July 1st, 2002

Dear Nagi-chan,

Honestly, I can't remember what I was so angry about a week ago. Was it everything? Was it life? Was it people?

I guess it kinda goes to show that some things come and pass. Kinda like you. Bad feelings don't last for too long. The saddest part, though, is that good feelings don't last for too long either. And when you're sad, you only pay attention to the end of the good feelings instead of how long they lasted.

I don't remember a lot from last week, actually. Though… I kinda… gave up, I guess. On life in general.

It was a bad day, and I don't want to go into detail, but mom wasn't there when I got home and I was so upset that I began to throw a tantrum and started punching at random things. I might have broken a few vases, since we have new ones in the living room now. Anyway, to be honest… I just kinda… I kinda wanted to die.

I forgot about everything. Everything I promised you, since I was so angry. I forgot that I told you that I would try fighting. I forgot that I told you I'd try making a friend. I forgot that I told you I'd save someone if I died, like you did. I forgot a lot of things. Except two things. How you died and where mom's painkillers were.

I just really, really, really, REALLY wanted it all to end. Just. Everything. I was so tired of it. I am so tired of it. I'm so sorry.

I took mom's painkillers, and a lot of them. And I put them back where I found them, and I went to my room, and I sat there. It was taking too long to kick in. So I wrote that letter to you in my anger. And I regretted it. And I regretted a lot of things. And I grabbed Nagi-chan the kitty plushie and laid down on my bed and cried. I cried because the pain wasn't ending. It was still there. It all was still there. It all hurt. So, so badly. It hurt everywhere. And I just couldn't handle it! And I felt bad. I felt sorry. And I hated myself.

I missed you so much. I told myself, I'd see you again soon. And I closed my eyes and I hoped it would all just end then and there.

I guess I'm lucky, or maybe I'm not, because it didn't end there. But I don't know.

I woke up in the hospital. I'll be honest; the first thought then was that I hated myself then too. Because why did I get to wake up and not you? That wasn't fair. At. All.

But I heard my mom crying. And that brought it all back to me.

I broke her heart that day. I can't look her in the eye again. Not for a while, anyway. I've kinda been avoiding her. I've been trying to go to dad more, but he's mad at me. So now I don't have anyone to go to. And it sucks.

She was crying, and maybe she was mad at me but she hugged me so tight I might have died from suffocation. I forgot about a lot of things, but the absolute worst thing was that I forgot about her, and I broke her and things could have ended up so, so, so much worse.

Now that I think of it, I was just being selfish. Lots of things hurt. Yeah. I'm only 11. I'm too young to hate the world this much, but it hasn't been treating me fairly. No kid should go through this! Nobody should go through this.

Death is the worst thing in the world and I can't believe I almost accepted it with open arms. It's made me realize that I'm afraid of dying. I'm more afraid of other people dying. And I promise, I really, really, really promise you, I'm not gonna try something so dumb again. I'll live.

Maybe it's your fault that I'm this way. I'm so afraid of everything.

Maybe it's your fault I'll grow up stronger than I ever could have been.

But I just like to think that I'd grow up even stronger if you never died to start.

-Tsuna

Author's note: First, I would like to apologize if this chapter really offended anyone. I know depression and suicide is a huge thing for a lot of people, and there was no way I could write this chapter realistically because I myself never knew what it felt like to give up like Tsuna had done. But, it's not like I was joking about it at all. Tsuna's a broken child in this fiction, and keeping up a happy facade is really hard when one feels so utterly alone like that.

This chapter was sort of inspired by a headcannon I read somewhere on Tumblr. They had the idea that Tsuna had tried to commit suicide because he was so lonely. I at first didn't agree, because it didn't seem like he would have a good reason to, but it seemed to fit almost perfectly with this fiction. I'm sorry I can't remember who said that headcannon though! ^^;

Anyway, I know I'm really slow on updating D= I said I would update STRANGERS but I've been the worst at finding a way to close the next chapter. And I have terrible work ethic. I'm surprised a lot of you still stick around, anyway ;u; but regardless, I've been quite busy with my school work. So again, my apologies. /bows/

I thought I would give you a little update on me, though it doesn't really matter. I hope you guys enjoyed this tearful chapter! I'm definitely cheering it up a little more in the next chapters. Tsuna's gonna try a little harder!