Ren's Note:
So I was pretty psyched when I heard all the buzz about "Fidelity will be rewarded!" from those Bioware cats. Great! M!Shep/Ash was always my favorite so it'll be nice to see those kids reconnect.

Except they kinda didn't. Or, in true nerd fashion, as much as I would have wanted. Which is the important thing. GRRR EXPECTATIONS, et cetera. Except I have a keyboard and an imagination so… what the hell? Let's get crackin' on rewarding my own loyalty.

This fic assumes you've already played through Mass Effect 1-3 with Ashley Williams as a love interest so there's little to no background and a hearty dose of spoilers plus references to old conversations, particularly ME1. Quite literally a fic for fans.

Bioware owns Mass Effect. I own a keyboard. Also, big props to Midnight Lion's Pressure fic. I was having a great deal of trouble figuring out tone for this series, and just reading that simple prose really helped a lot. Go read it.

If you're coming from the BSN: Welcome! Always happy to see more Ashley Williams fans. Thanks Aurora313 and scotiej for the shoutouts! Hope you folks enjoy it!

How did I get here? Commander Shepard thought for the tenth time in five hours. Though he could take a cab from the Embassy to the Docking Bay, Shepard was more interested in stretching his legs and working off some of the adrenaline from earlier.

The human Spectre fidgeted with the zipper on his leather jacket, resisting the urge to tap his foot in time to the lively beat that played in the elevator. The view whipping by the elevator as it traveled the length of the Citadel ward arm sobered Shepard. This was no place for tapping feet. Smoke still billowed from damaged vehicles and broken apartment windows while med teams and C-Sec officers tried to make sense of the body count.

Fucking Cerberus, Shepard growled inwardly as a particularly gruesome scene reflected in the window. A turian woman cradled the head of her child in her lap, her mandibles spread in a cry of agony as a human medic tried to pry her away. Similar scenes of other species flickered by. Elcor. Volus. Asari. Human. No race was too precious or advanced to be spared from The Illusive Man's dark intentions.

Shepard sighed as the elevator paused at Huerta Memorial Hospital. The door opened to reveal utter chaos even in the waiting room. Cots were haphazardly strewn about to administer makeshift triage for both purposeful and accidental victims of the carnage Cerberus caused by storming the wards.

The Commander's hand hesitated over the door open button, his eyes drifted longingly to an empty seat by the left window. Thane. Only hours earlier had a drell occupied that seat, calmly lost in his meditations. Now that same drell was being prepared for burial by his mourning son.

Thane's final prayer still echoed in Shepard's mind as the elevator doors closed once more.

Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness.
Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand.
Kalahira, wash the sins from this one, and set him on the distant shore of the infinite spirit.
Kalahira, this one's heart is pure, but beset by wickedness and contention.
Guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve.
Guide this one, Kalahira, and he will be a companion to you as he was to me.

How did I get here? Shepard thought again, accompanied by another weary sigh. …Eleven.

Where is this place Thane wanted for me? Will I ever be worthy of it? Shepard chewed his cheek as his hands returned once more to the jacket zipper. He's been standing still for too long. Had too much time to think. Dwell on what he is. And isn't.

He was relieved the final leg of the elevator ride dipped out of view of the civilian part of the Citadel. The Commander hated not being able to remain behind and assist with the cleanup. Or help Commander Bailey chase down The Illusive Man's assassin. That son of a bitch. But Shepard was forever needed Elsewhere, and Elsewhere is where Shepard will go. Whatever it takes to stop the Reapers.

I'm just …tired of being one step behind. With Saren. The Collectors. The Reapers. And Cerberus on top of all that. When will I be fast enough? How did I get here?

Twelve. The elevator finally opened on Docking Bay D24. Shepard didn't even try to suppress inhaling with relief at the familiar sight. No smoke, no bodies, no bullet holes. The crowd in the waiting area had grown considerably larger, while the atmosphere was more tense. But no outward signs of Cerberus's efforts spattered the walls or floors.

Striding purposefully down the hall, Shepard allowed himself a moment to get lost in the view. The familiar weaving and traffic of ships docking and departing in the distance set to the murmur of soldiers discussing their posts was comforting. At least some things never change. Even during a war.

He hung a left at the fork in the corridor then paused a moment for the biometric scanner to trace green light over his form. The jetway door slid open into a short hallway outside the Normandy airlock. Standing next to the window, bathed in the artificial glow of the Citadel sky, was Lieutenant Commander Ashley Williams.

She turned at the sound of the door opening, her furrowed brow smoothing into a more impassive expression. Her arms crossed as she shifted her weight, tapping the heel of a boot against a duffle bag on the floor.

"Shepard… I don't know what to say…"

He believed it, because he didn't know either. Ashley's voice was husky with emotion, trying to make sense of what had happened hours earlier.

Bits and pieces sprang back to Shepard's mind as he hesitated on how to proceed. All this time, and we're back to square one on this. Again. How did we get here?

Thirteen. Dammit. "Your bandages were still fresh. How did you end up working with Udina?" He couldn't keep the contempt out of his voice saying the Councilor's name.

Ash relinquished the safety of the corner and took a few steps toward Shepard, though she didn't meet his accusing gaze. "You saw me in the hospital, I was going crazy." She shrugged while a hand popped up in exasperation. She continued simply, "Felt like I was letting everyone down."

Dark eyes finally left the floor to meet Shepard's blue. "When Udina made me a Spectre, I thought it was a chance to do some good." The tenseness in his shoulders eased as he nodded in understanding, "I couldn't just sit back and watch, either."

"Yea, but it sure turned into a mess," Ash's voice cracked, her gaze switched back to the window in guilt. It sure did, Shepard thought wearily.

All I remember is those eyes and the muzzle of her pistol pointed at my chest. And so much shouting. From all sides. The Council. Udina. Liara at my back watching the elevator. Smoke, alarms, distant gunfire. It was a beautiful warzone. We shouldn't have been there. "We're on the same side," Shepard stated softly.

Rather than relief, the Lieutenant Commander instead felt a fresh stab of guilt. Turning away, Ashley headed towards the window to focus on the bold etching of NORMANDY on the ship a short distance away rather than the sick jitter in her gut. "…I can't believe it came to that. We were so close to…"

We don't have time for this. It's gonna make us both crazy and we can't afford more distrust. Shepard resisted the urge to take that extra step forward and rest a hand on that inviting shoulder. "Ash... it's okay. We figured it out." The Commander part of Shepard took over. His voice hardened to a more professional tone. "We stopped Udina and got to walk away. That's the important part."

Ashley turned her head to look at Shepard, relieved to switch to a more business-like conversation. The two Spectres speculated on indoctrination. If Udina was. If Cerberus is. What it would feel like. How to fight it. Can you even fight it? ...Does it matter? We have to.

"I wanted to talk to you about that… I'd prefer to ride this thing out aboard the Normandy." Ash's formal tone wavered as she paced away from the window, then met Shepard's eyes with equal parts determination and vulnerability.

Shepard wanted to welcome her aboard with open arms. He remembered how easily it came three years ago. They could relate. You never get used to seeing friends die. Or dead civilians. It's nice when someone makes you feel welcome, she had said then. How did we get back here, in this place, again?

Fourteen. Does that count? It probably counts.

He let the silence go on a little too long, so he extended a hand. Very formal. Ashley's gloved hand grasped his. Determination took over the vulnerability this time in the battle in her eyes.

"Couldn't do this without you." Shepard found he meant it. Every word. Even though it's all a mess. One minute I see anger in those dark depths, full of accusation and reproach. But then there is softness. I feel sick remembering those eyes swollen shut from that AI mech's vicious assault on Mars, the fear that they might never open again. I can't do this without her.

Ash leaned down to shoulder the heavy duffle. Shepard knew better than to offer to help.

"Ash?"

"Yeah?"

"It's good to have you back."

And there it was. Finally. Her full lips broke into a smile, the first one he'd genuinely seen since their anticlimactic homecoming on Earth.

She said nothing, but spun on her heel to haul her gear through the airlock after a crisp salute. Shepard didn't follow, but remained behind to look out the window at his ship. He heard an excited exclamation from Joker as the doors whooshed shut, missing what was undoubtedly a heartwarming and sarcastic reunion.

He raised his right arm to lean against the glass, then rested his forehead on the back of his hand. He pressed his nose to the glass, asking the view to once again quiet all the calculations, strategies and to-dos that already started pounding at the front door in his mind. Begging to be let in.

And for the fifteenth time today, Shepard wondered how he got here.