a/n: Welp, final chapter, even though I didn't get as many reviews as I'd hoped... oh well.
If Shizuo seems horribly OOC well... he basically ran to the hospital and into the room to see a hospitalized Izaya sobbing into his pillow so.

Its dark.

Its so dark, so scary and I don't know where I am. I feel so heavy, constrained, trapped– I'm hyperventilating but there's nothing I can do about it, I feel panicked, but at the same time I'm aware of this and know I shouldn't be– can I open my eyes? I feel a bit stronger now, and the feeling of drowning is fading... My eyes are twitching, I feel... bedsheets under me, something tight on my wrist, my hair tickling my cheeks... it smells like chemicals and unsuccessful air freshener with that other strong scent I can only describe as 'old'. I hear a constant beeping and in all honesty it's starting to get annoying. I force my eyelids apart and...

Suddenly light filled my eyes, and I squint as I force myself to get used to it. Damn, where the hell am I? The first thing I'm aware of is a tingling feeling in my wrist and the constricting feeling of something wrapped around it... My eyes allow me to travel down to where my arm lies, and I notice the white bandage that doesn't really stick out in comparison to my sickly white skin. Suddenly, its all coming back to me.

Ah, I must be in a hospital. My mother and sisters probably brought me last night. None of them are here now, though. Mom has work, sisters have school... they're like me, mischievous yet good students. Heh, I can't help but think how I influence them. The bad outweighs the good, I know. I tend to screw up everything I come in contact with. Including myself. Ha.

Taking a better look around, I realize that irritating beeping was a heart monitor, and it seems to have jumped in activity after I woke up. There's three chairs set up pretty close to mine, and one more somewhere in the corner. Mother, Mairu, Kururi... and whose could the last be? Most hospital rooms only have two chairs, so the fourth had to be there for someone. My father is working away, so it couldn't be him. Shinra? Most likely. It's kind of turned to the side, and he likes to sit sideways most of the time. A cute little quirk. I don't think he knows.

It almost makes me smile to know that Shinra came. I hope he wasn't here too late– he's awfully quiet when he's tired. It would definitely make it obvious that something was wrong if I wasn't there and he was quiet. Surely it would cause confusion and curiosity in Dotachin and Shizu-chan–

Shizu-chan. Would he even care? Would he ask why I was gone? Would Shinra tell him? Would he use this chance to come and kill me...?

Part of me feels like I wouldn't mind that.

Judging by the time, it probably hasn't been long since he got to school. I'm usually there before him. I wonder if he'll notice? Seeing as I usually greet him in a way that pisses him off every morning, I doubt he won't. I'm just that big of a part of his life. That my absence is noticed. That's why I act how I do– if I can't be the most special person to him, I'll be the most hated. Either way, I'm always on his mind; the first to pop up when something bad happens (he always blames me), the one who turns his face red the most (in anger) the one who's smile makes his heart race (because he detests it so much).

I need that. When you look at it in general... what makes it all that different from love?

Why am I thinking of him? Why didn't they restrain me? Why are my cheeks so wet?

Since I finally have the strength I roll over and bury my face into the thin, uncomfortable pillow. Its the only one I have but I don't care, I'll deal with the damp fabric; its not like I haven't before.

This would be the second time in two days I'm crying into a pillow because of that stupid monster. Must be a new record. But I can't help it! It hurts so bad– no, not my wrist, my chest, it hurts and my heart's pounding and so is my head but I can't stop crying, even when I grit my teeth and its all so overwhelming I can't even hear the heart monitor anymore. I've even tuned out my own sobs, but I'm sure they sound pathetic. I feel stupid and I know I do because I'm acting like a lovesick schoolgirl but I guess I pretty much am one!

Maybe... maybe some day I'll be over this. Maybe I'll grow up and realize this was all pointless, and I'll laugh at myself for acting this way. Maybe I'll figure out I never loved him. But... I've tried to think that way before, I've tried to push it away, but it always came back. Always.

I feel a little calmer now, and my breathing is slower... I take a deep yet shaky breath and manage to hear what sounds like footsteps, but only one set and really close. I take another breath and then there's a warmth on the back of my head, in my hair– its a hand, but who's? Too big for my mom or sisters', a doctor, then? But why would a doctor touch my head like that?

I slowly turn my head, peaking out from my pillow to see–
"Sh-Shizu-chan...?"

Well, fuck. I can't hide anything now.

"Izaya... I'm sorry."
Wait... what.

"You... what? S-sorry? Wh... when– why...?" I can't even form a proper sentence. What the hell is going on? Shizu-chan's here and he's not killing me and his hand is still in my hair and his thumb is moving and its nice and gentle and what is going on!

"This is... this is my fault, isn't it? All of this... its because of me, right?"
Damn the heart monitor for jumping just then.

"What... what makes you say that?" I sound so small...
"You didn't respond to that text yesterday... usually you always reply with some stupid comment or retort but you didn't. And I just had a sinking feeling that I did something really, really wrong... Yeah, yeah, I felt a bit guilty." He lowers his eyes a bit and turns to look at something on the floor to my right. Probably nothing but linoleum.

My breath catches in my throat and I try to speak but nothing comes out. I opt for rolling over to lie on my back, and he helps me sit up. But after I'm already sitting he doesn't remove his arm from my shoulders and it kind of resembles a sideways hug and now I feel my face heating up as the heart monitor's pace increases.

"I... I guess you aren't as much of a protozoan as I thought..." I try to laugh a little, but its pathetic. I look up and oh god that smile.

"I've never seen you cry before... its interesting but I don't think I like it." My eyes widen and the sheets have become a lifeline in my grip as I feel his surprisingly soft fingers on my cheek and I realize he's wiping away my tears.
"Sh-Shizuo..."
"I meant what I said. I really am sorry. I didn't realize... I didn't realize how you felt."
I shrugged slightly, letting my head fall sideways to lean on his chest. He didn't flinch or anything... I'm glad, because I needed to hear his heartbeat to make sure this was real. "How could you... I hid it damn well... heh." I chuckled, a little more believable this time.

"Well yeah, all you did was piss me off all the time." Shizu-chan said, laughing a bit and petting my hair. It was nice. Comforting. I could really get used to this...
"Though, I don't know how I feel about you right now. I know I don't hate you but I don't know if I lo– …share the same feelings you have for me." he told me cautiously, and I understand. Though it was kind of obvious what he was about to say.
"Hey, who says I like you, eh? Just because you hating me makes me... well, its not a confession, or anything!" His eyes widened a bit when I said this, and he slightly pulled away to look at my face.
"E-eh? It doesn't? I thought– well I assumed– you don't...?" Heh, he's all flustered and he can't keep his eyes in one spot. Shizu-chan really is adorable. I couldn't help but giggle, for real this time.

"Calm down protozoan, I'm kidding.. I really do... ehm... yeah." Well, damn, I'm too much of a coward to say it. Whatever. "And, I understand that you probably need time, but... I hope you'll be able to overlook all of what I've done to you... Some day... It was only for your attention, you see..."
"Thought so." he nodded and lied me back down, cradling my head like I was some fragile baby. I shivered as he lightly brushed my dark bangs out of my eyes, and I can't help but want more of this.

"W-why so gentle, Shizu-chan...?"
"Because, I can't seem to allow myself to hurt you like this."

Fuckin' heart monitor.
Without a word, but with a lot of effort, I lift my arms to wrap them around his neck and pull him closer. He's surprised at first, but hugs me back eventually and I can feel his warm breath on my ear. Somehow this makes me shiver again.

"I promise, things will be different now..."

And they were.