I don't own Game of Thrones, Iris by the Goo-Goo Dolls, So Cold by Ben Cocks (requested by Sarah-Snow-Stark, so enjoy) or A Song of Ice and Fire. AS I KEEP SAYING, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO REQUEST SONGS!

Chapter Ten

Jon

Sleep and I weren't close friends normally, but that night I wasn't even tired. I just kept staring at the door, knife in hand, waiting for someone to come in and snatch Lyara from me. 'Let them try,' I thought. 'I'm ready.' It hadn't taken long for her to fall asleep and stay that way, but she was having recurrent nightmares. She was drenched through with sweat, and emitted soft cries at intervals, and all I wanted to do was wake her up and rescue her from them. I was so lovesick it felt like my heart was breaking-because I knew, one way or another, sooner or later; I was going to have to give her up.

And I also knew I wasn't strong enough to do that. Not now I'd fallen in love with her.

I stopped watching the door an hour later, satisfied now that Sam had kept his word and no-one was coming through the door in the near future. Stripping to my undershirt and pulling on a pair of loose trousers, I slipped into bed and put my arms around the dark-haired girl, and felt the tension in Lyara's muscles relax. It felt good that I could make her happier. For now, at least, we were together, and that was all that mattered to me. I put my hand to her pale cheek. Her face was more angular than it had been, her short hair accenting that. Her cheekbones cut razor-sharp across it in a way that suggested woman, not girl. It was unsettling.

I held Lyara closer, burying my face in her soft hair. When I pulled back, it felt wet, and I realised I'd been crying. "Jon?" I swallowed my tears. I hoped she hadn't heard anything.

"Yes, Lyara?"

"Do you think I should leave?" My heart stopped beating.

"What?!" The words came out strangled and hoarse. "Why?"

"We can't go on like this. If Sam should tell anyone what he saw then it won't just be my head on the chopping block, it will be yours too, and if I can stop that happening then I'll do whatever is in my power."

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

"You can't leave," I choked. "I've lost you once, I refuse to lose you again, no."

"All right, all right. I won't leave," she promised, with a soothing tone. "I love you, Jon. Whatever happens, I will always love you." I kissed her fiercely.

"And I you."

We stayed in the one position as sleep claimed Lyara once more, arms and legs intertwined; my chin on her head, which was snuggled comfortingly into my chest. "Please leave her with me," I prayed to the old gods. It would have been better if there had been a weirwood, but I had to make do. "Don't take her away. Please."

I couldn't leave with Lyara. We had nowhere to go-with my father in King's Landing; Lady Catelyn would bar the gates to Winterfell. I had nothing to offer her in the means of money or security. Only the irrevocable love I bore for her. Only me. I knew she wouldn't care much about that, or so I hoped, anyway, but I did. If her decision was to leave, I couldn't really stop her without feeling selfish and guilty. I'd already asked her not to go, and even that left a bad taste in my mouth. Ghost regarded me with his blood-red eyes, lying on the floor beside the door to my quarters.

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I knew the men of the Night's Watch took no wives and fathered no children. I hadn't taken my vows, so I was not an oathbreaker yet. But I soon would be; if I continued to hold onto her. I had ignored any sexual urges for a month. I didn't know how much longer I could go. If I didn't marry or bed her, would I still be an oathbreaker? Could I still love her or kiss her, or even merely touch her, once I'd taken the Black and said the words? All the questions were making my head spin. Eventually I just closed my eyes and slept.

Lyara

'It's so nice here,' I thought. This place only came to me when things were particularly bad. A beautiful forest glade, where the world outside simply flew away. At least while I was asleep. It was preferable to my earlier nightmares, anyway. I winced.

My favourite songbirds, mockingbirds, sang away happily above my head in the trees. A warm breeze ruffled the leaves and the sun shone into my glade where the grass was soft and the pool rippled. This place was the place no-one else knew about, not even Jon. "A woman's heart is an ocean of secrets," Orla had told me once. "Secrets she allows no-one else to know, like her dreams and fears and hopes." To be honest, Jon was the only thing that was missing. Try as I might, however, I couldn't make him appear. Probably because he didn't know the way. Theon I had seen once when we were together, in passing. Yes, Theon Greyjoy. I blame that mistake on having absolutely no taste when I was sixteen. I had also seen my parents wandering around on a few occasions, and Bran and Arya, but Jon evaded me. It was annoying. No matter how much I thought of him during the day or dreamed of him at night, it made no difference. Here was the once piece of my heart he didn't have completely. I tried not to think of what that might mean.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

I noticed happily that my hair was back to its previous length. I missed my hair. I couldn't hide behind my boy's haircut, but before, when it was long, it helped me when I wanted to hide anything. It flowed in a silky curtain to my waist. My good mood was gone when I realised I was wearing a gown. I hated dresses. It was a heavy garment, made of black brocade and grey lace. I fingered the soft material, fascinated by it. I hated dresses, but this one I might make an exception for. A pair of black lace slippers covered my feet. I had no idea why exactly I was wearing this sort of thing, I had no way to afford such fine clothes, but in dreams, I suppose the impossible becomes possible.

Day turned to twilight. I hadn't ever stayed this long in my fantasy world. Fireflies appeared, and the delicious perfume of a forest at night made me sigh. The woods were coming alive. It was then I heard a voice. "Lya..."

Lya was my childhood nickname. But only one person knew it, because he had given it to me.

Maybe Jon did hold sway over this place after all.

He stepped out of the woods to my left, a prince of darkness with jet in his hair and slate in his eyes. A white direwolf walked soundlessly beside him. I suddenly felt rather mediocre in comparison to this godlike creature, even in clothes fit for a lady. I stood up self-consciously, feeling the full weight of my gown.

He, too, was clothed in black. Black jerkin and tunic, black leggings, black boots. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I was struck dumb by his beauty. He was handsome in reality, ridiculously so, but this...it took my breath away. Amazingly, he was gazing at me as if I were the most radiant being in the world, and I had to wonder what he saw.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

He came closer, close enough to put his arms firmly around my waist. "Hello," he whispered with a voice like smoke, a smile lighting his face up.

"Jon," I murmured. Then he kissed me.

It wasn't really like any other kiss we'd had. This was so wonderful; I could hear explosions in the background. I swear my heart skipped a beat. My whole body sang joyfully. I was thanking the gods with all I had, when...

My eyes opened.

I groaned unhappily. Why did anything good have to end? This was why I didn't like dreams. All the good ones were over too quickly. Well, not completely. My sweet, honourable, loving Jon still held me in his arms, asleep. His lashes were long and they rested on his cheeks innocently, like a young boy's. I'd never seen him look this vulnerable. The only thing that stopped me from mistaking him for a child was the hair that left its dark shadow on his jaw and lip. I nuzzled his chest gently.

Everything was so quiet, so still, like the calm before a storm. It wasn't yet time to get up but it was clearly morning. I didn't want to wake Jon, anyway. A thick curl of black hair fell over his face endearingly.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

He wasn't stirring by the time the horn that signified getting up time blew, so I shook him awake gently. "Time to wake up, sleepy," I smiled. Jon screwed his eyes up and yawned, awake now.

"Do we have to get up already?" he complained sleepily. I rolled out of bed.

"Yeah. Could be worse." I started yanking my breeches on, tying the laces so tight I could barely breathe in my haste. "Come on, you great lazy thing. I don't want to have to throw cold water over you." This threat was so familiar to me. A pang of sorrow hit. I really, really missed Orla. I missed Richard even more so, and you may as well throw Kirren into the mix too. Nothing could replace my family, not even Jon, who was currently trying to tug a shirt over his head. My shirt, which was made at least three sizes too small for him. "How long were you awake last night after I went to sleep?"

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

"Not long."

"Liar. You're trying to put my shirt on." He took a look at the shirt and cussed under his breath.

"Sorry. Give me a chance to wake up."

I rolled my eyes but said no more about it. I got the shirt back, anyway.

Jon

I looked on at Rast and Sam. The former wasn't doing anything in the way of fighting; he was simply shifting from foot to foot and sneaking glances at me. I stood, expressionless, giving nothing away. Sam was trying at least, but when he hit Rast he dropped his sword clumsily. "What are you waiting for?" Ser Alliser growled. "Attack him!" Rast hesitated. Then finally he tapped Sam on the arm with the flat of his sword. There was a reason for his subdued demeanour.

I'd paid him a visit while he was sleeping last night, with Grenn, Pyp, and Ghost. On my orders, Ghost had leapt onto his chest while I gagged him with a twisted strip of cloth. "No-one touches Sam," I'd threatened. Only to have that blow up in my face a few hours later when Sam caught me and Lyara kissing.

Ser Alliser became more and more frustrated, until he eventually pulled Rast away. "You, get in there," he snarled, pushing Grenn towards Sam. It was quite amusing.

"Hit me," Grenn muttered softly. Sam was confused. "Go on, hit me!" When the fat boy obeyed, he pretended to fall over in agony. "Ah! I yield!" I couldn't stop a smile coming to my face as everyone else laughed. "Yield! Yield. I yield." Thorne narrowed his eyes, pushed Sam out of his way as he marched over to me, and grabbed me by the scruff of my neck. I stopped smiling.

"You think this is funny, do you?" he asked, his voice as menacing and silky as he glared. "When you're out there, beyond the Wall with the sun going down, d'you want a man at your back? Or a snivelling boy?" He projected his voice then for everyone to hear, and I knew I wasn't going to win this one. I submitted instead, and rubbed my neck surreptitiously when he let me go.

Training finished early, as it started raining and didn't stop, so I was forced to scrub the mess hall with Sam as a punishment for my 'insolence'. We were on the second table when he spoke to me. "Did I imagine last night?" he questioned, voice wobbling. I shook my head, wishing with all my heart he hadn't seen that. "Why did she come here? Truthfully." I sighed.

"Lyara was going to be sent away to King's Landing by her foster parents, to be a Septa."

"Why?"

"Because they told her to stay away from me and she didn't listen."

"What did you do to make them do that?" I was getting annoyed with the questions, but I supposed he deserved to know everything. "Did you-" His voice dropped to a whisper- "Did you get her pregnant and leave her?"

"No. I wouldn't do that to anyone, let alone Lyara, ever," I snapped.

"What, then?"

Silence ensued. "I don't know," I finally admitted. "Ask Lyara that."

"How long have you known her?" At least Sam was now trying to stay away from the heavier topics. I thanked him internally and answered.

"Nearly six years. We were just little when we met."

"Do you love her?" Forget what I said earlier.

"Yes. Yes, I do."

"Then why didn't you stay in Winterfell?"

"I didn't know she returned my feelings."

"You weren't together?"

"No. She was courting my worst enemy at one point, though. It was me she came to when it blew up in her face." My mind went back. Two years ago, when Lyara and Theon had been together.

"Tell me about it," Sam begged. 'Oh well,' I thought. 'May as well, now.'

Flashback

I glared at Theon's back while he tickled Lyara playfully. It just had to be my friend he took, didn't it? She spent more or less all her time with him now, except for a few chance moments she tried to scrape up for me. But it still hurt. The minute Theon twitched his tail at her...I ground my teeth. Scratching the black peach-fuzz that was beginning to cover my jaw (another thing that was annoying me, though I tried not to let it show. I was really rather proud of my stubble) to take my mind off things, I turned my attention to Bran having his first go at grooming a horse.

Oh, you can't hear me cry
See my dreams all die
From where you're standing
On your own

Unfortunately, the sickening display of affection was still going on, and it irked me enough to make me speak. "D'you mind doing that in private?" I called. Theon grinned mockingly.

"Oh, is ickle Jon uncomfortable? Ickle Jon should fuck off, then. Go on, bastard," he bit back. Lyara scowled at him angrily and pushed him onto the ground.

"Don't speak to him that way," she warned icily. "I catch you doing it again I'll give you a lot worse than that." She stormed off home. Theon stared after her, and then pounced on me.

"Get it into your head, bastard. Lyara Riordan is mine, so back off, and we won't have a problem. If you don't..." He shrugged. "Say goodbye to any chance of seeing her."

"Her name's Lyara Rierden. Not Riordan, Rierden. If you gave a damn about her you'd know that. She deserves better than you," I growled.

"Who does she deserve then, Snow? You? You're just a bastard boy from the North. I'm Prince of the Iron Islands."

"At least my father cares about me. Yours gave you up like some dog he didn't want anymore." I laughed harshly. "So now tell me how much better for her you are. I've known her for three years-she won't put up with you for much longer, 'Prince of the Iron Islands'." I dodged his punch and walked away. I was slightly shocked at myself. I never spoke to anyone that way, but he made me so ANGRY, and it felt so very, very good.

It's so quiet here
And I feel so cold
This house no longer
Feels like home

"He's not a complete prick once you get to know him, Jon," Lyara told me later that day. We were sitting by the weirwood, eating a cold supper that Orla had given us. "He can be very kind, and sweet." I raised an eyebrow.

"Are we talking about Theon Greyjoy here, or another Theon I should know about?" I asked. She grinned and shook her head exasperatedly.

"I'm being serious. He has a soft side, whether you believe it or not."

Oh, when you told me you'd leave
I felt like I couldn't breathe
My aching body fell to the floor
Then I called you at home
You said that you weren't alone
I should've known better
Now it hurts much more

"I don't believe it. He could really hurt you, Lyara. Don't trust him too easily." She cocked her head to the side, so she could fix her hazel-green eyes on mine.

"Are you jealous, Jon?"

"Of course I'm not! Well...not that way. But friends like you aren't exactly a common breed." I laughed as she looked at me quizzically. "What? It's true! I know it's petulant, but we never spend any time together now, and it is really annoying me."

"What are we doing now, then? And I know you're not overly fond of Theon. You don't have to be nice to him, just civil. I've asked him to do the same, and if he doesn't, then I'll stop courting him." I nearly choked on my apple.

"Why?"

"Because you're my best friend! If he can't even be civil to you for my sake, then he obviously doesn't care that much." She hugged me tight. I smiled in relief and returned the embrace enthusiastically. "You're growing a beard," she mumbled, her voice muffled.

You caused my heart to bleed and
You still owe me a reason
I can't figure out why...

Why I'm alone and freezing
While you're in the bed that she's in
I'm just left alone to cry

"Is it scratchy?" I asked, blushing.

"No, it just feels odd." Lyara pinched my cheek teasingly, making me chuckle and shove her away. "We're both growing up now."

"Mm."

"Lyara? Lyara!" I had to dig my fingernails into my palms as Theon came into the godswood.

"What is it? I'm busy," she replied, irked.

"I just wondered where you were." He turned stiffly towards me. "Jon."

"Theon," I answered.

"Orla wants you home now."

"Why'd she send you to get me?"

"I was looking for you, so of course I stopped at your home first." Lyara rolled her eyes, and stood up, allowing him to put an arm around her shoulder.

"Bye, Jon."

"Goodbye."

Ohhh...Ohhh...Ehhh...Ehhh...
Ohhh...Ohhh...Ehhh...Ehhh...
Ohhh...Ohhh...Ehhh...Ehhh...
Ohhh...Ohhh...Ehhh...Ehhh...

You caused my heart to bleed and
You still owe me a reason
I can't figure out why...
You caused my heart to bleed and
You still owe me a reason
I can't figure out why...

Oh, you can't hear me cry
See my dreams all die
From where you're standing
On your own

It's so quiet here
And I feel so cold
This house no longer
Feels like home

I began scrubbing the table harder than I'd meant. Thinking of Theon irritated me-I'd put him out of my mind.

"I know for a fact that some of the officers go to that brothel in Mole's Town," Sam grumbled after a peaceful hour's silence.

"I wouldn't doubt it," I replied dryly. It wasn't news to me, and it wasn't as if I'd been entirely celibate...my cheeks reddened at the thought.

"Don't you think it's a little bit unfair? Making us take our vows while they sneak off for a little... Sally on the side?" The expression made a laugh bubble up in my throat. I started to feel slightly better-after all, why hold onto bad memories? I had a new life here.

"Sally on the side?"

"Silly, isn't it? What, we can't defend the Wall unless we're celibate? It's absurd!" He too got red in the face. Clearly, it aggravated Sam-though I doubted he'd even gotten within a metre of a girl. He was too timid and awkward. In truth, I wasn't the best socialiser either, but somehow girls took a shine to me. I hadn't noticed them all that much.

"I didn't think you'd be so upset about it."

"Why not?" Sam looked puzzled. Then an indignant look came over his face. "Because I'm fat?"

"No-"

"But I like girls just as much as you do. They might not like me as much." He shrugged as if it was inevitable. Then he blushed, not out of anger, but out of embarrassment. "I've never...been with one. You've probably had hundreds." I stopped scrubbing.

"No. As a matter of fact...I've only had one. Only Lyara, and only once."

"That's still one more than I've ever had. One more than I will have, now. Ah...what-what was it like?" I rolled my eyes.

"Grenn and Pyp asked me the same thing."

"Please tell me, please! I promise I won't say anything!" He seemed more interested now than he had been when he first said those words.

"Well, it was the first time for both of us, so neither Lyara nor I were exactly experienced. It was just over a month ago. I went to confront her about her disguise and deception as Liam, and ended up bedding her instead. Unintentionally, but it was still wonderful." He didn't seem to mind much that I too had broken the rules. Instead he was listening intently.

"Did she dye her hair or it it naturally dark?"

"Natural. It used to be a lot longer, but it's still the same dark brown." Sam smiled shyly.

"I like redheads better, but dark hair's nice too. And her...her, um..." He moved his hands up to his chest and I grinned.

"They're not really that big. Nice and firm, though-with sensitive nipples." At this he did look slightly disappointed. "The rest of her body made up for it, and her energy." Happier now.