Rocks in Socks

"No."

"My lord, please. They will-"

"Absolutely not." the Ringbearer was adamant, his eyes glinting dangerously at the offending objects.

"They will protect your feet as they heal, sir, and provide comfort as you walk," the servant protested.

"I do not care." The Ringbearer spoke through gritted teeth. His face was livid and he clenched the bedclothes in white-knuckled fists. "I am a hobbit, sir. I do not wear shoes; I do not wear socks." Summer-blue eyes stared at the servant in accusation. "Did the King command this?"

The poor servant squirmed under his gaze. "No, my lord," he admitted. "I only thought-"

"Good." Frodo flopped over onto his stomach. One foot hung temptingly out of the bed. "I won't wear them," he reiterated before the servant could move, adding, "And if you attempt to put them on me I shall throw them at your head."

"Sir?" the servant gasped.

Guardsman Peregrin, who stood near the door of the tent, chuckled. "At least you get a warning," he confided in his Tookish brogue. "He rarely tells me what will happen when he retaliates."

The young esquire of Rohan, Meriadoc, gave the flustered servant a look that was half stern and half amused. "Be thankful that he doesn't have any rocks with him. Imagine. Socks stuffed with rocks thrown at your head." He gave the servant an innocent look. "That could be rather painful, don't you think?"

The servant paled.

"Rocks in socks," Peregrin agreed nodding his head vigorously. "Or, he could stick them in a box and throw that. Socks in box."

Meriadoc's eyes lit up. "Or he could stuff them with lox. Lox in socks."

"Ugh," came from the bed.

"Or," Pippin put in excitedly, "he could lock them in a box."

"Stuffed with rocks," Merry added. "Socks and rocks in box with locks."

"Or Frodo could throw his voice so that it screamed insults at him as it flew towards his head without Frodo ever having to open his mouth," Pippin exclaimed.

"What?" Frodo twisted around to stare at the pair.

Merry gave his younger cousin a funny look. "You can't do that," he protested.

"Sure you can," Pippin disagreed. "I've seen it done before."

"Where?" challenged Merry.

"At the Free Fair two years ago. An old fellow had a puppet and he made it talk without ever moving his lips, and before you ask, he did it out it the open where there weren't any trees, tents, booths, or anything like that for someone else to hide behind. I almost came to find you, Frodo," he addressed the form in bed, "but I didn't know how long he'd be there and I didn't want to miss any of it."

"Why didn't I see it?" Merry demanded.

"You were running your race."

"And you ditched me for a puppet?" Merry sounded indignant.

Pippin sniffed. "Frankly, my dear Meriadoc, the puppet was far more interesting than watching you lose to Folco Boffin again."

"I never! You take that back!"

"You did and I won't." Pippin sounded smug.

"So what we now have," Frodo cut in dryly, "are socks and rocks in a box with locks that talks. Highly amusing. Anything else?"

They all thought hard for a moment. Than Frodo said hesitantly, "I suppose that you could put a chicken in the box. Then when you throw it you have rocks and socks in box with locks that talks and squawks."

"Oh, good one, Frodo," Pippin said admiringly.

"That squawks and bawks," Merry added.

"No," Frodo said decidedly. "You can't have two different kinds of bauks. It's too confusing."

"Why not?" demanded Merry. "We had lox and locks."

"Yes, but not in the same sentence," Frodo returned. "Lox in box with locks. We'd never be able to keep them straight."

"Not if you do it that way, no," Merry persisted, "but if you say lox and rocks and socks in box with locks that talks and squawks and bawks-"

"Ugh!" Frodo exclaimed."

"Instead of throwing it we could feed it to an ox," Pippin suggested. "Lox and rocks and socks in box with locks that talks and squawks and bawks in ox!"

"No, we can't," Merry disagreed. "If we do that then the game is over."

"Why?"

"Think about it, Pip," Frodo said. "If the box is in the ox then we can't do anything else with the rocks and socks."

"But we could keep playing," Pippin explained. "If we tied a pair of hawks to the ox-"

The forgotten servant slipped out of the tent still carrying the offensive socks, and leaving the three cousins to their war of rhyming words.