LoZ Snapshots
A/N Okay, so this is inspired by several different fics, which I will avoid ripping off. Enough said.
1. Balrog
Link slowly crept into the final room in the Goron mines. Sitting in the near darkness was a terrifying figure which rose up, breaking its bonds and lighting on fire.
"That's lame! You're just a ripoff of the balrog in Lord of the Rings!"
The Igniter advanced forward. "Link, do something.." Midna warned.
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Link screamed as he slammed his sword down into the ground.
A second later: "Hey! Balrogs aren't supposed to breathe fire!"
A/N Okay, that's kind of a stretch…
2. After the War
Zelda stood in front of a gathering of the people of Hyrule. "I present to you your hero of ages: Link!" The crowd went wild.
Several hours later during a private walk down one of the garden paths.
"Zelda?"
"Yes, Link?"
"There's been something I've been wanting to tell you…"
"Yes?" Zelda said hopefully.
Link turned to her. "Do you know how WHITE that dress makes you look?"
A/N Its true! And all you ZeLink fans know it!
3. The Ultimate Weed-whacker
As he approached the acid lake in the boss room of the Faron Temple, Link stared at the item in his hands.
"What exactly is this weed-whacker supposed to do?"
The lake erupted, revealing the Twilight Parasite!
"HOLY $#*! That's the biggest dandelion I've ever seen!"
4. Where to aim
Staring at the boss in the mines, Link frowned. "Now where should I aim?"
"Psst!" Midna said. "The obvious glowing thing on its head."
"No," Link said, shaking his head. "Headshots are too uncertain. Better to go for a body shot. Definitely the body shot." He nodded as he took aim.
Midna groaned, placing her head in her hands.
5. Six seconds in the mind of a bird
"Ahh," Rusl sighed as he reclined on his couch after a long day of sword training with Link. "That hits the spot." He sipped his tea gratefully.
The door flew open with a bang.
"Rusl, you won't believe this! I was beating up one of the cucoos out there, and I POSSESSED ITS SOUL! For like a whole six seconds! It was AWESOME!"
6. After the Lakebed Temple
"OH YEAH! I TOTALLY OWNED THAT TEMPLE! I'M TOTALLY GONNA OWN ZANT! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Link turned around and crashed into the armored figure.
"Hey, watch where you're standing–ohcrapitszant!"
Link leapt to his feet. "Fused Shadows: Activate!"
Nothing happened.
Zant looked at the fused shadows. "What is this garbage?" He said as he tossed three dungeons of hard work away. "You thought that could beat me?" Bitchslap!
Link got owned.
7. Iron boots
"Fear mah boots!" Link hollered at the advancing Goron. "They add a whole…thirty pounds to my weight."
The Goron got closer.
"Oh shit, that's not as big a difference as I thought…"
8. Accepting donations
"Hey Link, you should donate so that we can open up a store in Castle Town. Help us free the people there from high prices."
"Why the hell should I help them?"
"Well…"
"First they just let Zant walk all over them, then they scream and run whenever I turn into a wolf, then they kick back and do NOTHING while I run around saving their princess over and over and over and over and over again. Really, it's annoying as hell; I do all this work and they won't even give me a damn rupee in return. No, instead they constantly ask me for money; they're a bunch of useless, greedy bastards. None of the women ever swoon over the sexy hero in their midst, the only adulation I ever get is from collecting a bunch of glowing balls in a cage, although that was hard enough. And the worst part was that the girl in that group wasn't even old enough to screw. It's an unfair, capitalist society. They have NO GODDAMN RESPECT!"
"okay…"
A/N Don't you ever feel underappreciated in the games?
9. Boss room in the water temple
"Link, what are you doing?" Midna looked curiously at Link, who was sitting on the edge of the hole leading down to the boss room.
"Putting on my iron boots."
"…why?"
"Because the map says there's something right below me, and I'm gonna SMASH that son-of-a-bitch!"
A/N I actually tried this. It didn't do anything spectacular…
A/N And to finish things off…
10. People come from apes
Looking across the gulf separating him and the butt-slapping monkey, Link cursed colorfully.
"Fuck you, Darwin."
A/N Okay, so I'm looking at trying to make 100 of these snapshots. I need ideas though. I may be incredibly brilliant (cough…bullshit…cough) but even my intellect is not up to such a task. So if you guys don't want these to get lame really fast, I'd suggest you review. Also, if you do not review, I will set my minions upon you. And once I have captured you, I will POSSESS YOUR SOUL.
On that note, let's end with a few lines from All That Remains:
When I turn inward,
And look for strength within myself
And demonstrations
Of courage are the result,
If inspiration
Is wholly shared than mores the gain,
And I will follow
The selfless actions displayed.
-Chiron, by All That Remains
Not sure that that was really relevant, but I like the song and I'm just trying to hit the one thousand word mark. I never read fics with less than a thousand words per chapter, so I don't expect anyone else to either. However, with my fics, you may be wasting your time anyway. Seriously, go do something with your life. You'd be much better off reading ZeLink lemons.
By the way, could someone answer a question of mine? What is the difference between a lemon and a lime? I've always wondered. And don't say that one is green and the other's yellow. I hate stupidly obvious answers like that. Its stupid.
"This" is the thousandth word in my fic, but I'm gonna be a dick and keep rambling. Anyone still reading had mental problems…
By the way, for all you shipping whores out there, what do you think of pairing Ashei and Link together? At least, I think that Ashei is the girl you meet at Snowpeak… She's one of the group that meets at Telma's bar. She's not a bad looker, and she's way more Link's kinda girl than Zelda or Malon. As a matter of fact, its my new favorite pairing. Zelda's too white and Malon is a freaking farm girl.
By the way, I would just like to make it clear that I'm a completely straight guy. Don't know why I felt the need to say that.
Damn, talk about a really long author's note, maybe I should keep going…
I see her in my dreams,
Wish that she wasn't there,
But she still haunts me and I,
Still feel her breath on my,
Still want to taste her skin,
But I know that would kill me,
No! Damn her, still I
Choke on her lies, still reeling
From her last caress her goodbye.
Oh how this sickens me,
This wretched fool's affair,
I can't erase this from me,
And now it permeates,
And every though I feel,
The anger writhes in my soul.
-Six, by All That Remains
I would just like to say that I don't own Legend of Zelda or All That Remains. Please don't sue me Phil Labonte, I love you…in a manly sort of way…and I'm not talking about soap on the bathroom floor…Seriously, have you ever tried picking that up with your feet; it doesn't work.
For those of you who don't know, Phil Labonte is the lead singer of All That Remains, the most AWESOME BAND IN THE WORLD.
Holy shit, its eleven thirty and I have to get up at six tomorrow.
Goddammit.
GO ACES!
P.M. me if you got that…