Sorry for the (extremely) late update! Among many things, I have been extremely busy finishing Advanced Rudiments and starting Harmony, doing homework, working on the literally dozen different story ideas in my head, obsessing over Doctor Who and the upcoming anniversary, and freaking out over the NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE. Can you tell I'm excited? So I apologize to my faithful readers for that.

This chapter is dedicated to my best friend, SakuraNoAme, who specifically requested a chapter for her favourite character. Enjoy!

I...do...not...own...Harry...Potter...thereIsaidit leavemealone!

Chapter Eight: Sirius Black

Dear Fanfiction authors:

Hello ladies! And gentlemen. But mostly ladies. The name's Sirius, Sirius Black, and I am very pleased to make your acquaintance.

Ouch! Alright, Prongsie, I'll get on with it!

Ahem. Sorry about that. Ignore Jamie. He's just jealous he's not as good looking or charming as me.

Ow!

Alright, alright, I'm doing it!

What in the name of Merlin's left nipple are you on about? Sorry gents, but I'm for the ladies! Which means I'm not interested in Prongsie-boy, that damn rat, Snivellus (EWWW!), and especially not Moony!

No, seriously, listen to me!

I. Am. Not. Interested. In. Moony. At. All.

(Even if I was, charming Nymphie would hex my boys off, so I'm steering way clear of him!)

Ouch! Ok, sorry, I won't call you Nymphie!

Also, I'm not interested in my godson like that! Ew, you perverts! He's my godson! That's just wrong! That's even more wrong than me and Snivellus! Also not even remotely interested in Hermione Granger. Come on, how gross is that? I know I didn't get any action in Azkaban, but you know what? I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE! I am only interested in ladies of age that are not related to me! You can put me with that Marlene McKinnon (dated her a couple times, sweet but a little ditzy), you can put me with Emmeline Vance (damn, she's fiery), you can even put me with whatever OC you want (just make sure she's not a total Mary Sue: I do have standards), just don't make me into some pedophile that's into my own relatives! That might do for my family, that might do for all those purebloods, but it doesn't do for me!

Ok, now that's out of the way, let's move on to Azkaban.

Urgh, I hated that place, but that doesn't mean I'm some emo, existential, suicidal, useless lump!

Yes, thank you for your opinion, Snivellus, now shut up!

Yeah, Azkaban sucked, and the Dementors sucked, and basically everything sucked, but being Padfoot helped tons, and I could escape, couldn't I? Sure, I might have gone a little crazy after (shut up, Moony!), but look! I'm fine, I'm fighting, and I'm pretty alright! That's not to say it didn't completely affect me, but not that badly! So sorry, but I'm not going to be running to Moony for comfort anytime soon. What bugs me most about Azkaban is that I wasn't there to look after Harry, and yeah, I'll probably feel guilty about that forever, so feel free to write a couple of stories where I was there, eh? Make an old dog feel a little better.

And just for the record, yeah, I was a bit of an idiot when I was a kid (Moony, I'm this close to hexing you!), and yeah, maybe I should have laid off Snivellus a bit, but don't you lot forget for one moment that even though we started it, he continued it! He hexed us as much as we hexed him! It's a two way thing, ok? I'm…sorry I was kind of a bully, and I nearly got him killed that one time, but he was a bully too! If you're going to have me get down on my knees and apologize, he better be doing the same thing, 'cause that's only fair!

Hmm, what else? Oh, yes! Those stories where I get drunk and hook up with a really hot girl? Keep those up ;)

And those stories (well, not really stories, they're absolutely true) where I'm a dashing, charming, handsome, attractive, sexy young fellow that the ladies adore? Keep those up too ;)

Oh, shut up, Prongs!

You too, Moony!

Especially you, Snivellus!

I'll have you know I am quite the ladies man!

Siriusly, shut up!

OW!

Fine, be like that!

I don't need you lot. I'm sexy enough for all of us.

JAMES, I SWEAR TO GOD-

Sincerely,

Sirius Black