Author's Note: Em...yeah this one kind of ran away on me...so...hope I don't put you to sleep.

Deeks quietly closed the door as he made his way inside his apartment. Slowly peeling his jacket off, he let it pool around his feet as the floor boards creaked when he shuffled over to his couch. With the lights off and curtains closed, the only brightness visible in the whole room was the steady red light from his tv. Constant strength, never faltering.

Unlike him.

The sound of the low hum of the refrigerator pulsed around in his head. The shallow breathing and scuffling of Monty in his sleep scraped against his ears. The feel of his shirt, circled tightly at his neck, cutting off his air, cutting off his life –

It was too much.

Everything that had happened. It was too much. The kiss. Her clothes – not for him but for another man, seducing another man, getting shot by another man –

Deeks clenched his jaw at that. That was his fault too, he knew it. Kensi never had a problem getting information out of a mark, yet this time, when Deeks put up a fight like a twelve year old child, she faltered? Hardly a coincidence. With a job like his, Deeks never believed in such a term. And now Kensi was somewhere after being checked out by some medic – he hoped – in more pain than she would ever admit, body shaking, sweat escaping, face paling –

He scrunched his eyes and dropped his head into his hands. That pale face, etched in his memory, burnt into his retinas, never leaving. She looked so helpless then, lying there on the couch, blood pouring through her hands trickling down her wrist, lips squeezed tight cracking at the seams with the pain, a small pathetic smile gracing her broken face –

Jesus Christ he needed to stop. This self torture wasn't going to get him anywhere. It was only a flesh wound. She wasn't dead. It wasn't a serious gun shot wound –

But it could have been, a voice inside his head hissed.

Oh God, he needed to hear her voice, needed to see her face, just for reassurance, just so he could lie down in bed and not see the pain behind her eyes once he closed his.

No doubt it was more than the gun shot wound too. There had been scuffling before either Kensi or their mark acquired their guns. They all heard it over their ear pieces. What if her rib was injured again? The one she just cracked. It's still weak. What if she broke it? And it punctured a lung –

Christ. He sat up immediately pulling out his phone. Just needed to hear her voice, that's all. Then he'd know she was okay. Then he could rest a little easier –

"Deeks," the voice regarded him.

Deeks quickly pulled back his phone to see who he called.

"Sam?" he asked in confusion.

"No it's Kensi, my voice has always been this deep,"

Rubbing his forehead closing his eyes, Deeks felt his irritation rise.

"Sam, I'm not in the mood for this, so either you put Kensi on the phone or –"

"Relax Deeks, she's fine," Sam assured immediately, sensing Deeks' frustration. "G's following her up to her apartment now,"

"Following her? Why isn't he helping her?" he pushed.

"Because Kensi just loves a helping hand now doesn't she,"

"Okay, yeah I – okay," Deeks settled for a moment, "wait – why do you have her phone?"

"Really showing off those detective skills aren't you?" Sam teased again.

"Sam, come on," Deeks urged, his exhaustion seeping through the cracks.

"Settle Deeks. I'm bringing her stuff up from the car, so considering I saw you calling, I thought I'd answer, okay?" Sam asked clearly aware of Deeks' panic.

"Fine, well put her on to me,"

Sam paused as he considered the request, (demand), but chose better of it.

"I don't think that's such good idea,"

"Sam –"

"Deeks it's got nothing to do with...whatever is going on..." Sam brushed around, "...as much as she doesn't want to admit it, she's tired, and talking to you right now, talking to anyone right now is not what she needs. She just needs to rest,"

Deeks sighed running his free hand through his hair thinking of what a mess he made.

"Then...at least tell me she's okay," he insisted softly. "I mean really okay,"

"She's good Deeks," Sam confirmed, his relief also evident through his answer. "Flesh wound on the right shoulder – four stitches – some bruising at her left temple and just general aches, but Deeks, she really is fine,"

Releasing his breath heavily once more, Deeks sunk into his couch, his head lolling to the back.

"Okay...okay good. I'll let you go then..." he trailed off in response, relief flooding through him.

"Yeah. G and I will see you tomorrow,"

Deeks immediately sat up at this with his eyes wired open.

"Wait – Kensi isn't coming in?"

"Nope Hetty's orders. Kensi was determined on ignoring the doctor. That didn't go down well with Hetty,"

Hetty knew about this?

Ugh. Of course Hetty knew about this, the woman knows everything, but Deeks still hadn't thought of that. His guilt mounding, He just tried to end the conversation easy without slipping any further down that hole he was now fully stuck in.

"Sounds like Kensi's still her old self I guess," he joked, the hollow emptiness audible through his words.

"So like I said, the two of us will see you tomorrow, okay?" Sam repeated a little more insistant, as though worried.

"Yeah," Deeks nodded, too hazy to form coherent words."Wait – Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"I just –" Deeks faltered, unsure of how to phrase it. "For helping her, Kensi I mean, just..."

"We'd do the same for you," Sam interrupted, hearing Deeks' unspoken words. "Maybe,"

"Right," Deeks huffed out an empty laugh, "see you tomorrow then," he confirmed once more as he slowly hung up the phone, dropping it onto the table in front of him.

She was okay, Kensi was okay. A few bumps and bruises – and a gunshot – that voice reminded him, but she was refusing help, so she was still his girl. His Kensi.

She was okay.

Slowly and stiffly retreating to his room, Deeks felt tomorrow was going to only add to the heavy pain that was already building inside of him. Callen was going to ensure he felt even smaller than he did now, and Sam was probably just going to stand and watch, shaking his head. And Hetty...

What if she said they didn't him any more? That he caused more trouble than help? Who would want a liaison who not only couldn't liaise, but gets others shot in the process?

Christ. Why had he let himself screw this up so badly?

Well. That part was evident. Went by the name of Kensi Blye.

But not stopping this free fall he was now stuck in? He was blind. She made him blind. And it was his fault. His fault.

His fault.

"Mr. Deeks," Hetty signalled to her office as he walked in.

Deeks looked at his Operations Manager, perched as though awaiting his arrival, then over to the bullpen where Sam and Callen were talking.

"Right," Deeks nodded briefly taking a deep breath as he followed her.

His legs felt dead as he followed behind her. Not only had he not slept last night, he didn't eat breakfast. He couldn't. Not with this stone weight in his stomach. He knew he was over-reacting, but in their line of work, when each member of the team are shot at, both daily and more than once, who knew what could happen next time as a result of his blindness.

"Sit, please," Hetty signalled once more as they approached her quiet haven.

As Deeks sat down, he couldn't help but feel as though he was, once again, being called into the principal's office, or worse, a sentencing in a courtroom. His eyes trained on the desk, he tried not to show any signs of the extreme fear that was coursing through him, but he knew this time he was more than likely failing.

"Mr. Deeks," Hetty repeated once more pulling him from his thoughts.

"Hetty I didn't – I mean, last night. I know I was in the wrong," he began from the edge of his seat.

Eyes clouded over, lids heavy, he needed to say it. If this was going to be his last time here, he just needed to throw it all out.

"I know I shouldn't have done what I did; gone to Kensi first. I just – she was there, and all pale, and covered in blood, and I – I needed to see she was okay. It was stupid of me, and I should never have done that, but..." he swallowed heavily as he gained the remaining ounce of courage inside of him, "I'm not going to apologize for making sure my partner lived,"

He looked up at Hetty, his eyes begging for forgiveness. "I know I'm a liability to the team, especially after that, and I'm sorry. I just – yeah. I'm sorry," he repeated quietly now looking at his shoes feeling ten years old.

"Mr. Deeks," Hetty repeated soothingly but his head remained low. "Detective," she stated slowly gaining his attention,"how are you?"

Wait, what?

Deeks paused momentarily, his eyes shifting quickly to the Hetty's. Confusion clearly apparent on his face he opened his mouth but words seemed to fail him.

With endless confusion mounting, he shook his head closing his eyes briefly, attempting trying to figure out what was going on.

"What are – what?"

"Charming Mr. Deeks," Hetty responded lightly with a smile, "I asked you how you were? I fail to understand your confusion from that,"

"Um, just kind of...from the question directed to me in general?" he managed to string together.

"How so?" she asked joining her fingers together resting on top of her desk.

"I thought you were, I don't know," he sighed running a shaking hand through is hair. "I though you were going to..."

"Fire you?" she supplied.

Deeks merely shrugged dropping his head once more.

"Don't you think you have suffered enough?"

Suffered?

"What? But I didn't get shot," he stated furrowing his brow, "Kensi did," he added quietly.

"I am well aware Mr. Deeks, but it appears as though you have been torturing yourself over this matter, would I be correct in saying that?"

"I don't..." he paused with a knowing look from Hetty.

Wiping his hands down his denim clad thighs, he continued quietly.

"It was my fault," he said softly, each word laced with pain and guilt.

"You pulled the trigger on your partner?" she deadpanned.

"You know what I mean," he shook his head, his eyes hollow.

"Yes Mr. Deeks I do," she confirmed with an understanding smile, "and as dangerous as it was to not have cleared the scene, I do believe you have learnt never to do it again,"

Again Deeks remained uncharacteristically silent, simply rolling his knuckles into his thighs.

"Detective," she paused waiting until Deeks' eyes met hers. "Things like this happen. Your partner is alive and well at home. Filling herself with sugary treats no doubt," Deeks smiled weakly at this. "I do however want you to be careful," Hetty continued, holding Deeks' attention once more. "Being partners with someone, someone you trust, someone who...is important to you, can be more dangerous than a speeding bullet. Do you understand the implications of what I am telling you?"

"Yeah I'm...I think so," he answered hesitantly.

"You and Ms. Blye have a...unique partnership," she stated cryptically. "I would just like you both to be careful with certain issues that you both may encounter together,"

Deeks stopped momentarily, staring at Hetty repeating her words in his head.

Be careful with certain issues that you both may encounter together.

Did she know? About...the kiss? About them?

Deeks mentally scoffed. He didn't even know what they were. Not any more at least. How could Hetty know?

Once again, his earlier description of his Operations Manager drifted through his thoughts –

Of course Hetty knew about this, the woman knows everything.

"Mr. Deeks?" Hetty repeated once again.

"Yeah sorry, um yeah?" Deeks responded shaking his head into focus.

"As long as you understand, you may go now," she stated as she pulled a manilla file from her desk and began sifting through its contents.

Deeks stood slowly, turning around and walking down the steps with never ending confusion building.

He wasn't let go. He was still part of the team.

The team.

He cast a glance at Sam and Callen talking away in the bullpen. What were they going to say to him? They couldn't trust him any more? He let them down the way he did Kensi? God, he finally thought he found himself a home. A family. But just like when he was younger, it got messed up. This wasn't his family. This time, he didn't deserve them.

"I think he's lost it," Sam said to Callen interrupted Deeks from his thoughts.

"Wh – what?" Deeks asked looking like a schizophrenic as he reached them.

"Just arguing...with yourself there?" Callen asked.

"No I – well yeah but –"

"Yep. Definitely lost it," Sam repeated with a smirk.

Looking to the side for a moment, Deeks rubbed the back of his neck. He really needed to iron some kinks out.

"Look –" he began.

"You've spoken with Hetty?" Callen interrupted.

"Hmm? Oh yeah," Deeks answered in a distracted manner.

"Then between that, and how bad you look, no offense..." Deeks gave a hollow smile, "...nothing more needs to be said," Callen finished.

"We won't be so forgiving next time though," Sam joked.

"There won't be a next time," Deeks ensured, his words laced with an undeniable sadness. Picking up on this, Sam stepped forward.

"Deeks –" he tried.

"So what's the plan..." Deeks began, shutting down any pity the two agents were beginning to display towards him, "...you know considering I –" he caught himself.

Unsaid words let linger in the air.

Considering I screwed up the last one.

Callen took a deep breath as Sam picked up his gym bag.

"We're going to wait a bit. Eric's looking into more leads we could use, and then we'll take another crack at it when we're all together again," Callen encouraged Deeks as he too took his gym bag.

"Right. Okay," Deeks nodded staring at the ground. "I should probably help Kensi out with a bit of paperwork then," he laughed depreciatively pointing to her empty desk, "kind of owe her that much,"

"Deeks –" Sam tried once more.

"Let me know who wins," he smiled briefly, cutting the conversation off once more.

Following his cue, Sam nodded slowly before following Callen towards the gym.

As Deeks sat in his partner's desk for the day, he wondered whether he should call her. Just maybe see if she's okay? She might need some things. Food? Meds? Maybe if he –

No. This was exactly the problem. He was blind. He needed to stop. She was more than likely going to have to do missions like that again, Deeks needed to be ready for them. Not guilt trip her when she's only doing her job. Distance was what he needed from her right now, and what better way than when she's not here.

Settling down to the large mound of paperwork, Deeks busied himself for the remainder of the day, finishing every last document, before quietly leaving, only supplying a brief nod to Eric when he came down the stairs.

Distance. Just for a bit. It was working. He could feel it. Then, when Kensi did come back, he'd be good as new.

Distance. Just for a bit.

Deeks was pulled from his thoughts when his phone rang on the table in front of him.

Having made it home, picking up Chinese on the way, he had settled in with a few beers and started flicking through the channels to find something decent on tv –

All the while ignoring her calls.

Four to be exact. And a few texts. Six in total. In his defence, he wasn't doing it intentionally. Really. Well maybe this one he was, but all the others, his phone had been on silent and shoved into his bag for the day.

He just needed to force himself to take some space. Distance. Just for a bit.

Seeing her name flash on his screen though, for the, what was it – fifth time now? – he realised he needed to talk to her.

Setting down his beer and muting the tv, he carefully picked up his phone. Thumbing the screen to answer, he took a deep breath for what was to come.

"Kens–"

"Open your damn door now Deeks!"

Caught completely off guard, Deeks looked down at his phone again, line now dead from Kensi hanging up on him.

He looked over to his door, but he heard no knocking – or potential banging. She was here?

He hesitantly shuffled over to the door where he was immediately ambushed.

"What the hell do you think you're playing at!" she poked him fiercely in the chest as he opened the door. "Seriously Deeks. What. The. Hell?!" Kensi repeated, her words forcing Deeks to retreat back, her feet following his movements.

"Kensi I –"

"Kensi I –" she mimicked angrily. "You tell me you're going to call me, again, and then you never do. Again. You disappear after last night, don't call once –"

"Actually I –" he tried before she growled. Actually growled, glaring at him with narrow eyes.

"Don't you dare," she seethed, "Sam and Callen wouldn't tell me anything. You're my partner, and they wouldn't tell me what the hell happened. I get shot, and you disappear. I'm shot, and I spend the day worrying about you –"

"Jesus Christ Kensi! That's exactly it!" Deeks yelled now silencing her dead in her tracks. "You. Got. Shot," he punctuated loudly.

She paused momentarily before her usual flare returned. "So what? I get shot and you can't handle it? You got shot before, and where was I? Right at your bed. The entire time! So what, tell me that's it. I get shot and you can't deal? –"

"Kens –"

"Or you know what, that's probably not it at all is it? I get shot and you don't care," she laughed menacingly at this.

Deeks almost didn't recognise the woman in front of him. The things she was saying. The look in her eyes. He didn't know who she was. And who's fault was that? Yet again?

"You know what? That's it isn't it?" she asked now nodding, stiff lines appearing around her mouth, "you don't care what happens to me. I could die and you wouldn't even –"

"Kensi! Stop!" Deeks yelled, his hands fisting against his forehead. "What the hell is the matter with you?!" he continued to yell.

Kensi was taken aback by this side of Deeks. She knew he could lose it. He just did a few seconds ago, but now, this – him. He stunned her into silence.

"How could you even think that's why I left. That I don't care? Jesus, do you know me at all?!"

He needed to calm down. But when this woman in front of him, this woman who he thought knew him, accuses him of this – of not caring?

He stepped back, now running his hands through his hair with his eyes closed.

Kensi took a slight step forward, hand caught mid air speaking softly. Hesitantly.

"Deeks..."

"You seriously think that don't you? That I don't care," he laughed, empty and hollow. Fixing his stare back at her, he spoke quietly. "You should go,"

The hurt in her features was heartbreaking. She faltered backwards as though slapped, but her eyes never leaving his.

He couldn't do this. He needed distance.

This wasn't distance.

"Deeks?" she asked, her voice laced with pain.

He couldn't do it, he couldn't keep looking at her, not with the pain coursing through her. Because of him. Jesus he really couldn't do anything right could he.

Gathering her strength, Kensi took a step forward.

"You don't mean that," she whispered then taking another step forward. "You don't want me to go, I know it,"

Deeks wanted to scream at her. Yell that she clearly didn't know anything about him considering she thought he didn't care, but all his thoughts stopped dead by the feel of her hand on the back of his neck.

His head bent low, arms fisting by his sides, his side profile to hers straight on, Deeks stayed still, never moving closer to her.

So she moved closer to him.

"Deeks," she whispered now carefully unravelling his fingers from their fists one by one. "Tell me to go then, and I'll go. No questions asked," Kensi said soothingly as she slowly rested her chin on his shoulder.

"Deeks," she pleaded slightly now worried by silence, "look at me Deeks," she requested, reaching up with her left uninjured arm, placing her hand tenderly on the far side of his face as he stared on. She felt his resistance slowly crumble as she carefully turned his head to the side so that she could now see his face, his eyes still closed.

"Talk to me," she asked softly as she rested her forehead against his, her eyes closed now. "Please, Deeks. Let me help,"

Deeks swallowed slowly as he fought the urge to wrap his arms around her.

"You can't help," he stated quietly, he voice audibly breaking.

Kensi stepped back suddenly, burnt by his words. Deeks turned to see her, truly see her, for the first time tonight. The moonlight sneaking through his curtains was shining against her skin giving her a midnight shimmer. Her temple was deep in colour, purple it seemed in this light. Her right arm was bent slightly, as thought avoiding the pain from straightening it. Her bandage covering the stitches was visible at her shoulder under her white tank top, as scrapes and bruises started around her neck and ran down her arms.

He closed his eyes, his brow furrowing. He couldn't look at her, not when this was his fault. She was beautiful, always would be, but the cuts, the bruises, he put them there with his actions. He could never forgive himself.

Mistaking his guilt for disgust, Kensi straightened up. "Why won't you look at me?"

Biting his tongue, Deeks stayed silent now dropping his head.

"Deeks? What is going on with you? You won't talk to me, and now you can't even look at me? Am a hideous to you or something?"

Her words acted as a trigger once more, but not resulting in frustration.

"God Kensi no! You're beautiful," he argued immediately taking a step forward reaching out to her, but pulling up short.

Kensi closed her eyes with her head tilted in confusion.

"What's going on?" she asked softly opening her eyes.

Deeks sighed looking at her injuries once more.

"It's my fault," he said quietly his eyes fluttering, landing on the floor.

"What? What's your fault?" Kensi asked taking a step forward reaching out to him.

"No, Kensi don't,"

"Deeks," she pleaded, then wincing when the pain pulsated through her shoulder.

"That! Okay? That. You, injured, getting shot. Jesus, it's just – it's my fault okay? Happy now?"

He brushed past her and sat down on his couch, head in his hands once more.

Deeks thought this was his fault? That she got shot? How the hell did he think that?

Kensi quietly settled herself on his coffee table facing him, knees brushing.

"Look at me," she requested, "Deeks, look at me," she punctuated before he lifted his head.

She reached out slowly, hesitantly, and took his right hand. Carefully raising it, her eyes never leaving his, she pulled his hand forward, resting it to the left of her chest, directly over her heart.

"What do you feel?" she asked.

"Kensi..."

"Tell me what do you feel," she insisted.

Any other time, this would be the perfect moment for Deeks to make some quip about the location of his hand, but right now, after everything, words seemed to fail him.

"Deeks, I'm right here. Right here Deeks," she repeated as she leaned forward, resting her other hand on his knee in front of her. "Repeat it Deeks, I want to hear you say it,"

He paused, closing his eyes before whispering, "you're right here,"

"I'm right here," Kensi repeated as she stood slightly, moving forwards onto the couch, pushing Deeks back. "Say it again," she whispered.

"You're right here," he repeated as Kensi placed both her knees either side of his lap, his free arm wrapping around her waist.

She rested her forehead against his once more as they sat there, breathing it in.

The realisation. The truth.

The love.

"I'm so sorry," Deeks whispered, his nose brushing hers, both eyes closed.

"Deeks –"

"No, please. I'm just – I'm so sorry,"

"You have nothing to apologize for,"

"But when I saw the blood, your blood. I just thought –" a lump caught in his throat as he opened his eyes.

"I'm right here Deeks," Kensi repeated as she fought hard to dampen the fear in his eyes.

"I know," Deeks nodded, "I know. Don't do that to me again,"

"Well I won't do it voluntarily," she smiled softly looking into his eyes, the warmth returning.

Deeks leaned forward brushing his nose against hers once more before tasting her smile. Tenderly, his lips moved over hers, his arm tightening around her waist. With his hand under hers still firmly pressed to chest, feeling her erratic heartbeat, Kensi linked their fingers together, as she carefully moved her other hand to the edge of his jaw.

Together, in the moment, partners, friends, lovers, they stayed, communication in all the ways the couldn't. A contradiction of terms. Telling each other how they felt in pure silence.

Resting their foreheads against one another, they paused, eyes sleepy, bodies heavy.

Blissfully happy.

"I think –" Deeks started, his lips ghosting over hers, "I think with you – I think I might be..." he trailed off.

Kensi smiled, her lips lightly touching his.

"Mmm. That's good to know," she spoke softly as she moved her hand up to lightly caress the side of his face.

"Yeah?"

"Mmm hmm. Cause now I'm not the only one," she stated now focusing her eyes on his, "makes this a lot easier,"

"This?"

"This," she confirmed.

"As in?"

"As in this,"

"So we're –"

"Seems logical,"

"Unless you don't –"

"I do," Kensi confirmed once more.

"Then it's settled,"

"Settled,"

"We're..."

"We're a we're,"

"Good,"

"Deeks?"

"Mmm?"

Kensi leaned in once more, her lips brushing his softly before slowing, deepening, intensifying. Locked together, arms encircling each other as one, she retreated back slightly.

Understanding her silent words, Deeks stood lifting her with him, carefully taking her to his room.

Unmentioned words surrounding them, never spoken truths embedded between them.

Unspoken declarations enrapturing them.

They both agreed anyway, talking was overrated.

A/N: Yeah, Deeks was seriously dramatic, but all over now! Thanks for all the previous alerts and reviews, hope you guys liked it the story? Love to hear your thoughts as always.