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The Adventures of Space Pirate Commander Shepard

Chapter 5

Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log, stardate 2186.

I have now been banned from drinking ryncol on board the Normandy. Unfortunately, it's by the one person I would never disobey: the supremely evil, liquor-snatching, tyrannical…

I have a shotgun.

…wonderfully lovely, ever-so-kind, light of my heart woman whom I love with all my being.

Damn, those weren't very piratical words, were they? Space Pirate EDI! Delete this log, I'm going to start over!

I'm sorry Space Pirate Commander Shepard, I cannot comply.

But! Wha…Oh the hell with it… Space Pirate Joker! Set course for Illium!

End Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log

Illium, Eternity Bar and Lounge

"Butthey don' fear me! Some Space Pira' I turn'd out ta be…"

Shepard was sitting by himself at the bar in Eternity. The bartender, Matriarch Aethyta had already served him a number of drinks, the last six of which had been smoking mugs of ryncol. EDI was monitoring and conversing with him, causing a number of patrons to give him odd looks, as the AI was talking into his headset and not out loud, "That is not entirely true, Shepard. You're last raid was very successful, up until Councilor Anderson's interference."

"Yeah, but…it wastoo easy! 'Clipse mercs blow krogan balls. Big ones! All four of 'em! What'm'I s'posed to do now?"

"There are many opportunities for Space Piracy in the galaxy, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

Draining his mug and signaling for another, Shepard began scratching his head in deep thought, "I could…I could… I'got it! I'mma steal Christmas! Evry'one love Chris'mas!"

"I am sorry, Space Pirate Commander Shepard, Christmas is impossible to steal. A number of thieves have attempted to do so over the years, including Space Pirate Kasumi and her former associate, Honorary Space Pirate Keiichi. The most successful Christmas-thief to date has been an enigmatic man known only as 'The Grinch.' While successful, he was subsequently infected by the Christmas Spirit and immediately returned Christmas to the galaxy."

His shoulders slumped. There went that brilliant idea, "Fuckin' Grinch…stealin' Chris'mas..."

"Indeed, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

Bloody killjoy, she never let him do anything fun, "So wha' can I do? You don' let me kill peoples…an'…an'…the hanar're fuckin' weird…an'…"

"I have audio logs recording Space Pirate Jack as she describes her former pirate life. At the time, she indicated that people could be captured and ransomed, but that it was always easier to just kill the crew. Given the general level of insanity and low odds most of your plans tend to have, perhaps it would in fact prove easier to capture and ransom someone."

Oh, that had some potential. Okay, so who had money? "Whaddabout a vid star? Those've always got money. Like Blasto! Wait! Scratch tha', not like Blasto…Space Pira' EDI! Gimme a list of vids that make a lottof credits. 'Cept if they got fuckin' hanar in 'em…"

"Acknowledged, Space Pirate Commander Shepard, forwarding the top ten grossing vids of the last year to your omni-tool."

Seeing his omni-tool light up, he finished the mug and signaled for another before opening up the file he'd been sent, "Okay, lessee here…'All Out Quarian Cock Assault?' 'Elcor Spank Inferno?' 'Fleet and Flotilla II: The Dark Side of Duty?' Space Pira' EDI! These're all porn."

"That is not entirely correct, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. Please keep reading."

Matriarch Aethyta looked strangely intrigued by his statements, and Shepard didn't want to think too deeply on that one, "'Kay...lessee. 'Beyond Azure: an Asari Love Story.' Nope. 'Citadong 3 (with Councilor on Councilor Action)'. No. 'Cloaca Hunters 26'. Huh, didn' think salarians wou-stop don' think abou' it… 'The Krogan Reballion: Galactic Gangbangers!' No thanks. 'Fornax's All-Anal Platinum Fuck-o-Rama'…Aha! Entry nine, 'Serenity, the Intergalactic Remake Edition'. Tha's a good vid! Awes-wait…Space Pira' EDI, please tell me this las' entry isn' really 'Cockmander Shepard Bangs Saren, the Rogue Asspectre'…"

"Very well, Space Pirate Cockmander Shepard. The last entry is not 'Cockmander Shepard Bangs Saren, the Rogue Asspectre.'"

Oh those sons of bitches. That's it, everybody died. Everyone. "Yer lyin' to me, aren' you?"

"Yes, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. Yes I am."

Sighing to himself, Shepard's anger abated. Who was he kidding, even if he could (and let's face it, when it came to killing things, he was damn good) EDI and the others would never let him just go off on a killing spree."Fuck this…I give up. I'mma failure."

"Do not despair, Space Pirate Commander Shepard, at least you are not the Failman."

Huh? "Th' Failman?"

"I have been accessing video feeds of the bar. Please look to your seven o'clock, nine point three meters away."

Discreetly, Shepard turned his head and glanced around. There sitting a ways away was a man in black N7 armor, calmly attempting to drink his beverage. "Attempting" was the operative word, as the man kept gagging and choking on every sip. Unfortunately for him, Shepard recognized both the man and the mug of ryncol, and knew that Conrad Verner's night would not be a pleasant one. Not everybody had his artificially enhanced liver and alcohol tolerance. "Conrad Fuckin' Verner. Didn' I shoot him here? Wha's he doin' back?"

"He appears to be attempting to stalk you once more. It is ironic, in fact, that he consistently brings the fail without fail."

Oh boy, "You've been surfin' th' extranet again haven' you? Bad Space Pira' EDI."

"I apologize, Space Pirate Commander Shepard, but without my fix, I am likely to go insane and simply kill you all."

Shepard peered into his empty glass, wondering if he'd really heard that, "Space Pirate EDI? S'that a joke?"

"Of course, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

Meanwhile, a group of Eclipse Mercenaries had walked in, about twelve of them, and the lead one, an Asari in heavy combat gear strode over behind Shepard and tapped him on the shoulder, "I heard what you said about my sisters and I. Care to back up your words, fool?"

Shepard spun about and took in the dozen yellow-armored mercs trying and failing to look scary, "Fuckin' 'Clipse! You got wha' ten? Twelve o' you? Don't make me laugh, I'm Space Pirate Commander Fucking Shepard. Come back when you've gotta decen' challenge. An' by decen' I mean at least eighty o' ninety of you."

Apparently, however, a few of the other patrons had heard his boast as well, and walked over to join the mercs, hoping to get a chance to shut the upstart human up. A few turians and salarians, along with one truly humongous elcor joined the gang. It was now Shepard against twenty two mercs and bar-goers.

The lead asari, clearly pissed off, pulled the Claymore off her back, beginning to unfold it. Before the weapon was ready, Shepard grabbed it and forced it upwards, slamming it into her face and removing it from her grasp. Spinning it and grabbing the grip, he let it fully unfold and then fired point blank at the recovering asari's face, spreading all sorts of bits and blood around.

With her Claymore in his left hand, Shepard unslung his own Claymore in his right and went to work, opening fire on the nearest two mercs. Rushing up, he caught the guns on a turian's body, using his light armor to cock them and incidentally breaking the fool's neck. Continuing on, it wasn't long before he had to reload once more. Unfortunately, fate intervened.

The elcor charged him and Shepard, sans armed weapons, reacted without thinking; he immediately slammed his head into the giant's face the moment he was close enough. The force of the impact was strong enough to immediately kill the elcor, sending his body straight into the ground and splaying his limbs.

Discarding the asari's shotgun, Shepard switched hands and drew his Revenant, once more beginning to mow his way through the mercs. His shields flared as one of the salarians fired a missile at him. As the cloud of ash faded, Shepard simply turned and glared at the thin merc, and began running at him. The merc was frightened enough to throw the missile launcher away and try to surrender. Unfortunately for him, he threw the launcher in Shepard's direction, and the space pirate proceeded to hitch his shotgun and fluidly catch the missile launcher mid run. Quickly cocking it, he reached the salarian and bodily grabbed him continuing his run towards the open air balcony behind the merc. He screeched to a halt and in the same motion threw the screaming salarian off the balcony, firing after him with the missile launcher and turning him into a screaming exploding flying salarian.

Turning back around, he looked at the remainder of the enemies arrayed against him. A few of the civilians had run away, those who weren't armed or armored, but a few had stayed, taking cover. Several eclipse were still present as well, firing upon him to no avail. Shepard could see the look of fear in their eyes as he gazed about him, and it felt good. Finally! Finally people feared him. With missile launcher in one hand and Revenant in the other, Shepard just grinned widely and dove back into the fray…

Shepard woke up in his cabin on the Normandy. He'd apparently managed to make his way back with no injuries, and he remembered something had happened, but couldn't quite put his finger on it. And there was a funny taste in his mouth, which never bode well.

Looking down, he realized that while he had made it to the bed, he had neglected to remove his armor, which was completely and utterly bathed in a variety of blood colors. Great, another fun night, then. That's right! There had been a fight! At a bar. And fear! There had been fear on someone's face! That was good.

Getting up, he proceeded to remove and clean the armor, giving a sorry glance at the bed, which was also soaked in the blood of his enemies. He probably wouldn't be able to convince Tali to sleep up here if he kept it, would he. Damn, the things a Space Pirate does for love.

So there had been fear, and killing. Those were good things for there to be, and he was on Illium. That probably meant…Eternity. Yes, that sounded right. Getting dressed in his fatigues, he walked out to the elevator, intent on getting some answers as to what exactly had happened the previous night. Proudly, he glanced downwards at the overt trail of blood that led from the elevator to his bunk.

Upon reaching the CIC, Shepard immediately went over to his private terminal while requesting an update from Kelly.

"Nothing of note today, Sir. We remain docked at Illium as per your orders."

"And has anything come up on the news regarding last night?"

"I…um…Space Pirate EDI, do you want to answer this one?"

"Very well, Space Pirate Ensign Chambers. Yes, there were several news reports regarding your activities last night, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. However, I would caution you not to read them."

"Space Pirate EDI, I just spent an hour getting approximately two quarts of blood of varying types out of my armor and weapons. More importantly, I remember both killing and fear last night. This is exactly what I've been trying to do, let's see how it went, alright?"

"Very well, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

He turned back to the console in front of him, and brought up a request for the latest local planetary news. The console responded, but to his utmost horror, Illium Daily's newest and boldest headline read as follows, "The New Face of Terror! Dread Space Pirate Conrad Verner Escapes Authorities after Killing Spree!"

Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log, stardate 2186.

Space Pirate EDI has informed me that as Conrad Fuckin' Verner is mentally unarmed, I am not allowed to kill him. I argued that being a crazy stalker-fan, and therefore evil, would force me as a Paragon to kill him.

She did not dignify my argument with a response. I assume she is computing, and that I am therefore winning. So the next time I run into him, I will be capturing him, disguising him as a turian, and dropping him off on Tuchanka.

Regardless, some of the previous night has come back to me, and I remember discussing various ways to properly instill fear in the galaxy.

And a lot of porn, come to think of it…

Anyway, I believe our next raid will be a kidnapping and ransom attempt. Space Pirate Jack has suggested targeting any of the various nobles or executives around the galaxy, as their supporters will have credits and wish them returned. It is a good suggestion, and I will begin my search.

On a sidenote, I believe I will have to ask Honorary Space Pirate King Wrex if he's ever head-butted an elcor to death. Though knowing him, he'll probably just laugh and say he's head-butted a thresher maw to death. And I admit I may believe him.

End Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log

Author's Notes: Okay, this was a little different, more language and a little faster paced. I know that I have trouble writing in styles other than the main one I'm used to, and that one is a little dry and clinical. So, I tried to change it up a bit under the excuse that Shepard is practically blind drunk for the majority of this chapter. Let me know what you think? Should I keep trying my hand at this and my earlier and other styles, or should I solely stick with my earlier style.

Everybody, thanks for reading! Special thanks to Utuu, Alex T. Wallman (again, awesome!), and Mangled Muffin for reviewing. You guys rock!