Cosmic Comedy - some things only a god can see the humour in.

Thirty year old Aiden - the husband, the father of two - is finding himself in a situation that every guy would laugh his ass off if he found someone else in it. Too bad he's the guy in it. Self insert, gender bender!

Chapter 1

8-8

This wasn't how I imagined I'd spend my day off. At all. But then, that wasn't really all that surprising given the circumstances. It was supposed to be a quiet relaxing day. The kids were by my mother-in-law, the wife had to work... everything was planned well in advance. I was supposed to kick back, relax, put up my feet.

Instead I got a call from my sister-in-law saying that she got into another fight with her worthless boyfriend – where did she even find these lowlifes? So I ended up having to put on my superman cape and 'flying' over there. Of course that led to me getting a speeding ticket. Which I fully intended to make her pay for! Hey, I love the girl (like a sister, keep your eye on the ball), but I was nobody's gopher.

When I got to her apartment, the front door was broken off its hinges. The mirror in the hallway was in pieces, blood leading deeper into the apartment. I followed the trail, and what do I find? Her son, holding his arm where a splinter of glass is sticking out!

I asked him what happened, but all he did is cry. He's in pain, of course he's crying! I asked him where his mother was – while taking him to the bathroom where the first aid kit usually was. Step one was of course to remove the splinter. Step two was making sure not only did I get out all of the glass, but that it was the only piece in there! I'd have to take him to the ER to make sure. Only God knew how long he was left like this in the first fucking place!

Seriously, where the fuck was that girl? Whatever. Best to just focus on the task at hand.

Anyway, a few basic steps later and I had one very upset four year old trying to explain me in very bad linguistics what happened. Still, he trusted me enough to talk at all – a good thing at this point.

"En mammie zei dat ie weg moest, want hij maakte haar zo boos. En hij wilde niet weg, hij zei dat hij van haar hield en dat hij boos zou worden als hij-" Yeah, did I forget to mention that her son –just like my kids– don't speak a word of English. Yeah. Bilingual bullshit, was still bullshit. Translation being that his mom told the BF to fuck off, he's been pissing on her parade. He wasn't happy with that arrangement and got pissed the fuck off. Yea.

Wonderful. Now where the fuck was she? I was missing Muppets do Manhattan.

"..." He suddenly went silent. He's looking right next to me, at someone in their eyes. He's not happy with what he sees. In fact, I know that look – he's scared.

"Ben jij die nieuwe nigger?" Was I the new nigger? Bitch, I'm white as snow – just 'cause I married a nigger and bang the shit out of her on a regular basis didn't change that.

"Nee, de zwager. Waar is zij?" I explained that I was the brother-in-law, and had no fucking clue where she was.

"Je liegt tot je barst." No, dumb ass, I wouldn't be here if I was the new guy. What the fuck is your problem?

"Wat jij wil. Luister, als je niet weet waar die chickie is, ga ik met de joh van door. 't is niet veilig hier voor 'm." Maybe I should have asked his dumb ass if he spoke English. This was getting tedious! I hated speaking Dutch on my off days! It took too much out of me.

"Pak je mie boi van me af?" Great, he thought that was a declaration of imminent kidnapping.

"Moet ik 'm soms hier laten dan?! Zo dat hij weer glass in z'n arm kan krijgen? Of zodat hij mischien door een buur meegenomen kan worden?" There ain't no way I was leaving my flesh and blood here, not with how this house fucking looked!

"Mie boi is mie probleem! Donder maar lekker op!" Your boy, your problem? What do you have the IQ of a goldfish? He's four, you've known him for four months. Do the math!

"Waar was je dan? Waarom moest ik gebeld worden?" Where the hell were you, when I was getting a frantic call? I ain't no fucking emergency services operator!

"Moet ik er soms wat van gaan maken?" No I didn't want no fucking problems, but that's why I told her ass to get a good boy to settle down with! Learn to fucking read before you come to me with your ignorant shit!

"Zoals het huis? Was dit een voorbeeld van 'wat van maken'?" I motioned to the carnage around me. The blood on the floor, the broken glass, doors... and whatever I haven't even gotten to see yet!

"Weet maar nooit." He shrugged in what some might consider 'bad boy style'. I just considered it stupid, and ignorant. Par for the course.

Yup. Then my nephew decides he won't go to him when he's called. Definitely not my fucking day. The next thing I knew –and for no fucking reason I can figure out, don't need Google translate to figure out some shit went wrong– a gun was drawn, pointed... and popped.

Funny how you could remember all those survivor stories at that point. The people who said they never heard the shot, never knew they were hit until the adrenaline wore off. They're all full of shit.

I heard the shot. I felt the fucker hit me in the chest. I even remember telling my nephew to run. Right before I jabbed the scissors I had just used to apply the gauze –sorry, I was a Licensed Practitioner Nurse, I worked on professional cut cleaning– right into his jugular vein, severing it. Funny thing about those who learn to heal... we knew what can't be healed. Don't fuck with us, or ours.

Another few rounds go off, and I feel each and every one of them hit me. I couldn't give any less of a fuck – the first one punctured my left lung, I wasn't going to make it any fucking way. This just sped up the process.

Why wouldn't I make it? I mean, I'd seen people with worst get saved every day. Well, two things are against me, and both of them are time related. One, we're on the fifteenth floor, which means ambulance workers would have to get the fuck up here – which in itself is half the challenge seeing as there is always a delay in them getting called, then the delay in deploying... and the assessing the situation... blah de blah de blah. Then there's the simple fact that –this being the 'bad side of town'– the elevator wasn't working. That's fifteen floors they would have to WALK up to reach me.

Yup, with a lung puncture time was of the essence. And time was not on my side. Well, at least I was taking this fucktard with me. Hell, we might end up kicking the bucket at the same time. Shit, he don't deserve to see me leave. You die first, bitch!

Too bad I didn't get one last kiss from my daughter though. She's such a daddy's girl. And my boy, my son. He's going to be so smart when he grows up. I wonder what he'll want to be. A doctor? A race car driver? A soccer player? God, not a soccer player! I hate that fucking sport. Yup, he's going to be a soccer player. You always get what you hate most. Well, I do.

Was it getting dark? Nah... that's just the low oxygen to the brain fucking with me. Well, it was a good ride. Maybe I'd get lucky and get to keep an eye on the kids? Dunno. Not a whole lot of dead people like to tell me what they do in the afterlife – they prefer to talk shit about what they did in life, talk about fucked up priorities. I guess now's a good time to ask, right?

8-8

PEEP... PEEP... PEEP... PEEP... PEEP

I survived? Right... that happened in the ghetto. Guy gets shot five or six times in the chest, passes out and survives. Mm hm, hear about that every day.

PEEP... PEEP... PEEP... PEEP... PEEP

Well, that does sound like a heart monitor. Maybe the ambulance was already on the way? No, I would have heard them. Kind of a twist when you work in a hospital, your ears are trained to pick out the sound of an ambulance.

PEEP... PEEP...

That was fucking annoying! I wasn't dead, so turn that shit off!

PEEP!

FUCK YOU! I hated having to wake up to that shit! You have no idea how easy it is to fall asleep to it though... Umm, I didn't say that, and you sure as hell didn't hear it! Not from me. Nope. I knows nothing.

PEEP... PEEP... PEEP

I got the fucking point! Should I have just open my fucking eyes and turned that shit off myself? Nah, that would've just fill the room to the brim with assholes in white trying to 'save my life'. Fuck you, I had the right! I knew all those assholes. And I can say from personal experience that they are in fact assholes.

PEEP

You know what, I'd take my chances with the assholes. I opened my eyes – well, more like they just flung themselves open – and I was already disconnecting those bullshit plugs that nurses sooooo loved plugging their John Does with. Seriously, do you know the name of the last guy you hooked up to the works in an Intensive Care Unit? I don't.

Good thing I work Medium Care, huh? Well, worked, depending on how bad this shit is. I'd known quite a few colleagues who couldn't work no more because of one type of bullshit or another.

PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Ahh, music to my ears! This was where I usually step the fuck back and go back to my Medium Care department, where I didn't ever hear that heart stopping sound. Seriously, work ICU for twenty minutes and you hate that sound more than you hate your ex-wife calling you at two in the morning – not that I'd know. The ex-wife calling, not the hating the sound.

As predicted the room was filled with the white coats within seconds. All trying to assess the situation quicker than the person next to them.

"Calm the fuck down!" I told them, still plugging out the bullshit I was strung up on. I hated these fucking things. But then, the only things I can claim to actually like, probably shouldn't be said in decent company. Like sex. I like sex. The only reason why I wanted kids – getting them is half the fun!

"You... you're... how?"

"You asking me? I just got here." I joked. They were all staring at me, in varying degrees of wonder and awe. What was this, the Coma Unit? Not a fun place to work, most patients there counted their time like jailbirds (in my opinion). No one to talk to during your shift. Not fun.

"How are you-"

"If you want to ask me another question, it better be what I want to eat. Cause that's about all I know anything about right now. All I know is that I was shot, passed out and now I'm being herded by a bunch of top shelf white coats. The rest you guys will have to clue me in on." Wait a fucking minute... why am I not screaming out in pain? Shot in the chest, but no pain? I'm not even hooked up on...

I looked at the bags my IV was hooked up to. Nope, no drugs. All low percentage salt water. Well, that and another bag for food, but that just leaves you feeling hungrier. So I pulled that fucker outta my nose, wondering why I had to figure this shit out! That's what we pay ridiculously high insurance premiums to pay doctors for! Work, bitches. Work those overly evolved, highly amusing brains to figure this shit out yourselves!

Where the fuck was my whip when I needed it? DANCE PUPPETS!

Okay, you see that? That's an I'm-hungry-so-hurry-up-and-feed-me sign right there! See the sign, follow the sign. See the sign, follow the sign. "Um, people, food! Hungry!" Fuck. They're going to call in a nurse to fucking do that, weren't they? We're an under-appreciated lot. And often underpaid too! Don't think we didn't notice that shit!

They're just going to fucking stand there and stare. "NURSE! FOOD! PATIENT! HUNGRY!" Shit, I know the rules. Paying patient says they're hungry, you feed them!

"How can you even move?"

"Well, that's thanks to a complex nerve system that translates bio-electric signals from the brain into instruction for muscles, which then actuate a clench or release response in the muscle tissue. It takes a few years to figure it out, but after living as long as I have... I think I mastered that particular act. Don't you agree?" I could see a little mirth in one of their eyes, but the others were even more gob smacked now. "Didn't you learn that shit in one of your medical books? I'm sure you had to pick up on that little titbit by now!" I was not playing medical comedian right now! That shit was cute when I was starting my shift, or ending it early. Not when you dipshits won't feed me! Shit, parrots at a local zoo get better treatment than this!

"Ahhhhh..." Cat got your tongue?

"Look, as intellectually stimulating as this is –and personally gratifying– I am hungry. So either fill me in on what I missed, or call someone who can make sure I don't pass out from hunger." Hell, pointing me in the direction of the kitchen would be better than staring at me! I knew how dumb I looked in this dumb ass-gown you stuck me in! I made fun of people in it every fucking day! Well, not every day. I only worked five days a week, so technically they'd gotten two days off from my teasing them.

Not the point. Point is: feed the talking idiot, then ask him stupid questions. Keep the order in mind!

The one that was laughing –on the inside– got her gears running, and decided to go get something for me to eat. I hoped. Leave it to a woman to keep her wits about her. Anything that makes her get the food faster is good. Pro-choice! Women's rights! Ra ra ra! Run bitch run!

Was nothing sacred? No. Not really. God has a sense of humour, why shouldn't I? What you think he doesn't? The smarter of the sexes (females) are the most emotionally charged creatures under the sun. That is fucking hilarious! She can fuck you up so sweetly you'll be thanking her, until you actually understand.

"Ahh! Food! Bless you!" Standard shut up food: two slices of bread, one white one wheat. A slice of cheese, a slice of ham and some cold butter. Warm butter would be easier to work with, but it's unhygienic over longer periods of time. And I really watch way too fucking much discovery channel! STOP DISCOVERING!

I'll be here all week – if the penguins here have anything to say about it. "What's your name?"

"Why, was I robbed?" I grabbed the one slice of wheat, unpacked the cheese – because of course it is kept in a plastic wrap for hygiene. "You should have checked my ID while I was out. And judging from the fact that I don't see any holes in my chest, I'm guessing I was out for a few weeks at least."

"How much do you know?" Polly wanna cracker?

"Five or six entry wounds in the chest. Didn't turn around to count the exit wounds, sorry." I joked, again getting the mirthful look from the –what I assume to be, simply because she still had a personality– nurse. What? Stick your head up your ass long enough and you'll be talking shit too!

"Anything else?" Yeah, you're timing sucks.

"Punctured lung from the first and likely third entry. I'm guessing the last two or three snapped my ribs. Mmm, probably bruising to my left thumb from when I stabbed the asshole that shot me. And the smell of alcohol on my finger tips from disinfecting a splinter wound on my nephew. Probably pinpoint bruising on my finger tips from fishing out the broken splinter pieces in his arm too – like you would normally get from pressing against the back of a needle while sewing. Anything more than that and we're getting too personal for your ears. Unless you want to hear about the probable bullet to the heart. Which is why I doubted my survival altogether." Which was true, after my first assessment of time killing me.

"Who are you?" The woman asked, well her I'd answer straight, she earned that much – she fed me.

"Name's Aiden. Most peeps call me Aid. Stupid, yes. But not a lot of nurses in my personal circle of friends." I told her, getting a nod in response. "And you're..."

"Sakura." She smiled at me.

"That's a pretty name. Sakura, blossoming in the springtime. It fits." I smiled, offering one of the few compliments they would likely get out of me.

"Thanks." She blushed as pink as her hair. Um... okay. Must be a nurse, not a lot of people like to dye their hair pink. Especially not doctors.

"So anyway. Since we're playing twenty questions, how bout I take a turn as ask a few." Sakura nodded, obviously taking it upon herself to speak, since the other idiots are still staring in awe. It's just a fucking sandwich, you dicks! "How long was I out?"

"We're not sure. You were unconscious when we found you, but bleeding pretty badly. We assume no more than an hour at that point. And it's been three months since." Not entirely unexpected.

"Okay, I can deal with that. What's with the 'holy shit, why are you alive' treatment? I figure you guys would have gotten over that since I didn't die." I thumbed the gaggle of idiots that seem to be regressing into premed state of mind – 'OMG, is that a patient? ' 'Will I be responsible for saving his life?'

"Well, it's more of a shock to hear you talking. Honestly, they were expecting something... different." She's choosing her words carefully. Did I grow a second head while I was sleeping?

"Why? Not a lot of cynical assholes with medical training around?" That got another giggle out of her. I like her. She feeds people.

"Something like that." She shrugged.

"Um, the thing about twenty questions is that you gotta answer the question. No dancing around it and pretending to answer it non-verbally." That seemed to kick start one of the white coats.

"Who are you?"

"Down Fido!" I joked. Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Asshole. Finally speaks up to sound like a gibbering idiot with no brain. Swear you were a doctor, or something. "Now why are you people so shocked about me? There is a logical reason and I want to hear it."

"Well, medical fluke aside, with you waking up from a coma and all... you sound much older than you look." Sakura finally pointed out.

"Wow, do I? Well, things could be worse. I could sound like doctor." I thumbed at the gaggle, who were still gawking. And getting on my fucking nerves worse than the Peeping from earlier. "So where the hell's the family then? Surely the wife's been haunting this place for me to wake up."

"..." Silence. Not good. Fuck, she didn't visit. I'm going to rip her a new one when I see her! Last time she was in the hospital they had to kick me the fuck out!

"Fine, no visitors. I get it. Then where am I? I don't recognize none of you, so I can't be in my hometown."

"You're in Konoha's hospital." Right. Too many dye jobs to cover the blondness? Wait... she's Asian. Asians aren't natural blondes. Well, the stereotype states there are no dumb Asians either. Oh well, every rule has an exception. She's lucky I liked her.

"Right... Konoha. Sure. Okay. So then where is the Hokage? Must be dying to talk to this mysterious stranger popping out of nowhere." Play along with the crazies and they'll think you're on their side. I've worked Psyche Wards before. Not fun, but dark humor goes a long way in that circle. I used to fit right in. Then I graduated, and I slipped right out. Poor things.

"Actually, yes. Tsunade-sama has been monitoring you herself for some time." You got it, you got it bad... where the hell is Usher when you need him? Hope he's not in the closet with R Kelly. Poor bastard. South Park knocked that ball outta the park. Anyway. You feed me, I entertain you. It's the law of the Nurse-Patient relationship.

"Cool, well I'm awake. Whenever she has to time to prize herself from her paperwork and booze, I'll be here. Unless the penguin brigade thinks I can leave sooner." I turned to the idiots, who were still just standing there – staring. Rude! And non-responsive. "Did you guys OD on paint thinner on the way to work?" Inside joke. Can't explain, it kills it. And killing is against the Medical staff code. Unless you are trying to kill us, in which case... you get the point.

No response. Shocking. Well, I'm not full, but not starving. I think I'll just shoo them from my pretty cage and stare out at the horizon or something. "Okay, fine. I'll stay! You don't have to twist my arm!" Still no response. "Sakura, could you get them outta here. They're getting on my nerves." She giggled, ushering out the gaggle of 'The Scream' wannabees. Fucking idiots.

8-8

Well, forever and a half later –or hours I've lost track of– and still no sign of 'Tsunade'. I guessed that just meant that I was playing host to a bunch of 'psychies', which was a nice way to call the psyche ward patients. There are not nice ways too, but I'll refrain. What? Work the field before you cast judgment!

Sakura came back a few times, bringing some food for me. Actual food! Rice, greens –I told her I was a vegetarian, so she treated me like a rabbit that could hold rice– and what she claims to be tofu. Not going to follow that tofu that looks just like fish or chicken routine. Thanks. I passed.

Then the sun started to set. Well, I had a horrible view –tree branches– so low lighting was my only real clue about that. Sucks to be me. "Hey, Sakura, where's the bathroom? I gotta wiz!" I tried being polite. I knew some Asian chicks didn't like to hear about guys going to pee. Again, Nurse-Patient relationship... She fed me.

"Let me show you." I hopped out of the bed, hot on her heels as she led me down the hall. She seemed tall for a Japanese. I wasn't not short, and she was heads taller! Weird.

She led me down the hall, to a door with a sign I didn't care to identify. She opened the door, swung it open for me, turned on the light and asked me if I'd be alright alone. All standard procedure, so I didn't chew her head off – I wanted her to feed me later! What? A guy's gotta eat! Just go easy on the 'tofu' next time, okay pumpkin?

Anyway, you guys know the procedure. Lift up gown to unleash the dragon and let 'er rip! Except things weren't working out quite the way I'd imagined. And we all know how bad things go when it doesn't go like I imagined it.

I felt urine running down my leg, not the nicest feeling in the world. But I'll live. What's more worrying is why I can't find the hose to out the damn fire! Well, the floor can be cleaned, and there's a shower right there to clean myself up...

It had to get done anyway. I ditched the gown, tossing it somewhere behind me. Then I looked down, wondering if there was another injury I was unaware of... Kill me all you want, but Big John better fucking survive!

Yeah. Suicide hotline? This is an emergency.

I'd been through shit in my life. My sarcasm was your best clue to that – every asshole hid behind a well defined line of sarcasm for one reason or another. So, yes, I'd seen some shit. Having said that, I think I took this latest development quite well. I only screamed for a minute! Just one!

Why?

"YOU DECAPITATED ME! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME INSTEAD!" Yup, Big John was gone. Only... when I saw Sakura rushing in to check on me... I looked in the full length mirror... which happened to be next to the door...

'Transsexual' came to mind – in transit between the sexes. This however... is the definition of every normal guy's worst nightmare! "I HAVE A FUCKING VAGINA!" Thankfully I passed out after that.

8-8

"Momma... say it was all a bad dream!" The bad thing about being me... I could feel myself waking up. Well, at least I wasn't waking up to PEEP PEEP PEEP. Fucking peeping tom piece of shit equipment.

"Good morning, Aiden. How'd you sleep?" I hoped that was just my wife, making some stupid ass joke by masking her voice, or using some kind of freaky voice altering program – not entirely unexpected from her.

"I had the weirdest dream." Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been twelve years since my last confession. "I got shot in the chest by Ami's boyfriend, then I woke up and Sakura was my private nurse." Please start laughing. Please start laughing. Why aren't you laughing. "And I had a vagina!" Still not laughing. Still not laughing. FUCK!

"And the problem with that is..." Fu~uuuuuck. I sighed, opening my eyes, trying to actually look around this time. Same stupid gown – still in the hospital. Same stupid white walls that no one understands other than the assholes that design hospitals. It's not like puce would be a better choice, but it's just fucking everywhere!

I got up, dragging this out as long as I could. I really didn't want to turn and see Tsunade sitting there watching me like I had a problem with her gender!

Kicking my legs off the bed, I sat up... almost literally facing the firing squad. There she was, in all her pissed off glory. Long blond hair in two pigtails I couldn't see from this angle. Tits big enough to feed the hungry infants of the world. Weird diamond shape right where her third eye would technically be.

Yup. "Fuck. My. Life." I muttered, rubbing my eyes, hoping the world was just blurry and my mind was filling in the blanks. I opened my eyes again, and lo and behold... Tsunade was still sitting there, staring at me like I pissed her off... or owed her money – which isn't likely to be true.

"You have quite the vocabulary for a young lady." Arms crossed under her breast, legs crossed and tucked to the left. Yup. Closed and not going to give answers easily. This'll be fun!

"I need a drink." I muttered. I'm not usually one for alcohol, unless it's to sterilize something... but the situation calls to get roaring drunk and forget any of this ever fucking happened!

"And an alcoholic. You kids start young."

"I hate getting drunk, but if you wake up tomorrow with a dick where your clit used to be... you might understand my mental state a bit better." That got her attention, medically if nothing else.

"And that would be possible... how?" Asking everything, giving nothing. Yup, a real blast. PARTY OVER HERE!

"When I have the basics of the space-time continuum under my belt, I'll entertain your curiosity." I said, checking one last time if there really was a lack of penis between my legs. Yup. This'll be fun. We'll have a sleepover at my place, bring your dildo! "Cosmic comedy. That's what the fuck this is."

"Why do you say that?" Interrogation, wonderful. Hopefully this isn't Ibiki in a transformation or something.

"Please refer to my jab at you waking up with a dick." I really don't have the mental capacity for this shit right now! "Look, I'll show my cards if you show yours."

"Thanks, but I'm not in the streaking mood."

"Oh, wow. A sense of humour. Thank you, God, for punishing me with this scene!" My voice was dripping with sarcasm, hopefully she picked up on that. Can never tell with some people. "I meant honest answers. There is too much shit I don't get here and if anyone can help me figure it out it's either you or a Nara... unless you have someone with fortune telling skills on deck."

A raised eyebrow was all I got. Wonderful.

"Look, point is I was shot before coming here. As far as my expertise can tell me, I shouldn't have survived. But more important than that, I was a thirty year old male when I was shot. Now unless there's been an experimental brain transplant operation that you green lighted, that means Heaven hates me and sent me here instead." Again, the medic in her flared up. She wanted to understand what the hell was going on, and I figured she could tell I was great with sarcasm, but a horrible liar.

"No operation, other than removing the odd pieces of metal from your ribcage and repairing the broken bone and tissue." That's not a lot, but more than I hoped to hear.

"Okay. So Heaven turned me down, got it." I rolled my eyes, honestly trying to figure out what the hell I did this time!

"You're not joking." She actually seemed surprised.

"You're a medic. How many coma patients wake up thinking they're the wrong gender, let alone a younger age than they remember?" None, that's how much! She didn't even have to answer me. "Look, don't trust me. I couldn't care less. But bring in Inoichi... or Aoba... or that guy with bandages on his head and check my memories. You won't find any memories of me seeing myself as female."

"I know, we checked. That was why the doctors were staring at you when you woke up."

"I knew some shit was up with that! Assholes!" FUCK! "I'm guessing you know more than you'd like to about what I know?"

"Something like that."

"The last time someone told me that, I later found out I was a chick. Care to dumb that down for me?" I guessed blatant honesty worked best on her, seeing as she was actually thinking about that.

"I'm intrigued with what you know. I don't understand it, but I am intrigued." She's still choosing her words carefully.

"Look, I've got nowhere else to go. So don't bet on me leaving town because you were honest to me about not trusting me. I'd prefer to know where the fuck I stand and you are the type to bring that across quite nicely. So level with me." Again, blatant honesty.

"You know things you shouldn't, that no one should. The source of that knowledge is unclear and to make matters worse, you are in possession of something that no one should have."

"Vaginas are illegal here?" I asked, in mocked worry. "Sorry, I'll be serious."

"You have a pathetically weak chakra coil network. Worse than a civilian." She said seriously.

"That hurts." I held my hand over my heart, blinking like I was holding back tears.

"And yet you are capable of using medical jutsu somehow." Her hands gripped her biceps slightly.

"And how the fuck is that possible? And how would you even know that? I don't even know that!" Where the fuck is that guy from Twilight Zone?

"Your medical knowledge is a fluke then?" She's all business again. I guess dropping her name so frugally earlier put her on high alert.

"They're called books. Every library in the world has them. You know what, this is going nowhere! You don't believe me, and I sure as hell don't blame you. But if you can scan my memories, you should know what I know." Then another thought hit me. "Besides, if my chakra coil system is so weak, why the fuck would you care? Oh, right. Gotta make sure I'm not some spy sent here to copy all your village secrets I have no fucking use for. And sell them to people who would sooner kill me than pay me. Makes perfect sense!" I was ranting. But in case you haven't noticed, that is perfectly normal for me. Especially given the circumstances.

After that I just clammed up. She had nothing more to ask, and I didn't trust my own (?) voice enough to speak. You know how guys would say that another guy is acting like a girl getting her first period... yeah, we don't like hearing that any more than the prospect of actually facing said period.

8-8

"You need to eat, Aiden." Sakura kept telling me. She'd been by to visit/monitor me every hour on the hour since Tsunade left. How fucking cute is this? I'd bet Naruto would give his left nut for this chance. Or maybe he wouldn't. Who knew what the boy was thinking half the damn time.

"Why?" Was the answer to her every question, and she knew it. Not a whole lot of will to live, in a man that just found out he's a ten year old girl. At all, in fact. I was being dead serious when I said to shoot me.

"Tsunade-sama isn't as mean as you think she is, you know." Right. Cause you are so much better.

I didn't even want to know why that time.

"She's just being cautious with someone no one knows anything about." Sure she is. She more than likely saw the bullshit in your future and is this close to freaking out.

"No she isn't, and you know it." Finally gave in. Hearing a never ending tirade of statements and questions reminded me too much of my wife... best to end that habit early in this relationship.

"Why would you say that?" Polite interrogation?

"Let me guess, your teacher asked you to talk to me and is keeping an ANBU stationed in here to monitor and report anything interesting?" Don't ask why I thought that. It's just something I would do. "Well, look, that's fine. Not like it matters. The fact is that I know everything and nothing at the same time. Everything you think is relevant, means nothing to me. Everything I think is relevant, means nothing to you. So we are all currently at an impasse. The only thing is, I have no power to do anything about it." I crossed my arms, refusing to even look at that chicken 'substitute' in my plate – for the umpteenth time since it was placed in front of me.

"So, how can we help you then?" She asked, choosing her words carefully.

"I don't know." I said, shrugging. Hell, I tossed my hands up in surrender. There was nothing I understood at that moment in time.

"Why don't we start with what you do know, and work our way from there?" She offered. That sounded great in theory. Other than that I don't know which ANBU was there, and I didn't fucking trust people by definition.

"Sure! Why don't we start with your bra size, and I'll figure out mine accordingly?" She clearly picked up on the sarcasm there, the tick mark that didn't appear told me as much. Maybe talking about breasts and bras to another female isn't considered taboo? I dunno, never had breasts to talk about – manboobs don't count.

"Not sure how that helps. But maybe we should start small. Like how old you are."

"Thirty." Not even batting an eye. See how well you cope with that answer.

"No, Aid, I mean the age you currently are." How old I really am?

"What is this, reprogramming 101?"

"No, but we can't let you out into the world if you answer that you are a thirty year old man stuck in a ten year old girl's body, now can we?" Well that ACTUALLY made sense.

"Fine. I'm ten."

"Good, now what's your name?"

"Aiden."

"Ah-ah, Tsunade-sama has come up with a cover for you, to make up for her... behaviour. Your name is Senju Ai." Great, I've just been adopted. Still, she said 'cover' a little funny...

"Fine. But then no cracks about the underdeveloped chakra system. Not befitting a Senju, now is it?" I crossed my arms, pouting. God I hope that didn't come over as cute and girly – it's something I did when I wanted to tease someone! Like small children!

"Have I made one?" Point.

"Fine. Name's Ai." I was mentally counting down to the 'act like a lady' bullshit I knew they'd hit me with eventually.

"Good. So you're ten, and named Ai. How about where you're from?" Loaded questions? Wonderful.

"Not around here, obviously. There'd be a paper trail for that. I'm from far, far away that I know enough about to pass, but not so much that I'd want to talk about it openly. My sarcasm will come in handy that way." She nodded at my assessment.

"You're from the Land of Bears. You were born there, which is why Tsunade knows you're her kin – she was the midwife to your mother."

"It's Tenzou in here, isn't it?" I asked, smirking when I sensed a gasp in the corner. "Yup, hey there! Don't worry, I can't prove a thing." The only ANBU I could say I trusted. But then, I didn't know most of them. Other than that purple haired chick. Yuugao? Whatever. "Right. Land of Bears. Born and raised. Next." Things were going better than I hoped for! Tsunade must have been REALLY sorry. Or just fucking sympathetic seeming some of the trauma I went through. Oh well. Whatever cooked the rice.

"Good. Land of Bears, Ai, ten. Parents?" She asked. Is she making this up as she goes?

"Got me." I shrugged, eyeing her a bit closer. Something wasn't adding up...

"You were raised by two farmers."

"A redneck Senju. That'll work." I pointed out, testing her reaction. If she's winging it, she'll just go with my reaction. If not, it's actually a plan.

"Okay, raised on a farm." Not winging it. "The woman that raised you beat you."

"Not that hard to fake. And it would explain the wounds, wouldn't it?" Yup, they saw a bit too much. Nah... WAY too fucking much.

"Good, good. Now, just one last thing. You hate talking about your past. You live for today and look forward to tomorrow." She was smiling ear to ear, like she had won some kind of prize, or something.

"Fuck that! I ain't signing on to that bullshit! I am not a morning person!" How much was set in stone? Enough to overrule my complaint?

"Repeat after me, and we can start signing you into the Academy and start making some nice friends." She is wearing a patient smile that makes me want to smack her.

"Set in stone. Got it. I hate talking about my past, brings up bad memories. I live for today and look forward to tomorrow." I really need to talk to Tsunade about that shit! Seriously! One day at a time? This isn't an AA meeting! I'm not in rehab!

8-8

I chose now to remember I hated school? Well, primary school at least. Now that I was facing Iruka's class, staring right at Konohamaru, Moegi and Udon... and Hanabi? She was in his class? Prissy little doll, that one.

Did I have ADD or something?

"Good morning, my name is Ai. I'm not from around here, so I probably don't care about half the crap you talk about. I'm friendly to anyone who feeds me, and I am not afraid to break your arm if you try stupid shit. Questions?" Great way to share! Now keep your applause to yourself.

"What's your family name, Ai?" Iruka asked, a bit put out by my language but unsure how to deal with me just yet. Should I call him sensei? Hm, no harm, no foul.

"Senju." Well that got the buzz started. Gotta remember to be nice to Tsunade for that little leg up in the world.

"As in Senju clan, Senju?" One boy asked. No clue who he was, so he's not important. Was he wearing a helmet?

"None of your business. Should you be any more curious, you can ask Hokage-sama for more details. Now, keep your autograph requests to yourself, 'cause I am not that type. Sensei, where can I sit?" He smiled at me, nodding to the spot next to Moegi. Which also happened to be next to Hanabi. Great.

"Thank you." I went to my new seat, greeted both girls politely and simply waited for the lecture to begin.

Which was about history. An actually interesting subject for me. It was like Discovery Channel meets Naruto! Gotta love that!

Still it wasn't that interesting after the first ten minutes, but I learned some interesting facts that I could never use! Trivia night at my place!

8-8

Break time. The exact timeslot I hated about primary school. Moegi quickly excused herself, saying she was going to play with Konohamaru – which was to be expected. What was not to be expected, was Hanabi asking me to sit with her for lunch. Something I didn't pack – shocking, seeing that Sakura actually meant that I would sign in for school, and I started immediately.

Well, nothing to lose, I guess. I was never a Hanabi fan, but maybe she has enough Hinata in her to gloss her over.

"An interesting subject, history." She's grasping for straws.

"Quite. I thought he dragged it on a bit longer than he should have, but he got the point across." I helped as best I could. I'm not used to the prim and proper, but I guess she could help me not piss off the head of the clan... right?

"True. So tell, me Ai, do you like it here?" Straws?

"I don't know. I don't know anyone, or anything. I'm just... floating with the river right now. And it sucks." I couldn't help myself, that last bit of slang just flipped out! I could only be so philosophical!

She giggled. "I'll bet. I don't want to pry into your reasons, but if you want to talk... I'm here, okay?" She really was Hinata's little sister!

"Thanks." WRRRR! Shit... "Sorry... didn't grab my bento on the way out the door." That was embarrassing! No wonder girls hated it! Wait, did I just think that?

"That's okay, I made too much anyway. You want some?" She offered.

"That is sooo sweet... but I'm a vegetarian... Kinda hard to separate the... food... after mixing." WRRRRRRRR! "But, I can make an exception, this once!" I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!

We sat down, eating her food – which was surprisingly well prepared. It turned out that Sakura was serious about the tofu jab... Hanabi had the same stuff and swore it was not dead animal – yes, I asked it like that. You can never be too sure!

I can honestly say that... for the first time... I was looking forward to school again. Weird how that worked.

8-8

Once school let out, I saw Sakura waiting for me. Strange... I could almost sense that 'Cat' ANBU, who shall henceforth be nameless other than Cat... *COUGH*tenzou*COUGH*

I really was weird. "See you tomorrow, Hanabi!" I waved at my new friend, wondering that I would use that tag so freely with her. Well, she was waving back, already walking away with another white eyed guy. I guessed that was Kou, but I couldn't be sure. He didn't introduce himself.

"Hey Sakura, how was work?" I asked, trying to be polite. What? If I was stuck as a chick, I might as well play the fucking part! I'd just be the psycho on the inside, lady on the outside kind of chick that seemed to fit so well in this generation...

"I wouldn't know, I have to work the night shift." She laughed, then asked how my first day was.

"Weird. Learning things that never would have made much sense. Did you know that Konoha was actually the village of the Senju clan, and that they invited dozens of clans to join their ranks before the Land of Fire was officially formed?" There'd better be some kind of Trivial Pursuit game in this village!

"Yes, but I haven't thought about it much since graduation. It's not exactly-"

"Something that you need to know for the rest of your life. I know. But I'm good at remembering little details no one else cares about!" I griped. Well, some things never changed. Even though your gender just might. Fucking weird!

"Well, it comes in handy. So, we're off to your new home. Try to remember everything you can about the route there, and we'll see if you can remember the way when you go to the Academy tomorrow, okay?" Got it, learning experience. It'd help to record more useless bullshit onto a hard drive already full beyond capacity.

"Roger." I saluted, smirking inwardly when she blanched. I was sooo looking up Gai and Lee to mess with people!

We took a left, crossed a park, over a bridge, shimmied by the blacksmith... through a shopping street and passed the Hokage Tower. Through another shopping street – this one was filled with female clothing stores. You can always tell the gender the store caters to by what is clearly visible from the outside. After that, we took a left passed the drugstore and into what I could only guess to be an archway.

"Let me guess... Senju District?" Sakura seemed surprised at my knowledge. It really was a guess. She should have been paying better attention.

"Yes. Shizune should be in the main house waiting on you." She motioned me ahead. I just rolled my eyes, staying put. "You know the way?"

"No, I was actually guessing." I told her honestly. Smart people... real smart. She was gracious enough to lead the rest of the way, up to a large house. "Thank, you Sakura. I really appreciate it." Maybe I should just stick to the biting sarcasm everyone already expected of me.

"No problem. I'll see you soon, okay?" She left, questions in her eyes. So many questions. I fucking hate those psychology classes right now!

I walked up to the door, wondering if I should take my shoes off or not. I just knocked, amazed that a tallish woman with short black hair opened the door.

"Welcome, Ai." She smiled, but clearly didn't mean it. I shut the door, hoping to get the worst out of the way quickly.

"Cut the crap, Shizune. You know you don't like me, and I have no intention of pretending you do." I glared at her, wondering why I seemed to make a point of pissing people off. "I am playing along with a written script, so please allow some kind of leeway for me to actually get pissed off from time to time, okay?" Her eyes softened. I just sighed. "I'm sorry. It's not your fault, I just..." I sighed again. I never was any good at airing my emotions. Frustration, yes... emotion... jury's still out on that one.

"No, I'm sorry. I guess I didn't see this from your perspective. Please, let me show you to your room." She walked ahead, still holding Tonton. I never did like that pig for some reason. Just don't ask why. Not a pig fan, I guess.

She walked up a flight of stairs, opening a door at the end of the hall. "This is your room. It isn't much, but it has everything you need. The bathroom is right across the hall from you, and the kitchen and living room are downstairs." She's grasping at straws too. Why couldn't people just come out and say what the fuck was on their mind?

"Thanks." She nodded, turning to leave. "Shizune?" She turned to face me again. Her eyes were asking what I needed, not what I wanted. "What's it like, growing up in Konoha?"

8-8

There I was. In a stranger's land. In a stranger's house. Wow. To think I actually missed my home. Well, my kids – that went without saying. But I meant more... the grocer down the street. The idiots who always hung out on the block. The... going from store to store, studying their prices and aiming for only the best deals.

Home was not just the four walls that made up your house... it's the environment in which you find yourself at ease. And this place wasn't it.

I'd been laying there, staring at the ceiling for God knew how long. And all I could think about was that the ceiling I was used to had a patch I enjoyed staring at. Right next to the light fixture. Weird what you miss, isn't it?

I'd been half expecting Tsunade to come here soon, to lay down the law. Kind of a regular thing with your family. It's what I would have done. Hell, I wouldn't mind, so long as I could actually ask her some questions. I had lot of questions. Always did. Questions like... why she adopted me. What she expected of me. What she knew, and how much more did she want to know. Was I family, or was this just a friendly way of saying, 'you're stuck with me, live with it'. Was I a security risk to Konoha, or was I actually someone she saw potential in? Could I ever go back home? Was there something she knew that she wasn't saying about my home? What did she (or whoever read my memories) see? Something that I would find embarrassing?

Question after question. My mind was a whirl with questions. And no one to ask them to.

Sure, Shizune was accommodating to my simpler questions, which were more of a way to let her get to know me... I guess. But... it's not the same. There were things I didn't understand that I couldn't ask just anyone, and unfortunately, Tsunade had a village to run.

I was half tempted to ask the ANBU that I knew was still watching me... but what would be the point? They had no real opinion... none that mattered to me anyway.

I could go exploring the house, see what's there. But I wasn't even sure if there were 'off limits' rooms around that I really didn't need the headache trying to avoid without knowing.

So basically, my world was a bedroom with a closet full of space, a bathroom across the hall, which had one towel and a washrag. And no way of knowing anything I needed to know.

Wonderful. Just fucking wonderful. And where the hell was I in the storyline? Konohamaru's in the Academy and Tsunade's Hokage. That put me after the Sand-Sound invasion, but before bad shit happens. Wonderful. Should I stop things, change things? No point, Tsunade already knew. It's on her.

So what do I do? Do I train to become a shinobi – I'm working on considering myself a female, which is hard enough. Do I want to be a medical nin? Do I want something completely different this time around? Did I enjoy nursing that much?

I dunno. Too many questions. No one to help me sort them out.

And did I even like being called 'Ai'? Sounds like a drunken hello. I'm used to hearing 'Ai', as in 'hEY', and 'den' as in 'DONE'... or perhaps 'AID' and 'N'... depending on one's pronunciation. Now it's 'Ai' as in 'hI', or 'flY', or 'gUY'... or 'dIE'. Wonderful. And none of it was in my control. Just fucking wonderful. And I still haven't even heard what 'other' responsibilities came with the Senju name.

None of that is even scratching the surface of the unwritten female rules I suddenly needed to actually know and understand. Long walks at night were no longer an option – I didn't trust guys that much, and I preferred to not hate them. Would I have to use the girls bathroom at school? Weird! And the public baths? Fuck that! I knew better than to trust those perverts out there! Waaaaaait... I had to be on the lookout for perverts... wonderful.

What was it, flip a coin and see what gender we get? I called heads, but I got tails instead.

Would I even like it in Konoha? I never really 'liked' anywhere I'd lived – they were familiar, and therefore tolerable. But that was that. Would I LIKE Konoha?

So many questions.

8-8

I was able to lead the way to the Academy the next morning. Only taking a wrong turn twice – not bad for going the wrong way through the tour and not even knowing half the shit I could cross.

Shizune was the one to take me this time – Sakura was probably just falling asleep after the night shift. I thanked her, and asked if she would pick me up after school. She nodded, smiling an unsure smile as she waved me off. They weren't sure who they would piggy me with. Wonderful. There I was being a burden once again. Hey, at least I was swearing less. Right?

Tsunade never came to the house, though. I guessed I was just a relative worth guarding – or a secret scroll that could walk. One or the other. Who cared? I'd live – I hoped.

"Good morning, Hanabi." I waved at the now familiar Hyuuga. She waved back, parroting my greeting – other than the name. We filed into the classroom, and everyone was abuzz with the new kid – who was wearing the same clothes as she was yesterday. Yeah, that's what you get if no one takes me shopping for clothes. Or gives me money to do it my damn self.

Listen to me! Take me here, give me that. I sounded like a fucking child!

…

I hated my childhood.

"Good morning class." Iruka announced, who was greeted in turn. He told us what today's first lecture was going to be – basic chakra control – and he started handing out homework assignments to match it. We were to practice meditating within strict guidelines – preferably under supervision. Wonderful, more supervision.

He immediately earned himself an 'ignore card', which I fully intend to use...when there's a less important lecture.

8-8

Lunch came, but this time I just stayed in my seat. I hadn't eaten since Hanabi's shared bento yesterday. And I honestly wasn't that hungry. I just sighed, and lay my head on my arm – hoping to catch up on the sleep I'd missed during the night.

"Why aren't you outside with your classmates?" Iruka asked.

"Why aren't you?" I retorted. Stupid questions deserved stupider questions. Law of logic.

"That isn't very nice, Ai." I bristled at the name, curious when he didn't even notice that. He probably thought I just don't want to get in trouble.

"I'm sorry." I said. No emotion, no sorrow. Nothing. Just polite banter.

"No, you're not, but that's okay. You've been through a major change, and that's difficult." He had no idea. "But you need to see today for what it is, and try to enjoy the sunshine." Tree-hugger? I thought they died out when 'hippie' went out of style.

"If you say so." I shrugged, hoping to hear the end of it. In vain, which I kind of expected.

"Really, you should get out there. And make sure you eat something. You look thin and pale." Thanks. A real ego boost.

"I'll pass this time. But I'll keep your words in mind." Translation: fuck you, and have a nice day.

8-8

Once school let out, I noticed Sakura waiting for me. I was right, they were clueless who to piggy me with. I waved to her, after telling Hanabi farewell.

From one babysitter to another. "Weren't you wearing that yesterday?" She asked. No, really?

"If I say no, will it matter?" Goodbye proper, hello sarcasm. I've missed you.

"No, because I already know better. Why didn't-"

"I change? Into what? A towel? A washrag? Sheets from my bed?" Yup, she got the point: no one thought to ask. I felt so fucking welcome.

"Come on, we're going to see Tsunade-sama." Wonder-fucking-ful.

Yup, it was as bad as I expected. Sakura explained the situation, and I just stood there while she scrutinized me. What, was I lying? You assholes found me! You should know what I had and what I didn't.

"Please forgive my oversight." Tsunade said, way too fucking proper. That's a closet 'fuck you for coming'. I knew it well, I gave it a lot. I was handed a pouch with money – several thousand Ryou... however much that was.

"And I'm supposed to do what with this? How much is it even worth?" I asked, trying to sound inquisitive, instead of pissed off like I truly felt.

"It should be enough for a few outfits." She said. Wonderful, I'm in another fucking universe, and yet I'm stuck with the same type of bitch for a mother figure. I love my childhood now. Really I do.

"Gee, thanks. Is there some way to get a part time job somewhere? Because there is no way in hell I'm coming back for more of this bullshit." I told her plainly. She stiffened. Was it something I said?

"If you need something, just ask." She said, her eyes still held no warmth.

"A job. I've earned my way through life before, I see no reason to beg for shelter and clothing now." I offered the same 'warmth' I was given. "Or perhaps I should just start asking around in town. Thank you for your time." I turned to leave, with or without permission – I really didn't give a damn. I'd survived her type before.

"If that is what you wish, how about a job here? You could be-"

"Under your thumb? Pushed into a corner where I have no clearance for secrets I care nothing about? Thanks. I'd rather clean toilets in a cheap restaurant than have you do me any favours." With that I started to stroll out. No longer caring if I even knew the way 'home'. I was lost either way.

"Senju Ai, you do not walk away from me like that!" She slammed her hand on her desk.

"Don't I? Then how would you prefer I walk away?" I was already turning into a bitch... not even forty-eight (conscious) hours as a female, and I was the definition of what I hate about females. Thanks mom. You taught me well.

"What is your problem?" She demanded.

"I waited up all night for a chance to talk to you, to see what you wanted with me... to hear what rules applied to my behaviour. I got tired of waiting." Her face fell, obviously not having thought of that. "Then, when I ask the two people closest to you what to expect six hours down the road, I get more questions. Or worse yet, clueless responses. You give me your last name, but no emotion that should come with 'family'. I'd rather just go back to being in a fucking coma than to live this life again!" There! I FUCKING SAID IT!

She just sat there. The same cold, calculating eyes fixed on me. The same cold, heartless demeanour that held more expectation than subsistence. If her hair was black, and her eyes a slightly darker brown. Well, they would be twins.

Yeah. Nice to see you too. I didn't even wait for her to say something this time, I just left. Those fucking eyes haunt me even now.

8-8

"What is your problem?" Sakura was the one to follow me. Wonderful. A full two minutes after I left. Yup, Sakura the gopher.

"Problems." I corrected. "As in plural. More than one. And either way, it's none of your fucking business."

"Why are you being such a bitch towards Tsunade-sama? You barely even know her!" Yup, there it is. The objective. It didn't matter what I said, it's only about the report going back to the head honcho.

"No, I don't. And tell me, can you, Shizune or Tsunade say you know me?" I actually waited to hear her actual response. Although it didn't matter, the answer was plain as day.

"How can we if you are so guarded." She crossed her arms, trying to act like she had the right to be upset with me.

"Guarded, huh? Is that your final answer? I'm too guarded? I get politely interrogated by person after person from the time my eyes open, and the only thing I get out of it is 'if you need something, ask'? Wow. Thanks. Been there, done that. Hated it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find myself a job so that I don't have to hear how lazy and ungrateful I am for mooching off the humble Hokage's great generosity."

"Who are you really mad at, Ai?" Fuck. Here we go.

"People that you will never have the misfortune of meeting, who just happen to have far too much in common with your master." I walked off. Or I tried to, but Sakura was hot on my tail. And sadly, I was slow enough to never have a chance in hell of losing her if she really wants to follow me.

She grabbed my shoulders, spun me around and made sure I was looking her dead in her eyes. "Talk to me."

"Shinobi rule number twenty-two: A shinobi must never show emotion. Right?" I shot back, wondering why I decided to become a Kakashi.

"That's number twenty-five, and you are far from calling yourself a kunoichi." She wouldn't let me go, wouldn't let me walk way. "Now what is bothering you?"

"Maybe the better question is what isn't bothering me? How about ANBU taking eight hour shifts to monitor my every move?" Deflecting is an art that had to be mastered over the course of many years. Or just study a woman who blames you for everything. It made it easier to pick up on.

"Ai... I'm serious, what's wrong?" Her eyes softened. Fuck, I hated it when that happened. I never could say no to pouting lips and soft eyes. Using that as a distraction, she made her way even closer to me. Then... she hugged me. "I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to betray you. Please, just trust me."

"Trust you? Like you trust Sasuke?" She's at the hospital, so I guessed he'd already defected.

"What does he have to do with anything?" She's actually confused. Great, I was going to have the supreme displeasure of meeting the king of all pricks.

"Nothing. Now what do you want?" She pulled back a bit – not deterred, but no longer sure of herself either.

"I want to help you. Is that so hard to believe?" Her eyes were drooping, clearly either she's a good actress and is trying to play me, or she actually cares. Right, known me for two days, and she cared. Mm hmm.

"Yes. It is. Now will you let me go?" She's... considering it, if nothing else.

"No. I'm sorry, but I can't just give up because you want to be difficult." She's persistent, I'd give her that.

"Sure you can, just repeat after me and we'll sign you into the Academy so you can make some friends. Ai, you're a self centred bitch." When she remained silent, I motioned for her to actually say it. She still refused.

"What's wrong-"

"EVERYTHING'S wrong with me. Isn't that obvious? Why else would I be so fucking loved?" I shoved her, just as I felt her grip loosening. She fell on her backside – I made sure she wasn't hurt at least. And I just went off. God only knew where I was going. I guess 'Cat' would let me know when I'd overstepped my boundaries. Or not. He'd probably just report it and wash his hands of the whole thing.

8-8

Though I let myself get lost a few times, somehow I always ended back at the arch that signified the entrance to the Senju District. Funny how that worked – the place I wished to avoid is the place my feet led you to best. Unless, of course, I finally try to get there – that's different.

When I finally found my way back to the house, I found Tsunade there waiting for me. Wonderful. "Let's just get this out of the way then." I stood before her, eyes closed. I knew what was coming – and I knew even better that I actually deserved it this time.

"Very well. Let's have a seat." She must have motioned for me to follow, but it was hard to see with my eyes closed.

"Thanks, but I'll take it like a man." I stood firm, not showing any fear – even knowing her monstrous strength.

"Rule number one: no more public scenes. If you have something to say, we will arrange a peaceful environment in which to do so." What the hell was she doing? "Rule number two: you are not to discuss things pertaining to either Konoha as a whole, or the Senju clan to those that it does not concern." Why was she still talking? I had expected a bit more... I dunno... action? "Rule number three: I am not your mother, or whomever you believe me to personify. I am Senju Tsunade, and I am new at this. I will make mistakes, so please be patient with me."

That sapped the last of my anger. Even the frustration I had somehow managed to conjure up in getting lost by accident when the sun was starting to set. After that, it was keeping my eyes closed to hold back the tears... and not to not have to see the first blow coming.

"Rule number four: whatever else you may or may not be, you are now a young lady. I expect you to show emotion enough to remind me and yourself that you are human... and humane." Then she finally moved. I tensed, expecting the world to explode into pain – a sensation I got used to after a while.

"Rule number five: always tell me what is hurting you." My eyes shot open, wondering what was going on, just in time to-

"I'm sorry..." I blabbed, suddenly finding that I couldn't hold back the tears. Well, that... and that she's a snuggly hugger. I didn't know why... or how for that matter. But in that one moment I felt... warm. Not just from her body warmth... I mean warm... like hot chocolate on a cold day. Like a hot shower after being caught in the rain... like cuddling in your mother's bed during a thunderstorm. Or how I imagined that should actually feel...

That was why bottling up emotions makes sense – it's easier to deal with.

8-8

The next morning was... uncomfortable. I didn't do my homework – which wasn't that surprising actually, seeing as I didn't have the time. I still didn't have another change of clothes. And I smelled like an old gym sock.

Yeah. Not going to school like this! But then, how would I call in sick? I didn't know the phone number – or even know if there are phones at all! Whatever. I'd just wing it – it never failed before.

I went into the bathroom, carefully taking off my clothes – and wondering why I never paid attention to what I was wearing, seeing that I'd been wearing it three days straight. Short pants, a bit baggy – which I was grateful for. Plain t-shirt, also baggy. No bra – fuck, I was going to have to wear those fucking things! And underwear – is calling them panties when you wear them yourself okay? Didn't I know? I'd been married for ten fucking years! Normally whenever I talked about panties, it was about getting the wife out of them. Other than that, they were kinda... I dunno... there. So much shit to figure out.

New lease on life my ass! The payments hadn't changed a bit.

Whatever. I took off the last of my clothes, trying not to ogle myself. Sounded weird, yes... but guys like looking at naked girls! It's genetic, or something. However, thirty year old men shouldn't go looking at ten year old girls!

Only... which one was I? I still thought like a thirty year old man (or at least the man I was before this bullshit started)... but this body is a ten year old girl... Space-Time paradox number one: if a man's mind is warped into the body of a girl, what do you get? A man? A woman? 'Act like a lady, think like a man' my ass.

Too early for paradoxes. I needed to get clean, get new clothes and magically get my homework done in time for school. I had to pass through two shopping streets on the way, I could get stuff there. If I left early enough, I might have been able to do my homework in school.

8-8

Once out of the house, I was on my way to get some clothes. I was completely fucking clueless what to get, but I just needed something clean.

The first clothing store I saw, I entered. I asked the attendant what size she thought I would need for underwear – not in the mood for weird looks if I said 'panties' and it's unacceptable. Naturally, I needed a small – should have known. Raised as a fat boy... now I finally need a small, but in panties. Cosmic fucking comedy.

Well, I picked up a three pack of the simplest pair I saw in the pile – rather not get attached to a style, only to wake up back in my old body. After that, I simply guessed my pants and shirt size – basically grabbing something that caught my eye and tossing it on. Fuck it, if I was going to be a girl, I was at least going to be a tomboy. It'd save some pride!

I changed into the clothes, deciding to keep the laundry in the bag I would have put the new clothes into. Luckily, there was an envelope with money on the counter – and a bento packed for school. It wasn't anything fancy, just rice and curry tofu –the kind I actually recognized as tofu– but it would fill my belly. Well, that, and I actually could have breakfast before leaving! Anyway, point being, I paid for everything and dashed in the direction of the Academy.

Somehow I managed to make it there before the other students. Old habits were back to haunt me – both my insistence to be early to everything, and my virtual inability to sleep out.

I took my seat, spreading out my homework I still had to do. Some basic math – blazed through it. Some geography – didn't have half the answers. And the meditation exercise. Shit, forgot about that.

"At least I know you're doing your homework yourself." Iruka teased, noticing my already being in his class before he even showed up.

"Morning, sensei. Hey, since you're here, can you help me with the meditation exercise? I didn't have the time to do it yesterday." I made sure to leave out why, it was Senju business... right? Yeah!

"Ai, that was supposed to be done for next week." He told me, clearly put out by my not paying attention.

"Sensei, you didn't specify a time, so getting it done efficiently is best. Now can you help me?"

"Ai, again, you are missing the point. I gave the homework so that you can find your answers in my lectures throughout the week. If I help you, it would give you an unfair advantage over your classmates." He explained, completely misunderstanding my request.

"Sensei, I am not asking for special attention. I am asking you to supervise my homework, as per the instructions of said homework. I've never done this before, so I am not entirely sure what to expect. As such I am requesting a certified teacher to ensure that I do not do something wrong and hamper any hope of further development." Then a thought hit me. That was exactly what he meant. The lecture yesterday on chakra control, combined with the exercise... "So all I have to do is keep my intentions in check, and in theory I could never harm myself. Especially at this level. So the advice to practice under supervision was merely to weed out those who would be too scared to even try, whereas there is no actual risk involved. Only imagined burdens." He smiled, nodding.

"You're sharp enough to get it. Now tell me, what did you think about my lecture on the Senju clan's history?"

8-8

Another day, another... Ryou? That sounded soo weird. Still, something I need to get used to – might as well make a big ass list of shit I need to get used to.

Outside of the Academy, Sakura was once again waiting on me. A bit more subdued than the two previous days. "Hey." I greeted her, suddenly unsure how to act. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I guess... old ghosts haunt new victims best." Was there a saying like that? Well fuck it, there is one now!

She seemed to pep up a bit, meeting my eyes. "Are you okay now then?" More 'are you okay's?

"No. And I won't be for a long time..." I said honestly. "But I'm taking little steps to get there."

She nodded, seeming to accept that logic. What's not to accept? It's the truth. "You got more boy's clothes?" She's making fun of my wardrobe now? I just rolled my eyes.

"I needed something to wear. And I need to figure out how the hell to wash clothes here." List, list, list. Things I hated about my wife's nagging were suddenly fucking useful. I was going to burn in hell for choosing now to listen to her – I just knew it.

"Come on, let's go get you some actual clothes to wear." The pinkette grabbed my hand, tugging me in a direction I hadn't explored yet. So much village left untouched.

For the first time since arriving here –however the hell it happened– I started wondering if this was a new beginning. Or was it just a painful repetition of an already familiar path.

8-8

End Chapter 1

A/N: I honestly have no idea where this story even came from! I was working on a chapter for A Promise Worth Keeping, and the next thing I know I'm hit with this one! Seriously, WTF!

At any rate, I hope you enjoyed the first installment of Cosmic Comedy!

A special thanks to Elivira and Setokaiva, my Betas. Without them none of this would be possible (^-^)