A/N: Hey Guys! Chapter 20! Oh my god, i didn't realize it was already this long!
Thanks for all your support! And i am really considering some of your ideas for One-Shots! Should come soon!
I have the feeling the story is getting real...so i'm gonna let you read and enjoy! R&R!
Okay. How the hell am I doing this ?
Should I tell her that it's necessary, otherwise the whole situation would just explode right in our faces…and bam, the end. I'd have to leave Lima…her. Maybe that would get her to understand?
Ah, who am I kidding? The girl is like a ticking bomb, she is going to explode in my face when I tell her. Besides, I don't want her to think I'm taking a bullet for us. Damn, I'm still his girlfriend. Being someone's girlfriend means doing this stuff. It's like…normal. Of course our situation is not quite the normal one, but still.
What should I do then? If I don't do anything, Esteban will eventually understand what's happening and just throw me out, he'll be hurt, Santana will be hurt…I'll be hurt. Not a good plan. Should I just tell Esteban that I'm helplessly attracted to his dear little sister, maybe even falling for her…He'll just kill me. A) because I'm supposed to be his girlfriend, and B) because it's his little Santanita we're talking about. He'll hate me. Nope.
There's only one way out. Keep on with the lie. If we're good enough we could manage to maybe not hurt everybody.
Brittany's brain was working at a hundred percent capacity. She was in the kitchen trying to hide from the rest of the people, barely succeeding. She was going into overdrive, this was horrible. She just didn't know what to do. She didn't want to lose Santana, not with everything that was happening, she had this strange feeling that it could be something real, something strong. But it was so damn complicated.
The only way for her to keep on with Santana, was to blatantly lie to Esteban. And that was hard. And wrong. She knew it was. And she also knew that in the end everybody would get hurt anyway, that was for sure. Who were they kidding?
But it felt so damn soon for everything to collapse. The blonde had this feeling that maybe with time, the decision would be easier, she and Santana would know better what was happening. She didn't want to lose the opportunity to discover more of Santana, to spend more time with her.
And if this meant lying, then lie she would.
Brittany had made up her mind. That was it. And with all the strength she could find, and a little liquid courage, she decided she had to find Santana, talk to her, and convince her.
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Santana felt as if she was having a heart attack. She felt light headed, had trouble breathing, and could feel her whole body shaking.
She had never felt so scared of someone discovering something about her like that in her life. And, oh my, it was stressful.
The brunette, after running away from the conversation with her brother, had run to pour herself a drink of something a lot stronger than beer. Tequila didn't taste that bad, after all. Feeling the alcohol burning on the way in, and feeling a heat wave spread through her, the Latina decided that fresh air was definitely necessary.
Once outside, just sitting on the porch, head in her hands, she tried to process the whole thing.
Why the fuck did Esteban had to be so freaking smart all the time?!
It had always been like that, he was able to put two and two together faster than anybody. And now that she thought about it, there was no way in hell he hadn't noticed all the staring, leering and little puns always going on between Brittany and her. Damn.
What was going to happen now? It was impossible for them to keep going on like that, it was just too obvious. And now Esteban had suspicions, he would look into their relation a lot more.
Santana could feel the tears threatening to fall from her dark eyes. She didn't know what caused them though…was it Esteban figuring everything out? Was it because she felt guilty? Because she didn't want anybody to know that she might be into girls? Because she didn't want to have to stop being with Brittany? Because of it all?
The brunette was breathing heavily and biting her lip to keep from falling apart.
When she heard the door behind her open, and music blasting from inside, she didn't turn to see who it was, not wanting anyone to bother her, she'd cry for sure if she tried to talk.
The music was muffled again meaning the door was closed again.
"I have been looking for you." Santana recognized the voice immediately, it was soft and gentle. She smiled, and gathered all her strength to not cry, and turn around.
Quinn was standing there, her hair a little messy, but she looked like she was having or had a lot of fun.
"Hey" Whispered Santana. That's all I have now.
"Are you okay?" Quinn asked, noticing there was something wrong with her best friend.
Santana bit her lip harder, knitting her eyebrows together and shaking her head no, not being able to hold back any longer.
"No" She said, voice breaking and hands coming to hide her face.
Quinn quickly sat down beside her friend and wrapped her in a tight embrace.
"Shhh San, it's going to be okay. Shhh" The young blonde tried to sooth her friend.
Santana finally let go, and cried softly in her friend's arms.
Once the worse had passed and Santana had cried all her tears, she felt as if she had relieved an enormous stress. It felt good. Now the Latina had the sensation she could focus more.
"What happened?" Quinn dared to ask, when she felt her friend calm down.
The brunette cleared her throat and proceeded to softly explain everything to her best friend. She knew she would understand, after what she had seen, Quinn wasn't all that against the gay love.
Quinn listened intently, nodding her head once in a while.
When Santana came to the last part of her story, with Esteban's questions, Quinn's eyes went wide. The cheerleader understood now why Santana was so worried, and stressed. It sure seemed complicated, and she could see her brunette best friend really liked Brittany…
"Okay…" Quinn said in a breath.
"Yeah…" Santana replied with a smile, drying her tears.
The Latina really wasn't expecting Quinn to come with an answer to all her problems, but it had felt so good to just share her feelings and her thoughts, she didn't feel alone anymore. The brunette knew she would have to deal with all this, she'd have to talk to Brittany…maybe she'd know what to do.
Both girls sat outside the house for a while, in a comfortable silence. Santana took a deep breath, she was feeling better by the second. And suddenly it came back to her. I have to ask.
"So…now I've revealed all my dirty secrets…will you share yours?" The brunette asked in a surprisingly playful tone.
Quinn snorted and blushed, remembering what had happened with Rachel.
"I really don't want to bother you…" Quinn tried to escape the question by concern.
Santana chuckled.
"Oh no please. Make me feel better. Please?" The brunette teased. And Quinn blushed even more.
"Well…we..uh…I mean…" Damn that was hard. Quinn couldn't find her words; she was stuttering and felt so nervous.
Once again, Quinn's shyness made Santana laugh, and forget for a while about her problems.
"How about I tell you where I left on? And you'll just tell me what happened next?" The Latina was determined to make her friend comfortable and share her burden.
Quinn nodded ever so slightly, now blushing at the fact that Santana had seen them.
"Alright…well you and Rachel were dry humping on the dance floor." Santana blurted out, as if it was the most normal thing to say.
Quinn's mouth fell and her eyes grew wide.
"We were not!" She exclaimed, and that made Santana burst out laughing.
"Yes you were! Come on I don't care! What happened next?" The brunette urged.
"Well, we kept on dancing for a while." Quinn said insisting on the word dancing. And glaring at Santana before continuing.
"And…she asked if I wanted a drink, because she was thirsty. So we went to the bar, and we talked for a while. She's really nice you know? She goes to NYADA, and apparently is an amazing singer…" Quinn started explaining Santana everything Rachel said, before she was interrupted.
"Quinn I don't care, Rachel could be the next freaking Celine Dion, I'd still want to know if she got you to sing." Santana fired, startling her friend.
"God, you perv." Quinn replied and the brunette shrugged.
"Okay…so she started being a little touchy feely, you know…and then she said she couldn't hear me above the music so we went to the kitchen" Quinn continued, feeling shivers up and down her spin.
Beside her, Santana was grinning and waiting for the blonde to continue.
"Then we talked for a while in the kitchen, and we kissed." Quinn deadpanned and found a sudden interest on the floor.
"What kind of kiss? Tongue?" Santana insisted making Quinn turn bright red.
"Yes! God!" Quinn almost shouted.
"Alriiiight, calm dooown! I'm curious." The Latina tried to justify herself while laughing at her friend's antiques.
"So…after that she…well hands started roaming…and it got pretty heated.." The blonde cheerleader explained, still leaving Santana wanting for more.
"How heated?" The brunette asked raising her eyebrows playfully at her friend.
"Heated…I've never…She…GOD!" Quinn exclaimed frustrated by her own behavior. Santana laughed out loud and put a hand on her friend's shoulder.
"It's alright Q…you can tell me if she fucked your brains out in my kitchen" Santana once again teased.
"No, she didn't." Quinn replied simply. And Santana waited for her to continue.
"We did get to second base though…and we make out a lot." Quinn finally said.
"That's great! So you like her?" Santana asked, now intrigued by what this meant.
"Well…I think she's really beautiful and nice…"
"You want to see her again?" The brunette was trying to help her friend figure out her feelings.
"Actually we thought…" Quinn started replying but was cut short by loud music erupting from inside as the door was once again opened.
That startled both girls who turned around quickly.
And Santana's breath caught in her throat. There was standing Brittany. She had a worried look, and she was breathing rapidly. Seeing her made Santana remember why she was outside in the first place.
"Santana…I ..can I talk to you?" Brittany asked in an uneven voice, quickly shooting a glance towards Quinn. Indicating she wanted to talk to Santana privately.
Quinn quickly understood and stood up, adjusting her clothes she started going back inside.
"I'll leave you too alone" The young blonde said nicely, and Brittany smiled at her, grateful.
Santana didn't say a word. She just watched as Quinn disappeared behind the door, and Brittany sit down next to her. Closer than Quinn had been sitting.
"Hey" Brittany whispered.
The latina was looking directly into the blonde's eyes, when she breathed a 'hey' barely audible.
Brittany decided she would just cut to the chase, the brunette looked hurt and confused and sad…and it was tearing her apart, she wanted to hug her and tell her everything was going to be alright.
"I…I heard about Esteban."Brittany said, setting things straight, so that Santana knew what to expect.
The Latina just nodded, and diverted her gaze to look at the floor.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that alone." Brittany whispered, her voice so soft. Out of all the things she thought Brittany would say, Santana hadn't expected that one. She smiled at the older girl's consideration.
"You couldn't have done anything." Santana finally talked, and Brittany let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.
Suddenly, seeing Santana hurt and scared like that, made Brittany reconsider everything she had thought about. Maybe Santana didn't want them to lie, maybe she wanted to stop everything and never see her again. The thought alone made her shiver.
"We'll just stop everything. Avoid being around each other. And just…act like friends." The blonde blurted out, not even thinking about she was saying but wanting to ease Santana's pain so bad.
The brunette's face turned in a second, and blue eyes met black panicked ones.
"No! Why? " Santana exclaimed.
"I…I just thought…" The dancer started explained, but the Latina didn't let her.
"No! I got scared, yes. I don't want to hurt him. But I don't want to lose you…I can't." Santana said shaking her head.
Brittany did the only thing she thought, and wrapped her arms around Santana, holding her so close. The brunette buried her face in the crook of the blonde's neck, inhaling her scent.
"You won't lose me." Brittany stated confidently.
The brunette snorted.
"Yeah…and how exactly?" The latina asked, raising her head from the safety of Brittany's neck.
"I..have an idea?" The blonde replied, her hand coming behind her neck, showing nerves.
Santana's eyes once again met Brittany's intently. The brunette nodded, indicated to the older girl she was ready to hear her idea.
"Well…Esteban is having suspicions because I've been..kind of evasive with him." The blonde started explaining, making Santana knit her eyebrows, listening.
"I haven't shown him a lot of…affections. I've been hanging out with Rachel, and you…and I haven't really been with him." Brittany tried to explain as smoothly as possible, fearing the moment in which Santana would get the picture.
"So I thought…that maybe, if I spent a little time with him, and reassure him about my feeling and all… Maybe he'd be more confident about our relationship and he wouldn't focus so much on how I treat you." The older girl concluded…hoping Santana had understood.
"I don't understand." The brunette said simply, eyebrows still knitted.
Well shoot, Brittany thought.
Santana's eyes never left Brittany's. And her gaze was so intense. Don't look at me like that, it's hard enough.
"I should maybe….be her girlfriend a little." Brittany all but suggested, her voice coming more as a hushed question.
Santana's eyes left Brittany's to come back just as quickly, but with an eyebrow quirked and mouth slightly agape. Okay, now she got it. Here we go.
"You mean you want to have sex with him?" Santana snapped.
It was Brittany's turn to be shocked.
"No! I didn't say I wanted to! I mean…I just…" Brittany tried but failed miserably to explain.
"But that's the idea?" The brunette clarified.
There was a moment of silence, the seconds felt like hours, as Brittany didn't answer.
Eventually, the blonde's eyes fell and she whispered a shy 'yes'.
Santana started to stand up, clearly angry, but she was stopped by Brittany, who grabbed her arm and forced her back down, sitting next to her.
"Listen to me." The blonde said this time more forcefully, trying to make a point.
"I just think it'll help if I do. I tell you…he's just concerned because I haven't been much of a girlfriend these days." The dancer kept on explaining.
But Santana yanked or arm out of her grasp, and shot her an angry glare.
"And the only way to be his girlfriend is to spread you fucking legs?" The Latina spat in the blonde's face.
Brittany was angry too now, she was making this so damn difficult.
"Not just that! But be with him, talk to him.." Brittany continued, trying to keep her calm.
"Tell him you love him?" The brunette fired back.
"Stop it Santana. What do you want from me?" Brittany said, now her voice stronger, and louder.
"It's fucking over if I don't do anything!" The blonde insisted, annoyed.
Realization seemed to hit Santana. In a way she knew Brittany was right…but she couldn't accept it.
"But…" The Latina tried, but her voice caught in her throat. The blonde didn't help her, she wanted to know what Santana really thought, so she'd wait.
The brunette sighed, defeated.
"I can't stand the thought" Santana finally let out.
Brittany smiled soflty at the young girl's confession. The blonde's hand came to caress Santana's cheek, and then inch her head higher so she could look at her.
"Hey…" Brittany whispered, and looked deep in the Latina's eyes.
She saw fear, pain, confusion, sadness and love. So, much love.
The blonde felt overwhelmed, and before she had the time to even think about it, kissed Santana with everything she had.
The brunette gasped at the feeling of soft lips against hers, but quickly kissed back. The kiss soon deepened, both girls putting all their unvoiced feelings. Brittany whimpered when she felt Santana's tongue caressing hers, and her hands behind her head, pulling her more into the kiss.
When their mouth parted, in need of air, their foreheads rested together. Both girls felt as if all their feelings were out now. Santana had never been kissed with that much passion and care. And Brittany had never had the sensation she was putting her heart into a kiss.
"I don't want you to do this" The brunette clarified soflty.
"I know" Brittany replied smiling soflty.
"Can I ask for something though?" The Latina inquired and the blonde nodded. Anything.
"Could you…could he…not touch you too much?" Santana eventually voiced, and instantly blushed. Lame.
"What?" Brittany asked, eyebrows knitted.
"I…do whatever you want to him…just…" Santana was struggling with her thoughts. She wanted to say so much, to explain that she didn't want to have to think about Brittany naked on a bed with her brother having her way with her…not when she felt that way for her. She didn't want her brother to love her, to have her.
"Don't let him…caress you…Hum…your body…I…" The brunette's gaze was set on her hands, shifting uncomfortably.
Brittany had understood what the young girl meant from the beginning, but she found it adorable how Santana really wanted her to get the message.
"Okay" The blonde finally whispered, saving Santana from further explanations.
The brunette sighed.
Brittany decided there was no use in letting time pass.
"Alright…then I'll see you …hum…tomorrow?" Brittany said, indicating she was going back inside, to find Esteban.
"What? You're going to do that like…now?" Santana aksed quickly.
"Well..i thought…to sooner the better…" The blonde explained.
"Hum…no..yeah, you're right." The Latina replied, and sighed again, talking about it was one thing, having it happening…another.
"Okay…"Brittany said softly, and started to head back inside.
Once Santana was left sitting alone outside, she tried to convince herself that it was a good thing, the only way for them to keep on…exploring…whatever relationship they were building.
I need a drink.
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Brittany quickly found Esteban, and after having flirted with him, touched him more than necessary, she finally kept on with the plan.
"How about we go upstairs? I want to spend some time with you…just you." The blonde whispered in the boy's ear.
That made Esteban the happiest man alive, he was beginning to think Brittany wasn't happy with him anymore. It was her birthday and she hadn't even spent a second with him at the party. And the days before…well she was with Rachel.
"Sure babe…"
Both went upstairs, and even though Brittany would have preferred to just talk to Esteban about feelings and then have sex with him, not participating too much…she knew if she wanted to keep her word to Santana, she'd have to do all the work. In reality, it was even better for Esteban to feel good, and loved…but harder for her. She would do it though, for her.
The blonde doesn't know how many time has passed, she's exhausted though, emotionally and physically.
Her and Esteban talked about everything, and then had sex, and talked more. She quickly realized how left over he felt, and that he really had needed to spend time with her. She had enjoyed the conversation, the talks…Esteban really was a nice guy, and she liked him. She felt so, so bad.
Sick. Sick for being so mean. She felt so guilty, naked in the bed, next to a peacefully sleeping Esteban.
Suddenly she couldn't stand it anymore, and shot out of bed putting on her clothes and running to the bathroom.
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Santana was in the bathroom, trying not to throw up. She had drunk a lot of shots in a short amount of time, and now felt so sick. She didn't know if it was only from the shots, or also from knowing that Brittany was with Esteban.
That made her sober up a little and she shivered.
As she sighed, the door shot open.
Brittany appeared in a tank top and panties, clearly with no bra. The blonde gasped when she saw the Brunette.
Santana had to concentrate not to look at the dancer's body, but the alcohol didn't help. So she stared, and even though she thought Brittany was just sexy as ever, she couldn't help but feel angry and sad…torn. If Brittany was in this state of undress, it meant she had indeed slept with Esteban.
The Latina's eyes narrowed.
"Did you enjoy it?" Santana heard herself ask.
The question made Brittany cringe, she hadn't expected that. And it kind of hurt, they had talked and agreed about this. She felt bad enough.
"What do you think?" Brittany fired back, tired of fighting.
Santana let her eyes roam over the blonde's body, her long toned legs, her perfectly flat stomach and her breasts…damn her breasts. Her nipples were poking through her thin shirt, and Santana could feel her arousal building by just watching the other girl. She was dying to touch her.
When no reply came, Brittany sighed, and approached the sink, to wash her hands and her teeth. Santana was with her back to the mirror, resting against the bathroom stall, just beside Brittany.
"Tell me…did you come?" The brunette asked in a whisper.
She knew she shouldn't be asking that question. An 'are you okay?' would have been great. She also knew that Brittany must feel bad…but the only question that she really wanted to ask was that one.
Brittany snorted, she couldn't believe what she was hearing. She had fucking spent I don't know how many time with Esteban trying to save whatever thing was happening with Santana… She had felt bad, like garbage for treating the boy like that, and the Latina was only interested in one thing.
"Why do you ask, Santana?" The blonde was truly intrigued. Why did the young girl wanted to know if she had gotten off or not. That was certainly not the point of the evening.
"Just tell me…please." Santana asked, her eyes closed. She gripped the edge of the stall harder. She needed to know.
Brittany had her hands under the water, washing them thoroughly when she let out a faint whisper and Santana was able to hear the soft " No" that came with it.
The brunette didn't know if she should feel bad or not. For some wicked reason, she felt better, knowing that Brittany wasn't able to reach climax…but at the same time she knew it was pretty normal she didn't.
When Brittany admitted she didn't come, it sent a wave of emotion through her body. She suddenly remembered all the sweet things Esteban had told her, and how she had really tried to enjoy it, but just couldn't. The brunette would never leave her mind, it had been so hard not to run away.
Santana noticed the blonde shaking. So she turned around, stopped the water and took Brittany's shaking hands in hers.
"Are you alright?" The Latina finally asked, and the answer came rapidly when Brittany launched herself at her and kissed her passionately.
When Santana didn't kiss back, because she was caught by surprise and didn't know what to think about the whole situation, Brittany pressed their bodies together, making the brunette gasp.
"Kiss me…please." Brittany pleaded, and Santana obliged. She kissed her with all her might showing her all the things she couldn't tell her.
That she was there, and that everything was going to be okay.
A/N: Woooooooo, it just feels so real!
I'm struggling a lot with writing Esteban, i feel so bad for him. Like really. It's awful. But i need it for the sake of the story...so yeah, forgive me.
I'm planning a big love making scene in the next chapters ... and also some other sexy times!
Any suggestions, comments, thoughts? Tell me, don't be shy!
I'm off to bed!
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