The Everlasting

Loki loved those nights when silence had fallen over the realm of Asgard, when the minds of its sleeping citizens had flown off to a bright and fantastic place, leaving him, who had always been a foreigner, behind.

He relished the ease and the liberation of his solitude – finally there was space to think – to feel!

The busyness of the court and the noise and the bustling, it set a limit to his thoughts, sensations and introspection. It didn't allow him to dive in and let certain things surface that threatened to unsettle him.

Now he was alone, however, free to close his eyes and breathe. Free to let go.

Also free to enhance his hearing with a spark of magic, allowing him to hear the one sound in the world he didn't think irritating: Thor's breathing was even and deep yet sometimes it hitched a little, sounding suspiciously like a snore.

Loki genuinely didn't know why his brother's breathing calmed him so or how and when he had even picked up this ridiculous habit of listening to it. Perhaps it was its continuity or its monotony. Sometimes he couldn't help suspect that it was reassurance he craved, reassurance that this sound wouldn't ever cease.

Or perhaps he merely wanted to ensure that his idiotic brother wouldn't suddenly knock at his door and disturb his precious time alone.

This was exactly the kind of thought Loki couldn't allow to arise when he was in public; if he was being entirely honest – which was the rarest thing for the trickster – almost everything concerning Thor seemed to throw him off balance.

And that was why he couldn't give in to such musings when someone else was around. Showing any weakness or doubt would undermine his superiority.

Loki was well aware with what suspicion and dissension the people of Asgard met him; his only advantage was his reputation that made everyone think of him as a predominant but untrustworthy, envious, dangerous man – which was a… disputed advantage for a prince to pride himself with.

It was the only way he felt safe, however. Lonely yes, but safe at least. Of course it wasn't the life he'd wished for but it worked. Except for those few things that could still upset him – one of them being Thor.

All of Asgard loathed him in their own special way, were wary around him, mistrusted him, mocked him – except Thor. This loyal, foolish man, who stood beside him no matter what. Who Loki was forced to love no matter what. For all Thor's flaws and follies and times he had wronged him, Loki loved him.

And this was the one thought that effectively threatened to make him fall apart. It wasn't the love, its nature or its consequences - the mere fact that Loki didn't understand, that he was unable to see through this feeling's complexity, drove him insane.

Not the pure love distressed him. It was the mixture of love, envy, good will and awareness of Thor's flaws.

He never allowed himself any weakness, any doubt. Not in public. He wouldn't let them see, he wouldn't grant them the satisfaction of it.

But here and now, as he sat on the windowsill with his feet dangling above the abyss, in his perfect solitude, Loki could face this sensation. Every time he let it happen he did it with hope for improvement and insight – yet it only seemed to become worse and worse.

He concentrated on Thor's breathing again.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

He let his focus slip lower, to his chest. Thump, thump, thump. His heartbeat was steady and slow. Thor was fast asleep.

Thor was a vain, rash, arrogant, imprudent, careless, inconsiderate, naïve fool. But Thor was also everything that was light. He was well-meaning, optimistic, loving, enthusiastic, strong, bright, determined, confident, loyal and brave.

He was all the things Loki couldn't be. He was so many things Loki didn't want to be.

He was no king.

Loki wanted to believe in his brother but he was cursed with enough intelligence to realise that his kingship was destined to be disastrous.

And this led to even more conflict within Loki's troubled mind:

Firstly he didn't want to spend his entire life under Thor's foolish reign, serving as his counsellor but never being heard or respected.

Secondly he didn't want his own abilities to be unappreciated and wasted, nor did he want to see Asgard fall.

And lastly… it hurt him to think of Thor like this - scornfully, mischievously. Because he still loved him. Dearly. Unconditionally.

It was head versus heart. It was what Loki was in company of others versus what surfaced when he was alone.

And what burnt like salt in his wounded mind was this bitter certainty that there was no escape, no peaceful solution.

If Thor became king Loki would perish and vice versa.

Yet lately the trickster had begun to accept that he would never be chosen. Deep down and hidden, forced back into the darkest corners of his mind he had always know.

He was Loki, Trickster, God of Mischief.

He was no king. At least no king of Asgard.

Which left him torn between three possible conclusions: He could leave. He could stay. Or he could rebel.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Loki listened, shutting out everything else – his own breathing, feelings, the whispering of the wind.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

"Brother?" A voice called quietly, rousing Loki from his sleep. He didn't even remember dozing off yet here he was, his shoulders slumped, his eyes closed and his body resting heavily against the window frame. Quickly he blinked his eyes open and twisted to see Thor standing a few feet behind him. He managed to keep calm outwardly while his mind was reeling as he anxiously wondered how anyone could have snuck up on him like this. Yet this wasn't just anyone at all.

"Thor." He said calmly and allowed himself another moment of merely looking at his brother as he stood there, the moonlight illuminating his features, making his eyes shine like blue ice. Then he turned again, his gaze settling onto the city below him once more. The sun hadn't risen yet.

There was a moment of silence and Loki could hear Thor's breathing. Could hear how it hitched a little every time the thunderer wanted to speak but hesitated and dismissed the words before they had a chance to be heard.

"Please come away from there." He eventually said, his voice almost trembling. Loki looked up in surprise and twisted again, his eyes searching Thor's once more.

"You… might fall." His brother offered as explanation as Loki didn't move but merely stared. The trickster's brows rose and he swung his legs onto the windowsill next to him, turning to face Thor who stared back at him, the blue of his eyes tinted with relief, which was soon replaced by another frown, however, as Loki remained sitting, only facing the opposite direction this time.

"I might." Loki agreed quietly with a provocative smirk upon his lips that was meant to hide his confusion and inner turmoil. "What are you doing here, Thor?" He asked, somewhat surprised at the hostility in his voice since the way he felt within was so far from hostile.

"I—" Thor stammered, looking genuinely uneasy. "I had a nightmare."

Loki arched an eyebrow as he stared back at Thor, waiting for him to speak on. He wanted Thor to think that he didn't care … although it wasn't the truth. He knew that his brother's sleep had been haunted by nightmares as a boy but until now he had thought that those times were long gone.

Thor looked away, flustered, and shifted from one foot to the other. "I couldn't go back to sleep so I—, I merely wanted to assure myself that you were all right."

Loki's eyes followed his every move. It was a nice sentiment.

"So please come away from there, Loki." Thor concluded and took a hesitant step toward him.

For a second Loki contemplated mocking him, or even playing an awful prank – letting an illusion fall backwards and out of the window into the abyss, while the real him hid behind the thunderer – but then he realised that Thor was in fact frightened. So he obeyed, for once simply following someone else's orders without any further complaint.

He pushed himself off the ledge, landing on his feet gracefully, his eyes never leaving Thor's.

"Thank you." Thor mumbled and there was no criticism in his voice, just true relief.

A moment of silence followed before Loki stepped closer, tilting his head to the side a little. "What did you dream of?" He asked quietly. Usually his voice would have been derisive and feigning indifference, but the night and the intimacy of it abstracted all mockery and taunt, leaving the words raw and yet soft.

Thor's eyes had been glued to the floor but now flickered to Loki's, and back again to his feet. It was obvious that he was trying to think of an authentic lie – or at least wondering if he should reply truthfully or not.

"You." The thunderer replied eventually, his voice calm and low. And it was so like him to say this, to be so blunt and yet so endearing in his simplicity.

"I am not surprised it was a nightmare, then." Loki retorted, with a raised eyebrow and a faint smirk ghosting over his lips.

A frown appeared between Thor's brows and he looked at his brother with a mixture of curiosity and irritation. "Why aren't you asleep?" He asked.

"I found the night too pleasant and beautiful to let it be over just yet." Loki replied, not exactly lying, although he assumed that Thor was wary toward whatever he said to begin with – he was the trickster after all. He had earned that reputation; in fact he had even worked hard for it.

Thor nodded gravely. It seemed that everything he did had to be of importance and sincerity. The thunderer had never been the quickest thinker but these long, long moments of mere staring were starting to irritate Loki. Then, suddenly, Thor's scowl softened and he looked almost bashful. "May I join you?" He inquired – although his tone was making the words sound suspiciously like a plea.

Loki considered this: part of him was excited at the idea of allowing Thor to stay when he was still so fevered and his emotions so crude. The rest of him, however, reacted defensive. Those soft and vulnerable hours were his own and he wasn't sure if he wanted to share them.

Yet the earnest gaze of his brother made his doubts retreat to the back of his mind and he nodded, just a little but enough to let the other see.

Light-footed as always he jumped back onto the window ledge, teasing Thor by silently inviting him to join him doing something that he obviously didn't approve of. Still only a few moments later Loki could hear him approach and sit down beside him, a brief side-glance told him that Thor was facing the other direction, however. It was an open act of disapproval and maybe even slight rejection but in the end Loki found that he preferred it this way, because despite being close – their shoulders almost touching – there was some distance being kept by this gesture. And he didn't have to look into Thor's eyes, which he so loved but also feared to meet.

"You're upset." A voice said and for a moment Loki wasn't sure if it had been his own – for Thor did seem quite upset himself and hadn't the highest understanding and knowledge of human nature. Still it seemed that it had been Thor who had spoken and Loki was speechless for a moment.

"I can tell." His brother added and their shoulders brushed briefly, although Loki couldn't tell if it had happened wilfully or by accident.

Somewhat irritated by Thor's stubborn conviction he remained silent. What did his daft brother expect him to reply to that anyway? He had always lacked discretion.

"What's wrong?" Oh, and he just wouldn't keep his mouth shut. Well, then Loki would be silent for both of them – but that would be childish… and that was the last thing he wanted to be mistaken for.

"Nothing is wrong, Thor." He lied calmly. It was a just lie for several reasons, one of them being that Loki didn't even quite know himself what exactly troubled him. And even if he did, telling Thor wouldn't make things better in any way – the effect would probably be very much the contrary.

Still, although the lie was just it didn't seem to be very credible for he could hear Thor sigh softly, tiredly, disappointedly.

"What upsets you?" Loki asked to avoid the rather unpleasant feeling that erupted at this terribly loaded sigh.

Thor took a moment to think about the question, and for one awful second Loki feared that he would receive the same answer as the one to his inquiring about the thunderer's dream. But fortunately Thor merely said, "It's of no importance. " and Loki was too relieved to think him childish. Although it was a peculiar answer for the golden prince of Arrogan- Asgard.

"Loki, will you answer me one question?" He asked all of the sudden and Loki hated how it made it obvious that Thor had seen through his earlier lie. Still he nodded and when he realised that his brother couldn't see any of his gestures he said, "Yes."

"Will things turn out well in the end?"

Loki's head rose, his eyes widening as he couldn't help being entirely and utterly perplexed.

Where did this question come from? Thor's musings usually weren't more profound than what was for breakfast. And… why did he think he knew? It flattered him, of course, to think that Thor actually trusted him to know such a thing—but soon Loki realised that it wasn't that. There was no compliment hidden in those words since Thor wasn't talking about general things, no. It meant that the happy ending he was speaking of was dependent on Loki.

Which could be mistaken as a compliment weren't it for the fact that it painfully proved that Thor doubted him. He expected – or at least considered it possible – that Loki would ruin his happy ever after.

And there was no denying it… it hurt.

Loki shut his eyes and took one deep, shaky breath. "Yes, Thor." He replied, failing miserably at keeping the pain out of his voice. "Things will be well for you." And it was no lie.

"For us." Thor corrected quickly, leaning back and twisting a little so he could look into his brother's eyes. "For us." He repeated, his gaze intense and insistent.

There is no us. The words were on Loki's tongue but he managed to swallow them before they could break free. Instead a sad smile formed on his lips and Loki allowed himself to marvel at the blueness of Thor's eyes in silence. Let him believe. It's for the best.

Loki's knew it wasn't true, however. He knew it wasn't for the best. He knew that, in truth, he just couldn't hurt his brother.