I'm waiting for you all to kill I'm sorry this is so short ehehehe...

Song:

I'll Drown- Soley

The city has changed.

The place that I lived, that I knew for my entire life is different now, and the skyline is no longer familiar to my aching, sleep deprived eyes. I wonder how it is even possible for me to scratch out a few lines onto the sketchpad, feeling how unfamiliar and wrong it is. Not that the drawing itself is wrong— just that— god, everything is different. Changed. Tony had bought the sketchbook and pencils as a gift; an I'm sorry with a pleading look tied on as the bow. I don't want the charity. I don't want it.

The pencil snaps, and I am frustrated.

Natasha is in and out, forgoing a conversation that will inevitably come between her and Loki. She doesn't want it, and that's the kind of woman she is, avoiding the question with a stern gaze and pursed lips.

I'm not entirely sure about Clint. He is not cold, nor distant, but just unwilling to make an effort. With Loki being in his current state, I wish he'd offer an outstretched hand, something to pull him out of the pit.

Thor is scared. That is all I know for sure.

And Tony— well Tony's being Tony. Not self absorbed, only hyper aware of the fact that if he does not say something kind or reassuring there will be consequences. And in a way, he'd rather stay out of it than risk the problem of screwing everything up. It is his way of being kind.

I hear the door creak open, and I startle myself by almost stabbing the broken pencil into my arm. The impeccably cleaned carpets add a soft cushion to the sound as I drop the sketchpad to the floor and turn just in time to find Loki curled up into a sad little ball on the mattress.

He is clutching the pillow I'd thrown across the room.

—

"Good morning."

"Is it really good?"

I don't answer at first, and then just stare at Tony for a few moments. There's a challenge in his eyes, and when I open my mouth to answer Pepper walks in.

"Good morning."

Tony narrows his eyes and continues to sip his coffee. I am mystified by his behavior.

Pepper arranges her things neatly on the table, and I open up the refrigerator to occupy myself, and also avoid any oncoming inquiries. It is quiet except for the shuffle of papers for a few minutes before I here Tony get up and come to stare into the fridge behind me.

"Looking for something?" I ask maybe a bit too bitterly, but Tony doesn't show any sign of understanding, just reaches over my shoulder to grab for the creamer and makes his way out of the kitchen.

"So how is everything?" Pepper tries but the awkward tension is not diffused.

"Good."

"And Loki?"

"Good as well."

I wish I could say something decent.

Pepper is in a friendly mood this morning, and I am fully aware of her amiable advances. Tony's chilly attitude (which I still cannot explain, he's been fine) doesn't permeate her at all, and I wish I had the hide she does. But then again, she's been dealing with him far longer than I.

"Are you sure?"

The question is posed in a manner in which I have a choice of whether to answer or not, but she has stuck me where I am obligated to. I shut the fridge and sit down across from her to meet my fate.

"You look lovely today, Pepper."

"Please answer Steven, I really need to know."

I purse my lips. "Why?"

"Just tell me."

"He could be better."

The answer is not entirely true, but only for the reason that I don't think he's good at all. It's like the Jotun in him has taken his heart with it, leaving him cold and distant in a barren wasteland of isolation.

Pepper sighs and asks for a cup of coffee.

—

I force myself to slow down, to look at everything clearer. In that time that I was frozen, I missed so much. I hadn't looked hard enough when I was awake, and I now I find myself starved for the urban beauty that once was.

Loki has turned into an absolute mute, and I keep getting dirty looks from Natasha whenever I touch him. Even if it's just a passing brush of the hand, it's like a stinging nettle in the back of Natasha's neck, forcing her gaze to slip over us.

I'm not sure if it's intentional or if she's just being pissy. The women have changed far too much in those years I was asleep.

I can't help myself when Loki crawls into bed another night, except this time he's not chilled to the bone, he's hotter than the damn sun. It feels like he's going to burn out of his skin, and right as I'm about to call for JARVIS to get Bruce, Loki pulls me down in a kiss.

Oh.

Guilt overwhelms me, and I try to tell myself again look harder and don't this slip. Don't speed up.

But it feels as if I've just accidentally hit fast forward instead of pause, and Loki is crawling on top of me, now an absolute mess.

Pause. Pause. Rewind. Just rewind damn it.

His hands graze my jaw, and I pull away. It's like there's an icicle in my chest, and I can feel the guilt burn its way down my throat and into my stomach. There's a memory that's starting to resurface, and Loki looks confused.

Bucky.

Hands slightly smaller than this, pressing against my neck and into my hips. Bucky is quieter than this, and I am suddenly struck with fear. I sit up and pull Loki down to rest in my lap. He looks so confused, and I am terrified of what my face looks like. Have I let him down? What am I doing?

A small puff of a sigh escapes Loki's lips and I watch as he curls back into his ball. He winds himself into me and clutches at my shirt. I can hear the traffic down below, and suddenly remember that yes Loki is new to this world too.

How awful.