The Beauty of Sorry

The sound of the waves on the sandy shore was too peaceful to be something that Dean Winchester was experiencing in real life. The lack of noise, people, and fear made him certain that it was a dream. His whole body tensed, and he looked around. He had no weapons out here.

"Cas?" his gaze had fallen on a figure, sitting on a rock, eyes cast distantly out to the shore. The figure, standing up and moving towards him, fixed their penetrating blue eyes on him. The wind gently mussed their black hair. Dean had nothing to say. He looked the same as ever. Dean wanted to very much to punch him, but that was pointless. Pointless and painful. So he opted for shouting.

"What the fuck are you doing here? You're fucking dead! You don't get to just show up inside me head! You don't! Not after you just re-started the end of the world! And what about Sam, huh? What about his head? Bet you didn't even think about that! You don't give a fuck! You spineless soulless son-of-a-bitch! Why don't you ever stay dead?"

Castiel's reaction was to do nothing. He just stood there, and accepted all the insults that Dean threw at him. Dean could feel the anger that had been buried beneath drink after drink coursing threw him. It burnt hotter than Hell. It engulfed ever cell of his body. He grabbed Castiel by the lapels of that god awful trench coat and shook him as hard as he could. The angel with a face as hard as fuckin' rock, flopped like a rag doll in his hands. It just made Dean madder.

"Fight back, you stupid-fucking angel! Fight back!" the angel remained floppy and useless. Dean threw him back, allowing him to crumple to the ground. He looked pathetic, but didn't care. Dean was too angry to care.

"Say something!" he knew he was acting like a child, standing over Cas screaming his head off, but he needed to hear him say something. Something that Dean could use to prove that it wasn't Dean's fault that all this had happened. Something that gave him an excuse to be mad. He wanted to rage and storm. To stamp his feet and swear. To cry.

"Dean…" the mumble was almost inaudible. Dean froze. The fire inside him getting hotter. Cas didn't have a right to be weak. Not when Dean was fighting to clear up the mess he was making. Not when Sam was hallucinating. Cas didn't have the right to make Dean feel bad. He didn't have the right for Dean to want to help him.

"Let me out!" he yelled, pulling Cas back to his feet. "Send me back! Fix Sam! And then go!"

"I can't." Dean didn't want to hear that. Dean couldn't hear that.

"No." he said, turning away, lip curling in disgust. "of course you can't. You can't do anything good!"

"I'm not real, Dean." Dean froze. He turned back to Cas, a frown creasing his forehead and lip still turned in a sneer.

"Excuse me?" Castiel sighed, his gaze falling to the floor and his arms swinging, self consciously, by his sides.

"I don't exist, Dean."

"But…but, I can see you. I can feel you!" Cas shook his head.

"I'm…" he faltered before shaking his head.

"Go on, say it." Cas shook his head. "Say it." commanded Dean. "Hey!" he snapped his fingers. "Look at me!" Cas' gaze jumped to him. "Okay, man, you're not going to start keeping secrets, again, are ya? 'Cause you're a dumb son-of-a-bitch, but if you do that again I'll find a way to kill you, understand?" Cas nodded. "So tell me, what do you think?" Castiel sighed.

"I believe that there is…" he closed his eyes and seemed to compose himself. "a piece of my Grace…residing within your soul." Dean's mind spun, and before he could process it, a flock of seagulls flew over head, the world around him blurred and he jolted awake.

"Alright there, son?" Dean sat bolt upright, eyes snapping open, breathing heavily, and looking around in panic. No Cas. Only Bobby, sitting at his desk and looking for something on Leviathens. Dean ran a hand over his face and reached, blindly, for a bottle of Scotch that would be around him somewhere. With a sigh that was long suffering and weary, Bobby prised himself from his chair and picked up a bottle on his desk, and poured himself and Dean glasses. Dean gulped down the one he'd been handed as if he had just spent days in the desert.

"Nightmares?" Dean made a non-committal movement with his head.

"How's Sam?" Bobby shrugged.

"He ain't screamin' his head off if that's what ya mean. You still dreamin' about Cas?" Dean raised his eyes to Bobby, shocked and defensive. Bobby rolled his own. "Ya ain't exactly subtle, wakin' up the rest of us scremin' his name." Dean blinked. He could remember flashes of a figure sinking into a river, but he had been unaware that it was that bad. Though he did know that he'd taken to drinking heavily before bed for a reason.

"Yeah." he lied, running a hand over his face. "Another nightmare, about the lake." Bobby nodded, not seeing any reason to doubt what Dean had said, and Dean saw no reason to add to the old hunter's trouble. If Cas really did have a piece of his Grace inside of Dean, than it was Dean's problem, not anyone else's. He rose from the couch, stretching.

"Found anything?" Bobby shook his head.

"These things are old. There ain't anything on 'em, not that I've got." Dean nodded, wishing he'd spent his time with Cas more productively. He might have had some information, if he was real.

"What time is it?" the dazed and confused sound of Sam Winchester's sleep deprived voice came floating through the Singer residence.

"Early enough for us to get to work." said Bobby in response and Sam swore under his breath. Dean nodded and got to his feet.

"Yeah, we've got a lot of work to do."

Dean didn't focus in for most of the day. Either his attention was on watching Sam's every movement, trying to discern whether or not he was hallucinating, or it was fixed on what he had dreamt last night, trying to discern whether it had been real. It had felt real to him. When he had yelled; that had been real. When he had touched his coat; that had been real. But he'd been dreaming. He knew he'd been dreaming. It hurt his brain to think about it, and the more it hurt the more he drunk. In the end, he didn't remember falling asleep.

"Dean?" Castiel was waiting for him, sitting on the same rock by the same beach. Dean bent down, feeling the sand between his fingers.

"Is this real, Cas?" Castiel looked up at him, blue eyes awash with pain.

"It is a dream…but that doesn't mean it isn't real."

"So, you're alive?" this time round, though, he could only feel relief flowing, like water, through his veins, putting out the fire fuelled by shock and pain. He moved over to sit by the angel on the rock. The two of them watched the waves roll into the shore. Watched the blue-green clash with the yellow sand and the shocking pinks and purples of the sunset.

"I am not alive, as such, but there is a piece of me still living."

"In me?" Castiel nodded. "How?" Castiel's head, as it so often did when he was confused or in deep thought, tilted to the side.

"I am…unsure, but when I raised you from Hell…part of me may have become attached." Dean frowned.

"But why am I only seeing you now?" Castiel's head tilted once more.

"I believe because I am completely gone, I have not been resurrected again." there was a long pause.

"Cas…can you help us?" there was a long pause.

"Help?"

"With the Leviathens…can you help us kill them?" there was a long pause in which Castiel seemed to stiffen. "Cas."

"Yes."

"Then, please, help us!" he exclaimed. Castiel's shoes scuffed the sand in the silence.

"Behead them." Dean blinked.

"Beg pardon?"

"Behead them, and then remove the head from the body, they are capable of reattaching themselves." Dean nodded.

"Thanks, man."

"Dean, I am sorry."

"Yeah, I know."

"Would it help if I walked into the sea and didn't come back?" Dean snorted, despite himself. He shook his head.

"No, seeing as you're the only one with any intel on these sons of bitches, you walking in there won't help us." Castiel nodded.

"Dean, I said I would fix Sam and I stand by my word…as soon as I work out how, I will fix your brother. I'll do whatever it takes to make what I did to Sam right, again…and I hope you can believe that it was never my intention to raise him soulless." Dean nodded, his throat momentarily closing up.

"Yeah…I know." they fell into silence again as Dean worked on swallowing so that he'd be able to speak properly. He opened his mouth, trying to formulate the words that could explain what he wanted next. However, there was nothing that he could say. He was angry, but relieved. He wanted Cas alive to fix their problems but if Cas was stuck inside him than he was more than useless. He just stared at the sea. Castiel did the same, seemingly not breathing. The remained like that, in peaceful silence, until the world blurred and Dean accepted that it was time to enter reality again.

From then on the days began to blur together into one, with Dean's aching mind never truly catching a break. Every waking moment was spent hunting Leviathens, and each night was spent on the beach with Cas. It was only when he was on the beach did he find some sort of peace as Castiel rarely spoke to him, only talking when Dean was the one to build the bridge across the river of silence that flowed between them. Sometimes, if they had encountered another case along the way, Cas would give him information.

"Dean?" Dean raised his head to look at the angel of the Lord, sitting on the rock and watching the sunset.

"Yeah."

"Borax is useful." Dean stared at the angel, whose gaze was still faraway and slightly unfocused. As he had recently become accustomed to doing, Dean snapped his fingers in front of Cas' face so that the angel would turn to him, and focus in properly on the conversation.

"What the hell are you talkin' about man?"

"Sodium borate, sodium tetrabate or disodium tetrabate." Dean blinked at him, even more confused.

"Yeah…let's stick with calling it borax, why is it useful?"

"I believe it will severely burn the Leviathens." Dean blinked a couple more times before nodding.

"Great! You're just telling me this now because…"

"I was unaware whether it was a practical method of fighting them, it seemed more useful to tell you how to kill them, initially." Dean could not argue with that.

"Yeah, but it's good to know how to slow 'em down, and torture them. Also, borax is easy to find."

"Really?"

"Yeah, 's in cleaning products."

"Oh, I was unaware." Dean snorted.

"Yeah…somehow that doesn't surprise me." Castiel nodded gently but his gaze wondered over to the sea, again, and Dean knew he was done talking for the day. That didn't bother Dean, though, he was quite happy to sit there, on a beautiful beach inside of his head, and let the waves lap against the sure.

Dean did not know how long that he'd been sat there, but before he got a chance to say anything more, though, the world around him blurred. However, unlike previously when it blurred quickly, this time everything mushed into one, slowly, and Castiel seemed to writhe and mutate in pain.

"Cas!"

"Dean!" Sam was shaking his shoulder. "Dean!" Dean fought his brother as he sat up eyes scanning the room, momentarily forgetting him that only he could see Cas. He clutched a hand to his chest as something painful burnt within him.

"Dean!" Sam and Bobby were yelling and shaking him but the pain inside him was almost unbearable.

"Cas!" he yelled, hand reaching for the angel that had been before him. "Help me! Do something!" the pain stopped, he collapsed, legs giving way, his knees barely feeling the pain as he hit the ground. Sam was pulling him up and he could only breathe heavily and try to control the raging adrenaline inside of him.

"Dean?" he only saw Sam's confused, concerned, face for a second longer before he passed out.

"You know, this is starting to get repetitive." he got to his feet and saw Cas sitting on the same rock on the same beach. Cas looked at him, concern alive in his eyes this time.

"Are you hurt?" he asked, and it was then that Dean noticed the blood trickling down from his nose. Dean shook his head.

"No, I'm fine. What's going on?" Castiel got to his feet.

"I believe that I am being punished." Dean raised an eyebrow.

"Punished? How? You're dead." Castiel's head tilted again.

"An angel is never truly dead…it is always possible to find pieces of them around…I have sinned in ways unimaginable against Heaven…were they to find a bit of me…"

"They'd torture the crap out of you." Castiel nodded, gently.

"Yes." Dean nodded.

"And, what, 'cause you're in me, I feel it too?" Castiel nodded.

"That would be a wise hypothesis to work on." Dean didn't know whether to be relieved to have answers or pissed off at the prospect of more pain.

"Great. That's just fucking awesome!"

"I'm sorry, Dean. Believe me when I say I did not know this would happen. I deserved to die, I would have been glad to…it is better than this; causing you more pain." Dean nodded.

"Yeah, get over it, you don't get to take the easy route out, you made a mess and you've got to fix it, no matter how much it hurts." Castiel nodded.

"You'll wake up soon, Dean, you're body was just in shock." Dean nodded.

"Did you make the pain stop?" Castiel nodded.

"I was able to…separate us temporarily." Dean nodded again.

"Good, but, Hell, this is gonna be a bitch to explain to Sam." Castiel just nodded in an absentminded manner. "Hey!" Dean snapped his fingers in front of the angel's face. "Focus." Castiel blinked and then looked around.

"I will see you in your dreams, Dean Winchester." Dean blinked, and then noticed the blurring.

"See ya, Cas."

"Dean?" Dean groaned as he pushed himself up. Sam and Bobby were bent over him, looking worried, concerned, and just a bit disturbed.

"Ahh." said Dean, grunting as his sat up properly, swinging his legs over so that his feet rested on the floor.

"What the hell just happened man?" demanded Sam, bending right into his vision, causing Dean to lean back.

"Whoa, back off Sammy." He climbed to his feet, hand going to his chest. This was the first time he'd ever really considered the fact that a part of Cas was nestled inside of him. They'd never really discussed it, but it now made Dean distinctly uneasy. Not in the least, because, if he was being tortured, Dean was sure there was gonna be a hell of a lot more pain to come.

"Dean! Are we gonna talk about what's going on with you or not?" Dean frowned.

"What's going on with me. You're the one that we need to worry about…you're the one with dear old Lucifer bouncing around inside their skull." Sam pulled a bitch-face.

"Yeah, but I've got it under control." Dean raised an eyebrow.

"Really?"

"Yes! But what about you screamin' Cas' name? He's gone, Dean. He's dead. We have to accept that." Dean shook his head.

"Look, Sam, I got this. I know he's gone, okay, I'm not dumb. You just worry about your head, I'll worry about the rest." Sam's bitch face increased by several strengths.

"Dean!" Dean turned his own glare on his brother.

"Drop it, Sam!" there was an exasperated grumble from his brother and then silence. The tension in the room made Dean want to drop back off to sleep and wake up on the beach but Bobby's voice stopped any thoughts of that in it's tracks.

"Okay, now that you ladies have stopped ya bitching we can get down to more important things." Dean nodded.

"Yeah, 'bout the Leviathens I-"

"Not the monsters, idjit, I meant why did you just collapse?" Dean paused for a second, not willing to mention the bit of Cas living in him because he knew that he'd just receive pitying stares and shaken heads. So, instead, he shrugged.

"I dunno."

"We should get ya to hospital."

"Bobby it's nothing."

"Dean."

"No! Okay, let's just focus on killing the Leviathens, alright."

Dean was lucky that later that day Bobby got wind of two hunts; one that looked like a simple salt-n-burn out in Montreal, whilst the other was a series of suspicious deaths in the woods in Minnesota. Bobby knew the person who had called them in from Minnesota personally and had agreed to go, but it took some time for Dean to convince Bobby to take Sam, and not him. Dean could tell that he was concerned about what would happen if he left either boy, no doubt presuming they'd end up in trouble, but Dean was not letting his little brother head off on his own whilst still carrying the Hell shit inside his head.

"How is the hunt going?" Dean sighed as he took a seat on the rock next to Cas. He shook his head, rubbing a hand across his eyes.

"Not good. It's not the daughter." Cas' head tilted to the side.

"It's not the one who was murdered in the house." Dean nodded, tiredly.

"Yep, I burnt her bones but that kid…"

"Did he die?" Dean shook his head, hand still tracing his forehead.

"Nah, he's in hospital." Castiel nodded in steady understanding.

"That is good, at least."

"Yeah, but if it's not Alison, then who is haunting the house?"

"Do you know who murdered her?" Dean paused before shaking his head.

"Nope, but the police reckon it was one of the family." Castiel nodded.

"Her father was already dead, correct?" Dean nodded. "Her mother-"

"Holly."

"-Holly, died a couple of months ago. Her brother-"

"Milo."

"-is a soldier."

"Yeah, he's deployed. He was away when his sister got killed and he's still away now."

"And then there's her half-sister, who is the person being haunted." Dean nodded.

"Yep, that sums everything up." Castiel raised his eyes to the sky as he considered the facts carefully.

"I believe Lindsay to be the killer."

"Yeah, that was my working hypothesis."

"It must be the mother, Holly, she must have found out. Lindsay was not her child, so it is likely that she will not have been overly pleased to have her in the house to start with, and then to find that she murdered her daughter…" Castiel let the sentence trail off and Dean nodded.

"Yeah, that's great, but they cremated her, and Lindsay and her husband redid the whole house. Nothing's the same. Besides, it's like you said, they didn't get on, so why would she keep something of her dead step-mother?" Castiel shook his head.

"I do not know, Dean, I am not good at fathoming the complexity of human emotions." they fell silent because, somehow, that seemed to have brought up the subject of Cas' betrayal, of Leviathens, Sam, and Dean's teeming emotions.

"Yeah, well, I guess I'll just head back to the house and see whether the mother managed to plant anything in there." Castiel nodded.

"Good." they waited in silence until Dean caught sight of a familiar flock of seagulls that always preceded him waking up.

"See ya, Cas." Castiel nodded, but his gaze had zoned out to the sea, a frown puckering his forehead.

"What happened?" Castiel had moved from his rock to stand over Dean. Dean groaned as he accepted Cas' hand to help him up.

"Bitch surprised me." he said, dusting the sand onto his pants. "'M unconscious?" Cas nodded, and Dean groaned, running his hands down his face.

"Did you get her?"

"Yep…you were right, mother-fucker was waiting for me though. Seems like she knew what she was going to do and had hidden a bit of herself inside the cellar. A burnt her, but not before your angels buddies decided that then was a good time to torture us." Cas, wiping some of the blood trickling from his own nose, looked down ashamed.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well, what can ya do." there was a pause in which Cas' shoe scuffed the sand and Dean knew he had something important to say. "Cat got ya tongue?" Cas frowned at him. "Whatever you want to say, spit it out. I'm too tired to get pissed off." Cas nodded.

"I believe, I may have found a way to cure Sam, but we must do it quickly. The longer Lucifer spends in his head, the less chance I have of fixing him properly."

"Great! How?" Cas stiffened for a second before sighing.

"I will need to control your body, for a second…well, actually, probably longer." Dean frowned. "If I can use you to channel my Grace, I stand a good chance of fixing him." Dean nodded.

"Good, what happens to you?" Castiel shrugged.

"I'm not alive Dean, so…" he shrugged again. Dean nodded.

"Right, well, the moment I wake up, we can head straight back to Bobby's." Cas nodded and the seagulls flew over their heads. "See you in a bit."

Dean pulled the car to a stop. He had spent the last couple of hours driving as if it was his last day. He had suddenly realised that he didn't know what'd happen to him if the part of Cas died. He was beginning to worry, slightly, about the angel living in him. Cas had been getting more and more distant, and it worried Dean. He wondered, silently, exactly how much of Cas' torture Dean was actually feeling because, sometimes, he felt stabbing pains across his chest but they were nothing compared to what he'd felt the first time. How much was Cas hiding from him? He pulled the keys out of the ignition and rested his arms on the steering wheel. He composed himself for what was about to happen next. He just hoped that it healed Sam. He needed it to heal Sam.

As he strolled into the house and shouted his greeting, he wondered whether or not he'd forgiven Cas. Most of the time, except for when he was really angry, tired or stressed, he got on with the angel as normal. He rarely shouted at Cas, and, just like with the salt-n-burn, they worked well as a team. There were still long silences, that had become awkward, and whenever Dean brought up the Leviathens Cas would stiffen and he rarely looked at him. Dean figured that, probably, if Cas managed to heal Sam, and they got rid of the Leviathens without dying, things'd be okay between them.

"Hey, boy." Bobby cuffed him around the back of the head and Dean winced in greeting.

"Hey." his gaze fell to Sam, fast asleep on the camp-bed and a nasty gash across his forehead. "What happened?"

"First there was the Wendigo." Dean raised an eyebrow but didn't comment. "And then there was the Leviathens." Dean dropped into the chair, both eyebrows raised.

"You kill 'em?"

"Your tip about the head and the borax, damned good." Dean nodded.

"Good."

"Where'd you find it again?" Dean shrugged.

"Don't remember." Bobby made a 'hmm' of disbelief, but moved away to get drinks. "I think I've found a way to fix Sam." Bobby nearly dropped the cups.

"What?" Dean shrugged.

"I dunno, but I think it'll work."

"What is it?" Dean shook his head.

"I'll tell you when Sam wakes up."

"Well, I'll drink to your secret method." Dean smiled and clinked his glass with Bobby's.

"Yeah, me too."

Sam woke up less than half an hour later, after Dean had finished recounting the tale of what had happened on his hunt, omitting the parts with Cas in, naturally. He blinked and looked around, giving Dean a half smile, and accepting the alcohol Bobby was offering him. Dean eyed him up. He looked like he hadn't slept, or ate, properly in days. He looked at Bobby who just shook his head. Dean sighed heavily.

"Well, idjit, you gonna tell us the plan?" Sam turned to Dean in curiosity.

"Plan?" Dean sighed, placing down his glass.

"I think I know how to fix you." Sam's glass shattered on the floor. Bobby rolled his eyes, and Dean smirked.

"Wh-what? How?" Dean shook his head, downing the last of the liquor.

"I don't know if it'll work I just-" He was cut off by the ghostly sound of Cas' voice.

"Dean."

"Jesus!" he exclaimed, smashing his own glass on the floor and causing the two other hunters to jump.

"Dean?"

"Don't do that, man!" he yelled.

"My apologies."

"Whatever, can you do it?"

"Dean, who are you talking to?"

"Yes, you'll wake up on the beach and then come back when I'm done…and Dean, if anything happens…I'm sorry, for everything. I'm sorry."

"God, can you go for two seconds without apologising?" Dean didn't hear a response, though, because the last thing he heard was Sam shouting;

"Dean!" before his vision blacked out and he woke up in the sand. He got to his feet, stretching, and wished that he had some alcohol. A bottle of gin appeared in the sand and he blinked, why hadn't he figured this out earlier? This was his dream. He could have anything. He considered some hot women, before remembering that Cas lived here, and his previous experiences with the opposite sex hadn't gone over too well, so he settled for a drink.

It was incredibly therapeutic to sit on the beach, drinking gin and whiskey, and whatever he fancied. He kept his eyes half fixed on the sky, waiting for the seagulls that would signal his return, but it remained a steady blue. After a while, when he realised that the alcohol wasn't having any affect on him, he pulled off his shoes and socks, rolled up his trousers, and walked into the sea. It was cool and it didn't take long for him to throw himself in completely and swim out, with no purpose other than to just enjoy himself. In hindsight, as he treaded water in the middle of the sea, he should have dragged Cas out here. The idea of the trench coated angel of the Lord swimming was so hilarious Dean inhaled sea-water, not that it bothered him. The angel probably wouldn't have had a clue what to do. He shook his head. He was on a beach, if the two of them hadn't been so serious, they could have had a lot of fun.

As Dean began to swim back into shore, thinking about getting an ice-cream, the flock flew over his head and Dean's heartbeat increased dramatically. When he went back, there was no guarantee that Sam was fixed, or that Cas had survived. He didn't know what would be facing him back in the main room of Bobby's house. His whole body was filled with nerves and fear. His heart pumped more blood than he needed. He took a deep breath as the world before his eyes blurred out of focus.

He stumbled away from Sam, his mind not comfortable with the shift from swimming to standing, and his memory telling him he'd been standing differently before. He clutched onto the side of the table whilst Bobby ran over to Sam and caught the stumbling Winchester.

"What the hell?" he exclaimed as he sat Sam down and Dean panted, pushing himself upwards and finding that pain spiked through his body. Sam had a hand over his forehead and Dean's legs gave way. He hit the floor, pain coursing through his chest. It was unbearable. He convulsed, his natural instincts causing him to curl into a 'C' shape. He could hear Bobby by his side, and just about feel his hand shaking him.

"Dean!"

"CAS!" he screamed, hands clutching his hair, and knees and chin tucked in as closely as they would go. He didn't notice the tears that were working their way down his cheeks. Why was he still experiencing this? "Cas!" Bobby was forcing something into his mouth as he tasted blood. He'd bitten his tongue. He could hear Sam talking on the phone. An ambulance?

"Dean, stay with me son." Dean tried to speak. Tried to ask whether Sam was fixed but he couldn't. The hand that he'd managed to detach from his head and clutch onto Bobby's jacket fell away as another spasm of pain hit. He whimpered.

"Cas…" he barely noticed the fact that his world was black.

"Dean! Dean!" a hand was shaking him roughly. Dean was curled into a ball and he didn't particularly want to move. He prised his eyes open, though, when he deciphered that the voice was Cas'. He rolled over and saw the angel, bloody and beaten, leaning over him.

"Cas…" he gasped and felt his strong hands pull him up. He was guided to the rock, and he realised that his knees were weak, his legs shaky. "What…what happened?" he gasped as he sunk onto the rock. Castiel shook his head, blood still trickling from both his nostril. "Cas!"

"I…I'm sorry." Dean's eyes flew to Cas' face. Blood leaked from his left temple. A hand had wrapped itself around his stomach. Dean saw that there was blood coming from between his fingers, staining the shirt. Dean swallowed.

"Did…did you fix Sam?" there was a pause before Cas nodded.

"Yes, yes I think so…it's not…it's not like before…but it should hold…it had been…crushed, you see. When I broke it…I, um, I did it in a way so that it would be easy to fix…but the more he hallucinated the more worn down it got…it should hold, though." Dean nodded.

"Good. Good." he was beginning to feel stronger again. "What happened to you…us?" Cas directed his gaze to the ground.

"I'm not strong, Dean, I am only a tiny piece of what I was when I broke it…I…I may have accidentally used some energy from your soul." Dean's mouth hung open.

"Err…"

"I'm sorry." his arm wrapped tighter around his chest. Dean nodded, trying to process the news in a way that meant he reacted, and understood, it properly. Castiel had used some of Dean's soul to fix Sam's wall. Sam's wall that protected him from Hell. Protected him. He nodded. "Dean I-"

"It's fine, Cas." the blue eyes that had turned to him were so confused it made him laugh. "Hey, look, that's my little brother you just saved, you could've used my whole soul and, as long as it means he's okay, than it's bloody well gonna be fine with me." Cas managed to give him a small smile.

"Thank you, Dean."

"Right…now, come on, we need to get you mended." Cas frowned. "If you think that I'm going to sit around and let you bleed to death all over my beautiful beach, you got another thing coming." Cas continued to frown, and Dean wished that he had some alcohol, and some needle and floss. All the things appeared by him. "Alright, have this." he handed him the glass of whiskey. "It'll numb the pain."

"I don't think it'll work in a dream, Dean." Dean glared at him and Cas obediently drunk it.

"Good, then let's start with the head…and then you're going to have to take your shirt off, just in case you're a prude." Castiel looked at him in confusion.

"I'm not a…as you say prude, I'm an angel, this is not my true form." Dean rolled his eyes.

"Whatever."

Dean successfully stitched up in Cas in record time as he didn't have any moaning or complaining about his shoddy sowing skills to deal with. Castiel was very still the whole time and seemed to watch the sky with a fascinated expression. Dean, every time he looked at the angel, almost told him that he was forgiven, but he couldn't. There was still the Leviathen barrier that stopped him, even if the angel had told them how to kill them. Soon, though, soon he'd be able to say it, and mean it. The fact was, though, that he'd worked with Crowley, as much as it made his skin crawl, and he knew that Cas had done it to protect them. He knew that, but he didn't like it. He didn't like it because, again, someone who was a brother had trusted a demon over him. He kept wondering what he'd done wrong. He could have helped Cas, but he'd picked the demon, just like Sam had, and that hurt. It hurt a lot to think that he was making the same mistakes, with no idea what they were. He didn't know what he was meant to do. So he did what he could, and right now it was mending his broken friend.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Cas was putting his trench coat back on as Dean pulled off Cas' shoes and socks, after doing his own. Dean sent him an evil smirk.

"Well, I've obviously passed out, and don't know when my body'll be ready, so we're going to have some fun." Cas' head performed it's familiar tilt.

"Fun?" Dean grinned, not caring if he resembled a five year old at this point.

"Yeah fun, follow me." Dean charged towards the sea and Cas, frowning and limping, followed him. He stopped, though, when Dean ran headlong into a wave.

"Dean…"

"Jump in!" Cas stayed, stock still, by the shore watching the incoming water. His gaze was sunk into a frown and Dean, waist deep in water, looked at him with a concerned frown. "Cas what's up?" he got no response. "Cas!" his eyes raised to Dean.

"I haven't been to the beach in many millennia."

"Well, then, we've got to make up for lost time."

"The last time I was here, though, I was with Gabriel…and Balthazar, and all my other brothers." Dean frowned, having never heard about Cas' life before he raised Dean from Hell. "and there was this fish, and I was running, because Balthazar and Uriel were chasing me..." Dean raised an eyebrow but let Cas keep talking. "but then Gabriel grabbed me and told me not to stand on the fish, that there were big plans for the fish. I looked down and there was this tiny fish under my foot. I hadn't noticed it. Then Balthazar punched me on the shoulder and it nearly knocked me over…he said I would never believe what it would become and Uriel said it would be Sin, and I told him that he was stupid, because if it was Sin, Gabriel would have let me trample it…I often wish I had stepped on the fish…it would have saved my family a lot of pain…but if I had, I'd never have met you, or Sam, or Bobby…and for some reason that is enough." Dean thought about what he'd said for a long while, amazed, partly, at the idea that Cas had been around when man had been created, and, also, the idea of them playing and joking on a beach.

"So, basically, you don't want to come into the sea because of a childhood trauma." Castiel blinked at him in confusion, and Dean sighed, wading back out of the sea. "Look, man, you remember what I said; I'll take the pain, and the guilt, and my broken brother. I'll take everything life throws at me, it's better than being some order-following-son-of-a-bitch with no heart, or soul." Castiel nodded. "Look, you're saying that you've never been back to the sea 'cause it reminds you that you could've stopped whatever the hell went wrong in your family." Dean nodded. "I get that…you know, I get that, but you gotta move on, Cas. You gotta move on. Besides, if there really were big plans for that fish…your daddy would've brought it back." Castiel nodded.

"Yes…you're right."

"Course I'm right, now, don't make me push you." Cas looked at him. Then he took a careful step forward and leapt in surprise as the water touched his toe.

"It's…it's warm!" he exclaimed in surprise.

"Dude, dream, course the water's warm." Cas had a huge grin spreading across his face and Dean really couldn't deny that he was a baby in a trench coat at times. He took a couple of steps forward, wading in a fashion that reminded Dean of when he'd walked into the lake. He swallowed. "Cas?" the angel, knee deep in water, turned to him. "Do you remember dying?" Castiel tilted his head to the side.

"Not, really, I know how I died, but I don't remember it." Dean nodded.

"Good, come on." Dean ran in and splashed him. Cas froze, blinking slightly as the salt water stung his eyes. He tilted his head to the side and then splashed him back. Despite being injured, Cas was still a lot stronger than Dean and so quite a large wave attacked him. He was almost knocked off his feet and saw Castiel advancing towards him in the water. Dean retreated further out, barely able to breath through the barrage of water being thrown at him by Cas. Then he ducked underneath the surface. Swimming quickly he caught a hold of Cas' legs, that were flailing as his body adapted to the water, and pulled.

"Dean!" Cas resurface, messy black hair plastered to his head, and eyes wide with shock. "What was that for?" Dean, who was grinning like a child, let out an evil laugh.

"It's all part of the fun, Cas." Cas' head tilted again.

"What's fun about making someone think they've been attacked." If Dean hadn't been in water he would have face-palmed at that statement.

"I dunno, Cas, it just is." Cas nodded and then disappeared from view. It took Dean half a second to work out what was going on before he was dragged beneath the sea. He struggled, futilely, for a couple of seconds, before Cas released him and he shot back towards the surface.

"Dean?" Cas was swimming next to him, eyes huge, as Dean coughed, trying to breathe and laugh at the same time. "Are you alright?"

"Oh man!" he exclaimed. "Now you're getting it!" Castiel frowned.

"I did the right thing?" Dean nodded.

"Yep," he said, clapping him on the shoulder as best he could. "yeah you did."

Dean wasn't sure how long he and Cas spent in the sea, or on the beach where Dean introduced Cas to the concept of ice-cream, and laughed himself silly at the sight of the angel with a splodge of ice-cream on his nose, but it was some of the best hours of his life. He couldn't remember being that happy for a long time. It was incredible how the angel could do that. How, for Dean, introducing Cas to some of the more basic things in human life could produce such hilarity that his life genuinely didn't seem to suck half as badly as it normally did. He was actually sad when Cas pointed out the seagulls above and when the world blurred to show Sam and Bobby sitting by his bed side.

He sat up, pulling tubes and wires out of him, as they realised that he was awake.

"Dean!" exclaimed Sam, bounding to his feet and watching, in mild horror, as Dean pulled the patches off his chest that monitored his heart rate. "What are you doing?"

"I'm fine."

"Bullshit." said Bobby, staring him down. "That ain't the first time you've done that."

"You had a fit, Dean!" Dean shook his head.

"I'm not sick."

"Dean…" and there was something placating in Sam's tone that made him a hundred per cent sure he was about to talk about Cas' death.

"How's your head?" he demanded, swinging his legs out of the bed. Sam shrugged.

"I dunno, good, I guess…quiet." Dean nodded.

"Good."

"What did you do?" asked Sam, his voice quiet and slightly fearful.

"I didn't do anything."

"Dean, you pressed your hand to my forehead and then I don't remember anything for a little while, and then I woke up and you still had your hand to my forehead, and it hurt like hell." Dean turned to Bobby. Bobby shrugged.

"I dunno what you did, but it took ages, and when I went to move you away you looked at me and your eyes were blue." Dean nodded.

"Dean, you need help." said Sam, his voice gentle. "This thing about Cas…it can't keep going on. The doctor said that it's not impossible for a severe trauma and/or a huge stress could bring this kind of thing on, especially if you're drinking a lot of alcohol. I said we'd just lost a good friend, and he asked if we had anything of his that could be reminding you of him and I said the trench coat, he thinks we should get rid of it." Dean grabbed Sam by his jacket and smashed him against the wall.

"I am not sick!" he yelled. "I'm not psycho! And if you got rid of that coat than god help you!"

"Alright, break it up." Bobby moved between them, pulling Dean away. "We ain't done nothin' to the damned coat, reckoned you should be there to give him a proper send off." Dean shook himself from Bobby's grasp.

"Take me home. Take me home and I'll tell you everything." Sam and Bobby shared looks whilst Dean took a seat, breathing deeply. He didn't want to tell them about Cas inside of him, but if they were going to make him see some sort of therapist…

The car journey was silent. Bobby refused to let Dean drive and so he sat shotgun, Cas' coat on his lap and gaze fixed out of the window. Sam sat in the back seat, arms folded across his chest and a frown on his face. Bobby swore, extensively, at anyone that annoyed him, but that was the only thing that made it seem like a normal car journey. There was an incredible amount of tension, especially coming from Sam, but Dean was too tired to deal with it. He just needed some quiet to think and collect himself. He didn't know what they'd do, when they found out, but they'd probably overreact.

"Okay, boy, tell us everything." they were seated back in Bobby's house with plenty of alcohol around them. Dean sighed, and rubbed a hand across his face.

"Well, long while ago, actually, I, erm, had a dream." both Sam and Bobby raised their eyebrows and looked at each other. "But it wasn't just a dream, it was a dream."

"Huh?" Sam's eyebrows rose and his posture slumped slightly. Bobby rolled his eyes.

"Can't ya just say it?" Dean shrugged.

"I dunno, it was just a really realistic dream, like the ones Cas used to communicate with me…I looked round…and he was there." Both Bobby and Sam looked like they'd been clobbered.

"He's…he's alive?" exclaimed Sam, voice completely shocked. Bobby shook his head.

"Fucking angels…never stop surprisin' us." Dean shook his head.

"He's not alive, per se, he's…he's sort of living…in me." there was a pause in which Sam's face went from more shocked, to disbelieving, to incredulous, to his bitch-face that read 'Dean-this-is-a-sick-joke-and-it's-totally-not-funny-so-please-please-stop'. Bobby just stared at him.

"Come again?" Dean rolled his eyes and downed half of his drink.

"His Grace…well some of it, he thinks it got attached to my soul when he was raising me…he thinks that, because, he's not been resurrected it's kind of surviving on it's own, and the first "fit" was because some other angel got a hold of little piece of him floating around…and they're torturing him…but he manages to separate his Grace from my soul so I don't feel the full extent of the pain." Sam's face had adopted his lost-puppy look. Bobby just looked shocked.

"Balls." he muttered. Dean nodded.

"Yeah, that's one way of putting it…and, when he fixed Sam, he used me to channel his Grace, I'm guessing that's why my eyes went blue, but he's not that strong so he accidentally used some of the energy from my soul." Sam's face had slowly transitioned into the 'what-the-fuck' expression and Dean knew that he believed him, or that he would.

"So…you're saying that Castiel, our Castiel, angel of the Lord and all that, is living inside you!" Dean nodded.

"Yeah…pretty much." Sam dropped his head against his arm, no doubt his brain short-circuiting at the bizarreness of the situation. Bobby just shook his head a couple of times.

"Okay, so, let's just say that there is a little bit of Feathers living in you, how do you know that he's been tortured by angels and all that shit?"

"Whenever I fall asleep, I wake up on the beach…with Cas." Bobby nodded, and then something seemed to dawn upon him.

"He told you about decapitation and borax, didn't he?" Dean nodded, and Bobby rolled his eyes.

"Why didn't you just tell us?" asked Sam, head raised from arm, but the look of perplexion still firmly on his face. Dean shrugged.

"At first…I dunno I was kind of pissed." Sam rolled his eyes but no one verbally interrupted. "And then it was my problem, you had Lucifer hitching a ride in your head, and there were Leviathens to hunt…wasn't that important in the grand scheme of things…not with him helping me and all. I, also, wasn't sure you'd even believe me." Bobby glanced at Sam who shrugged.

"Yeah…you may have a point there." Dean shrugged.

"It's not too bad, we just overtaxed ourselves a bit, I reckon." there was a long pause because, really, what can you say to someone who's just told that they've got a little bit of angel living inside of them. In the end Bobby shrugs, he gets to his feet and moves to the fridge, no doubt in search of more alcohol. Sam looked Dean with one of the more lighter bitch glares that clearly, to Dean, read 'why-didn't-you-just-tell-me-jerk'. He dumped open beers before the two brothers and took a sip of his own.

"Next time, idjit, you tell us if something happens, got it?" Dean, wry smile managing to work it's way onto his lips, nodded, even as Sam looked horrified at the idea of something like that happening again.

"So they know." him and Cas were seated on the sand, shoes and socks off, and trouser legs rolled up, whilst their feet were gently massaged by the water. Dean nodded his head very firmly.

"Yes." Cas turned his blue eyes onto the sunset, a far-away look appearing on his face.

"Was their reaction…favourable?" Dean considered the question for a second, raising the beer bottle to his lips.

"They don't wanna cut me open and try to extract you…if that's what you mean." Cas nodded.

"Good. That is favourable." Dean shot him a weird look. There was something so distant about Cas' expression that told Dean he wasn't really thinking about Bobby and Sam's reaction.

"Okay, what's going on?" the bottle was stuck into the sand and Dean, arms resting on his knees, turned his head to Cas. Cas seemed to pause for a second but Dean knew he was about to be informed, Cas seemed to finally be beginning to understand the concept of talking without being prompting.

"I am uncertain," he began and Dean snorted.

"Yeah, you sound it." Cas shook his head.

"No, I mean, I am uncertain what to do next…I said I would redeem myself to you, and I have helped with Sam and I have told you all I know about the Leviathens…I don't know what else I can do." Dean understood that. Cas was living inside Dean, he was practically useless. Dean nodded, exhaling heavily.

"Look, Cas, we're not perfect, and I can't speak for Bobby or Sam, but as far as we're concerned…we're good." Castiel's head turned to him and he looked surprised to be greeted with a small smile.

"Good?" Dean nodded.

"Don't make me say it again." he warned and the ghost of a smile appeared on Cas' features.

"Thank you." Dean nodded. "And I'll help you in whatever way I can…even I you just need someone to…to yell at. I'll be whatever you need me to be." Dean nodded.

"Good. There's still some serious shit going down in the real world, we could use all the help we can get." Castiel nodded.

"Yes." Dean rubbed a hand over his face and glanced at the sky. No birds. He managed a small smile.

"This place…it's my dream so it can be whatever I want?" there was a pause before Castiel nodded. Dean allowed the grin to spread across his face. "Come on." he said, unable to maintain a straight face as he formulated his plan, and beckoning Castiel to his feet. Castiel stood and looked at him with a head tilt and a frown. "I'm taking you to Vegas."