Chapter 10 – Lilian

No idea what Nick's mother is called, or if she ever had a name, so for some reason I decided to call her Lilian. As you do.

This chapter ended up being slightly emotional;')

"Oh, shit," Rachel said when she saw Lilian.

Shit was an understatement. Of all the people she knew who could've turned out to be her mother, not Lilian. Please, not Lilian.

She dumped her wine glass back down on the bar and dug her nails hard into the palm of her hand, hoping she might wake up from the nightmare, but it just hurt. She really needed to file her nails, actually; they were sharp.

"Shit," she said again, reaching out and wrapping her fingers around the wine glass again. Scarlet liquid splashed down her hand. It was like blood; like her heart was bleeding and dripping everywhere.

"What's up?" the barman asked.

"Nothin'. Doesn't matter."

Lilian seemed to hear Rachel's voice. She raised her head, flicking her fringe out of her eyes; her hands were shaking too. She watched Rachel silently as the police officer approached the table.

"Hello," Lilian said.

Rachel sat down opposite her and sat looking at Lilian for a long, long moment. It seemed as though she couldn't hear the slightly tipsy men across the room cheering and cursing as they played on the slot machines; suddenly, nobody else was there.

Lilian was pretty. Rachel had never really known her age – she looked perhaps fifty, although she must have been older. Her greying hair was streaked with silver, her eyes a beautiful piercing blue. Her lips were turned up in a smile, although she looked as though she wanted to cry too.

"Hi," she said eventually.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah," Rachel mumbled, wiping her wine-splattered hand on her jeans, suddenly feeling like a little kid again, "Just a bit..."

"Shocked?"

"Yeah. A bit."

Lilian gave a weak chuckle.

Rachel watched the first snowflakes fall outside the window in the town square. There was a handful of children chasing around; she couldn't hear them, but their lips were moving in silent squeals. They looked happy. She wondered if any of them were about to lose their parents too.

"I haven't seen you for quite a while," Lilian continued quietly, "Not since Nick's funeral, I don't think."

"No. I'm sorry about- about Nick. Really sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"No, but Dom..."

"He was trying to protect you," her voice was warm. Rachel wondered how Lilian could actually sit there and look her son's killer's sister in the eye, let alone smile as she spoke about it.

Christ. Nick had been their brother.

Which meant that Dom had killed someone who shared his blood, shared his DNA. Which meant that Rachel had been going to marry her brother.

She suddenly wanted to be sick.

"I know, Rachel," Lilian shook her head, her eyes glimmering with tears, "I know it's a lot to take in. And I'm so, so sorry for all of this. I'm sorry for what happened when you were a child; what I did to you and Alison and Dom. I'm sorry I left you for all these years, and I'm sorry most about what happened with Nick. How he hurt you."

"Did he..." her voice was croaky, "Did he know?"

"No. I didn't even realise, at first. I thought you were a lovely girl, when I met you. I found myself hoping that my daughters had turned out like you – warm and funny, and not afraid to stand up for themselves. It was odd when I realised you were my daughter."

"I suppose it would've been."

"I found out he was cheating; he'd told me you and he were just colleagues, and that you'd become close because you were helping him out with some cases," she sighed, truly regretful, "I told him it was wrong. I told him he couldn't mess you about like that, not when you'd been so lovely. So he dumped you and went back to his wife and children."

"It was... it was you..."

"Yeah. I'm sorry. I thought it would be best for you in the long run; I thought you'd get over him. Obviously, Nick being Nick, he couldn't leave it. He had to keep coming back, he was fascinated by playing you, all those other women; it was a game, a power game. He was so insecure, deep down."

"I loved him," Rachel said. She felt tears welling up in her eyes; she'd told Janet she was over Nick so many times, but in truth she never would be. He'd always haunt her. She'd hated him, but she'd always loved him too.

"I know you did. I'm so sorry he hurt you."

"I'm sorry too. For... for Dom."

"No. He was protecting you, like I said," she reached out a hand – fingers shaky – and touched Rachel's, "He was doing what I should always have done. Been there for you; looked out for the bad guys. He was only being a good brother. He did a bad, bad thing, but he was trying to help. He loves you so much, Rachel. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know."

"I... I want to ask you something."

Rachel nodded, signalling she could continue.

"I just... okay, you can say no if you want to, Rachel. I'll understand. I know... God, I know it's never going to be easy for us, ever. But I hope we'll be able to be friends, one day. Maybe I can repay you a tiny bit for all of the pain I've caused. Maybe I can explain everything, one day."

"What's the question?" she asked softly.

"I... do you visit Dom, in the prison, sometimes?"

"Yeah. Me and Ali try to go every couple of weeks. He didn't want to go back there; he was so scared. They really hurt him. But he has to pay for what he did to Nick, and he will pay. He will turn his life around. One day."

"Would you mind if... if I came with you?"

"What, to see Dom?"

"I... I want to apologise to him, and to Alison. I want to explain. And I want Dom to know that he's got my forgiveness, for what he did. There's nothing worse than never being forgiven, always having something hanging over you. There's nothing that hurts more, eats away at you."

Rachel took her hand from underneath Lilian's and laid it on top instead. Both of them were crying now, and both of the wine glasses were empty, and all of the slightly drunk men were staring, but they didn't care.

"I don't mind. I think... I think it's a good idea."

"Thank you, Rachel."

"Mum?" she whispered, and Lilian looked up, her eyes filled with hope behind the tears, the blue seeming never-ending, like a mother's love underneath all of the problems, "I forgive you, too."

XxXxX