A/N I finished reading City of Lost Souls a long time ago, but I'm only posting this now because I honestly forgot about it. In fact, I just found it on my iPod now. But, just like any other Malec fangirl, I was devastated at the end of the book. This is my headcanon about what would have happened had Alec gone straight to the apartment, rather than to find Camille (let's hope he gets out of that situation with Maureen okay). Also, I am on Tumblr now! Most of my posts right now are Thor and Avengers related, but if you want to come over and say hi I'll be glad to follow you and talk with anyone about these wonderful books! My url is jcsviolin. I bet you can figure out what it means.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Mortal Instruments! If I did, these two never would have broken up!

Enjoy!

All I Ever Wanted

Alec's movements felt as if they had been programmed as he made the painful walk back to their, no, not their, Magnus', apartment. It hurt to think of it that way, it made everything seem so permanent, like this was really the end. But it couldn't be the end. Magnus had become his rock, and was the only constant thing in his ever changing life. It was hard to believe that someone who had become so important to him was being ripped away. And Alec was sure the separation would leave a wound that would never heal.

The streets of downtown Brooklyn that normally bustled with life were almost empty today. The sky overhead was a dreary grey and filled with the dark smog of the city. It was odd how the weather often seemed to mock people in their sorrows. As he shuffled along Alec kept his head down, letting his black hair serve as a curtain to hide his tears from the rest of the world. His sniffles were masked by the sound of his booted feet scraping against the concrete sidewalk, and for that he was thankful.

It took him longer than usual to reach their, no, Magnus' apartment. He was in no hurry, he wanted to prolong his departure for as long as possible. He knew leaving meant forfeiting his key, something he had been so proud of. It was like his constant link to Magnus, a reminder that no matter what the circumstance his door was always open. Leaving the key felt like closing that door and locking it so it can never be opened again.

The apartment was dark, empty and cold when he got there. Everything was just as he had left it, but it no longer held the warm, reassuring feeling of home. The photos of him and Magnus on their trip framed on the fireplace mantle seemed to mock him. Their smiling faces seemed to tell him what he ruined. He couldn't look at them without feeling pain.

He left the photographs on the mantle without grabbing any of them. He wanted to leave the pictures for Magnus, to remind him of how happy they were together. He didn't want Magnus to forget him, forget what they once had. He moved past the living room and down the hall to the master bedroom. As he got closer the air smelled more and more like Magnus. Like sandalwood and cinnamon and the burning scent of magic. It hurt his lungs to breathe in the scent. It hurt his heart to remember it. Alec hadn't realised how badly his hands were shaking until he curled his fingers around the doorknob. His hands had never been so unsteady, not even in the most life-threatening of battles.

The door clicked open with a sound that resonated loudly, too loudly, through the apartment, and Alec cringed. The sound made the space feel more empty than it had when he came in, reminding him that after he leaves, Magnus will be all alone, and in turn, Alec will be too. They will no longer have each other. The room looked no different than it had this morning when he left. He could imagine Magnus curled up on his side of the bed, sleeping softly as he had been, or so Alec thought, before he left. Now the room just felt empty. There was evidence that they had been here of course. The rumpled covers, Alec's pyjama bottoms abandoned on the floor, the turned off alarm clock. Now these objects seemed so insignificant. They held no meaning. They did nothing to make the room feel any less somber. He took a step closer to the bed and stroked his hand across the sheets. Of all the things that had changed in Magnus' apartment since they met, the canary yellow sheets had been a constant. Alec liked to think it was because it was on those sheets that they first made love, but right now his mind was too upset to view that as a happy thought. There were so many memories in this bed, but they were too painful to remember at the moment.

There was nothing he wanted more than to curl up in those blankets with Magnus' strong arms curled around his waist, spooned up against Magnus' chest. But he couldn't. Magnus, his Magnus, would never curl his arms around him again, and it was all his fault. Another sob ripped through his chest and clawed at his lungs at the thought. He couldn't help it any longer. Alec dove onto the bed and wrapped himself up in the sheets on Magnus' side. He reached for Magnus' pillow and held it tightly to his chest, clinging to it like a lifeline. It smelled like Magnus, and if Alec squeezed his eyes shut and thought really hard he could almost pretend it was him. The tears streaming from his eyes were making a giant wet spot on the pillowcase but he didn't care. He just wanted his Magnus to come back and say he changed his mind. To come and tell him to stop crying because he was back and this time he was here to stay. Anything to make him feel loved. Anything. His knuckles were turning white from the force he was grabbing at the pillow with, but he didn't feel it. All he felt was the warmth of the blankets and the comforting familiarity of Magnus' scent, and that was enough to soothe him into a deep, dreamless sleep.

When Magnus got back to the apartment it was a little after nine o'clock at night. The streets of downtown Brooklyn were bustling with life but his heart was filled with sadness. Normally Magnus never bothered with glamours but tonight the last thing he wanted was to have to stop and talk to somebody. So he walked unseen down the street and up the stairs to his loft, his eyes downcast and his usual bounce gone out of his step.

The living room was dark and strangely empty feeling, even though after inspection it appeared as though Alec had not taken anything. Not a single picture from the mantle, none of his books on the end tables, not even his jacket from the hook by the door. Had Alec even left?

The lack of keys in the dish on the coffee table confirmed it; Alec either hadn't come by or had not yet left.

Magnus almost turned and left the apartment right then. He would have stormed out and found another place to stay the night if it weren't for the faint noise coming from down the hall. He couldn't quite make out what it was, so he crept closer, being sure to keep quiet.

The door to their, no, his, bedroom was cracked open only slightly, and Magnus could make out the sound of someone breathing softly. Someone sleeping. Alec sleeping. Magnus gently nudged the door open all the way and hesitantly stepped into the room.

The sight he was greeted with made his heart plummet. Alec was lying on the bed, swathed in the canary yellow comforter and desperately clutching at Magnus' pillow. He could tell Alec had been crying. His face was stained with tear tracks and the pillow had a tremendous wet spot just under his closed eyes. The rumpled look of the mattress told Magnus that Alec had been frantic when getting in the bed. He could picture him clawing at the blanket and whimpering his name, calling out to Magnus in one final, desperate plea. His heart throbbed painfully in his chest. He really hadn't wanted to leave him. It may have been hard to believe, but this hurt him just as much, if not more, than it did Alexander. Seeing him lying there, his face so peaceful in his sleep, made it seem as though nothing at all was wrong. But Magnus knew better. He could see the tell-tale signs of distress, the signs that prevented him from crawling into the bed and curling up next to his former lover. No matter how much he wanted, nothing would ever be the same.

As he made to turn away and leave the room a rustle from behind him made Magnus pause.

"Magnus? Wha-..." Alec mumbled sleepily, rubbing at his bleary blue eyes with a closed fist. He seemed to realise where he was and what was going on, and he instantly tensed up. "Magnus, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep! I'm probably the last person you want to see right now, I'll just go. I'm sorry I'm still here. But you don't ever have to see me again, I swear. Please don't be mad at me," he rambled. "I'll go." Alec started to get out of the bed, but something deep in Magnus' heart, something he had no control of, didn't want him to leave just yet.

"Wait," his voice came out as a quavering whisper, he sounded just as he felt, desperate and unsure. A look of confusion flashed across Alec's face at his sudden change of mind. But there was something else there too. An undeniable flare of hope. Hope that he would take him back. It made Magnus think of the words he had said to Alec in the lobby of that apartment building just two weeks ago. What everyone does, like you said. Hope. And yet here he was, about to send Alec out of his apartment and away forever. That would be giving up on everything they had. Everything they had been through. He would be throwing away all of their hope. Magnus didn't want to do that. He couldn't do that. Not with Alec staring at him like a desperate lost puppy.

"Stay." Magnus said with a sigh. His voice still shook and was barely a whisper, but he had never been more sure of anything in his eight hundred years of life.

"But you said..." Alec trailed off, his voice soft and pleading. He really didn't want to deny Magnus, but he needed to be sure that this was what he wanted.

"I know what I said, Alexander. But right now, after I've cleared my head, I know I was wrong to give up on you. On us. So listen to what I'm saying now." He moved to crawl into the bed beside Alec. He saw his lover's shoulders relax and involuntarily lean towards Magnus' chest. "I love you so much, Alec. I was wrong before. We can fix this." They laid there together, arms wrapped around each other and chests pressed together. Both of their faces were shining with tears, although Magnus couldn't remember when he had started crying. Cat like green eyes bore into bottle glass blue ones in a gaze of unmistakably powerful love.

"Please don't leave me," Alec begged. He buried his face into Magnus' neck and inhaled deeply. "You can't leave me again. I don't know what I would do without you."

"Neither do I, darling, neither do I." Magnus conceded.

And they dozed off, tangled together and desperately clutching at one another to remind themselves that yes, this was real, and no, he's not going anywhere. Because their love was too strong a love to shatter over something like this. They both knew they still had things to discuss, and that many more problems would arise in the future, but right now they only had thoughts for each other. In the end, they would always be together, that was all they needed, all they ever wanted, and that thought alone was comforting enough of a thought to send them both into a peaceful sleep.

A/N Did you like it? I wasn't very coherent when I wrote this, so sorry if it doesn't make much sense or isn't very logical. I seriously cried for three hours after reading the epilogue. This was really just to make me feel better. But I have faith that they will get back together in CoHF. Please leave a review! I love getting feedback, it's what makes writing so much fun. Thanks for reading!

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