*****Hello loves! It's that time again. Now you'll have to excuse the short chapter. It was either splitting it up, or facing a hugely long chapter. In the interest of getting something new up, I decided the split was the way to go :) To those of you reviewing, I can not thank you enough. Your kind words and enthusiasm keep me typing. For those of you reading and not reviewing, I just want you to know I see you and appreciate each of you as well!

These characters belong to the fantastic S.M. I simply love to make them walk circles around each other. On with the show!*****

I was dog tired. My eyes had to be bloodshot and everyone kept asking me if I was feeling okay. I was. I wasn't. I was somewhere in between and even I didn't understand what I was feeling.

I had stayed up all night. I had consumed my hours with laughing, and crying, and simply reading. Reading about a boy I knew everything about….and a boy I hadn't known at all. I recalled my first encounter with Edward. Over the years I had replayed it in my head at least a hundred times. But to see it through his eyes. Well that had been a different experience.

"You could tell how intelligent she was just by meeting her eyes. And spunky. There was definitely some attitude there too."

I had re-read that sentence over and over.

I read as months unfolded. One situation I knew through my eyes, and a completely different experience witnessing it through his words.

Many times I had wanted to pick up the phone to call him. But I knew he had said he was sleeping, and he had his interview today. And I couldn't even be sure he had sent them. I had read slowly. I relished the words and tried to gradually bring myself to a new understanding. Not only had years passed since we had seen each other, but the years I had knew him were different now too.

I had brought the journal I was currently reading with me to work. I had yet to go to sleep and the exhaustion was seeping into my brain.

It was a busy enough day. One part of my brain was focused on my customers. Yes, your order had come in. Sure, we had the new vampire thriller novel. No, I hadn't read it yet. The other part of my brain was lost in the journal on my desk.

"She looked so little in my jersey. It practically dwarfed her figure. Yet I couldn't help the pride in my chest watching her walk down the hallway with it on. She was marked as mine, all other guys be damned."

I ordered a pizza delivered to the store for lunch. I hadn't even remember to pack myself a lunch and I had skipped breakfast as well. I was on my second slice when Rose showed up out of the blue.

"Since you seem to have forgotten how to use a phone completely, I figured this was my best point of contact. You can run but you can hide."

I smiled at her unexpected arrival and then recalled I was chewing a bite of pizza and grabbed a napkin and put it to my mouth instead. I motioned to the large pizza, yes a large don't judge me, I had ordered indicating she could help herself. She grabbed a slice and took a smile bite with a smile.

"What are you reading?" She asked leaning over the counter. I felt instinctively protective of the journals in my possession and had to make a quick decision as to let her see. While they had been sent to me, by who only knows, they weren't my words to share.

"I left my phone as home." I said answering her first question. "As for what I'm reading, well, I'm not quite sure how to explain. It's a long story."

"Well I am ready and willing." She said to me with a wink.

I told her the story of the boxes arriving and having taken them home thinking they were stock. Of course I gave her the rundown of my brief talk with Edward as well.

"So if he gets the job…"She left the sentence hanging.

"So if he gets the job I will congratulate him on his new venture." I deadpanned.

"Sometimes I wonder if you're a guy Swan." She muttered at me.

"What the heck is that supposed to mean?" I asked her, cocking an eyebrow.

"You know I love you, but sometimes you're on the same emotion level as a dude. You shut off. Shut down. Act like you don't care." I busied myself by grabbing a third slice of pizza so I wouldn't have to look at her. "And you're doing it right now."

"That's not true. I cry. You've seen me. Alice has seen me. Hell even Edward even saw me recently." I defended myself.

"Bella that is an anomaly for you. The other night. You didn't pick up the phone and talk to anyone."

"No I didn't. I like to sort things out on my own first."

"Doesn't mean you should shut everyone out while you do it though." She pointed out.

"Yeah I know. I'm going to work on it." I said to her with a half-smile.

"Well geeze. There was so much enthusiasm in that sentence I don't know if I can stand it." She said with a face so serious it made me smirk.

"Alright. Thank you for telling me Rosalie. I will try harder." I said trying to make my most serious, yet sarcastic face.

She rolled her eyes at me and smiled. "In all seriousness though?" I nodded.

"So now on to the answer of what you're reading…?" She left the sentence open ended.

"Well inside the boxes I took home were all these journals. Edward's journals." I told her, watching her face.

"He sent you his journals?" She asked with her eyebrows raised.

"I really can't be sure who sent them. Maybe him. Who else would have?"

"What's in them? What does it say?" I hesitated again in answering her.

"Ok, I can see it on your face. How about you give me the general gist. Good? Bad? Juicy?

"Good, actually good. Even the boring parts are still good somehow."

"You know even the Great Wall of China came down right?"

"What the…..."I replied to her odd statement.

"Anyway, I got to get back to work. I'm going to dinner with Emmett tonight but call me if you need to ok?" She grabbed another slice of pizza and blew me a kiss. I laughed and waved good bye and went back to my reading.

I finished an ordinary entry about a boring dinner his parents had to entertain some of their friends and flipped to the next page.

"What the fuck have I done!?" Jumped out of the first line of the page. It had been traced over and over again and the ink was so much darker than the rest. His whole handwriting appeared frantic and scattered. I ran my fingertip over the sentence, feeling the angry indent against the pad of my forefinger. I took a deep breath and prepared myself to read.

What the fuck have I done?! I woke up this morning and she was gone. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I've called her multiple times but she isn't picking up. I don't know if she's hurt. I don't know if she's embarrassed. I don't know if she regrets it.

If she regrets it, then I want to regret it….but I can't.

Prom. How fucking cliché could I have been? It started fine. I should have just asked her in the first place, but I was worried about crossing that line. What if she had laughed in my face? Here I was worried about crossing that line and I jumped straight on over the river into a completely different territory.

Her dress had been this shade of blue, I'm sure there's some fancy name for that color blue she was wearing. Chicks always know that shit. All I know is she had never looked more beautiful. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. And then that punk Newton hit on her, and I just saw red. I couldn't stop the voice in my head that kept yelling "MINE.". I know she isn't mine. She's my friend. My best friend. How many guys can say that? Their very best friend is a girl. I'm sure there's plenty of guys that might laugh that off, but they don't know what they're missing.

None of those other selfish bitches mattered to me. And I know that's out of line for me to say that. I myself, am a selfish asshole. I'm sure most people wouldn't understand or excuse that fact. But I'm a god damn hormonal teenage boy. Isn't that the point of being a guy?

Maybe I'm just trying to find an excuses for my behavior. But it was always her. Isabella dancing behind my closed eyelids. Isabella's voice in my ear. Isabella in my arms. But I was never ready to risk losing her. So I found other….vehicles. Mere imitations of what a partner should be.

And last night I took my chance. I threw every rule and discretion out the window and laid all my chips on the table, and decided to let them fall wherever they may. And fall they did.

There will never be any eyes but mine on these words, so I'm sucking up my inner guy and saying them. Who knows if I will ever get the chance to use them?

It's was beautiful.

Jesus…..that looks pathetic to write out. But it was.

It was frantic hands and soft curves. Loud declarations, and gentle sighs. It was all encompassing warmth and feminine giggles. It was the look in her eyes and the racing of my heart in my ears.

It's exactly what love is.

I love her. I love Bella….and I'm going to tell her the next time I see her. I don't care if it makes me sappy or emotional or any other word you want to call me. I love her and I'm going to let her know. I'll take her with me to New York. Anywhere she wants to go, I will take her, because I don't want to go anywhere without her.

Now if I could just get her to pick up the damn phone.

I closed the journal. I had reached the last page. The tears were falling down my cheeks unchecked. Blindly I reached for my cell and remembered once again I had left it at home. I ran my hands through my hair and got up from my chair behind the counter. I began shaking out my hands and pacing the store trying to wear out the energy coursing through my veins. Brushing my hands across my cheeks, I realized I was still crying.

"What the fuck was I thinking?!" His written sentence kept coursing through my mind, except now it was my own lament. Why hadn't I stayed!? What had I been so scared of? Using my parents was no excuse. My mother found love again, and Charlie was married to his job. I couldn't keep my fear of heartbreak keep me from love.

I looked around my bookstore and saw my love and my passion on display for everyone. This was my heart and soul, and here I was bearing it to everyone. And I had denied it to the one person who had mattered. I had denied it to myself.

Glancing at the clock over the counter I began calculating the minutes until I could flip the sign on the front door and leave. I had some very important things to do.

Within three minutes of closing I was out the door and in my car. I went straight home and retrieved my phone and headed right back to my car. I swung into the local coffee joint and grabbed a coffee before allowing myself a chance to look at the daunting little cell phone screen. Once back in the car I turned the display on only to have it ring in my hand. Alice's name and picture greeted me. I answered it immediately. I had made Rose a promise.

"Hey Al, what's up?" I asked turning the car on.

"Come over to the house! We're celebrating!" She squealed.

"What are we celebrating?" I asked her, feeling the smile pull on to my face at the sound of her voice.

"Edward got the job!" She squeaked out. "He called mom on the way home, so we're putting together a quick surprise dinner. I already called Em and Rose and they are on their way too."

I felt the blood leave my face and my heart stall out. I quickly snapped myself out of it. It was vain of me to think he would call me first. I would not be worried. I would not be upset. I would celebrate. I would congratulate him.

I would be nothing but happy for him.

"I'm on my way I told her." And I steered the car towards the grocery store to pick up and apple pie, Edward's favorite. I didn't have time to make one, but I would not show up empty handed.

And this time, I wouldn't run, either.

*****Thoughts?*****