Author's Note: Now read you Gandalf's Secret Diary. The timeline of the book has been altered slightly – Gandalf doesn't wait seventeen years to return to the Shire, and he's not held captive as long in Isengard. But then, as this is a parody, nobody really expected me to stick completely to the story, did they? As before, there is not a particular order the Diaries of certain people should be read in – just enjoy. :-)
Day 1:
Am in the Shire. Was met by impertinent hobbit who said I was late. Late? A wizard is never late. (Oh, all right, so I was. But I cannot read my watch and wear my pointy hat at the same time.) Am almost out of pipeweed.
Day 2:
Bilbo's Birthday Party lived up to expectations, though two small hobbits decided to help themselves to my fireworks. Made them wash many, many dishes. Now have full pouch pipeweed, however.
Day 3:
Suspect Frodo is lusting after gold jewellery. Have told him to put it in safe while I ask questions. No internet - must go to Minas Tirith.
Day 11:
Much lore about gold jewellery. Apparently Isildur's downfall too. I told Elrond he had better be careful. Need more advice.
Day 13:
Took trip to Isengard to visit Saruman. Silly old bloke gone bananas with redecorating. Do not like – too postmodern/minimalist. Saruman apparently turned evil in my absence – was not told of this. Must be blasted AOL again. Put up in rooftop penthouse suite. Roof leaks and dry-clean woollen wizard robes getting soaking wet. V. bad experience altogether.
Day 14:
Amusing myself watching Saruman's orcs pull down trees. White Wizard has seen too many redecorating shows.
Day 15:
Visited by Saruman. Depressing. Has long pointy fingernails and sunken eyes – who could have known he was evil?!? Am almost out of pipeweed.
Day 16:
Visited again by Saruman. Says I should not cast his friendship aside. But he cast me aside, so paid no heed. Decided to cut trip short and hitchhiked to Rivendell on back of eagle Gwahir.
Day 17:
In Rivendell. Took bath. Elrond spoke more about gold jewellery. Is holding Council to decide what to do with Ring. Suspect he covets it himself.
LATER:
Frodo awake. Good – Sam driving me crazy.
Day 18:
Council huge success. Pledged so far: 1 axe, 1 bow, 1 sword, 1 man of Gondor, 1 hobbit, 1 Ranger, 1 Elf, 1 Dwarf, 3 more pesky hobbits. Agreed to go along too. But not a girl in the bunch. Life sucks. Though Boromir not bad.
Day 19:
Walking, walking, walking. Feet hurt.
Day 20:
Walking, walking, walking. Feet hurt.
Day 31:
Boromir giving hobbits sword lessons. Sam cooking. Gimli smoking. Aragorn smoking. Ah, how domestic.
LATER:
Big nasty birds ruined everything. Must take Pass of Caradhras.
Day 32:
V. cold on Caradhras. Fellowship piled in snowdrift. Boromir and Aragorn dug path out. Legolas pranced about on snow. Will turn him into something unnatural if does not stop.
Ooops. Already did that in Second Age. Drat.
Day 33:
Do not want to go through Mines of Moria. Darkness bad for wizard contact lenses. And there is evil there that does not sleep.
Day 34:
V. dark. Ya, there is evil here, all right. Nasty Balrog. V. bad breath.
Day 35:
I have fallen into shadow. Balrog dead. But dry-clean woollen wizard robes gone. V. embarrassing. Gwahir had better get here soon.