Okay, so this is a major crackship pairing- stupid, smutty, violent, humorous one-shot that I wrote to try and alleviate my writer's block.

It's kind of meant to tease some of the smut writers who act like sex is so… sexy and scripted.

Enjoy my parody! Or hate. Whatever. : )

Vann

Eli swung the door open dramatically, revealing his skin tight, super-sexy Batman thong to his eager lover.

"Wow, Mr. Goldsworthy… I never knew that you could be so…" He licked his lips delightfully before taking his young piece of meat into his arms and ravishing his neck with hungry kisses. "sexy…"

"Well, Mr. Simp-"

"Call me Snake." He winked before unbuckling his belt and ripping off his jeans. He revealed his equally sexy and tight Batman thong and turned to the side, showing off his bulgy penis bulge to the under-aged lover. "Do you like my snake?"

Eli growled and groped the old man's ding-a-ling through his silky thong before leading him over to the bed.

"I'm a butt virgin." Eli stated hesitantly, "So I bought this wax-based lubricant." He reached into his thong and pulled out a bottle of White Lightening Clean Ride Wax lube and winked all sexy-like at his principal.

"This is bike lube." Snake stated with excitement. "I guess that means I go in dry." He threw Eli to the bed and bit down on one of his nips, real hard and sexy-like.

"Ouch! That hurt… Like, a lot. Ooo…. Keep going."

Snake pulled out his 12-inch dong and smacked Eli in the face with it a few times before sticking it in his ear.

"Fuck… your ears are so tight." Snake groaned.

"I need you… in…. my anus." Eli whined.

Eli took off his thong and Snake flipped him over onto his knees. He placed his large member at Eli's bum-hole.

"Brace yourself, kid. It's gonna be a long ride." Snake stated before thrusting forward and pretty much breaking Eli's butt.

"OH MY FUCK OUCH GOD FUCKING OW IT HURTS SO BAD I THINK IM GOING TO DIE." Eli screamed loudly for the first 50 minutes. Eventually, his endocrine system kicked in and sent some major pain-relieving hormones to the sight of poor Eli's anus.

After the copious amounts of serotonin and stuff, Eli started to enjoy his anal intrusion.

"Eli, your bum feels good around my wiener."

"Snake, your sausage is welcome into my buns any time."

"I'm…. gonna… jizzzzz." Snake yelled before releasing at least 4 gallons of sperm into Eli's rectum.

Eli spewed his own baby gravy all over the bed sheets of the cheap motel.

His phone started vibrating on the table next to him and he grabbed it, out of breath.

"Hello? … Oh, hey Clare… Yeah, I'm fine… Just got done with a run… Yeah, I love you too… Okay, bye."

Eli smirked as he hung up the phone before comfortably collapsing on a puddle of his own semen and spooning with his principal as man-gravy seeped out of his innermost parts.

Was that not the most disturbing thing you've ever read?

Yeah.

I know.

Vann