Author's Note: *bangs head* This is my fourth time uploading this… Hopefully everything's centered that's supposed to be centered… Disclaimer: I do not own any of the previously mentioned books/world/characters within. I merely own this fanfic and am making no profit from it. Destination: Minas Tirith in Gondor in Middle Earth
Stuck with a silver radiance the White City of Gondor looked like a phantom from some forgotten realm. But the laughter of women and the sound of a flute in the distance was no pale apparition, it was real, it was life. Legolas Greenleaf was seated in one of the gardens under the top level of the city. To his left was Aragorn, the son of kings and one of his closest friends. His best friend was a sharp tongued dwarf.
"Where is he?" Legolas wondered aloud.
Aragorn laughed, knowing who he meant, "He will be here any moment…"
Just then Gimli burst through the flowered archway. In his hand he grasped a tight scroll.
"Morning!" He puffed out. "Sorry I'm late. Some human in a dark cloak wanted me to give this scroll to you." Gimli took another breath and handed the blindingly white scroll to Legolas.
Aragorn eyed the scroll intently where it rested in the elf's hand.
"Do you believe it safe to contemplate looking inside?" Legolas asked warily.
"Open it! I shan't be tormented with the knowledge that I ran up two levels of Minas Tirith, to deliver a scroll to a pointy eared elf only to have him 'contemplate' it!"
Aragorn nodded, "Come, put our friend out of his misery."
Slowly Legolas unrolled the small scroll and said, "I pray to Eru this is no dark trick. See how it glows?"
"If it is a personal message, then do not feel obligated to share." Said Aragorn.
Gimli had settled himself on a low rock where he could observe his two companions.
Legolas said, "Of course I would hide nothing from those people closest to my heart." But as he refocused his attention on the scroll his face paled, which was quite a feat for the Sylvan elf. And his gray eyes looked utterly flabbergasted.
"What is it?" The mortals asked eagerly.
Legolas let the scroll fly up on itself, "Nothing you should concern yourself about."
Aragorn and Gimli exchanged a look that Legolas pointedly ignored. The three companions spent the rest of the morning together discussing the city (on which Aragorn had an endless list of strange things to vent about). They talked of Mirkwood's condition since the war had ended. Legolas praised his father Tharanduil's patience and insight. Briefly they debated on the best techniques of carving stone to be fair to Gimli, who had little interest in politics.
When they had parted ways Legolas picked up a brisk pace till he found a secluded area. His eyes darted furtively around and he flicked the scroll open.
Muwahahahaha… haha… haha!
HA! Ahem.
Dear Legolas Greenleaf,
it is I! The Authoress here to send you to meet your fellow blondies!
(Any attempts to flee will be dissuaded in a potentially painful manner)
Muwahahahaha… haha… haha!
HA! Ahem.
Please count to three using your toes.
(While pinching your nose)
Forget not my not-prose
and crush the red rose!
Muwahahahaha… haha… ha- nevermind.
Best wishes, the Authoress
What red rose? Without knowing why Legolas carefully counted to three on his toes, keeping his thumb and forefinger dutifully on his nose. When the mountainous task was done he stopped and thought, Now what? Out of nowhere a stunning red rose fell right next to his little toe. Picking it up he speculated, Do I still pinch my nose? Just to be on the safe side he continued to pinch his nose while he crushed the perfect, soft flower of his doom.
POOF!
Well that was fun.
Let's see what the wonderful
Draco Malfoy is doing in
his life…
Destination: The Alternate Universe of the Real World
Draco Malfoy was admiring his sleek hair greased back so that it shone with a err… shiny light.
He quietly muttered, "Potter and his dumpy friends will pay one day for the indignity I have suffered."
Conveniently forgetting that he had chosen to serve the evil Moldy Voldy, he then practiced his different facial expressions that included: Smug, indifferent and angry. He called to one of the lowly slaves, house elves naturally, and ordered the "little wretch" to fetch his black suit.
It had been a month since Moldy Voldy had been casually trampled to dust by Potter. Honestly, Voldy was a pathetic excuse for a wizard pure blood or not, only the truly low could have been beaten by a child raised by muggles. Draco of course knew that he was far superior and had knowledge under his wand that would make a Death Eater go crying for mommy in a voice that even Potter couldn't top. Cleared of any imperfections like an uneven eyebrow or repulsive black heads, Draco was ready to face the day.
Lucius Malfoy was flipping through the newspaper with the detached air that his son always imitated. He didn't speak when Draco passed through the lavish living space, too many things of importance on his mind… Was that a dirty fingernail? Where is that thrice-blasted elf?
"But Mother, everyone looks at me with absolutely none of the respect that my lineage calls for!"
Before Narcissa could reply to her son one of the house elves came to her warily, not meeting eye contact. Without acknowledging the elf's presence Narcissa took the white envelope from the creature's grubby hands. The paper was white as a Patronus Charm, no crest or embellishment adorned the envelope, but in exquisite gold leaf lettering there was the name "Draco Malfoy." The gold lettering impressed her so much she handed the envelope to her son without question and ordered the house elf to clean up the kitchen while she went shopping. Draco snatched the envelope and stomped up the spiral staircase in his three story mansion. Plopping down with an annoyed sigh he unceremoniously ripped the light weight envelope open.
Muwahahahaha… haha… haha!
HA! Ahem.
Dear Draco Malfoy,
I am the Authoress who has now controlled your life and every action since this morning when you were primping your hair. It is for your hair that you have been chosen to come meet your fellow blondies.
Muwahahahaha… haha… haha!
HA! Ahem.
Now, count to three on your toes
(While pinching your nose)
Ignore your dad's shows
and crush the green hose.
Please understand that you have no choice in the matter and any cursing and attempts to flee will be censored.
Best wishes, the Authoress
Draco did curse but as you should know, no cursing will make any appearance in this story. For reasons unknown to Draco he plucked off his immaculate leather boots (black of course) and counted to three while pinching his nose. His attempts were futile in successfully ignoring his father.
Meanwhile: NOOOOO! The other nail!
_
What in the same of the Basilisk was a hose? It was probably some muggle contraption, only reason why it would sound so ridiculous. He blinked, and there was a green, rubbery kind of rope on the ground that resembled a snake. Rolling his eyes he whipped out his wand and said, "Incendio!" The rope burst into flames.
While This Was Going On: NOOOOO! My polished-
_
You don't really want to listen to Lucius now do you? Oh wait, I'm forgetting something!
Draco Malfoy stared at the burning rope with sickening satisfaction. Then there was a-
POOF! And he was POOFED away.
The room contained nothing but the sound of a slowly enlarging fire.
Let's go see the Lady Alyss now!
Location: Castle Redmont, Araluen
"Horace! There you are!" Alyss Mainwaring was hosting a reunion which involved her former ward mates. Now that Horace was here, they only needed George. The pale blonde ushered the famous warrior into the room where Will and Jenny were already seated.
"Hello my special friends!"
Will looked at Horace with a strange expression on his face. Jenny merely giggled and proceeded to bring in their dinner.
A knock on the door interrupted anything more that might have been said and Alyss soon had George seated as well.
"Sorry I'm late, I decided to pick up my share of the mail. When word got out I was coming to see you all they decided to give yours as well." Soon everyone had a fair stack of neat envelopes and packages except Alyss.
"Nothing for me?" She asked innocently.
"Oh! Oh yes! This fine piece would be for you lady!" Bowing with a flourish at the waist George handed a pure white envelope to Alyss. Everyone, naturally wanted to see where such a clean letter came from. Jenny who was sitting next to Alyss watched eagerly as Alyss broke the seal.
"What's 'TA' stand for?" Will wondered aloud.
"Shhh!" Jenny hushed him.
They leaned closer to as the expression on Alyss's face changed to one of indifference. She hastily stuffed the letter away into her own bag and said "Nothing of importance." Her was voice breezy and light.
Naturally that meant it was something extremely important, but they all knew better than to press for answers from Alyss.
By bedtime when everyone was going to their assigned rooms Alyss had completely forgotten about the letter. However the Authoress who controlled her every thought and action couldn't let such a thing stand and waited until the blond haired woman was just closing her eyes…
Alyss was suddenly reminded of the letter, for some reason the nonsense in the letter seriously scared her. But better get it over with now else she was sure she wouldn't be able to get to sleep.
Muwahahahaha… haha… haha!
HA! Ahem.
Dear Alyss Mainwaring,
You have never heard of my name before but I am she who is called the Authoress (TA).
I am sending this letter as a generous warning that your life is about to take a drastic change for the worseweird wonderful. You are going to be involved in a new experiment where you will meet your fellow blondies.
Muwahahahaha… haha… haha!
HA! Ahem.
I hope that you appreciate my attempts to be as gentle and diplomatic as the essence of my personality will allow.
Please count to three on your toes
(while pinching your nose)
Don't sing while the wind blows
and crush the silver crow.
Best wishes, the Authoress
P.S. ANY ATTEMPTS TO AVOID YOUR FATE WILL BE DEALT WITH APPROPRIATELY!
What? Once again the Authoress exerted her power over the Araluen diplomat and Alyss complied with the instructions and observed that her nose was cold. Off came one of the soft blue shoes so that she could see her pale toes. She heard the wind whistling and resisted the urge to whistle along. Then a silver object shot into the air and plummeted behind her, forcing her to turn around to view the queerest bird. For one thing is was large, had its eyes closed and was lying on her floor. Oh and it was silver. Plus dead, making it just a tiny bit weirder, but Alyss had faced Wargs before, she was not going to back down! Tentatively she pushed the bird with her foot that still had a slipper on.
POOF!
And our friend with the one shoe was whisked away…
On to Eragon! Muwahahahaha!
Location: Unknown
Doo-dee-doo!
We love you!
Wash your shoe,
because it's covered in GOO!
OH doo-dee-doo!
With a groan Eragon Shadeslayer rolled out of bed. His window was open to the large courtyard (that could easily fit ten Saphiras) where he could hear one of the younger students babbling.
Good morning Saphira. Good morning Little One. So, what is the state of this land? Well Blödhgarm wanted me to tell you that the little dragon Mirlandra and her Rider Seto seemed to need to be reassured. They will find their confidence eventually. Are you ready for this afternoon's gathering?
"What was it this time?"
"A strange figure dressed in a black cloak came up to me and said to give this to you." He handed Eragon a heavy package and rushed away.
That was strange. He commented to Saphira. Oh well. If Blodhgarm hadn't found anything weird (since the elf wouldn't have been so foolish on his own to give a strange contraption to Eragon without checking it right?) then it must be safe.
He ripped it open. And there was a mirror. It had a silver back with the inscription "TA" on the back. Several flourishes accompanied each letter. He turned it over, cast a few spells just in case and at last settled himself on his bed. Now satisfied, Eragon gazed into the reflective surface, and to his astonishment there appeared on the "screen" words. Unable to tear his gaze away, he wisely ignored Saphira's warning and allowed his mind to become immersed in the mirror's depths… Because all mirrors do that right? The image a hooded figure appeared.
Muwahahahaha… haha… haha!
HA! Aherm.
Kvetha Fricai Eragon Shadeslayer/Argetlam/Kingkiller/Firesword!
I send this message to you through space and time
My apologies, wrong space story.
You have been specially chosen for a historical event.
"The Meeting of the Blondes." It is an experiment.
I hope it will prove beneficial and amusing to the people on FF.
Saphira will not be coming with you. Any attempts to flee will result in you going back in time and never finding Saphira's egg.
Now:
Please count to three on your toes
(while pinching your nose)
A spell to change your hair goes
very well with my plan you know!
Best wishes, the Authoress (TA)
Eragon stared. Saphira roared, finally getting into his mind.
Eragon I know what you're thinking!
But Eragon paid her no mind. He said a quick spell in the Ancient Language. Nothing happened. Because the Authoress wanted something far more entertaining to happen.
A bucket of bleach hovered over his head, drawing nearer… and NEARER. Splash!
And our friend (minus his blue dragoness) was whirled away into the great unknown…
Hello Reader,
I am TA. The Authoress.
If you haven't already figured it out-
I have decided to organize a historic event, bringing blondes from the best stories together. To see how they mingle…
I hope this information proves beneficial to your mental health.
Sincerely,
~TA
Author's Note: Hey guys, this is my first attempt at humor. It's not exactly a parody… Legolas (from Middle Earth) This is just some fun rambles that I'm not too serious about. This story is a convenient place where I can put all my dying brain cells into. Next chapter is when we actually get the blondies together. And yes IC fans, they are
The list of unfortunates are:
Draco (from Harry Potter)
Alyss (from Ranger's Apprentice)
Eragon (From Inheritance Cycle)