Chapter 7

Chapter Warnings: Genderbending, yaoi, definite plot movement.

Disclaimer: Hetalia belongs to Himaruya Hidekaz, Madoka Magica to Magica Quartet

AN: Self-beta'd and very late…I'm sorry. orz

Matthew sat slumped against the wall of the hotel. He had been meaning to return to Francis' house for weeks now, but he couldn't bring himself to face the older man. Going home was another option, one he didn't even want to consider. It was far, way too far away from everything. At one point he had appreciated solitude and space from the rest of the world, but now...the mere thought of leaving, of leaving Lili, was unthinkable.

Matthew had not seen her since the incident with the soul gem. He had not seen Feliciano either, the darker haired nation returning to his home with Germany for a time. He had been even more shaken by the revelation of the soul gems than Matthew, understandably. He was lucky that his home was close enough he could return there and still keep an eye on the situation.

Yet, even if his home had been further away, Matthew wouldn't have blamed him for leaving. Feliciano had been wide eyed, shocked and pained, and it was clear that more than anything, he needed Ludwig. Matt and Feliciano had spoken a little on the phone, but it had usually ended with one of them getting teary eyed, voice straining until they hung up.

Matthew was suddenly shocked out of his thoughts by the sudden clatter of stones against his window. He stood quickly, peeling back the curtains, and looked down to see expectant crimson eyes peering up at him. Oh yeah. And then of course there was that detail. Waving tiredly at the former nation, Matthew let the curtains fall back into place as he moved to pull on his trainers, and scooped up a docile Kumajiro to exit the hotel room.

Gilbert was waiting for him outside the hotel, raising a hand in greeting. They began walking in silence. Matthew had never known Gilbert to be silent before. He didn't think he had ever actually exchanged words with Gilbert, the albino had just...always been there. Always making himself noticed, shouting and laughing, growing ever more daring and outrageous in his methods of interrupting world meetings. Since they had begun talking, ever since the bridge, Matthew still hadn't worked up the courage to ask why it was Gilbert acted as he did, even when all it earned him was painful lumps and bruises from the shorter-tempered nations, and dislike and irritation from the others.

Part of why Matthew had not asked, he had quietly acknowledged to himself, was that he had his own theory. His theory was also the reason why, despite never speaking to Gilbert before, he felt as if they could be friends. Because maybe Gilbert was being loud and obnoxious so that he too would not be forgotten.

Gilbert had never openly confirmed or denied this theory, but there were little things he did, little actions and words that Matthew was sure he was not exaggerating. Least of all the way Gilbert looked at him with distinct understanding. Least of all the soul gem so often clutched between his fingers, as if to confirm its existence constantly, to make sure that yes, it was still there, was still with him, wasn't going to leave him and let him turn into a co-

Matthew turned suddenly pale, pressing the back of his hand against his mouth as a sudden wave of nausea hit him. He wasn't a Puella Magi, he hasn't been the one to just collapse, but it was as if he felt the incident just as acutely as if he had been in Lili's place. Gilbert stopped them, pressing a worried hand to Matthew's shoulder. "You ok there Mattie?" He asked, brash voice quieter than usual. Mattie. Matthew wasn't too accustomed to nicknames from anyone but Alfred, but it felt nice, despite the other feelings in his gut. Matthew gave a faint nod, looking down to the other hand, with the gem that was the same silver as Gilbert's hair.

"Yeah, I'm..." Matthew was about to make an excuse, but instead a small sigh slipped out. "Feliciano has been...keeping a much tighter grip on his soul gem too," he finally admitted. Gilbert's grip on the gem tightened, as did the muscles in his face. His grip on Matthew's arm remained controlled, and Matthew was thankful like that.

"Yeah...that tends to happen after you see something like that," Gilbert said in a deadened voice. "There's a part of you that wants to throw it far away, to never see it again, but survival instinct drowns that out. No matter how much you try to deny it, your body reacts on its own, clutching it ever tighter."

He was speaking from experience, Matthew realised. "Do you not...I mean, do you really not even notice? Feliciano never said anything about feeling different, and Eli-" he cut of as he was about to say the female nation's name. Gilbert's face had remained tightly controlled before, but at the sound of Elizabeta's name it near crumpled, the albino visibly having to drag all his feelings together before he was about to respond, with a shake of his head.

"Nothing. We don't feel anything. Even when the soul gems are first created, it doesn't feel like...anything like your soul being ripped from your body. Elizabeta died without ever being aware that her soul was outside her body." Gilbert said her name with a hard determination to speak without a quiver in his voice. Matthew couldn't help but push.

"Did you ever work together?" He asked softly.

"Once or twice. I had the mask back then too...didn't want anyone knowing what I spent my nights doing," Gilbert looked embarrassed. Matthew's mind fluttered over the mental image of a transformed Gilbert, with the mile long legs and thigh-high boots, tiny black skirt clinging to her thighs and silvery hair cascading down her back. Then he remembered that Gilbert was friends with Francis and Antonio, and the Canadian was forced to bite back a small laugh. It was no wonder he had tried to hide it. The Prussian's reputation, shallow as it was, would be in tatters. It was somewhat adorable despite everything. Gilbert gave him a playfully disapproving look when he saw the hints of a smile on Matthew's face, along with a small shove in the arm. "Shut up. I know what you're thinking," he accused, beginning to walk again. "I dread to think what Elizabeta would have subjected me to if I'd outright told her. I think she probably knew the whole time," he admitted with a fond smile, and words he could have never brought himself to utter if Elizabeta had still been with them began spilling out of his mouth, "nothing could ever get past her. I certainly didn't expect to manage it. She probably took pity on me and pretended ignorance." He speculated, and this time it was Matthew who reached out to him, in comfort. He realised now of course that Gilbert must have known what was going on from the day Elizabeta had been noticed missing. He must have mourned so silently, Matthew realised with a pang. Mourning her death when it couldn't be spoken out loud without having to explain everything.

"I'm really sorry," Matthew whispered, and Gilbert nudged him with an elbow.

"No point. There's nothing you could have done. Nothing I would have wanted you to do," Gilbert stared at him, serious. "Don't make a contract, Mattie. Your country is thriving. Your family are safe. Don't - don't throw all that away like we have. I had literally nothing to lose. You have far too much." he frowned, and stared down at the ground, hands shoved in his pockets. "All of you have too much to lose."

Matthew thought of Feliciano, seeking comfort from Ludwig. He thought of his own family, his brother and guardians.

He thought of Lili, with the brother she couldn't even face right now.

"I need to see Lili," he told Gilbert abruptly. "Her and Feliciano - it's not too late for them. Feliciano is coping," I think, I hope, "but she's not. I want - I need to help her." Gilbert nodded, taking a step away from Matthew.

"Better that I'm not there," he said, giving Matthew an apologetic look. "I'll stay...close enough to help if there's trouble. But I don't think she'd take too kindly to seeing me right now."

Matthew grimaced in sorry, but it was true. He was perhaps the only person Lili would listen to now.

If the past weeks had been hard for Matthew and Feliciano, they had been a thousand times worse for Lili. Vash had closed her in her room, and she had screamed and shouted and fought against it, but with only her physical strength to aid her, Vash had swiftly won that fight.

Fight.

She had never fought with her brother before, not ever. And now he was keeping her all but prisoner, locked away in her room. Well, that wasn't strictly true, the door to her room was not in fact locked, but it seemed almost like a mockery to be allowed free run of the house, but not to be allowed outside. So Lili had isolated herself to her room, preferring that to the childish restrictions Vash placed on her. A small voice in her head tried to convince her of what she knew to be true really; that Vash was only concerned for her, he was scared of what had happened and didn't want her to get hurt. Yet, that in itself was an unwelcome thought; Vash was never scared. If something was enough to scare her brother, Lili never wanted to face it, wanted to hide away and deny it existed. But the thing that had made him so scared was her; was her soul gem, and all the choices she had made.

The golden gem sat abandoned on a chest of draws, Lili avoiding looking at it for too long at any time. It had grown duller and duller, but much more gradually than when she had been fighting witches. Rather than the blackness creeping in from around the edges as she used magic, it was as if the gem was instead being drained slowly of its colour, leaving a sickly shade that made her wince, and seemed to match the putrid emotions curling in her stomach.

"You need to do something about that, you know."

Oh. Then there was that.

"If you leave your soul gem for too long without cleansing it, it will cause problems for you later," Kyubey continued, emerging into Lili's room from the shadows She had no idea how he had entered, and frankly didn't want to know.

"What do you care?" she asked quietly. "What do I care? I'm just...just a shell. I'm nothing," tears began to roll down her cheeks, and she was stunned at her ability to still feel, "I'm not worthy of being a nation!" she cried out, knocking her soul gem down and away, sending it rolling towards Kyubey. The small white creature padded towards it and, almost thoughtfully, pressed his paw against it. Lili watched as the colour within it flared, and then she couldn't see anything, white hot pain blinding her, sending her crumpling to the ground in a writhing mess of screams and shaking limbs.

"Are you really so upset to not be feeling this pain?" Kyubey asked her, watching as her screams reduced to sobs, the shaking still fierce enough to make her spasm uncontrollably on the floor, "This is why we do it, to keep you from feeling the agony of true fighting. This is how it would have felt to be run through by your friends, to die at the hands of witches." His paw lifted, just as Vash burst into the room, shooting immediately at Kyubey with a yell. The creature jumped away nimbly from the shot, leaping from the window. Vash jumped forward, leaning far out of the window, shooting down at the flash of white running through the garden. Finally giving up, he turned back to his shaking sister who gazed up at him, eyes wet and cheeks reddened with tears. Vash dropped his gun, stepping forward, stopping as his foot clinked against something. He looked down to see his sister's gem, and bending down, reached to pick it up.

The reaction was instant, as Lili released a piercing scream at the sight of fingers closing around her gem. The mere sight made her want to throw up, and adrenaline pushed her to clamber to her hands and knees, reaching out to snatch away the gem, cradling it. her eyes lifted to meet Vash's, and they were full of betrayal. Accusation.

"How could you, bruder," she trembled, rising to stand on wobbling feet. Vash couldn't find words, only staring at the maddened, pained creature his most beloved person had become.

"I didn't - I never meant - " his teeth ground together, eyes turning venomous. "Why does something like that even exist?! Does it only want to bring misery to girls too weak to know what they're getting themselves into?!" His gaze was outside of the window, and it was unclear if he even realised he was speaking aloud. But aloud it was, and every word was like a knife in Lili. She was on her feet and out the door before she even consciously knew what it was she was doing. She just knew - knew, deep in the very fibre of her being, she had to leave. She couldn't be there in that house, with its oppressive walls, and the brother who all along had thought of her as weak.

She was down the street and slowing to a walk before she realised she didn't even have shoes on. Her heart was thudding, and every sound made her think Vash had followed. She didn't want him to follow, she didn't want him near; she didn't want anyone near. Except...except perhaps, if Matt were to come, he might help her make sense. He wasn't a Puella Magi she knew that. It seemed to be the only thing she did know - and did she really want Matt? She could talk to him, maybe untangle her mind with his help, his wonderfully gentle and inoffensive help, but he had been with Feli. With Hungary first, maybe, but now he was with Feli and Feli had let Elizabeta die.

Lili wondered if she would be able to die soon.

She hadn't realised how late it was until the darkness begun to creep in. There was a train station ahead, and she realised how far she'd come without noticing. It was no wonder weariness had settled around her like a cloud. Her limbs felt like they were turning to lead, or perhaps like she'd been walking through heavy rain, her clothes and being absorbing negativity like heavy water weighing her down. A last burst of running took her up the steps, through the door, into the station. There was no one inside, and Lili was too exhausted to question the strangeness of such an occurrence. Too exhausted, and beyond caring, as she collapsed down onto a bench. Her soul gem rolled between her fingers, dirty and flashing tarnished, agitated colours within.

Gilbert couldn't believe it when she spotted her, spotted sweet little Lili stepping into the train station alone. Releasing the transformation he'd donned in order to allow himself to search for Lili with more ease, he made his way slowly into the train station after her. After arriving at Lili and Vash's house, they'd found the door left wide open, with no one inside. Gilbert had convinced Mattie that it should be the younger nation who stayed at the house, to wait for Vash or Lili's return. Gilbert privately knew it wouldn't be Lili, his soul gem flashing and beaming the closer he came to her. But, it was easier for Matt if he believed Lili may still come home.

His boots tapped softly against the steps, turning into echoing ringing of noise inside the station. Gilbert shivered, reacting to the atmosphere instantly. His soul gem was hidden away, disguised as a ring strung onto the same chain as his cross; he'd done so to not spook Lili, but he desperately wanted to pull it out or even to transform straight away.

"...Lili…?" he called out softly. It was a gamble; she might run from him. But honestly the atmosphere in the building pressed him to find her at any cost, even if it involved her running again. He was surprised to find her quickly, sat slumped on a bench. He moved slowly, Lili giving no signs that she'd heard or seen him. "...hey kiddo," he tried again, settling himself cautiously beside Lili. "What're you doing here?"

"...I had to leave…"

It was muted, but it was a reply nonetheless, and Gilbert sighed in relief. "I get ya kid. Sometimes you just gotta get out. Even the awesome me has to...well. But we need to leave here, ok? You don't have to go home, you can stay at mine, or - or with Mattie, and - "

"No, I can't go. I need to be here. I need to be away from you - from all of you." Finally Lili's head moved, and Gilbert recoiled at the disturbing shine to her glassy eyes. "You're magical girls," she continued and her voice was like nails. "Puella Magi. You're all selfish, cruel people. You let Elizabeta die." There were tremors wracking her body, and Gilbert didn't think she even noticed as he recoiled in shocked pain at the mention of the chestnut-haired nation. At the simple cruelty of her words, that Lili undoubtedly believed.

"Lili," he began, voice shaking, "Lili, you don't understa-"

And then, Lili's fingers rolled open from where they'd been clasped in her lap, and Gilbert caught sight of the tarnished metal between them.

"I just don't know anymore...I don't know who I can even trust. Kyubey's word...Matthew's, my brother's? Can I trust any of them? I thought at one time I could trust you, and Feliciano...but I do not even know if I really know you anymore. Puella Magi are evil...but I have known you for so long, I thought I could trust you…" Lili spoke in a scarily calm voice, her fingers still shaking, rattling the blackened gem between them.

Gilbert was barely paying attention to Lili's words however, scrambling in his pockets for a grief seed, cursing himself when he realised he had left them behind. Hadn't thought - had assumed Lili would - "Shit!" he cursed, grabbing Lili's shoulder in panic. Only now did she really acknowledge him, her head rolling towards him, a strange half smile on her lips.

"Why do you look so scared?" she asked, and Gilbert stared, wide-eyed at her empty eyes, "You shouldn't worry. It'll only make you sick with the knowledge that nothing you do will ever make a difference." The smile dropped and for a moment, it was as though the lucidity returned to her, for just a single, heartbroken moment -

"It was so hopeless to even try and make a difference," she told him, and the tears rolled from her eyes, splattering across her lap.

And the soul gem shattered between her fingers, in a flurry of black light.

Gilbert was sent flying backwards, only stopped when he thudded against a wall, the shockwaves making his skull crack painfully against it, and keeping him pinned. "L-Lili-" he grit out trying to peer through the swirling darkness that was gradually encapsulating the entire room. At the centre, all he could make out was the pale, delicate body of Lili falling weightlessly to the floor and above it, a diamond-decorated grief seed, still pouring forth darkness. Gilbert bit down on his lip, drawing blood as he felt the clenching helplessness in his heart.

"I'm so sorry. I couldn't save you, even from this." his mind was filled with despair, as his eyes slid slowly shut.

"In an ancient language of this planet, a 'Puella' is a girl who has yet to reach adulthood, right?" Kyubey mused, perched atop a building as he observed the explosion of darkness and energy a few miles away. "So, for you who grow to become witches, 'Puella Magi' or 'magic girl' is the perfect term for you!"