Dear Muggle fan fiction writers:

I understand. I truly do. Young men want to be me, and young women want to be with me. Who can blame you? I have a great deal of wealth and power, a gorgeous wife, a wonderful family whom I love, and in all respects a brilliant life. So yes, I understand the obsession you have with me. I get perfectly well why you wish to write about me, to twist me to your will, and have me do as you see fit. After all, for one so attuned to such things, how could I not understand the wish to control me?

Now stop it. I have read the…shall we say disturbing things you have me doing, the situations you would put me in. I have never been more offended in my entire life, and the fact that Muggles write such frankly libelous statements is enough to enrage me beyond reason.

To the end of halting the not only offensive content, but honestly abysmal writing some of you call art, allow me to clear a few things up.

Firstly, I am straight. While it is understandable that young men who are not straight would want me to be otherwise, I feel it is my duty to disillusion you of the notion. Yes, I get manicures. Yes, I have long, flowing, gorgeous hair. Yes, I dress well, take care of the little things such as personal hygiene, and in general do my utmost to be presentable at all times. These things do not make me gay, they simply make me superior to those who do not.

Further, just to clear up any other lingering doubts:

Severus Snape is a fine man. He is straight.

Draco Malfoy, my son, by the way, is also straight.

Sirius Black is a blood traitor, also straight.

Remus Lupin is a werewolf, a shabby dresser, and straight.

I hate Harry Potter more than my words have the possibility to convey, and while it might amuse me to spread rumors to the contrary at the Ministry, he is also straight.

Lord Voldemort is dead and gone, but if his relationship with my sister-in-law is any indication, he is also straight, though I thought it quite unwise to pursue the matter.

Albus Dumbledore was the worst thing to ever happen to Hogwarts, and I completely despise him. I threw a private celebration after his passing. He was gay.

Secondly, I love my wife. I am not above flirting with others, allowing them to have certain delusions to further my own ends, but I am happily married to the most gorgeous woman of my generation, and for that reason alone, straying is out of the question. Unlike the way most of you seem to view marriage vows, we Malfoys take them quite seriously. Allow me to ask you straight men out there, if you were married to Narcissa Malfoy, would you ever cheat on her? Further, let us not forget that if I did cheat, she would kill me, and I would never see it coming.

What goes on behind closed doors is a private matter, but let me be perfectly clear. I am more than satisfied with the relations I have with my wife, and I have every faith that the feeling is completely mutual. I have absolutely no doubt that she is as devoted to me as I am to her, though she is also not above flirting with others and allowing them to have their delusions.

Thirdly, I placed myself on the board of governors for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry because I actually care deeply about the education and protection of young minds. The very idea, the very notion that I would pursue any form of sexual relationship with an underage wizard of any gender is beyond ludicrous. Anyone who would do so deserves to be dropped without a wand on the Isle of Drear or fed slowly to a manticore. Avada Kedavra is far too swift and merciful for them.

Lastly, some of you seem to believe I am evil incarnate. With the exceptions I have laid out above, I have no particular problem with this notion. Feel free to carry on in that vein. I hope it will engender the proper respect should you ever be so fortunate as to cross my path.

If these libelous writings continue, you can be rest assured that offense will be answered with retribution. In true Karmic form, you will never see it coming and the authorities may never make the connection, but justice will out.

Sincerely yours,

Lucius Malfoy

NOTE: While Lucius may come off as something of a homophobe, I am not. It is not my intent to cause offense in this regard, but please bear in mind that this is written from Lucius' perspective, who simply does not want to be misrepresented in this way.