Matt's POV:
It's been a long time since anything in my life went as I expected. I suppose I never planned to be anything or anyone to begin with. Maybe that was my problem? Maybe if I had planned my future out like Mello and Near, maybe if I had tried to become L myself, I wouldn't have had to live this pitiful life the way I am now.
Don't mistake me I don't regret following my best friend all this way, not for a second do I blame him for any of this. This was my fault, I was the one who stayed quiet about my needs and wants while Mello chases his dreams. After all if I spoke up maybe he wouldn't have joined the mafia in the first place and then I wouldn't be here all alone in our empty apartment day after day watching security videos and eating Cheetos until my brain shuts down from boredom.
I reach for my game boy slowly.
It's been two weeks since Iv even seen the blond fire ball and I miss him. I know I shouldn't be worried, I can see him on the security cameras half the day after all. It's just that I don't like what he is doing. This is a dangerous, stupid, arrogant thing for Mello to do. He thinks he is invincible i'm sure! The way he struts about the headquarters like a bloody leather clad peacock! One bullet is all it would take to put his dreams and ambitions of beating Near to an end. Mello docent see that though. Mello will never see that.
I pause and let out a sigh, picking up my gun rather then my game.
There are a lot of things my beautiful blond docent see. He docent see how much he hurts me, or how lonely I am. He docent see how much I hate myself and how deep it cuts me when the first time he comes home in weeks he curses me for messing up his security tapes he wouldn't have at all of it wasn't for me. Most of all he docent even have a clue how badly it kills me inside when I have to watch him screw random women in the mafia base just because it is what is expected of him. Heaven forbid he look gay.
I snort softly at the thought. Mello would hit me if I ever said that last part aloud. I was the only one that ever knew the truth, and I promised I'd take that secret to the grave with me.
With any luck, 'the grave' won't be far away and he won't have to worry about his dirty little secret.
I put the gun to my head and take a deep breath. I thought about, you know, moving to the bathroom to blow my head off. I don't really see the point though, it will make just as much mess no matter where I do it. It only matters that all this... This bull shit... It will finally all be over. I won't have to worry about my blond anymore, it's not like he needs me anymore anyway. I won't have to wake up every day hating myself, and fall asleep every night crying as mello fucks some brunet he spent the last few weeks getting STI tests done on so he could drag her to the base and make a big show of his manliness without getting AIDS or something. I don't know why he bothers, if anyone else found out the effort he puts into picking his whores they would laugh him off... Or at least they would laugh until he shot them.
Looking at the screen I can see Mello sitting there coolly against his desk. He won't know... He won't find out for days...
I smile and close my eyes, pausing for a long moment just to go through all my goodbyes in my head. I don't know how long it took me but just as I am about to squeeze the trigger my phone starts buzzing.
Ignore it Matt. It's not important. I tell myself over and over again but I sigh and open my eyes. The screen I was watching before is now fuzzed over with static.
That's weird? It's probably why mellos calling.
With a loud huff of frustration I pick up my phone and flip it open. "hey mello, I know the systems gone down I'll fix it in a se-"
"m-Matt..." the broken, pained sounding voice rings out from the other end of the line. "h-help..."
"mells?" I put the gun down, forgetting about suicide the second I heard mellos voice. "what happened? What's wrong?"
"ehh! " I hear him grunt, and a loud crashing sound before the line cut off and I'm left sitting there wondering what the hell I just heard.
"Mello! Mello hang on!" I scream at the phone and get up off the lounge, grabbing my keys on the way out the door.
There's a lot of things Mello docent see, how close I came to ending my life today is just one of them.