One Piece: Strawhat Theater

"Cat Split Luff"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

Set after the time skip...

Nami sighed as she stared out at the sea from the side of the little Marine sloop they'd called home for the last few weeks. They consisting of herself and Luffy. Said idiot captain was lying next to her, snoozing away, an arm wrapped around her waist. She smiled softly down at his gentle features. In sleep he may have snored but he was so peaceful and relaxed... And quiet.

She spared him a kiss on the cheek, and went back to her silent vigil. He groaned a bit and tightened his grip on her waist. She giggled a bit and stroked his hair.

It was a mistake from the start, but that had never stopped them before. A massive derelict Marine vessel, just floating out in the middle of the Grand Line. They had been low on supplies, so in addition to Luffy's declaration of 'derelict ships being cool' they'd boarded it. Sure, it wasn't exactly a ghost ship but that it had survived the Grand Line just indicated that the Marines had built it to keep it from being broken into.

From the horrifying contents of the ship, though, they soon came to the conclusion that it had been built so strong to keep anything from breaking out.

"Fweeheeheeheehee!" Cackled the maniacal man in the Marine vice-admiral coat, hundreds of hideously deformed creatures screaming around him. This part of the ship was illuminated only by a bright glowing sphere, which seemed to make the very air feel wrong.

The crew had been split up by these creatures, haggard and feral and monstrous, and Nami had ended up in the lair of the master of this mad ship first.

Her lucky could not have been worse, but she fought ably with her Climatact, blasting back the hordes of feral human right and left.

"Ugh! What the hell are these things?" Nami cried. The man in the vice-admiral coat appeared behind her, grinning deviously. He lifted a hand, and the sphere glowed. From her fallen foes emerged... No... It couldn't be...!

"My experiments to create new devil fruit users has not, fweeheehee, borne fruit as such," he explained, as twins of the fallen creatures emerged. "But they have granted me a loyal army!"

Nami's eyes widened. "But-But they can't use their powers!"

"True! They're too badly degraded. Excessive copying does that," the mad man continued to explain, as though to a lecture hall filled with attentive students and not a dingy hellhole of a ship filled with monsters of his own creation. He grinned wider, light shining off his glasses ominously. "They seem to become more emotional the more times I split them, less intelligent, more insane... But you and your friends have provided me with... Shall we say... Fresh blood?"

Nami looked back on the horrors that had once been people, and screamed as she unleashed everything she had against the mad man. He waved his hand and new duplicates appeared, absorbing the lightning and wind blasts. Nami stopped, unable to get a shot in on the man without harming more... And she thought that terrible thought: That she was doing them a favor.

"Yes, yes! Fweeheeheehee! So very fiery! The potential...!"

"DIABLE JAMBE!" Roared Sanji, as he busted through a nearby bulkhead and sent a mass of duplicates flying. He gave Nami a smirk. "Miss me, Nami-swan?"

"ONIGIRI!" Zoro announced, slicing his way through another bulkhead. He smirked. "Got here too, shitty cook!" He glared at the vice-admiral. "Who's this asshole?"

"He's the guy in charge! He made these... Things!" Nami cried. "They're duplicates!"

"Ah, a new chance to learn more," the vice-admiral said, rubbing his hands together. "GO FORTH, CHILDREN! I want to see how they handle a Mook Challenge! This should be educational!"

The three Strawhats battled valiantly, but even mobs of mindless brutes could be exhausting to these three. The constantly duplicated guard robots and bombs didn't help. Even with the addition of Franky, Chopper, Robin, and Brook the battle was wearing them all down-The vice admiral could avoid their attacks, even with a coordinated strike on him from everybody working together.

"Damnit... How do we stop him? Chopper! Have you found a weakness?" Nami asked. The reindeer doctor hummed.

"The sphere is the source of his power! We take it out-!"

"No!" Franky vetoed. "That thing's got a lot of power, ow! We just smash it and it will make us and everything else around here go boom!"

"Okay, so we need to take it offline without blowing it up," Robin surmised. "If we keep him distracted, perhaps we can find a means of cutting off the power and-"

"YAAAAAHHHHOOOOOO!" Luffy bellowed as he smashed through the ceiling. He landed on top of the surprised vice-admiral, and then stretched. "Yeah! That was awesome!"

"AH! NO! YOU FOOL!" Growled the vice-admiral. "You're not supposed to interfere yet! I had you occupied!"

"Occupied?" Nami shouted. "Occupied how?"

Luffy scratched his head. "Well, I found this big pile of food and I was hungry so-"

"Of course," his crew sighed collectively.

Luffy scowled. "But it's clear to anyone that you're the bad guy here!" He said, pointing to the vice-admiral. He chuckled.

"Monkey D. Luffy... You are a most fascinating specimen, fweeheehee... In fact," and he raised his arms. "Why don't I make you my first test subject? Your lack of intelligence will do nicely!"

"My lack of what?" Luffy asked.

"He means you're an idiot!" Nami shouted.

"Not too fast on the uptake!" Franky added.

"Oh! Why didn't you just say that? Idiot!" Luffy snorted. The vice admiral laughed and raised his hands. The sphere built up a charge.

"LUFFY! GET OUT OF THERE!" Nami shouted. "He'll duplicate you!"

"Eh? How?" Luffy asked. Chopper pointed at the sphere.

"That glowing sphere!"

Luffy scoffed. "What? The source of his power is right there, and you haven't taken it out?" He grinned. "Well, I'll fix that! GUM GUM-!"

"No! Stop you fool!" The mad man cried.

"LUFFY! STOP!" Nami shrieked

"YOU IDIOT!" Sanji bellowed.

"MORON!" Zoro yelled

"DON'T STRAWHAT!" Franky shouted.

"CHOPPER WHY DID YOU SHOUT THAT?" Usopp cried.

"I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A SCIENTIST!" Chopper cried.

"Well, this is going to end badly," Robin said calmly.

Brook sipped some tea. "Somehow I suspected it would."

"-BAZOOOKKKKKAAAAA!"

And the world went white.

"You idiot," Nami sighed, bending down to kiss her stupid captain's forehead. He cracked an eye open, and pouted up at her.

"Namiiii! Come on! We know everyone else got away."

"We can only assume that! Not know it!" Nami growled. "For all we know they could be dead, or worse!"

Luffy sat up and hugged her tightly. He nuzzled her neck, and Nami blushed.

"They'll be fine," Luffy assured her. He grinned. "Some stupid explosion I may have accidentally caused can't kill our crew off!"

Nami sighed. "I suppose you're right..."

"And it hasn't been all bad, right? Shishishi," Luffy chuckled as he lightly nibbled on her neck. Nami turned bright red.

"Idiot... Don't do that," she sighed.

"Why not?" Luffy asked, proceeding to licking her throat... And lower...

"I-I want to be angry at you," Nami moaned.

"Be angry later then," Luffy growled. Nami sighed and relinquished her control.

It was unexpected, but not unpleasantly so. Him comforting her was a strange change: Right after they'd escaped he'd been nearly inconsolable, thinking he'd gotten his crew killed. Nami had comforted him, and gradually he'd recovered... And one thing led to another and...

"Ohhh... L-Luffy~..."

She couldn't think anymore.

The populated island was a welcome sight, and together they managed to pull the sloop into a hidden cove without anyone seeing them. They made their way on foot to the town they'd spotted on the other side, and Luffy whooped happily when he caught sight of the Strawhat Jolly Roger on a sail on one of the vessels moored at the dock.

"WOOHOO! EVERYONE!" Luffy shouted, running through town at breakneck speed. Nami ran after him, trying to keep up but she was soon left in the dust.

"Huff... Huff... LUFFY! WAIT!" Nami shouted after him. She used her navigation to find a short cut, and managed to make it to the docks just in time for Luffy to run into her. "OOF!"

"Ahhh... Sorry Nami," Luffy said, standing up. He grinned and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Didn't see you-"

"IDIOT!" Nami shouted, punching him in the head. "Slow down! The ship's not going anywhere!" She turned and scanned through the crowds of people and boats littering the docks, and smiled when she saw the familiar lion-shaped figurehead of the Thousand Sunny. "But it is good to find her again..."

"All right!" Luffy cheered. "I'm going to eat so much meat I won't be able to move!" He wrapped an arm around her waist and grinned. "And after that, I'm going to take you to your room and take off your clothes and-"

"Idiot!" Nami laughed, punching him again. "Keep that to yourself!"

"Right, right," Luffy sighed.

It wasn't long before they reached the ship, and Luffy waved his arm as they ascended the gangplank.

"HEY! EVERYONE! IT'S US!" Luffy shouted. "WE'RE BACK! TELL SANJI TO MAKE FOOD!"

Zoro appeared first, rising from the deck-More than likely he'd been napping. "Mmm? Luffy, what are you..." He trailed off and stared. "Luffy, Nami?"

"Yeah! It's us!" Nami said with a smile. "Don't tell me you've forgotten what we look like."

"Did you Zoro?" Luffy asked. He scowled at him. "That was a pretty crappy thing to do, leaving us like that! The whole thing hadn't even exploded yet!"

"I... It..."

"Hey guys! You're... You're..." Usopp stared in disbelief from the crow's nest. "Whaaaa...?"

"What the hell is going on?" Nami demanded. "You guys act like-"

"Like what?" Asked a voice from the forward section of the ship. Nami stopped, and slowly looked over at the speaker. Luffy followed, his eyes widening.

Standing at the open door to the forward section of the Thousand Sunny, looking as stunned as they felt... Was another Nami and Luffy.

"Well," Nico Robin said, just now ascending to the deck and staring along with them. "... This is unexpected."

The answer came to Nami in an instant-Both of them, actually. But since Luffy never thought much about what they were going to say, they beat the two redheads to the punch.

"YOU'RE MY EVIL CLONE!" Both Luffys shouted, pointing at each other.

"No, you are!" They shouted in unison again, as the rest of the crew was now on deck. Chopper had fainted, but a little coaxing from Usopp got the reindeer mobile again and examining the two Luffys, and then the two Namis while the former pair yelled at each other.

"You're totally the evil clone!" The Luffy who had just arrived with Nami declared. "You probably have a beard!" He was wearing the red shirt he'd had when they'd found the derelict, so Nami mentally dubbed him "Red Luffy". The other was wearing a blue vest, so he was dubbed "Blue Luffy."

As for herself... She kept Luffy's hat on her head, and the other Nami nodded in agreement. That was a relief-Her other self was still her.

"I don't have a beard! You probably do!" Blue Luffy retorted. "I bet you shaved it off!"

"Beards mean you're evil?" Chopper gasped. He looked over at Sanji, who was even now drooling over the fact that there were two Namis aboard.

"Sure," Zoro said. "Just check out the crap cook."

"SCREW YOU MOSSHEAD!" Sanji snarled. He zipped over to Nami (the one wearing the hat) and bowed down before her. "Is there anything I can get you my love? An ice pack, a fruit plate, a-BWAH!"

Red Luffy had decked Sanji, and growled down at him. "Lay off!" He said.

"AH! HE'S EVIL! HE'S TOTALLY EVIL!" Blue Luffy cried. Red Luffy growled.

"I'm not evil! You're not doing anything when he's perving over Nami!"

"So? That's Sanji! He's always perving over women," Blue Luffy said.

"Ah! That Luffy is sounding intelligent!" Usopp gasped. "Perhaps...The evil clone's been with us the whole time!"

He pointed an accusing finger at Blue Luffy. "He wants to become the Pirate King and RULE THE WORLD!"

"OF COURSE!" Chopper cried.

"No, no!" Blue Luffy gasped. "I... But what if I am the evil clone?"

"But I want to be Pirate King!" Red Luffy cried. "We can't BOTH be the evil clone... Can we?"

"YOU MORONS!" Both Namis shouted, whacking their respective Luffys over the head. "Nobody here is evil!"

"HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT, NAMI-SWAN?" Sanji gasped, back up as he glared at Red Luffy. "I bet he's twisted you into thinking he's good with his EVIL MIND CONTROL-GAH!" Sanji held his nose after Luffy punched him again. "THE HELL?"

"Stop hitting Sanji!" Blue Luffy growled.

"Yes Luffy, stop hitting him," Hat Nami stated. Red Luffy grumbled.

"Fine..."

Red Luffy and Hat Nami (as Nami had defined them for herself and subsequently the rest of the crew) were taken to Chopper's sickbay, where they were given a thorough examination. Chopper poked, prodded, and examined them thoroughly. Blue Luffy and the other Nami were the only ones allowed in, as despite Sanji's protests that he'd be better off in there to "supervise" he'd been overridden by the rest of the crew.

"So, you guys have really been drifting in a Marine sloop for the past few weeks?" Nami asked her counterpart as Chopper listened to her heartbeat with his stethoscope. Red and Blue Luffy were staring at each other, moving back and forth, making faces like they were looking into mirrors.

"Yes," Hat Nami said, watching the Luffys with some amusement. "We got out just in time to see you'd gone." She sighed. "I'm wondering if the others might have duplicates on the derelict... I hope they managed to escape."

"We didn't see anyone else, but there was just so much wreckage it probably covered them the same way it covered the rest of them," Nami sighed, crossing her arms.

"Oh man, I hope they didn't drown," Chopper said, shivering. "That's a terrifying thought, that your other self died while you still live..." His eyes widened. "Unless... I'm the duplicate!" He held his hooves over his temples. "What if the real me died?"

"I don't think it's that big a deal, Chopper," Hat Nami pointed out as she gestured at the two Luffys. "They don't seem to be all that different..."

"So, which of us is going to be Pirate King?" Blue Luffy asked.

"Me, of course!" Red Luffy said with a grin. He reached out an arm and yanked Nami to his side. "And Nami's gonna be the queen!"

"Eep!" Nami gasped as she was kissed and nuzzled by Red Luffy. Hat Nami growled as Blue Luffy stared in disbelief.

"LUFFY!" Hat Nami growled.

"What? It's not me, it's him! Why are you doing that anyway?" Blue Luffy asked. Red Luffy released Nami, who bopped him on the head. With an apologetic "shishishi", he yanked Hat Nami into his arms and cuddled her.

"Because I love her, stupid," Red Luffy huffed. Hat Nami growled in annoyance, but the blush on her cheeks and the fact she tolerated his affection drove the point home to Nami.

"How... How the hell did that happen?" Chopper gasped. The reindeer scratched his head. "I guess that emotional instability thing did happen with the clones..."

"And if there are other duplicates out there, and they did escape, they might be causing all sorts of problems..." Nami sighed.

"Yeah," Chopper said. "Still! There's no sign of physical degradation. You're all in perfect health."

"Great!" Red Luffy said. "I'm hungry!"

"Me too!" Blue Luffy said. They kept grinning... And then slowly glared at one another.

"You're not getting my meat, evil me!" Red Luffy growled.

"And you're not getting my meat, evil...er... Me!" Blue Luffy returned. Hat Nami sighed and looked at her counterpart.

"We probably need to work this out in shifts, otherwise we'll run out of food tonight," she said wryly.

Nami nodded. "Agreed. You guys go first, you were in a marine sloop for a while."

"Thank you," Hat Nami said. Red Luffy grinned.

"Thanks Nami! Love you!" He stretched out his neck, kissed the surprised Nami on her cheek, and ran off with his Nami over his shoulder as Hat Nami shrieked and giggled.

"L-Luffy! Put me down!"

"Nah, it's faster!" Red Luffy insisted.

Chopper, Nami and Blue Luffy watched them go.

Blue Luffy frowned after them, and then looked over at Nami thoughtfully.

"You know, I didn't really think about a Pirate Queen-"

"And you're not thinking about it now!" Nami growled as she blushed furiously. Chopper rubbed his chin.

"I wonder what my counterpart is doing right now...?"

"Never fear, Doctor Chopper!" Brave Captain Usopp cried, standing with one foot on the prow of their lifeboat as Chopper rowed furiously in Arm Point. "Soon we will find land, new adventures, and old friends!"

"Awesome Captain Usopp!" Chopper cried with a grin. "I'll follow you to hell and back!"

"Haha! I know you will, old friend!" Usopp declared. He turned his face to the wide ocean before them and grinned. "Yes! Onwards, hahahaha!"

A mighty Sea King rose up out of the water before them, and Usopp and Chopper screamed.

"AHHHH! SEA KING!" Usopp bellowed.

"WHAT DO WE DO, CAPTAIN USOPP?" Chopper screamed.

"SOGEKING! TO THE RESCUUUUE!" Shouted another, familiar voice, as a barrage of Pop Greens and Exploding stars hit the monster and sent the Sea King slamming into the water. Usopp and Chopper turned to see a Marine sloop... With Sogeking bravely riding the prow. Usopp's eyes widened.

"What the...? Sogeking?"

"SOGEKING!" Chopper cried. "YOU SAVED US!"

"Of course I did!" Sogeking declared. "I, Sogeking, am the King of Snipers who would never let innocents suffer in the line of duty!"

Usopp continued to stare in disbelief. "S-Sogeking?"

"Isn't it great! It's your friend, Sogeking!" Chopper laughed.

Usopp rubbed his chin. "Yeah... Lucky! Heheheh..." He stood with a broad grin. "All right Sogeking! We're ready to go when you are!"

"Of course!" Sogeking cried. "But have you met my crew?"

Another Usopp appeared... And another... And another..."

"Hoo boy," Usopp said. "I think we're in trouble."

"AWESOMMMME!" Chopper cried, stars shining in his eyes.

Omake by Scriviner (Go Read his stuff!)

Once they'd boarded glances were exchanged among the multitude of Ussopp's, "So who actually DOES get to be Brave Captain Usopp?"

Another replied, "We can take turns, i guess?"

Later still during a Massive Sea King attack!

"AH! Usopp 3, I am hereby promoting you to Captain! That's your responsibility!"

"Uh... I'm injured! Usopp 4! You must take over in my stead!"

"I have 'Can't-Fight-Monsters' sickness! It's really acting up, cough cough!"

Innevitably, it fell to Sogeking after all the other Ussopp's declined to participate... which had it's own dubious results:

"BRING IT ON! I'LL KICK HIS ASS!"

"We'll have to leave it to Ussopp Five... SOGEKING!"

"WITH JUST A FORK, I, THE GREAT SOGEKING, WILL DEFEAT THIS MIGHTY BEAST!"

"I'm pretty sure he suffered some sort of brain damage or something when we were escaping that ship, cause he's... just not right."

*CHOMP!*

"...FROM INSIDE! HA! FOOL! YOUR FIRST MISTAKE WAS IN EATING ME!"

"You guys think... um... maybe we should rescue him?"

Later, after Sogeking's rescued:

Chopper sang a song that, no one was quite sure where he'd picked it up from, but it seemed appropriate. Not that any of the Ussopp's appreciated it, "Brave Captain Ussopp bravely sailed away~! Brave, brave, brave Captain Ussop~!"

"Stop it! I did not!"

"We kind of did."

"No! We made a tactical retreat!"

"I don't have to take that sort of treasonous talk from myself!"

"WE COULD HAVE TAKEN THEM ALL!"

"Sogeking woke up..."

"I was really appreciating the peace and quiet too..."

Yeah, this is mainly in reaction to a One Piece fic with a similar premise but it was sufficiently bad it pissed me off. Hence, this bit of craziness. There will be another chapter but as I can't think past what I've already written, it will remain a two-shot.

In addition, the title refers to a "luff", which is the edge of a sail facing the wind. Hence the title: A split luff, or Luffy in this case.