A Simple Solution

Chapter 589. No really. This is the real chapter 589 of Naruto, and no matter what scanlation, Kishimoto, canon, or the world says. I can and will exercise my god-given right to hold any belief that I want, no matter ludicrous or crackish. Amen.

"Now all the deceased brought back by the Edo Tensei will vanish," Itachi says solemnly, "and the war will be closer to its end."

Sasuke's eyes widen at the realization. Okay, so that Itachi failed to mention during the entirety of the battle. "Then that means... you too..." He can't even finish the sentence.

His elder brother merely nods in concession. "I was able to protect my village one more time as Uchiha Itachi of Konoha. I no longer have any attachments to this world."

Now would have been an opportune time for Sasuke to revert to his usual course of action whenever Itachi trolls, which is yell his lungs out and charge, but this time...

His eye twitches. "And what am I? Chopped liver?"

"That is no longer my place of interference. It is now Naruto who will-"

"Oh that is utter bullcrap," Sasuke deadpans. "Okay, who's paying you to say these lines? The SasuNaru fanclub?"

"Technically, they are paying the author, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, Naruto understands you -"

"And you obviously don't."

"Wants to rescue you-"

"And once again, you don't."

"Loves you-"

"And of course that is absolutely not the dictionary definition written next to your name in databook."

"And can influence you."

"I wonder who is standing right in front of me." Sasuke is not holding back on his sarcasm.

"Sasuke."

"Nii-san, anyone who's even remotely familiar with the plot-line knows that we have been in a game of Itachi Says for the past 15 years, ever since the first conception back in 1997. Itachi says jump, I jump. Itachi says come here, I come here. Itachi says hate, I hate. Itachi says revenge, I get revenge."

"I don't recall giving you a command of destroy Konoha."

"Okay, that last one was my idea, but I wouldn't have to resort to thinking of stupid plot ideas if you didn't quit your job and die on me, nii-san," Sasuke hisses. "But now that you're back, you obviously just have to say the magical words, and I'll jump back into hero territory so we'll live happily ever after, together forever."

Itachi doesn't even spare a second for his response. "No."

"Why not!"

"Because that is Naruto's job."

"Will everyone and their mothers stop shipping me with him! You'd think that after I left him, and refused to see him, and tried to kill him for an uncountable number of times, without any care or consideration for his judgment of me, so that I may chase you, and see you, and kill you, all for the sake of proving my entire worth and life before you, that they and the equally annoying SasuSaku fans understand that I. Only. Want. You."

"Sasuke..."

"I went to Orochimaru for you!" Sasuke yells, a sudden burst of Amaterasu coming to life in the background. "Do you know how horrifying that experience is! Only for you can I ever be boneheaded enough to willingly walk straight into the den of an established pedophile and dress like a pirate stripper with my chest open in the middle of winter!"

Itachi pinches the bridge of his nose.

"And furthermore, I no longer have any attachments? What, is that some horrifying scanlation translation error? Do you know how much tears I, and the rest of the fangirl population, wasted on you back in chapter 402 after I learned the truth? I don't cry, nii-san, but that time, it wasn't even a T underscore T, but a double T underscore double T. It was the fucking Niagara."

"Sasuke, we all have our moments out of character, this being one of them, but you have to understand that-"

"That what! That you valued me more than your entire village? That you kept me alive in spite of your ideologies and the burdens it cost you? That you would do anything in my interest, wholly, completely, absolutely? Back in 576, I wasn't an idiot, you know. When I asked you why you spared me, I already knew it was out of love."

"If you knew, then why ask," Itachi gives a tired sigh.

"Because I wanted to hear you say it, not that bogus lie! Hearing it from Tobi and Danzou and pretty much the rest of the world wasn't enough, okay? I wanted you to say you love me more than anyone, that you think of me every waking moment, that you were okay to die smiling in dishonor if it meant I could be a hero, that-"

"Wait, wait, what, Sasuke, little brother, what kind of melodramatic Korean dramas have you been watching?"

"I don't know, ask Tobi, or whatever his name is."

"He told you this crap?"

"Well, yes... what else do you think he gave his senile monologue on?"

"From what Naruto told me, he told you that I acted on orders from Konoha. I didn't hear anything about him ever feeding you this horrifyingly embarrassing fangirl fuel."

"Nii-san, it's Naruto. You're talking about my biggest fanboy stalker here. I highly doubt it's in his best interest to tell you the reason I'm after Konoha is because I'm obsessively in love with you, have always been, and now utterly out of the incestuous closet and overtly telling it to the whole world."

"Sasuke, realize your reputation is crumbling with every word you speak."

"Reputation? I've been wearing a purple butt bow and drag queen lipstick for how many chapters now, and you think I give a damn about my cool, stoic, badboy image for those fangirls? The only ones I'll even remotely accept are the ones holding the SasuIta signs, but I'll even settle with your name in front. ItaSasu, it's got a nice ring to it, and I'll let you fuck my ass, even if Naruto laughs at me forever and never lives it down."

Fighting a wince from the complete insanity that has unfortunately gripped his brother, Itachi exhales, "I believe that will be my limit to non-sense for one chapter. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to end this jutsu before Madara turns the Kages into shish kebabs."

Itachi readies the first sign, when Sasuke interrupts, "Wait! Do that and I'll... I'll destroy the village. Even if you want to save it!"

Itachi remains unfazed. "Konoha is strong, and Naruto defends it."

"Do you want me to utterly fall to the dark side?"

"Naruto can save you."

"I don't want him to save me. I want you to do that!"

"No can do."

Sasuke is clawing the air, because he is certain at this point, he knows he himself is insane, but his brother is right in the boat with him. His desperation makes Itachi hesitate at the last seal, and graces Sasuke with the truth he had promised him.

"If you can't tell by the multitude of ellipses in the manga, it remains unspoken that I really do love you, Sasuke, and want to save you myself, from the bottom of my heart," Itachi confesses, "but there exists something called plot, and something called main character, and because I am not the latter, my continued existence hinders the former. Good bye, little bro. Peace out, and may the Naruto be with you."

However, before Itachi can form the last seal, there is a sudden burst of light, sound, and sharp static.

When his senses return, he finds a Kirin-roasted Kabuto by his feet, and after a moment's pause to fully absorb the situation, introduces his palm to his face.

"Sasuke, do you know what you have done."

"Yes. For once in my life, yes I do. Nii-san, because you're my older brother, you have to play the mature one and repudiate me, you have to do what is right, and what is best for me and the world. However, because I'm the younger brother, I just can't follow what you say. I can be as selfish, immature, and unreasonable as I want. And if I want an incestuous happy ending with you, to the hell with the rest of the fucking world, I'm worth more to you than all of it anyway!"

"Tobi has really fed to your ego, hasn't he?"

"Yes he has!" And with that, he grabs his elder brother by the cloak and forces a kiss.

Two hours later, Madara's Susanoo has finished slicing all the mountains in proximity and decided to blow up the planet Dragon Ball Z style. But the help of the Izanami has already allowed the Uchiha brothers to copulate enough times to last them a lifetime, so all is right with the world.

"I still haven't heard you say it," Sasuke mutters, trailing butterfly kisses down his brother's bare chest.

Itachi sighs once more, before his lips pull into an exasperated smile and his fingers run through his brother's hair. "I love you, foolish little brother."

"I love you too, nii-san."

Excuse me, I stand corrected. Now is all right with the world.

The End.