Disclaimer: I don't own DGM
Characters and pairings: AllenLenaleeLavi
Summary: Lenalee finds it's possible to move on.
[C'est La Vie]
I break my own heart, the girl thinks, all the time.
:::
The girl walks down the street, heeled boots making soft clicking sounds on the pavement. She turns around now and again, imagining that a nameless, silent thing follows her, though nothing comes to sight but a wisp of fog and sometimes, the tail of a lonely dog.
It's on days like that she can't forget about Allen.
He's all she's ever wanted, all she's ever hoped for. But she'll never have him, never.
:::
"Do you know," Allen said one day, "that you have a lovely voice?"
"Do I?" Lenalee asked.
"I see you don't know," Allen said, laughing. "Come on, let's not stand in the cold. I'm rather hungry, so shall we head to our café?"
"Our café", so affectionately named, was a little bistro a few streets away from their neighbourhood. It was warm and cosy, with wooden tables and pretty tablecloths and a small fireplace. Noise Marie, the owner, delighted in making delicious pastries and delectable coffee; Miranda, his wife, was a sweet woman rather prone to clumsiness.
As it was, Allen and Lenalee had made it a habit to visit the bistro every few days or so.
When they got there, they were greeted by Miranda. She nodded at them over the counter, and followed them with a notebook and pencil.
"The usual, please," Allen said.
"Me too," Lenalee said.
"You're so cute together," Miranda said, as she always did.
Lenalee blushed, as usual, and Allen just smiled.
:::
It's a cold winter day, and Lenalee walks arm-in-arm with Allen down a snow-caked street.
"Allen," Lenalee says, trying to sound spontaneous and failing quite miserably, "I've got something to tell you."
"Yes, go on," Allen says, megawatt smile flashing.
"I –" Lenalee says, voice faltering, "I – Allen, I think I'm in love with you!"
Allen doesn't reply.
"I..." Lenalee continues, "I just want to know if maybe, if maybe you might feel the same way?"
Allen still doesn't reply; his grey eyes are empty as the morning fog.
Lenalee's heartbeat quickens, and all the sorrows of the world since its inception seem to weigh heavily on her.
She struggles to finish speaking. "If – if you don't feel the same way... if you don't, then – then, I hope we can still at least be friends."
Allen nods, numb and dumb. After a full minute of silence, he moves away from Lenalee, stuffs his gloved hands into the pockets of his coat, and looks up at the grey, drab sky.
"I don't know how to phrase this," Allen says. "I love you, Lena, but not in the way you want me to."
Lenalee tries to stifles a gasp – and succeeds, almost. Allen looks tortured by the plaintive squeak of pain.
"I – Kanda – we..." Allen trails off, unable to meet Lenalee's eyes. "I thought you knew."
There's a strange wet sensation in Lenalee's eyes, and her throat constricts into a tight knot.
"I didn't know," she says, voice soft and forlorn like that of a little girl who has lost her favourite doll.
"I'm sorry," Allen says, taking Lenalee's hands into his. Her hands are bitterly cold, and shivering. "I'm sorry, Lena, I never meant to hurt you."
"I know," she says, but wrenches her hands away all the same.
"Let's still be friends, alright?" Allen says.
"Yeah," Lenalee says. She looks down at the ground and shuffles her feet. "It's getting late. I think I'll go."
It's anything but late, but Allen nods and waves goodbye.
:::
Lenalee spent the next few months trying to find her way in a place without light. It was a painful place to be, but thankfully it coincided with the vacation period, so she didn't have to see Allen around too much. She found herself steering clear of Kanda too.
Komui asked why Allen hadn't once called her or turned up unannounced for dinner the way he used to do in the past. Lenalee shrugged her slim shoulders and said she didn't really know why either. Komui, possibly having sensed something amiss, stopped making such enquiries after a while.
Lenalee often lay in bed, listening to sappy breakup songs and songs which seemed to celebrate the tragedy of the institution called love. They didn't help her any, but she loved the way the singers seemed to understand every emotion wrenching her heart apart.
But she pulled through, in the end.
:::
Lavi soon comes back into her life. He's tanned, taller than before, and he hugs her when he steps out the car.
"Lavi!" Lenalee cries. "I've missed you!"
"Me too," Lavi says. "I'm here for the holidays!"
Lavi lives in another district altogether, but returns every summer to their town. He boards with his grandfather, an ancient lawyer of short stature. He's one of Lenalee's best friends, and she's glad to see him after some dark days.
:::
At that point, she wasn't over Allen yet. Allen was all she had ever wanted, the epitome of her ideal spouse.
Now that flimsy dream had been torn apart, and she still hadn't recovered from the pain of it all.
:::
"Do you want to go for a walk?" Lavi asks.
"Now?" Lenalee says, looking at him over the top of her book.
"When else are you free?" Lavi asks, an impish smile spreading over his face. "Do I need to book an appointment?"
"No," Lenalee says.
"Come on," Lavi pleads, and Lenalee goes.
:::
She used to think of Allen every night before she dropped off to sleep. His silver-grey eyes, bright like the moon shining through mist; the gentle tenor of his voice; the softness of his hair. These were the stuff of her waking dreams.
Then it stopped, so, so suddenly.
:::
It begins with the small things – just a brush of her hair, a bright smile, a touch of their hands.
Then it becomes something more, something beyond the realm of ordinary friendship.
Lavi runs errands for her; he brings her to movies and buys her dinner. He calls her more frequently, and drapes his jacket over her shivering arms.
"Is there something going on between you and Lavi?" Komui asks accusingly, and is gratified to hear a soft "no".
But Lenalee – she feels something like guilt crawling under her skin, because now Lavi's in her mind almost all the time.
Before she closes her eyes at night she thinks of Lavi's red hair and his bright green eye and the curve of his embrace. She thinks, maybe, just maybe, Lavi could be the one to bring her back to life.
A/N: I felt like I lost steam halfway through. This was partly based on RL, so it was pretty hard to write from the midpoint onwards because in RL things haven't quite progressed quite this far, and it was kinda depressing to have to imagine stuff.
Whatever the case, I hope you enjoyed reading this little piece! (: Any comments/suggestions/criticism would be much appreciated!