In My Life

a Dash companion (fourth in the Life series)

And I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before. . .

But in my life
I've loved you more

-In My Life, Crosby Stills & Nash

Castle gets another text from Alexis but he can't answer it just yet. He forwards it to Kate, hopes she understand that someone needs to get in touch with his daughter.

He shoves the phone down into his pocket and straightens up in his chair, trying to look like he's paying attention. He's been promising Gina he would do this meet and greet thing for the last three months, and Kate has finally forced him to honor his agreement.

"Mr. Castle, here's Cooper West with-"

Castle stands, shakes the man's hand. "Yeah, yeah. I remember you. Thanks for coming."

The journalist nods to the handler, glances over to Castle with a smile. "Thank you for doing this. I hear it was like pulling teeth to get you away from your family?"

Castle chuckles at that, sits back down as he offers the man a seat. "Something like that."

"Ah, is the family off the table?"

Is it? Kate's been the one to push them further into the spotlight lately, but he's not sure how comfortable he is with it. "Feel free to ask questions, so long as you don't mind if I don't answer some."

Cooper nods, pulls out his recorder and places it on the table between them. "First of all. The book. Pretty intense. The Carver?"

Beckett puts her hands on her hips as she studies the board, chewing on her bottom lip. Castle is at some press relations thing and . . .she. . .is . . .stuck.

So not fair. He might not be a regular in his chair anymore, but she can always rely on him for a crazy theory. Just not today.

"Ryan, what about-"

Oh crap. She pulls her phone out and glances at it, another text from Castle about Alexis. She should really call their daughter, if it's this many in the last hour. Why isn't Alexis texting Kate though? Surely the girl knows she can text her for anything?

"What, boss?"

She glances up, surprised to find Ryan at her three. "Uh. Oh, yeah. Can you get Esposito and run down the boyfriend? I wanna talk to him again."

"Yeah, sure."

"I need to make a call, so come find me when you get back."

"Got it." Ryan heads off, snagging Esposito who has just come out of the break room with a mug of coffee. Beckett runs her hand over her stomach, smoothing her shirt as she glances at her phone and the text Castle forward her:

I don't know what to do. It's all a mess. I need Mom.

Castle takes a break at two and shakes the hand of the journalist as he leaves. The room is stuffy, but Castle opens up a bottle of water and takes a sip just as his phone vibrates. He pulls it out and sees her ID, answers immediately.

"Hey babe."

"Don't babe me," she huffs.

"You sound rushed. What's up?" At the window, he takes another swig of his water and glances out over the city, hoping to spot a landmark he knows. But he can't see the apartment from here, or the precinct. There's the park though.

"I'm - well, Castle - I'm getting on a plane in two hours."

"You what?" he sputters. Water soaks his dress shirt and he sighs down at himself. "What do you mean? You're getting on a plane?"

"Yeah. I called my dad to pick up Dash if you can't-"

"I can. I will. Whoa, wait. That's like in an hour. Kate. Why are you leaving?"

She laughs lightly over the line, a barely suppressed hum to her voice. "Not leaving, Castle. Alexis and Ashley broke up. I'm heading out to Chicago."

"But you're six months pregnant."

"So? And it's barely just."

He shuts his mouth. "Okay. Um. All right. I'll pick up Dash; we'll have guy's night. Week?"

"I don't know how long, Rick. Until Alexis feels okay again."

"She breaks up with Ashley every other month-"

"This time it's for good."

He sighs, rubs his forehead as he stares out the window. "Okay. I - I'll miss you. Both."

"You'll be fine. You and Dash will wreck the place and eat marshmallow omelette things and-"

"Smorelettes, babe. They have a name."

"You babe me one more time and I'm in Chicago for the rest of the week."

He gasps. "You wouldn't." She's absolutely silent on the other end. "You would?"

"I'm kinda kidding, but actually. If Alexis needs me-"

"No, yeah. Yeah. Stay with my kid. I'll stay with yours."

She laughs on the other end and he grins into the blue sky outside the conference room window. She sounds good. She sounds happy even if rushed. He likes that.

"Hey, how's Baby K?"

He can practically hear her soften on the other end. "She's quiet today."

"No hiccups?"

"Not today," she hums. "But you want me to call you if they happen again without you?"

"Don't rub it in," he sighs. He's missed the hiccups every single time.

"All right, Rick. Don't forget Dash. I'm getting a cab to the airport."

"Bye, babe."

"Uh-huh."

Dashiell does his little duck walk as he comes out of his classroom, his backpack hitting his butt as he heads down the hall. Castle peeks around the corner to watch his kid, keeping himself hidden as the boy clutches the straps of his bag and talks animatedly with the blonde girl next to him.

It's not entirely all in English. But that's okay. Seems to work for him.

"Hey, my man."

Dash's head perks up and he grins widely, then comes running for his father, arms out, head butting Castle's knees. "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy."

"Hey there, Dashiell. Did you have a good day?"

Dash's face comes up from his father's slacks, a split-faced smile under his thick hair. "Good day! All mine good days."

Castle bends down and cups the back of the kid's head, kisses his cheek. "All right, my man. Ready to head home? Got the car outside."

"Play batman, Daddy."

"Sure, we can play Batman."

"And spidey."

"And Spiderman."

"And-"

"We'll make a list," he laughs, moving the kid towards the front door. Dash is off-balanced by the backpack, but Castle knows that if he takes it off, the kid will go running. Best to keep him off-balanced.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah, buddy?" He holds the door open for Dashiell, and herds him down the steps to the waiting town car.

"I can have toast?"

"For snack? Sure. Tote all around."

Dash skips through the parking lot, tugging on his father's hand. "Yay! Tote! I say toast. But I say tote before."

"You did. And Mommy and I thought it was cute, so we keep saying it. Probably shouldn't do that, right?"

"Where Mommy? She workin'?"

"She went to go visit Alexis."

"My Issis?"

"Yeah. In Chicago, remember? She got on a plane and is flying to Chicago."

"I can have nutella on my toast?" Dashiell bounces on his toes as he waits by the back door. The driver has started to get out, but Castle waves him off and opens the door himself, helps Dash up.

"We'll have nutella on our toast, yep."

"How 'bout marshy-mellows?"

"Yeah, kiddo. You can have those. Mommy thought you'd want some, so she gave us permission in advance."

"Permish. In vans."

"Sure."

Castle closes the door on both of them, hoists the kid into the car seat before helping Dash shrug off his backpack. It costs extra to get the car service to also provide the car seat, but Kate only rolls her eyes and gets back at him by taking the kid on the subway. Fine. Whatever.

"Daddy, where Mommy?"

"In Chicago, remember? We can call her in a little while."

"Okay. Toast and nutella and marshy-mellows, and oooh, Daddy!"

Castle grins at the sudden delight in the kid's voice, glances up at his face as he clicks the safety restraint into place. "Yeah, wild man? What is it?"

"You get me stories."

"I can what?"

"All mine stories, Daddy. Read me?"

His chest tightens at the excitement on the kid's face. That Dash wants stories rather than video games or television or spiderman (though he's sure that will come too) - it makes him think maybe he's not doing so badly with the kid even if he is at preschool three days a week.

"I'll read to you, yeah. Which story did you want to do first?"

"Um, um, um - oh. The one with flying."

Oh-kay. He'll have to figure that one out when they get home.

"Sure, buddy. The one with flying."

"Like Mommy."

Oh. Wow. Smart kid. Sometimes Dashiell is really just on.

Kate pulls her phone out the moment the plane lands, calls him before she calls Alexis.

"You thought I forgot him?" Castle answers.

"Crazy man. No. Maybe."

"Good flight?" he laughs.

"Boring."

"You didn't bring a book?"

"Couldn't find anything to read."

"That's like an arrow through my heart," he groans. She laughs at that and follows the signs overhead for the bathroom. It's been a while since she was in the Chicago-O'Hare airport, but surely there is a women's restroom closer than this?

"I need one of those things," she mutters, sliding around a slow-moving old man to pick up the moving sidewalk.

"Uh, things?"

"Those golf cart things that honk at people."

She hears him laugh again. "People too slow for you?"

"So very," she sighs and has to wait behind a large group of Europeans chatting in German; their packs rest on the handrails. Her bladder is just not going to hold. It really won't. This is interminable.

"You calling me for a reason?"

"Just wanted to say I got in. What are you and the wild man doing?"

"Uh, eating dinner."

She taps a foot, scrapes a hand through her hair. She really has to pee and these people don't seem to understand that you can't make a pregnant woman wait.

"Castle, you fed him nutella didn't you?"

"And peas."

"You got him to eat peas?" she gasps. Even if she has to smother the things in nutella-

He sighs. "No. He threw them off the table in disdain."

She barks on a laugh and bites her bottom lip when the group turns to look at her. Kate raises an eyebrow, draws a hand over her belly purposefully, and the group parts like a wave.

"Ha," she murmurs as she moves through them. "I so love being pregnant."

His startled laugh over the line sounds delicious. Arg. Everything he does makes her whole body spark like a live wire. It is so not fair.

"Wanna elaborate on that?" he says with a low chuckle that causes her belly to tighten. "Cause just yesterday, I could swear you said the opposite."

"It makes a path, that's all," she growls back at him.

"Whew, okay Momma Bear. What's up with you?"

"Hush, Castle," she mutters, heading for the bathroom she can see now. "I have to go to the bathroom-"

"Of course you do. Should've realized."

"I'm almost there. So say good-bye. And say you love me," she finishes.

"Always."

She hangs up and just makes it to the bathroom.

His phone rings again while he's trying to feed Dash dinner and he nearly ignores it. He can see it's Gina even from over here, and he really doesn't feel like explaining why he ditched the rest of her media meet-and-greet stuff.

But Dashiell is steadfastly ignoring the peas and mashed potatoes his father has made for him, and only eating the chicken. Which is weird, because it's leftover from the dinner Martha made them last night and it's spicy. And yet Dash seems to love it.

Castle was running out of ideas, and after Kate's phone call, he knew he couldn't let the kid only eat nutella on toast. But what kid doesn't love mashed potatoes (even if there are peas sneaked inside them)?

He sntaches up his phone and answers, feeling guilty. He owes Gina. And she knows it.

"Hey, Rick."

"Hey, Gina. Sorry about today. I know I cut it short-"

"I talked with Paula, don't worry. You think I'm not used to you doing what you want? Besides, Kate gave us some good candid photos we can spread to the various magazines. It's all good."

Kate did what? "When did Kate-"

"This was a few weeks ago. She figured you'd be more inclined to answer questions if you knew she was on board. Look, this call actually isn't about you ditching the journalists."

"It's not?" He paces back to Dashiell and feels his bare toes squash a couple of peas. Gross. "Dash - buddy, eat the peas. Don't throw them."

Dashiell yammers away around his fork, then flings it out with a grin. He turns two at the end of the month and in some ways, he still acts like a one year old. Annoying. Although, the kid talks like a two year old - all the time.

"It's about the journalist you met first this morning. Cooper? I think you've met him before-"

"Yeah, I have actually. Cooper West. What about him?"

"He talked with me a little bit after the interview, Rick. His son has some learning issues, a disability I guess-"

Castle's heart lifts. "Yeah?"

"-and he said, just based solely on the way you talked about Dash in the interview-"

"That stuff was off the record-"

"No, no, it's not going in an article. He meant to tell you himself, but he says you guys got carried away talking, and he wanted you to know that he sees some stuff in Dash that he saw in his son-"

He grabs a napkin and wipes peas off his toes, but his heart is pounding. "Like what?"

"A couple things. The light sensitivity. The constant running. The sleeplessness."

"Yeah. That's - those are the things Dr. DeLameran was talking to us about."

"I know. You've told me some of this. And I know you've been doing some research, Kate said. Cooper's son has what he called a sensory issue - some actual thing; I don't know what it is. The more he talked about his kid, the more it sounds like Dash. He wanted you to know that his son's therapist-"

"Therapist?" A person. Actual therapy to help?

"Behavioral therapist. She helps his son integrate his environment-"

"Oh God." His knees won't hold up, but he catches the edge of the dining room table and sinks into a chair, his eyes on his son. Dashiell is flinging peas around the room even while he chews on his spicy chicken. It's really spicy. He remembers that it made his lips burn and his mother whacked the back of his head for hamming it up.

Kate liked it. She said it was good spicy. Dash - Dash seems to-

"Rick?"

"I'm here."

"It's not the end of the world. It's not even that something is wrong with him."

"There's nothing wrong with him," he says quietly. "He just needs some help. If there's help out there-"

"Exactly," Gina says. "Just some help. Cooper left me the name and number of his kid's therapist if you want to-"

"Yes," he says, breathless, getting to his feet. He just needs - he hasn't been able to get very far on his own, and he's not thrilled about getting the state involved in diagnosing his kid for services when he can pay for things on his own. "Yeah. I'd love it. And you've got contact info for Cooper as well, right?"

"I'll give you that too. I'll email it to you, plus a few of the things he said - some of the terms he used. Should help in your research at least."

"Yeah. Wow. Gina. This is - this is amazing. Kate has - we've been trying to figure out what to do ever since - I just-" He swallows hard and sits back down in the chair, eyes riveted to Dashiell.

"Hey. No problem. I might be just your publisher, but-"

"No. More than that. Thank you."

"You're welcome," she says gently. More gentleness in her voice than he's ever heard in the time he's known her. "You've got great kids, Rick. And Kate's exactly what you need. I've got a vested interest in keeping that going, you hear me?"

He laughs at that and closes his eyes; it would be so not cool to cry right now. Even if it is in relief. "Send me that info?"

"Check your email. Already done."

"Hey," she says quietly.

Castle puts the phone on speaker and slides it into his shirt pocket, hoists Dashiell up onto his hip. "Hey Mommy. Good timing. Just about to put Dash to bed."

"I was afraid of that."

He checks the clock on the oven and laughs. "Yeah, well. You love me anyway."

"Always," she murmurs, and her voice is soft, tender.

"Well, we've been having fun-"

"We have fun, Mommy!" Dash yells towards the phone, leaning into his father and knocking heads.

"Ow. Careful, buddy."

"Careful, buddy," he repeats, bouncing in Castle's arms. "Mommy, a story. Read me! Read me a story, Mommy."

"Well, someone's vocabulary sharply declines after eight, doesn't it?" Kate laughs.

"Thanks. We've had a full afternoon. Just a little tired." Castle gets a better grip on his son and mounts the stairs. "How's Alexis?"

"She's okay. She's in bed too, actually."

"She's in bed?" he worries. "Kate-"

"She's with me, Castle. In bed with me. I didn't leave her alone." Her admonishment sounds light over the phone, like she's laughing at him. If only she knew the phone call he had-

"Hey, Dad. Mom's taking care of me. And there's no way I'm letting her sleep on the floor."

The sound of his daughter's voice, a little dry, does actually make him feel better. He smiles down at Dash, kisses his damp forehead. "Well, we've already had bath and a little extra playtime, so we're ready for bed too."

"Read me, Mommy," Dashiell says pitifully, rubbing his face into Castle's shirt. "Issis, read me."

"We will. We'll all take turns, baby."

"Hear that, wild man? Everyone will tell you a story. Oh hey, Kate? I have stuff to tell you after this."

"Oh? Okay. Good stuff?"

"Maybe so. Now. Bedtime." He pushes open the door to Dashiell's dark room with his shoulder, strides to the bed, and body slams the kid into the mattress. Dash squirms and laughs, reaches his hands out for the phone.

"Read me, Mommy."

"All right, wild man." He shakes his head at his kid and tugs the blankets out from under him, then crawls into bed with him too. He pulls the covers up and kisses Dash's forehead. "Look at this. Me and Dash in one bed, and Mommy and Alexis in another."

"Aw, cute, Castle."

"Hush."

"Cute, Daddy. We so cute." Dashiell turns his head in the darkness to see his father, grinning from ear to ear, and slaps his hand on Castle's cheek. "Let me talk."

"Oh-ho, kid is demanding," Kate laughs. "Give the phone over, Castle."

He fishes it out of his pocket and hands his phone to Dash, helps him position it at his ear, and then watches while Dashiell listens to his mother on the other end, his eyes so bright and filled with whatever story she's telling him, whatever secret magic she whispers to him.

She'll do the same to the baby girl, he knows, and that little thing will respond just like this - with the wonder and stillness of being known. Being loved.

Castle draws his hand over Dash's still-wet hair, the curls already gone now that it's thicker. He's got a good kid. He just needs a little help.

"Eyes closed?"

"Closed, Mommy."

She smiles over at Alexis - Allie - in the darkness of the girl's room; her apartment in Chicago doesn't feel so very far away anymore. They're both in bed under the covers, the phone on speaker between them, and Dashiell's little voice comes out thin and sleepy.

"Keep 'em closed, bubba," Alexis whispers.

"I close 'em. I promise."

"He's doing good," Castle interrupts softly.

"Okay, now, back to the story," Kate says, lifting her head up onto her palm and trying not to jostle the phone. "After Daddy caught the baseball-"

"My ball."

"Mm, mouth closed too, baby."

There's a long silence and Allie's lips twitch; she presses her hand to her mouth to keep from laughing, her eyes shining. Finally. Kate was afraid she wouldn't get the girl to laugh so soon. Maybe she's known this break-up with Ashley was coming for a long time now.

"The whole crowd cheered and Daddy gave you the baseball."

"You were sitting in Mommy's lap," Castle adds, taking over for her. "And you looked at the ball and then you raised your hand like you were gonna throw it back."

Kate finds her lips tugging up at the memory, sees Alexis crowding in close to the phone.

"But you didn't throw it, bubba. Mom grabbed you first. And then we all were on the big screen-"

"Jumbotron," Dash murmurs slowly.

"Right," Kate says softly. "And everyone was cheering for you, and you got to keep the baseball. And now it's on top of your bookcase in your room."

"And all the players signed it," Castle says. "Jeter and A-Rod. Even Madison's friend Jay. So every time you see that baseball, you know how much people love you, how much they're cheering for you just like in the baseball game."

Kate rolls her eyes, but Alexis pokes her in the shoulder, grinning back.

"Mommy?"

"You're supposed to be sleeping."

"I know. I so close. Mommy?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"I love you all the times."

Kate bites her lip, her heart pounding. This is new. "Yeah? I-"

"And I love you all the ways. Just like you and Daddy."

All the ways like-

Oh. Oh.

She brushes back the silly tear from her cheek and closes her eyes. "I love you too, baby. Always."

"Good. Then more story. Another Beckett story."

She laughs at that. "No, baby. Bedtime."