A weird one-shot that I thought up of after reading too many fanfics. Enjoy! As always, reviews are to be taken as cookies and I will gobble them up for you so please give me some!

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Hitsugaya was in a bad mood. An extremely bad one, to be exact. It was mostly because of a certain drunk fukutaicho, but the stress of the paperwork and frequent captains' meetings were adding up. Our poor friend was suffering from a common case of overworking.

And on a particularly bad evening, when Hitsugaya had just finished dealing with a dozen imperfect Arrancar in the outskirts of Rukongai, he walked back to his division, hoping for a small hot cup of green tea to soothe his nerves, and a nice long sleep.

What he found instead was a locked door, loud music, and flashing lights at the division.

"MATSUMOTO! OPEN UP DAMMIT!" The door cracked the slightest fraction of an inch, and a red-faced Matsumoto peered out, grinning as she saw the latest newcomer to her impromptu drinking party.

"Ahhhh Taaaiiccchhooo you're herrreeee!" She slurred as the door opened and Hitsugaya rushed in, face grim. He went in so fast that he almost missed the tiny device that Matsumoto shoved in his hand.

"Ano, taicho! Help me take some pictures with this ca-ca-cam-m-me-r-ra thing!" Hitsugaya stared down at the white device with a big silver button.

"Just press on the button to take a picture!"

"And what if I don't, Matsumoto?"

"Then I'll spread rumors about you and-"

"That doesn't work on me, you know." Hitsugaya let out a small sigh of relief as Matsumoto moved on.

"Or I'll make you wear an angel costume around the whole Sereitei for a MONTH." Damn, was she perceptive about her taicho even when she was dead drunk.

Hitsugaya bristled. "Fine, fine I will." He slowly inched his way into the heart of the party. It was apparent that Matsumoto had effectively made everyone there into a drunkard.

As he was walking past the makeshift bar, chock-full of jugs and bottles of expensive sake, Hitsugaya caught sight of a slightly interesting scene. Nanao-fukutaicho, and Shunshui-taicho, who was always flirting with her, were madly making out in the corner. Turning away so that his virgin eyes would not be scarred forever, Hitsugaya aimed and fired. A bright pop of light flashed for a split second, before dimming.

What the hell did Matsumoto do to these people? Hitsugaya stood in the corner, agitated about all the sake cups and bowls on the floor, just itching for something to knock them over. His eyes peeled over the room, slowly roasting as their innocence was stripped away.

In that corner, Renji was dancing around, singing "I'M A RED PINEAPPLE, TALL AND WEIRD. HERE IS MY ZANPAKUTOU, HERE IS MY HEAD. LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" complete with the body gestures. Grimacing, Hitsugaya took a few quick pictures, while planning in his head to invite Renji to sing at Matsumoto's upcoming funeral.

In the opposite corner, he caught Kira passed out, Yachiru happily drawing on his face with permanent marker, courtesy of Ichigo. Yachiru had drawn a very...interesting mustache, and had written the words "FAG" and "DOUCHEBAG" in giant letters all over his face. A few pictures later, and Hitsugaya had moved on.

Behind an elaborately painted screen of Hyourinmaru at its finest, Hitsugaya found Ichigo and Rukia madly locked in a tight lip-lock, a flustered Hanatarou keeping the time besides them. "12:00...12:01...12:02..." Hitsugaya didn't bother staying to see how long they could last; he high-tailed out of there after one measly picture.

It seemed that each scene was more disturbing than the last. For example, seeing Nemu-fukutaicho sitting in the lap of Madarame...while both of them giggled uncontrollably at the 1200'' flat-screen TV that Rukia had made Ichigo bring. Where the hell did he find that thing? My office isn't that big you know...

A sudden shot of bright blue light made Hitsugaya stumble and hit the wall. He inwardly cussed at the blithering idiot, and turned around to see what had caused it.

An extremely dangerous sight awaited him. Hitsugaya saw the three ryoka that had come with Ichigo doing something entirely deranged and out of their mental capacity. Orihime, grinning, pulled Chad to the wall, while Ishida backed up all the way to the opposite wall. Watching through wide eyes, Hitsugaya saw Orihime place an apple delicately in Chad's curly hair, then signaling to Ishida. It seemed like a horror stunt as the drunk Quincy pulled out his bow and a familiar bright light appeared in his hand. Like something out of a horror fairytale, Hitsugaya felt himself paralyzed as the Quincy lifted the bow, and (interjection from Hitsugaya: NOT IN MY OFFICE YOU!) fired. In slow motion. And completely missing Chad altogether, but managing to blow a hole 20 feet wide in the side of the tenth division barracks. Of course, it was picture-worthy, and Hitsugaya moaned as he took them.

The runaway arrow had almost managed to hit a mumbling Yumichika, who was busy making out with a mirror. Hitsugaya skipped over that part altogether, though he knew he had to take at least one idiotic picture for an equally idiotic fukutaicho.

As he slunk around from corner to corner, Hitsugaya also noticed Yamamoto-soutaicho, surrounded by several female Shinigami a couple hundred years his junior. Jaw slackening in disbelief, Hitsugaya saw a few adventurous ones stroke his beard, the source of Yamamoto's pride.

Could this day be any worse? Could it? I don't think so. Turning his head around and around, Hitsugaya saw many, many, many more sights awaiting him. He slowly made his way around the room, taking picture after picture of couples making out, couples kissing, a deconstructive conga line led by Hisagi-fukutaicho...Isane-fukutaicho, Ukitake-taicho, and Iba-fukutaicho playing strip poker...wait. What?

The three said Shinigami were in an intensive battle of luck, will, and of course, sake. Ukutake was doing pretty well, having only been forced to take off his haori, and Iba was keeping up with only his socks and sandals gone, but poor Isane was down to her...erm, how shall we put this? Undergarments...

And then to the stage that had been set up in the middle of the room. The things awaiting Hitsugaya there made him want to scream, cry, and run into his room and kill himself.

Allow me to elaborate for our poor taicho here. The scenes were horrifying, all right.

First there was Unohana-taicho. The normally sane and charismatic taicho had been found doing an extremely sultry, intense, and sweating-your-ass-off tango with -who else?- Kenpachi-taicho. The bells on the tips of Kenpachi's hair jingled merrily as he dipped Unohana in such a suggestive manner that Hitsugaya almost passed out from his overreacting brain.

Then, there was Soi Fon-taicho, doing something that seemed so out of her league, even Hitsugaya was surprised. Hitsugaya didn't even want to know how Matsumoto had found such a tall pole, but she had done it. As you could've guessed, some tipsy taicho was pole dancing, to the "oohs" and "aahs" and wolf-whistles of half of the male Sereitei population. She was, to be honest with you, "really working it," to the point where our little taicho had ditched the camera altogether and was wandering around the room, trying to clear his mind. Unbeknownst to him, a small hand grabbed the camera and started taking pictures.

But, fate was cruel, and the next time Hitsugaya had lifted his head, he was greeted with a sight that would be forever branded in what was left of his brain.

Byakuya-taicho. Dancing to the song "I'm Sexy and I Know It."

His captain's haori thrown to the side, Byakuya had opted for the bare-chest look. As always, three-quarters of the female Sereitei population were screaming as he danced and flew around the stage, gyrating to the strong beats emitting from the boom box in the corner. Then, to the surprise of everyone there, Soi Fon and Byakuya went back to back, shimmying up and down to the rhythm of the music. Halfway through (Hitsugaya had almost passed out by then), Soi Fon grinned and pecked Byakuya on the cheek. An uproar was heard from everyone, including the Soi Fon Fanboys and Byakuya Fangirls.

No one noticed Matsumoto as she subtly switched the song on the boom box. It was now playing "Whip My Hair."

Almost instantaneously, the four taichos on stage literally "whipped out their hair." Byakuya's kenseikan were carelessly flung to the ground, Soi Fon's white ribbons were scattered on a chair, Unohana's hair band was thrown to the side as Kenpachi grabbed his hair and tore out the bells. Then they proceeded to do one of the most bizarre renditions of the song ever seen. Let's just say that Unohana had a hell of a lotta hair, Soi Fon had the longest hair anyone could've imagined, Byakuya looked like he reverted back quite a few years, and Kenpachi looked a whole lot scarier than normal.

Of course, the crowd was enjoying it. And even more so when Yoruichi shunpoed on stage and whipped her hair with them. Urahara just stood at the side, laughing behind his white fan.

Poor Hitsugaya. As he made his way to his salvation (the door) he was stopped by none other then...

"HITSUGAYA-KUN!" Crap, his old friend. Hinamori smiled as she pulled Hitsugaya into a hug, before laughing and spinning in dizzy circles. Concerned, Hitsugaya pulled her into the nearest chair and asked, "How much did Matsumoto give to you?"

"Oh, Rangiku-chan? Not that much...about a small cup, I think." Hinamori's cheeks were flushed pink as she closed her eyes.

"Are you sure?"

"Yep! Hey, do you even know why we're having this party, anyway?"

"Nope. Haven't got a clue. Could you fill me in on it?"

"Shiro-chan...you don't remember?"
"Remember what?"

"Shiro-chan...we defeated Aizen." And Hinamori laughed.

Wasn't she the one that would almost always cry because of him? What changed her that quickly? Hitsugaya decided to ask a stupid question.

"Who's Aizen, Hinamori?"

"Don't tell me you forgot!" Hinamori hmmphed. Hitsugaya prepared for her to launch into a three hour spiel about her former captain.

"Humor me please."

"Aizen's a giant weasel! He was in the outskirts of Rukongai and you and Ichigo killed him!"

"What the heck?"

"It's true!" Hinamori stifled another giggle, before peering into Hitsugaya's eyes. "Are you okay, Shiro-chan?"

Hitsugaya gritted his teeth. So even a small cup can make her this drunk, huh... Tiredly he mumbled, "I'm going back to my room to rest up. See you later, bed-wetter."

"Don't be so mean to me, Shiro-chan! Do you know how much I love you?" Woah woah woah what did she just say? Hitsugaya felt his cheeks flame up, before he ran out of the room. She's just drunk, she's just drunk. Nothing else to it.

Hitsugaya ran out without telling her anything, as he headed straight for his sanctuary. But when he got to his comforting, familiar room, he noticed that it oozed of sake, perfume, and sex. Glumly, he left his room, seeking shelter in the old house that he lived in as a kid. With her...only with her...

This will probably be a two-shot when I get the chance to do it! Please give me stuff, like ...