know better, deeper. This kiss had been lost in our innocence, because we are yet to know what love had meant. And now, here it is. And now, we are sharing it.
I kissed him with all my strength and with all I had.
I took off his clothes mildly and lay him down. I gazed at the body beneath me, and admired his magnificence. He was perfect, he was all I could hope for and I want him so bad. I entered him with both strength and tenderness that I could muster, hoping that he felt with every thrust how I love him, how I desire him, how I want to live forever with him. How I want to throw all of the world for him.
I held him close, making sure that this is all real, that I wasn't just dreaming to wake up back in the dorm school where he wasn't around. I whispered incomprehensible words to him in all the languages I know as we were both thrown into throes of pleasure and madness.
We reached our peak together, fluttered down together. We were both smiling, we were both happy that finally, we were one.
It was… wonderful.
When Antonio woke up, he didn't find the Italian beside him. All he found was a letter addressed to him. After reading the letter, he felt his knees weaken and he fell down. But no tears formed in his eyes this time. He couldn't even bring himself to cry.
Because this time, no one would wipe them for him.