Disclaimer- I don't own anything in this story except for the Asylum for
the Insane and the Mentally Unstable, and Lady-Mayhem owns absolutely
nothing, although she is a patient in my asylum. Even I am an occasional
patient. "Occasional." If you could see me right now, I'd be winking. From
this story, you'll soon find out that we really should be in an asylum for
the insane.
A/N- This crossover story was written with the help of Lady-Mayhem. The thing about dancing and singing at K-Mart is sort of an inside joke between me and Lady-Mayhem, so it, therefore makes more sense to us and is much funnier to us. This story starts out very slow and boring, but gets all- out, off-wall insane at the end.
Enjoy!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
1 Artemis Fowl and the School of Psychos
Artemis Fowl the Second leaned toward the monitor and looked closely at the picture, wrinkling his forehead and trying to make sense of it. The monitor was receiving pictures from his surveillance system set up in the King's Cross Station. He rewound the tape and zoomed in closer, watching the video again.
There was a particularly eccentric boy in the station. He had a luggage cart with a large trunk packed on top. On top of the trunk sat a cage and in the cage was a tawny-colored owl. Although this still, was not the oddest thing about the boy. He glanced around him quickly as if making sure no one was looking, and as soon as he was satisfied that no one was, he walked right towards the wall between platform nine and platform ten. The boy went straight through the wall, Artemis was sure of it now.
After him, two other girls chatted casually while walking through the wall, and after them three boys walked through, tossing a ball around.
Artemis decided that since he was in England anyway, on a "business trip", he would find out for himself just what was behind this wall. He called to his butler, Butler. "Ready the car. We're going to King's Cross Station."
If Butler thought that this request was in the least bit odd, since they weren't completely through with their "business negotiations", or rather, cheating an art gallery curator out of his money by selling him a forged Impressionist painting, and Artemis usually wouldn't leave in the middle of something like this, he said nothing because he was getting very used to receiving odd orders, since he did work for Artemis Fowl, remember?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Artemis stepped out of the car at King's Cross Station and quickly glanced around. The station was very crowded, as it usually was at this time of day, when people are leaving or arriving for vacation. He waited for Butler to get out of the car and stand beside him, and then Artemis strode briskly into the station.
He headed straight for the wall between the ninth and tenth platform and walked up to the wall and through it, not giving what he was doing a second thought. Artemis and Butler entered a new platform, crowded with kids saying good-bye to their parents, with a big, red steam engine with the words 'The Hogwarts Express' on it.
Artemis stepped into the train and sat down.
"Sir," Butler began, but was interrupted by Artemis.
"I know what you are about to ask," Artemis said. "What are we doing here hmm?"
Butler nodded.
"To be perfectly straightforward and frank, I am curious. I've never heard nor seen anything of a secret platform and a secret train, nor have I ever heard of Hogwarts, which is, I presume, a school. Now that I've found the platform and the train, I'll not likely just forget about it," Artemis said, staring intently out the window, careful not to miss any of the turns.
"Sir," Butler said again. "Have you ever heard the expression "curiosity killed the cat"?"
"Yes, but in the case that you have not noticed, I am most definitely not a cat; I am a Fowl, and I've never heard of the expression "curiosity killed the fowl", have you? No? Never? Well, nor have I."
Artemis listened with great interest to the odd sorts of conversations going on around him.
"I turned my ex-boyfriend into a pig the other day because that's what he is; a pig," one girl said to her friend. "Oh sure, I got a warning letter about using magic in the Muggle world, but it was worth it to see him squealing and running around in circles. My mother's taking care of him for me while I'm gone at school."
A boy was also telling his friend of the pillow he had transfigured into a dog just to eat his homework.
Another girl was crying. "I tried to predict the future, just like the divinations teacher said," the girl said, "and I found out that when Venus moves into place with Mars, my goldfish Winkie will…die! Winkie!" The girl then kept screaming Winkie throughout the entire train ride.
Artemis' head was spinning. Divinations? Transfiguration? Pillow? Dog? Hogwarts? Muggle world? Pigs? Magic? Winkie?
All of the kids replaced their ordinary clothes with long, black robes and black pointed hats. Needless to say, they looked ready for a Halloween party, although Halloween was not for another month.
Finally, the train stopped and over the intercom, a voice said, "We have just arrived at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I hope you've enjoyed the ride. Free peanuts on your way out."
Artemis and Butler got out of the train and followed all of the other students to a lake. They all clambered into boats, which took off as soon as they were seated, skimming the glassy surface of the lake, moving without a motor, or anyone steering or rowing. Soon Artemis saw a huge castle with huge towers and turrets and tall, lighted windows.
The boats stopped at the shore of the lake and then they were shuffled into a vast entrance hall, and then into a huge room with four long tables and another table raised on a dais, where old people sat, complete with long robes and pointed hats.
Artemis looked at the ceiling, which, at first, he thought wasn't actually even there, but then he looked closely and saw that the ceiling had stars and clouds and a moon.
All of the kids, which Artemis presumed were students, took seats at the long tables and turned expectantly towards the table raised on the dais, where, Artemis guessed, the teachers sat.
Soon all of the students were seated, leaving Butler and Artemis standing there in the middle of the vast hall full of hungry-looking students (so Artemis obviously guessed this vast chamber was the dining hall.).
"Ah, new students," said a really old-looking man, with a long white beard and crescent moon-shaped spectacles, standing up and looking towards Artemis and Butler. "I am Professor Dumbledore, headmaster here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am so-."
Here Artemis interrupted the Professor. "What if I were to tell you that I didn't have any magic and that I only happened to stumble upon the secret platform and the train by mistake through my extensive research and that right now, I am very frightened and confused. This is all hypothetically speaking, of course," Artemis said.
"Who are you?" Professor Dumbledore breathed in sheer bewilderment.
"Fowl. Artemis Fowl…the Second." (Mission Impossible Theme song starts to play in the back round).
A girl with rather bushy hair stood up. "I'm Hermione Granger and this is not in the original writings of the book. You're ruining our story! I must go consult the book, What to Do in the Case that Someone Who is Not in the Original Writings of the Book Shows Up and Ruins the Story, which I think is by Noah Toodoo. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the library. It shouldn't take me longer than two weeks to read the book, and then I'll know what to do with you!" Hermione said glaring at Artemis and then stomping off down a long, dark hall.
Next, a boy with a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead stood up. "Who's the main character of this story? Me! You hear me? Me! Not you! Not some Artemis Fowl the Second! Me, ME, ME, ME, ME!!! Who's the star of this story? You? WRONG! So wrong! Me! Me! Who's the star? You're looking at him! Who's got the scar? Not you! ME! Who's got the scar? Who's got the scar?" the boy said, pointing to the scar on his forehead. "This isn't Artemis Fowl the Second's fifth year at Hogwarts! It's mine! You hear me? Harry Potter's! Mine, mine, MINE, MINE!!! What do they need you for? They got me! The Hero! ME! This is about me, people!! Me, me, me!"
"Hey, is this a school or a psychiatric facility for the psychos?" Artemis asked as the boy named Harry Potter continued his angry tirade. Right now, he was back to yelling about who was the star of this story.
"This is a school," one of the teachers at the table said indignantly.
"Right," Artemis said. "Okay, you know what? Here's what I'll do."
"Oh, look. There he goes, trying to be the hero again!" Harry cried.
Just then, a boy with flaming red hair stood up and began to do a weird little dance for everyone.
"Ron, this is no time for dancing!" Harry cried.
"I like to dance," Ron said, continuing to dance.
"Okay, as I was saying, here's what I'll do. You guys just sit tight. Stay right here and don't move. I'm going to go and get you some serious help that you obviously seriously need. I'm going to go and get the guys in the white suits. You know; they'll come out, pick all you guys up in their nice little white vans. They'll come and put you in those stylish straight jackets, and then they'll take you to a luxury suite, with all the white padded walls and stuff. They'll be able to help you," Artemis said, speaking as slowly and as clearly as he could.
"Did you say luxury suite?" a teacher at the table asked, looking interested.
"I like white," another teacher put in.
"I like to dance," said Ron, "I dance at K-Mart and Harry sing at K-Mart to my dancing."
"Okay. R-right," Artemis said. "You guys just stay here okay. I'll be right back with the white guys."
"I like to dance," said Ron, still dancing. "Come on Harry, sing."
Then Harry reluctantly began to sing.
"It's raining men,
Hallelujah!" Harry sang (not very well of course, but it was singing nevertheless).
"Let's get out of here," Artemis murmured to Butler.
"You don't have to tell me twice," Butler said, running out the doors with Artemis.
As Artemis was just about to step out of the doors, he heard Harry begin to sing a new song.
"I'm too sexy for my shoe, my shoe," Harry Potter sang.
Artemis glanced back quickly to see Ron taking off his shoe, and then Artemis ran out through the huge doors, while Harry's song and Ron's dance of 'I'm Too Sexy' continued behind him.
Artemis reached into his pocket as soon as he was outside and pulled out his cell phone. "Yes hello? Is this the Asylum for the Insane and the Mentally Unstable? Yes? We have some new patients for you. Quite a few new patients actually."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N- Well? Now don't get me wrong. I love the Harry Potter books. I just thought that making them insane in a story would be really fun, and it was. This story was not meant to diss on Harry Potter books. It was just an in-your-free-time-fun-to-write thing. Review if you'd like, but don't ask what we're on, we (Lady-Mayhem and I) get that too much already!
A/N- This crossover story was written with the help of Lady-Mayhem. The thing about dancing and singing at K-Mart is sort of an inside joke between me and Lady-Mayhem, so it, therefore makes more sense to us and is much funnier to us. This story starts out very slow and boring, but gets all- out, off-wall insane at the end.
Enjoy!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
1 Artemis Fowl and the School of Psychos
Artemis Fowl the Second leaned toward the monitor and looked closely at the picture, wrinkling his forehead and trying to make sense of it. The monitor was receiving pictures from his surveillance system set up in the King's Cross Station. He rewound the tape and zoomed in closer, watching the video again.
There was a particularly eccentric boy in the station. He had a luggage cart with a large trunk packed on top. On top of the trunk sat a cage and in the cage was a tawny-colored owl. Although this still, was not the oddest thing about the boy. He glanced around him quickly as if making sure no one was looking, and as soon as he was satisfied that no one was, he walked right towards the wall between platform nine and platform ten. The boy went straight through the wall, Artemis was sure of it now.
After him, two other girls chatted casually while walking through the wall, and after them three boys walked through, tossing a ball around.
Artemis decided that since he was in England anyway, on a "business trip", he would find out for himself just what was behind this wall. He called to his butler, Butler. "Ready the car. We're going to King's Cross Station."
If Butler thought that this request was in the least bit odd, since they weren't completely through with their "business negotiations", or rather, cheating an art gallery curator out of his money by selling him a forged Impressionist painting, and Artemis usually wouldn't leave in the middle of something like this, he said nothing because he was getting very used to receiving odd orders, since he did work for Artemis Fowl, remember?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Artemis stepped out of the car at King's Cross Station and quickly glanced around. The station was very crowded, as it usually was at this time of day, when people are leaving or arriving for vacation. He waited for Butler to get out of the car and stand beside him, and then Artemis strode briskly into the station.
He headed straight for the wall between the ninth and tenth platform and walked up to the wall and through it, not giving what he was doing a second thought. Artemis and Butler entered a new platform, crowded with kids saying good-bye to their parents, with a big, red steam engine with the words 'The Hogwarts Express' on it.
Artemis stepped into the train and sat down.
"Sir," Butler began, but was interrupted by Artemis.
"I know what you are about to ask," Artemis said. "What are we doing here hmm?"
Butler nodded.
"To be perfectly straightforward and frank, I am curious. I've never heard nor seen anything of a secret platform and a secret train, nor have I ever heard of Hogwarts, which is, I presume, a school. Now that I've found the platform and the train, I'll not likely just forget about it," Artemis said, staring intently out the window, careful not to miss any of the turns.
"Sir," Butler said again. "Have you ever heard the expression "curiosity killed the cat"?"
"Yes, but in the case that you have not noticed, I am most definitely not a cat; I am a Fowl, and I've never heard of the expression "curiosity killed the fowl", have you? No? Never? Well, nor have I."
Artemis listened with great interest to the odd sorts of conversations going on around him.
"I turned my ex-boyfriend into a pig the other day because that's what he is; a pig," one girl said to her friend. "Oh sure, I got a warning letter about using magic in the Muggle world, but it was worth it to see him squealing and running around in circles. My mother's taking care of him for me while I'm gone at school."
A boy was also telling his friend of the pillow he had transfigured into a dog just to eat his homework.
Another girl was crying. "I tried to predict the future, just like the divinations teacher said," the girl said, "and I found out that when Venus moves into place with Mars, my goldfish Winkie will…die! Winkie!" The girl then kept screaming Winkie throughout the entire train ride.
Artemis' head was spinning. Divinations? Transfiguration? Pillow? Dog? Hogwarts? Muggle world? Pigs? Magic? Winkie?
All of the kids replaced their ordinary clothes with long, black robes and black pointed hats. Needless to say, they looked ready for a Halloween party, although Halloween was not for another month.
Finally, the train stopped and over the intercom, a voice said, "We have just arrived at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I hope you've enjoyed the ride. Free peanuts on your way out."
Artemis and Butler got out of the train and followed all of the other students to a lake. They all clambered into boats, which took off as soon as they were seated, skimming the glassy surface of the lake, moving without a motor, or anyone steering or rowing. Soon Artemis saw a huge castle with huge towers and turrets and tall, lighted windows.
The boats stopped at the shore of the lake and then they were shuffled into a vast entrance hall, and then into a huge room with four long tables and another table raised on a dais, where old people sat, complete with long robes and pointed hats.
Artemis looked at the ceiling, which, at first, he thought wasn't actually even there, but then he looked closely and saw that the ceiling had stars and clouds and a moon.
All of the kids, which Artemis presumed were students, took seats at the long tables and turned expectantly towards the table raised on the dais, where, Artemis guessed, the teachers sat.
Soon all of the students were seated, leaving Butler and Artemis standing there in the middle of the vast hall full of hungry-looking students (so Artemis obviously guessed this vast chamber was the dining hall.).
"Ah, new students," said a really old-looking man, with a long white beard and crescent moon-shaped spectacles, standing up and looking towards Artemis and Butler. "I am Professor Dumbledore, headmaster here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am so-."
Here Artemis interrupted the Professor. "What if I were to tell you that I didn't have any magic and that I only happened to stumble upon the secret platform and the train by mistake through my extensive research and that right now, I am very frightened and confused. This is all hypothetically speaking, of course," Artemis said.
"Who are you?" Professor Dumbledore breathed in sheer bewilderment.
"Fowl. Artemis Fowl…the Second." (Mission Impossible Theme song starts to play in the back round).
A girl with rather bushy hair stood up. "I'm Hermione Granger and this is not in the original writings of the book. You're ruining our story! I must go consult the book, What to Do in the Case that Someone Who is Not in the Original Writings of the Book Shows Up and Ruins the Story, which I think is by Noah Toodoo. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the library. It shouldn't take me longer than two weeks to read the book, and then I'll know what to do with you!" Hermione said glaring at Artemis and then stomping off down a long, dark hall.
Next, a boy with a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead stood up. "Who's the main character of this story? Me! You hear me? Me! Not you! Not some Artemis Fowl the Second! Me, ME, ME, ME, ME!!! Who's the star of this story? You? WRONG! So wrong! Me! Me! Who's the star? You're looking at him! Who's got the scar? Not you! ME! Who's got the scar? Who's got the scar?" the boy said, pointing to the scar on his forehead. "This isn't Artemis Fowl the Second's fifth year at Hogwarts! It's mine! You hear me? Harry Potter's! Mine, mine, MINE, MINE!!! What do they need you for? They got me! The Hero! ME! This is about me, people!! Me, me, me!"
"Hey, is this a school or a psychiatric facility for the psychos?" Artemis asked as the boy named Harry Potter continued his angry tirade. Right now, he was back to yelling about who was the star of this story.
"This is a school," one of the teachers at the table said indignantly.
"Right," Artemis said. "Okay, you know what? Here's what I'll do."
"Oh, look. There he goes, trying to be the hero again!" Harry cried.
Just then, a boy with flaming red hair stood up and began to do a weird little dance for everyone.
"Ron, this is no time for dancing!" Harry cried.
"I like to dance," Ron said, continuing to dance.
"Okay, as I was saying, here's what I'll do. You guys just sit tight. Stay right here and don't move. I'm going to go and get you some serious help that you obviously seriously need. I'm going to go and get the guys in the white suits. You know; they'll come out, pick all you guys up in their nice little white vans. They'll come and put you in those stylish straight jackets, and then they'll take you to a luxury suite, with all the white padded walls and stuff. They'll be able to help you," Artemis said, speaking as slowly and as clearly as he could.
"Did you say luxury suite?" a teacher at the table asked, looking interested.
"I like white," another teacher put in.
"I like to dance," said Ron, "I dance at K-Mart and Harry sing at K-Mart to my dancing."
"Okay. R-right," Artemis said. "You guys just stay here okay. I'll be right back with the white guys."
"I like to dance," said Ron, still dancing. "Come on Harry, sing."
Then Harry reluctantly began to sing.
"It's raining men,
Hallelujah!" Harry sang (not very well of course, but it was singing nevertheless).
"Let's get out of here," Artemis murmured to Butler.
"You don't have to tell me twice," Butler said, running out the doors with Artemis.
As Artemis was just about to step out of the doors, he heard Harry begin to sing a new song.
"I'm too sexy for my shoe, my shoe," Harry Potter sang.
Artemis glanced back quickly to see Ron taking off his shoe, and then Artemis ran out through the huge doors, while Harry's song and Ron's dance of 'I'm Too Sexy' continued behind him.
Artemis reached into his pocket as soon as he was outside and pulled out his cell phone. "Yes hello? Is this the Asylum for the Insane and the Mentally Unstable? Yes? We have some new patients for you. Quite a few new patients actually."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N- Well? Now don't get me wrong. I love the Harry Potter books. I just thought that making them insane in a story would be really fun, and it was. This story was not meant to diss on Harry Potter books. It was just an in-your-free-time-fun-to-write thing. Review if you'd like, but don't ask what we're on, we (Lady-Mayhem and I) get that too much already!